Now that Mom might be dying, my absentee brother is suddenly showing an interest -- in her money.
By Carol O'Dell, Caring.com contributing editor
I've been involved in my mom's care for the past five years: I take her to appointments, have dinner with her several times a week, and cover the weekends. (She’s had live-in care.) Recently, she had surgery for colon cancer and is now in a rehabilitation center. Suddenly my brother showed up (he hasn't come around more than twice a year before now) and started poking around her finances. I found him rooting through her drawers looking for paperwork.
I'd like to think he's had a change of heart and wants to spend some quality time with his mother before it's too late. But I'm suspicious. He's commented that it costs too much for her to stay in a care home and that we should sell her place so she'll qualify for aid. How do I talk to Mom about this -- and how do I suggest that I'm not sure he has her best interests at heart?
Sometimes being our loved one's advocate means protecting not only them but their assets, even from other family members. It sounds as if your mother is of sound mind, so all you can do is assist and advise her.
It is odd that your brother would show up and first focus on your mother's financial situation. It’s possible that it’s his way of trying to help -- like many men, he may see your mom's declining health as a problem to "fix." It's not that simple, as I'm sure you know. Being your mom's longtime caregiver has given you an edge on understanding the tangled world of eldercare and its costs.
You sound understandably concerned and frustrated. Listen and observe. Yes, your brother's been out of your life and your mom's for a while, but maybe you can help smooth things out and even change his focus. Eat together and talk about old times. Act as if you expect the three of you to be a team regarding your mom's care.
I love this quote: * "People are most likely to live up to what you expect of them."* Expect your brother to act like a loving, caring, helpful, and honest family member. Insist on no less. Receive him with love and warmth -- but also be wise and prepared. He may have reappeared in your mom's life for less than admirable reasons, so it's your job to remind him that being family means not hurting or taking advantage of those we love.
Meanwhile, make this an opportunity to help your mother get her affairs in order. Be proactive and gather up all her medical and financial files. Do this with your mom or explain to her what you'd like to do on her behalf. Assure her that you're helping her know where she's at, financially. If she wants to avoid the whole thing, then move forward knowing you've been above-board about your intentions.
I wouldn't bring up concerns about your brother with her at this point -- it's not about him. It's about your mom and making sure her finances are safe and figuring out whether she'll have the means to continue her care as needed.
After talking with your mom, call an elder-law attorney and get advice. Attorneys have a wealth of knowledge, and a consultation fee isn't exorbitant compared with what your mom stands to lose. The attorney may suggest other area resources. Be sure to also ask what you can do to protect her finances from someone taking advantage of her. I wouldn't mention this meeting to your brother prior to having it, since you have concerns about his intentions.
Your intuition that he's not just thinking about what's best for your mom may be correct. Consider asking her if you can put her paperwork in a safety deposit box or another place that's private. If he asks to see it or be more involved, you can explain that your mother's estate is now being managed by an elder-law attorney. That sends a message that no one can just waltz in and manipulate her. Show him that you've got your act together, that you're aware of your mother's financial situation and aren't a pushover.
The best thing you can do for your mom is to stay involved and keep the lines of communication open. Talk every day. Ask if your brother has visited and what they talked about. If your brother does try to get your mom to sign paperwork such as a durable power of attorney or other documents, it will be harder for him to do so if the two of you talk often and you're always stopping by.
If he starts acting secretive, then you know something's up. You may not be able to stop him, and sometimes one sibling will carry more power with a parent than another does, even if it's just because he's the oldest. All you can do is be prepared, try to circumvent a family feud, and protect your mom all that you can.
Good answer - it is definitely imperative to keep the lines of communication open between you and your mother. And, also important to attempt to work WITH your brother. If your mother does have capacity to make her own decisions, then the first activity she needs to do is to designate a power of attorney, if that hasn't been made. Some of your brother's ideas seem to come from ignorance (as well as perhaps deceit.) Selling your mother's house is extremely premature, probably inappropriate and is NOT necessary for her to get Medicaid coverage, if the rest of her financial situation warrants such. A geriatric care manager can help all of you understand the appropriate services to consider and sort out all of the details. If your brother won't listen to a care manager, it may be appropriate to get all three of you (and other family members, as appropriate) with a family facilitator/mediator to determine what everyone's position is and help everyone get on the same page!
If this scenario sounds familiar, it is! My brother tried the same thing with my mother, despite that fact that she had set up 2 generous college trusts accounts for his two children prior to her illness! I cared for my mother in my home for eight years. I quit my job because she needed care 24/7. She did not have the funds for assisted living, or respite care. I provided a safe, clean comfortable home (she slept in the master bedroom I might add), 3 delicious home made meals a day plus snacks and desserts, laundry service, chauffeur service to doctor, dentist and friends. AND- loving companionship to my sweet mother. mom covered the household bills, but I received no financial renomination for any of this care. At the beginning of her convalescence when she was hospitalized my brother flew into town and went into her house and found her financial statements. From that point on, for the remainder of her life he was constantly badgering me to give him an update on mom's bank balance, and "urging" me not to spend any money on her unless it was absolutely necessary! After about three years of this behavior from him I told him that I did not feel comfortable discussing mom's finances with him and he would need to speak directly to her. At times when he would call I could overhear mom telling him that it was her money and if she wanted to spend every penny she would. He and his family live in the next state and they only visited mom four times. His job frequently brings him to the town we were residing in. Th recent stock market debacle pretty much emptied mom's accounts and I took a second mortgage on my home to support us. Brother and his family came for a visit suddenly last spring and I made myself scarce. Later that evening after they had left, mom had a stroke. Several days later I discovered what may have been the cause. He had filed a physical abuse charge and financial mismanagement charge against me! This was later thrown out and I received a personal apology from the investigator. My mother asked me to arrange for a new will to be drawn up while she was in rehab ij which she formally disinherited him. Several months pass and we have had no further contact from him. My mom is now dying. Her disappointment in her son was simply too much for her to bear. I called him and told him of mom's imminent death, and told him if he ever wanted to say good-bye this was his last chance. He flew up and asked for mom's forgiveness on her death bed. Before mom was even in the ground the badgering started up again. Finally one month ago I sent him a copy of the last will. So, I have said it here before and it bears repeating. Don't EVER think ANYONE is above lying, cheating, stealing or manipulating their way to mom, dad's, Grandma's,etc. money. We had a respectable law abiding family where personal honor trumped money every time. Now we are not speaking, and I don't foresee the ending soon. Get POA, guard your loved one against unscrupulous family or friends, and don't EVER tell yourself that _______ would never do that. They do and will.
If this scenario sounds familiar, it is! My brother tried the same thing with my mother, despite that fact that she had set up 2 generous college trusts accounts for his two children prior to her illness! I cared for my mother in my home for eight years. I quit my job because she needed care 24/7. She did not have the funds for assisted living, or respite care. I provided a safe, clean comfortable home (she slept in the master bedroom I might add), 3 delicious home made meals a day plus snacks and desserts, laundry service, chauffeur service to doctor, dentist and friends. AND- loving companionship to my sweet mother. mom covered the household bills, but I received no financial renomination for any of this care. At the beginning of her convalescence when she was hospitalized my brother flew into town and went into her house and found her financial statements. From that point on, for the remainder of her life he was constantly badgering me to give him an update on mom's bank balance, and "urging" me not to spend any money on her unless it was absolutely necessary! After about three years of this behavior from him I told him that I did not feel comfortable discussing mom's finances with him and he would need to speak directly to her. At times when he would call I could overhear mom telling him that it was her money and if she wanted to spend every penny she would. He and his family live in the next state and they only visited mom four times. His job frequently brings him to the town we were residing in. Th recent stock market debacle pretty much emptied mom's accounts and I took a second mortgage on my home to support us. Brother and his family came for a visit suddenly last spring and I made myself scarce. Later that evening after they had left, mom had a stroke. Several days later I discovered what may have been the cause. He had filed a physical abuse charge and financial mismanagement charge against me! This was later thrown out and I received a personal apology from the investigator. My mother asked me to arrange for a new will to be drawn up while she was in rehab ij which she formally disinherited him. Several months pass and we have had no further contact from him. My mom is now dying. Her disappointment in her son was simply too much for her to bear. I called him and told him of mom's imminent death, and told him if he ever wanted to say good-bye this was his last chance. He flew up and asked for mom's forgiveness on her death bed. Before mom was even in the ground the badgering started up again. Finally one month ago I sent him a copy of the last will. So, I have said it here before and it bears repeating. Don't EVER think ANYONE is above lying, cheating, stealing or manipulating their way to mom, dad's, Grandma's,etc. money. We had a respectable law abiding family where personal honor trumped money every time. Now we are not speaking, and I don't foresee the ending soon. Get POA, guard your loved one against unscrupulous family or friends, and don't EVER tell yourself that _______ would never do that. They do and will.
This is right on target. I wish I had been given this advice 3 years ago when our family was in the same situation. Unfortunately, we trusted our sister, who did not have honorable intentions and had to drag the matter into court. Years later, my brothers and I are still trying to recover Mom's assets, including the proceeds from the sale of her home, to help pay for her wonderful, but costly assisted-living community.
Hugs Nutrition
Excellent advice. Such a common problem unfortunately. My m-i-l had a great Mothers Day...her daughter stole her money purse...and that, after already enticing her in the past to give her money from her bank account. Poor m-i-l is frightened of her daughter. What a sad state of affairs. We, with POA, have been forced to instigate joint signatures on her account, which basically removes her feeling of the little independence she now has with advanced Alzheimers. Her daughter has been a nightmare for years, and only phones her mother when trying to butter her up to approach her for more money...already over quarter of a million dollars owed to Mum. But to steal her money purse - and the despair it caused her mother - was the worst yet. She thinks of no-one but herself....bipolar disorder or not, she is a disgrace to the human race. Everything the site advisor said was spot on. All the best, but try to keep your Mum's heart in tact by not worrying her about ugly matters.