We’re newlyweds. Gram’s 84. Perfect roommates (free housing for free care) or future nightmare?
By Carol O'Dell, Caring.com contributing editor
My family has suggested that my husband and I move in with my grandmother -- we're newly married and he's still in college. She 84 and doesn't drive after dark. They're inviting us to live there for free in exchange for doing chores – yard work, housework, cooking, and so on.
It's a great opportunity financially, but eventually we'd like to have a home of our own and children. I'm concerned that my grandmother's care might increase over the next few years and that we'll be stuck. It'll be much more heart-wrenching to leave if she's not well, but at some point we'll want -- and need -- to move on with our lives.
Do you think this is a good idea for us?
You're wise to be thinking about all these concerns now. While it sounds like a great deal financially, caring for an aging adult is a huge responsibility.
You and your husband owe it to yourselves to make sure you know what you're taking on and to think about how caregiving could affect your marriage.
Has anyone asked your grandmother what she wants? If she's of sound mind, then hearing her thoughts is essential -- after all, it's her home. Sometimes adult children and other family members begin to take over an elder's life long before it's necessary. Spend some alone time with your grandmother and encourage her to talk freely about where she'd like to live, with whom, and who she'd like to be her advocate.
Assuming that she does want you to move in, and you decide to do it, I strongly suggest that you and your family create a written agreement so that you know what's expected of you and how issues will be handled in the future. Make sure there's a clause that states you'll revisit your living arrangements at least every six months.
It may sound rather formal, and it should. Some families think they've "got it covered" if a relative moves in. But your grandmother’s needs will change over the next few years, even if she’s quite mobile now -- and your life will change, too. Her odds of contracting such diseases as heart disease, cancer, and Alzheimer's (to name only a few) increase dramatically with age. She may even eventually need round-the-clock care, something you might not be willing or (given job constraints) able to do. Whatever happens, your family should begin to explore other [housing options] (http://www.caring.com/articles/senior-housing-options) just in case.
Things might already be worse than you realize. My mom hid her dementia for several years -- and I didn't pick up on it because my life was so full that I don't think I wanted to see it. Many elders hide what's going on so they can remain independent. Or they may not even realize themselves how bad their condition is. Just as I did, family members tend to deny and avoid what's really going on. You might find that you've stepped into a more complicated situation than you can handle.
I suggest that you and your husband spend some time with her before you move in. Stay for at least a few weeks -- long enough to see how the three of you do together and how your family responds. For example, does everyone expect you to do it all alone? Will you also be responsible for getting her to medical appointments, picking up her meds, keeping her company? Will you get respite care? Can you take a vacation? What happens if you get pregnant? Ask these questions now to avoid misunderstandings later -- and have Plan B and C in place.
Whether you decide to move in or not, I hope you’ll choose to be an active part of your grandmother's life. So often, there's a deep bond between grandchild and grandparent. They give us our heritage. They offer insights and wisdom only age can impart. They're old enough not to take life or themselves too seriously. What a gift! Your grandmother needs you in so many ways -- and you need her, too. Do what's best for your husband and yourself, but enjoy and participate in your grandmother's life. You'll be glad you did.
I took care of my daddy for 15yrs I love my daddy so very much. Wow I wouldnt ask my kids to take care of me.I worked a full time job and came cooked cleaned and took care of my daddy.EVERY DAY for 15yrs. I couldnt do again
You & your husband ( in college) need the grandma more than she needs you two. She can always have students-roommates who are willing to take care of the house / accompany her. I totally agree with Kreid.....You'll benefit financially and emotionally ....Who knows who "goes" first with all the happenings in this modern lives of ours. So enjoy her being .....
I'm not going to make this too long, but my answer 4 u & your husband is : DO NOT DO IT ! Period. I take care of mt 82 yr. old Dad , & this may sound cold or terrible to some, but i can honestly say, I had no idea what i got myself into. For your own sanity & new marriage, just DON'T DO IT. You will never know the Stress, & problems, that go hand in hand becoming a Caregiver. The Free rent is NOT WORTH your Health & stress it will cause in your new marriage. Best of luck to you, Cheryl
kreid's comments are heart-felt and hopeful and that's great. but seriously, kreid, there's no assurance thst it won't be long-term when Grandma is only in her early eighties. and it wouldn't be great to be taking on an assignment only hoping it wouldn't be long until grandma's death. it sounds as if this a family trying to get the newly-weds to be what the rest don't want to be -- caregivers. but even if they moved in -- and you have read th eheartfelt responses from people in that situation thoroughly, I hope -- would need assurances and care commitments from other family members. one unit of people isn't enough for elder care. i hear constantly from support groups that family are thrilled when someone takes up the challenge and often reliuctant or avoidant in offering their practical help and actual input as a caregiver. would that it were the double blessing you think, but it most often isn't. am i cynical in assuming you probably are not experiencing that double blessing situation yourself right now? there's a very good reason why families tend to live very separately as soon as times changed and people could afford it -- and that's what's happening here. just think over very carefully and do the following: 1. get really clear about grandma's full state of health and need; 2. sit down and have a family conference; 3. have a family contract by which you know who else will be helping and what they will do; 4. go stay with grandma for a visit and make notes 5. then decide and IF you decide to stay with her, be very clear that this will change when your needs as a couple require it. again. good luck in whatever decidion you make.
Go to your heart and ask the question, put aside all money and other things. There are many options for you all including grandmother. Look in the mirror and ask yopurself what do I need, not what you want, what you need ask your spouse to do the same thing. Coming from your heart you will never falter. All parties must agree w/o hesitation including grandmother, ! Blessings
n this day and age, it's a rare situation to be doubly-blessed. You can still be newlyweds and share a house. You will benefit financially, and you will also be helping your grandmother. You will not regret the decision and it's highly likely it won't be *too* long-term and you'll soon have additional privacy. Meanwhile, you can save up money for your own house. I sincerely believe you should take this opportunity as a blessing to be giving, and never lose sight of your 'investment' in your grandmother. Chances are your family will also be relieved and grateful. You can always change your mind if necessary.
DO NOT DO IT! My husband and I took care of my father after he had a stroke for over a year. We were also newlyweds. Although the experience was rewarding, giving me much time with my father and being part of his recovery. The effects it had on my marriage are still felt and dealt with today. The months of resentment that built up between the two of us was very damaging. My husband felt neglected and I felt envious he could come home from work and his day was over. As a caregiver, you are NEVER off the clock!!! You can't turn back time, your first few years should be about you and your husband, building a strong foundation and enjoying each other on all levels. It can be very difficult to get to know one another in your new spousal role let along yourself, especially when you're taking on another, the caregiver.
i've looked after elders for 20 years and it's my heart work, i love it. i really resonate with their journeys. so i'd like to say, "Run for the hills, you sweet things!" Free care is a 24-hour a day possibility. Plus, come on, guys, do you want to be having your sex life within possible earshot of Grandma? What about running naked through the house? Don't you want to be able to do that? Rent is always a bit of a struggle but your only duty is to pay it once a month. Grandmother is a daily duty which could, at any moment, change into a huge burden of time and commitment. First take care of your marriage. After a while, if you really wanted to and knew Grandma well enough to know just about everything about her, then you could move in if you really wanted to. Good luck to you both!
It's very sweet of you to want to take care of your grandmother. DO NOT move in with her! You are newlyweds and this in itself is a major life adjustment. Your relationship with your husband is not strong enough yet to take on this task. Caring for an elderly person is extremely stressful and takes a toll on the caregiver especially if they are non-cooperative. It is NOT worth the free rent!! Your new marriage is much more important. Please read the blogs on dementia caregivers and ask yourselves if you could handle all these scenarios--they are not pretty!
Speaking as someone who has been living with my 84-year-old mother with Alzheimer's for going on 5 years now -- as much as I love her -- DON'T DO IT. The stress level is beyond what you can even imagine. Every single day -- day after day, month after month, year after year. Help to make sure she's taken care of, of course -- but I would strongly, strongly advise against moving in.
I agree with Techie Sidhe and Carol. Make sure that you are not it--- the designated only caregiver and put it it writing. Just for kicks try to figure out how much it would cost to replace you with hired help. Then compare that with rent in the area. Bring that information to the table when you write this contract. It really brings into focus for you and the other family members what you are giving up for this "free" housing. Dont exagerate or estimate but be honest and show them exactly what you are worth.
Amen. Until you've actually cared for an elderly person, you have NO IDEA how much time it takes or how much stress it can be. I adore my Dad and handle part of his care giving now (he's 91 and able to live in his own home with extra help). However, it takes a great deal more attention to detail and planning than I ever imagined. Staying with your grandmother for a while would be an excellent test of how it will affect all of you.
As a newlywed who is now taking care of my mother-in-law, I beg you to think VERY LONG and VERY HARD about agreeing to this. And when you've thought very long and hard, think some more. You're just married, and you're going to want your privacy as you begin a hopefully very long and very happy life together. I can tell you that DH and I do not get very much privacy as she does not leave the house, and we have to leave the house ourselves to get any real privacy. Be VERY CLEAR with the rest of the family that if you decide to do this, that they still have responsilbility to Grandma as well. I've seen too many instances where the good intentioned family member that moves in to help gets pretty much abandoned by the rest of the family, because they feel like since that family member is there, they don't have to help. It's what happened to us. Make them understand that they still have to help and do things for her and give you a break from time to time. The extended visit thing is a great idea! Stay with her for a few weeks, long enough for the newness to wear off and see if you can handle her. If you can't handle her for that long, trust me, any more time isn't going to improve the relationship. Those quirks that are annoying at three weeks aren't gonna get less annoying at 3 months.
Hugs FrancesC