I feel like I'm married to my mom! How do I help her get a life -- and butt out of mine?
By Carol O'Dell, Caring.com contributing editor
My mom moved in with me a little over a year ago. She has no outside interests and is always home. I am a single mom with two young children, and she helps with the kids. We really get on each other's nerves -- she favors one child over another, fusses at all of us about the smallest messes, and, worst of all, never gives me a moment to myself. She barges into my room at all hours of the day and night and won't let me and the kids be together alone, even after she's had them all day and complains about them.
I appreciate her help and I'm glad I can care for her, but I feel smothered. How do I tell her that she's got to back off and give me some space?
First, take a deep breath. You might not solve all your issues, but with patience, understanding, and diligence, you and your mom can live together in relative peace and appreciation. Let's start with you, because you can't begin to care for your household until you invest in your own emotional bank account.
Get a lock for your bedroom door. It's time to create some true boundaries so you can be a private woman, away from your mom and your kids. It's not cruel. It's healthy. Have regular "alone times" with yourself, and even if you want to come out, don't. Teach everyone (including yourself) to respect your quiet time and work hours. You should also reserve some time to spend with girlfriends or go on dates.
Now that you've thought about ways to nurture yourself, let's look at your mom. See her as a woman, not just as your mother. She's been uprooted, and you're the only person she knows. She's clinging to you, and it's going to take some time and effort for her to find new connections. Can you think of an activity to share with her once or twice a month? If you attend church, perhaps she could begin to connect with people her own age through church clubs or classes. Maybe you can find a local class in ballroom dancing or photography -- some place where there are people her age. Try one with her and insist that she go at least seven times. Studies show that people don't tend to trust that they're part of a group until they hit that mark. You may eventually be able to bow out yourself, but give it some time first.
As for the frustrations of living together (cleanliness and so on), try not to let them bother you. Focus on other, achievable goals. Refuse to argue. Put on headphones or walk out of the room if you have to. Remind all of your family members that this arrangement is a good thing, and that everyone needs to figure out how to be pleasant and respectful, even if they're faking it!
And if you haven't thanked your mom yet, do so. Having help with the kids is a big deal. If you haven't thanked your kids for living with their grandmother and making all these adjustments, thank them. Build on the positive. Your mom can really be an asset to your kid's lives, if you can shift the focus to working together.
Create a gratitude board and insist that, every day, everyone write on the board something they're thankful for. And at the end of each day, stand in front of your bathroom mirror and tell yourself what a great job you did: You didn't pull anyone's hair out, you laughed at something that used to infuriate you, you wrote something on the gratitude board.
Yes, your life is crazy right now, and it might stay like that for a while. So create solid boundaries, insist on pleasantness and respect -- and when things get really bad, go out to your car, lock the doors, and have a short scream-fest! Once in a while, that can help, too.
IT HARD TO BE EVERY THING TO MOM AND HAVE A LIFE TOO SHE SCARED AND ALONE TOO SO SHE TRYIN TO HANG ON TO U, TO KEEP HER WORLD SHE GOT LEFT SAFE . HELP HER BY DOING LITTLE THING AND TELL HER U WILL BE THERE FOR THE BIG THING WHEN THEY COME UP . SHE FEELIN HELPLESS AND IT MAKE HER MORE AFRAID . GIVE HER A HUG TELL HER U LOVE HER ALWAYS, AND UNEED HER TOO OK , GOOD LUCK TO U ,
i don't think that you are hard on her as i went through with my nan my dad had to be the same as you and well done you on calling a family meeting and it will get harder it got that hard for my mum and dad that they need to find respite care so it gave them a break and my nan and then my mum would pick her up when it was time to come home it will get harder and it is good to plan ahead sorry for the mix up as well.
Dear Anonymous, I don't have children, but my Dad passed away 4 1/2 years ago. My Parents lived in Florida when my Dad passed. I have a brother and sister, we moved Mom up here, we were trying to do that before Dad passed so she wouldn't be by herself. My Mother lost her husband, home and her dear friends with in two weeks. She was living with my husband and I for a few months till she felt ready to live on her own. Ever since then I've introduced her to A LOT of people, she has not and won't connect with any of them. (Church, her own community) The one saving grace is she does bowl one day a week if it isn't to cold to go out. I don't force her to do any thing, but when she gives me the "poor me" routine, I now say...."that's your choice to be by yourself". Please don't think I'm hard with her. She got me to a point where I was taking medication just to go see her. I snapped out of that one and said "what am I doing to myself". My brother will call, that's about it. He sees her once every few months. My sister comes up usually every weekend, for about 2 to 3 hours and leaves. Right now I'm unemployed so I have the time but need to get back to work. My Mother is 84 and has dementia. I love her more than anything but at times she is very stressful for me. I'm learning to say no at times and try to do some thing for me. (hobby or whatever) The one thing I have learned in taking back time for me is my Mother has come to accept that I need time to myself. Believe me, she got nasty the first few times but you have to keep taking that time for yourself. They do get use to it. I don't know what lies ahead for my Mom. I'm calling a family meeting with my brother and sister, we need to have a plan for "down the road" what ever it brings. There is so much more I could write....but would probably get a cramp in my fingers typing. Good luck & God Bless you.
Rite all this needs to turn around turn negitvies into positives and this may mean sitting down and creating true boundries for you and your children and your mom you need to thank your mom and your children as well. you all need your own time and space so you are all focusing on your emotional well being. you need to do some things with your children away from your mom, and your mom needs to find a hobbies or something she may like to do and do something together while you aint at work or something go shopping go for walk just something where you and your mom are having the mom and daughter relationship and on a Sunday you all could go to your local church and introduce your mom to people around her own age. i agree with the advisor about creating a board that you each rite what you are thankful for hope this helps
For Anonymous, Is there any chance this could be depression? If this behavior seems to have started or gotten worse since she lost her husband, medical evaluation may be needed. If she has always been this way, then I would recommend counseling or some action. You need to think of the effect on the kids and yourself. Abusive behavior (verbal OR physical) is not OK.
The whole article was realistic and (from my own experiences) covered most of the problems encountered. Enough detail was offered to make the changes easier to accomplish. The one thing we can always do in any situation is change our attitude--it almost always affects the attitudes of others in some way (prayerfully possitive). I have just learned to "Give it to God" and stop worrying.
Oh my! This sounds so familiar. My father passed away over 3 years ago, and my mother has been living with me and my two children for over 2 1/2 years. She stopped driving when she moved in with us. She is very critical of everything I do, will not respect my wishes as far as my children are concerned, and says hurtful and mean-spirited things to me all the time. If I want to have some "me" time and go out with my friends, she gets weepy and tells me how hard this is for her. If I try to have a constructive conversation with her, she gets angry and responds with extreme statements. I have given up everything to try to help her adjust to life without my father. But I have to say, it is sucking all the life out of me!