My dad's in hospice at my home and I’m in no mood to celebrate the holidays.
By Carol O'Dell, Caring.com contributing editor
Dad's come to my home to die, basically. (He has terminal cancer and receives hospice care.) I don't want to buy a turkey or put up a tree or shop for presents. I wander from his bedside to the kitchen (to eat junk) and then back again.
My sister wants to "deck the halls" and plan a big holiday gathering and I couldn't care less. I have a 10-year-old and a 15-year-old; do I need to do this for them? If so, how do I get past this "stuck" place? Or how do I make them understand this isn't the year for frivolities?
Perhaps there’s a way to honor both your dad and the holiday season in ways that comfort you and still allow others to handle this situation in their own way.
Your emotions are an honest and healthy reaction to your dad’s eventual passing. We tend to think of grief as coming after death, but that’s not really true. Grieving comes when we feel we’ve lost something or someone dear to us. Not only is your father dying, but he’s dying in your home, which kicks up lots of other emotions that deserve acknowledgment.
First, talk to your children, your spouse (if you have one), and your dad. Be sensitive to their wishes and expectations for the holiday season. You might be surprised by their visions. No matter how sad you feel, your children’s needs should be at the top of your list. As much as you may want to crawl in a dark hole, as a mom, you can’t -- and that’s a good thing. Our love for our children and our instinct to look out for their welfare can keep us going in the darkest of times.
Continue to make their lives as normal as possible. I faced this with my mother’s passing. Each of my children needed to handle it in an individual way. It helped to keep their activities going, continue pizza and movie nights, and allow them to go skating with friends or do other activities they love. Talk to their friends’ parents and others who can pitch in to help keep their lives on an even keel. Some children want to spend time with their dying loved one; they need to be sad and work through their thoughts of what it means to live and die. Others prefer less of this. In the end, I allowed my children to stay the last few days of my mom’s life at friends’ houses. I could tell that it was just too much for them -- but each family and family member is different.
Some sadness is absolutely normal now, so don’t freak out if any of you have some really rough days while the rest of the world is making merry. You all may need what we called “pajama days,” when we stayed in our jammies, watched movies, looked at photo albums, talked, or just chilled. Later my kids shared that these days meant a lot to them. They said they’d needed to give into the sadness for a little bit and then it would lift.
You can also talk to hospice about their bereavement services for children (camps, retreats, social services) and for suggestions on how to help your kids face their grandfather’s death with love and acceptance.
Know that you can play it loose as far as what feels right for how much you "do up" the holidays. You can run out and get a tree at any time, you know, even on Christmas Eve. Maybe your kids would like to have a small tree in their rooms. Or change traditions, like letting them go shopping with a friend even though that’s usually something you do with them.
If your sister wants to have a big gathering, and you don’t, let her do it at her house. Tell her you're unsure if you can participate. (Say it with love, and stay open to the possibility you might want to join in.) Perhaps you can gently and non-judgmentally suggest that all that effort is time taken away from being with your dad and that her idea of a big event might make a wonderful memorial gathering six months or a year from now. Ultimately, though, allow her to do what feels good to her. All of us process grief differently.
Be gentle with yourself as well. If you really feel yourself sinking down fast, talk to your doctor about the possibility of depression. It’s okay to get a little help if you need it. Don’t let anyone tell you how you should feel or not feel, what you should do or not do. There’s no one right way to say goodbye, except to follow your heart.
I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. It is so hard to balance everyone's needs, isn't it? My senior dad entered the end stage of Parkinsons Disease and was put in hospice at Thanksgiving a few years ago. He passed away in early January. I cancelled my holiday programs and plans but we did put up a simple tree and Christmas nativity set as an encouragement for my grandchildren and children. Because of a difficult pregnancy (twins who blessed us a week after dad went home to be with the Lord), my daughter and her two children came over every day so she could lay on bedrest on my couch while i cared for the grandchildren. My senior parents were living comfortably in my master bedroom and I was busy caring for all, with hospice workers coming and helping often. It was definitely one of the two hardest Christmas seasons of my life, but by helping the others, I found much encouragment. One important thing to realize is that you are already going through the grieving process. And it's so vital to realize there is no right or perfect way to grieve. We each do it differently. I liked the suggestions above to talk it through with others and allow each to make their own decision of what to do, without them or you being considered "right or wrong.". I spent a lot of time in prayer in the middle of the night, made sure I took occasional brisk stress walks, and trusted God to keep me going which He did. Some family members did go out and that was fine. I knew it wasn't the right thing for me and that was ok too. We need to give ourselves permission to say No, as well as say Yes. I, personally, would look for ways your children can celebrate, perhaps going out with friends. You might also want to continue some of your simpler traditions - perhaps in a quieter way. Your children may not be home much longer, either, as they get older, and these times of family togetherness, even in the midst of sorrow, can be times that bond you even closer together. My senior dad did join us for a couple of quiet family get-togethers at my house - they had come to see him but he wasn't up to staying out with everyone the whole time. So he came out for a few minutes, and then headed back to bed. One at a time, with plenty of breaks in between, different family members went back to spend special quiet moments with him. We have such lovely memories of these times, and even some very precious photos to help us remember these joy-filled moments in spite of such a difficult time. My prayers are with you during this season of life, for comfort, encouragement, and wisdom.
If you don't feel like celebrating, don't. The commercialism of the holidays is a lot of "noise" when you consider the life and death situation of your family right now. HOWEVER, know that the 10 and 15 year old are impressionable. This may be their first experience with death. How you handle it will be a model for them. Perhaps, imagining the following might help you...IMAGINE you are your dad and your children (a bit older) and caring for you. How would you like them to behave, feel, be? GRANTED you do need to focus on yourself...I wonder if this has hit you a lot harder than you can bear. Talk with HOSPICE as they are experienced in helping family members get through this time. REMEMBER this time will be remembered by all of you--in your unique ways. Until then, please do let us know how Thanksgiving went.
Live for today right now. It would likely make your Dad's spirit; as well as yours and the entire family's; much lighter if you make each day your Dad is with you a celebration. The difficulty is getting to the celebration once in it you won't even recall why you were apprehensive. Enjoy each day your Dad is with you. Mine is gone but I have so many festive memories that bring smiles and laughter in the midst of the tears. My son reminds us during our celebrations now the moments that would have likely made Grandpa smile.
Oh, I know this pain all too well. My father was diagnosed with lung cancer (spread to liver, bones) right before Christmas in 1983. We were all in shock and trying to absorb the ramifications of all this; also, Dad was in the hospital over Christmas, one of my brothers had just gotten married and brought his new wife home to meet us, and we were sort of working on autopilot. It was a very stressful time; I remember thinking at the time that all the laughter sounded sort of forced and desperate, like we were trying to be as normal and get as much enjoyment as we could while trying to ignore the 800 lb. gorilla of cancer in the room. Dad came home for his birthday in January, then went back to the hospital and died one week later. He was 59. There's a lot of that time that's a blur because of the shock, but I really feel we needed to have that touchstone of normalcy in a world that seemed to have turned inside out. That being said, you need to see what works for you and your family. I think all the suggestions so far have been really good ones, especially having the organization and work contributed by your sister; you've got enough on your plate right now. Find out what your dad and family want, let them organize it how they want, and you make sure to take time for you with and without your dad. Please take care of yourself, and come back here to let us know how you're doing, if it helps. We're thinking of you.
i'm so sorry you're having all this to deal with. it's hard. but life does need to go on at least somewhat normally (because that's what life is -- it goes on). sorrow and struggle AND life going on is the deal. why not open your heart more to your children? they're old enough to understand your feelings. ask them to take over having your own family home be a little Christmassy. Let them do it how they choose, as much or as little and respect their choices. and leave the big show to your sister, knowing everyone has different ways to deal with the big situations. and YES, you do need to do something for your children during this difficult passage. this is one your great teaching times with them -- how we sorrow and yet support life itself. respect your own grief too and use this time to share deeply with your Dad. it will help both of you more than you may know right now.
I'm having trouble adding to my previous post, but wanted to add that if you carry on your usual traditions as much as possible, it may give your Dad peace knowing you will be OK.
I came close to dying a couple of Christmas' ago. My daughter put up Christmas cards on the door, and hung a wreath. I could not do it, my husband was over the hill with stress, job, and my illness. Last year we drove to Wisconsin to be with my daughters inlaws. Had a great Christmas with extended family. Even had a good deep snow. This year I HUNG the wreath, put some lighted deer in my windows, and may even get my tree out and up. I have always enjoyed Christmas with the decorations, more so than gifts. Have your children and extended family help with decorating, and get a promise from them to take it down and put it away after New Years. Your father may really enjoy seeing that you can "get on with your life." My grandmother died the day after Christmas, and her son, my father....died the following Valentines Day. We still remember fondly the effort these two put into making these days special.
My prayers are with you, also, but you need to go ahead and have Christmas. I've been there and know that if you do this, you will give your Dad a happy last Christmas and your family another great Christmas with him, as well as a chance to say goodbye to him, and him to them, if not in words, in spirit. It will give them another good memory of your Dad. In your case, you know it's the last Christmas you'll spend with him, make it a good one. Usually, we don't know, and sometimes wish we had.
My thoughts are with you also. I am feeling the same way you do but i am still making a roast for mom and i today and we'll see about x-mas.
My prayers are with you. This is a sad time but you will get through it. My father died just before Christmas and I also along with my mother did not feel like celebrating. However, I had children in the home to think about. We put up a tree and did fix a small Christmas dinner for the family. It helped take my mind off the sorrowful time and the sadness my mother was feeling. I would sit alone in front of the tree at night and just watch the lights. It was a peaceful feeling. Perhaps your father would like a little lightheartedness. A simple tree and lights might also help him. He also is grieving.