My mother is in the later stages of Alzheimer's. She doesn't talk anymore, just babbles a little, and my brother insisted a couple of years ago that she have a feeding tube put in because she forgets to chew and swallow. I was against it. I felt it was more honorable for mom to enter hospice and go naturally, but he blew up at me and accused me of "killing Mom." Now, he'll barely talk to me and will hardly let me see her.
My mother's life is so sad. She can't do anything but sit or lay down, and she tries constantly to put anything she can fit into her mouth. How do I convince him that it's time to let Mom go?
It's very hard on families to come to terms with end-of-life decisions. As always, I encourage you to have a heart-to-heart talk. Assure your brother that you love your mom and, of course, wish she could live a long, healthy life—but is this living? Really listen to his responses. Is fear driving him? Is he afraid he'll feel responsible for "killing" his mom? Even if he resists, try several times to discuss it with him. Talk, cry, ask questions, yell if you have to—don't give up easily.
If he still won't tell you, can you privately guess at his motives? Could it have anything to do with feelings from childhood? As much as we like to think that we've moved beyond our childhood, it's still there, and often we try to "right" the past by controlling the present. This is scary for him, as I'm sure it is for you. His stubbornness is probably covering up guilt, anxiety, and grief.
Also take a step back, and try not to view this situation as your brother is wrong and you're right. Many people would agree with him—that we should do all we can to keep someone alive. Others would concur with your viewpoint and choose to let a family member die naturally with as little intervention as possible. Your goal is to come to an agreement with your brother to do what's best for your mom.
Explain to your brother that hospice care honors the inevitability that we're all going to die and treats the end-of-life passage with dignity. Go to hospice and get their literature on dying, and ask the hospice staff to share their philosophy with your brother.
If, after all your efforts to communicate with him, your brother is still shutting you out, find out the legal situation. If your brother has your mother's durable power of attorney, that means he has the responsibility to manage her finances, not necessarily her health. You shouldn't have been pushed out of your mom's life. It's time that you step back in and demand to be treated as an equal sibling. What have you got to lose? If he's already barely speaking to you, then don't worry about "ruffling his feathers." You have every right to visit your mother. Consider visiting when you know he's not there so that you can have a few quiet moments with her.
You might also have to accept that barring legal intervention, you can do little to change this situation. It's not an uncommon one, and in the end, it's best to not turn this into a family feud. Value whatever amount of time you have with your mom and make sure she's getting good care. Continue to reach out to your brother and love your mom. She may not be able to acknowledge that she knows you, but love is action and your diligence is the best way to express it.
Most definitely this is a personal decision. It's too bad your mother did not have a living will specifying her wishes. My mother made one a long time ago as did my father when he had cancer and died. He did not want a feeding tube but nothing was said about IV fluids, therefore he had one. It was a horrible death as he hung for what seemed forever. 3 weeks. But had I researched it earilier, I would have made the decision to withhold the IV fluids as well. When the body is dying a natural death, it no longer requires nourishment and water because the organs are shutting down. To continue feeding and watering only makes the body overwork in places it shouldn't. My father's lungs filled up with fluid which had to be suctioned continuously, his body swelled because his kidneys could not longer do their job. I can only imagine that when my mother is in her last days and just laying their not expending any energy at all, that by giving her more nourishment & fluids will do the same and complicating the imminent death two fold or more as with my father. When the body does not need these things, it begins to shut down on it's own which in turn puts out different brain chemicals that help with physical pain. I know I will not have feeding tubes or IV's for my mother. I want her to die a "natural" death as God has seen fit to equip our bodies to work in such a way. I do not believe my God will want me to complicate this process that he so intelligently designed therefore I do not believe "I" will be murdering her. I hope you go out and research this on your own and present it to your brother. Maybe it will help him with his decision, maybe not. It may not sound good to some people but I can't wait for the day that I know my Mother is now in heaven with a memory and eternal happiness. My prayers and thoughts are with you all.
Hugs shelbyzgrammy, BEE203
The decision to prolong life is very personal. To me, it depends on the condition of the loved one. Hospitals and nursing homes will ALWAYS recommend a feeding tube because it is their job to keep the patient alive as long as possible. I refused a feeding tube for my father because he was bedridden, didn't know anyone or ANYTHING, he was in constant physical pain. The nursing home pushed hard for a feeding tube but I couldn't allow my father to suffer any longer. Even his doctor told me that he might not survive the procedure and that the tubes often caused infections that would likely kill him. I believe that allowing a person with zero life - not just quality of life but actually tormented by life - is wrong. It is a personal decision and I don't want anyone else (insurance, health, etc.) making that decision for me, but I want the right to make that decision for myself. It is not murder to allow a person to die naturally and with dignity.
Hugs shelbyzgrammy, BEE203
IT IS HARD TO WATCH YOUR OWN MOTHER SUFFER.BUT DENYING A HUMAN BEING FOOD IS CRUEL.AND IN MY EYES IS MURDER.IT IS NOT OUR JOB TO SAY WHEN A PERSON DIES,IT IS GODS JOB.I AGREE WITH WITH YOUR BROTHER.MY MOM HAS A FEEDING TUBE,AND IT WAS THE HOSPITAL WHO SAID SHE NEEDED IT.NO ONE HAS A QUALITY OF LIFE IN A NURSING HOME,SO WHY DONT WE JUST KILL ALL OF THEM.IF YOU READ THE BIBLE,LIKE I DO IT CLEARLY STATES GOD WILL DECIDED WHEN ONE DIES,AND IT IS CONSIDERED MURDER.MERCY KILLING IS A SIN.
Hugs shelbyzgrammy, BEE203
My mother who suffered from Alzheimers died this past December. She fell and broke her hip and needed a hip replacement. Her doctor determined she was too frail to make it through the surgery unless a feeding tube was put in. She said that even with a feeding tube her recovery would be nearly impossible and she would most likely be bedridden and have no quality of life. We made the difficult decision to let her die in peace. I would reccomend that you tell your brother that keeping her alive (with no quality of life) is the crime. My mother died in her own bed in her assisted living facility, with the aid of hospice. We were all with her and I can say as terrified as I was, she died very peacefully, without pain or tubes. It was honestly the first time since her Alzheimers began that she looked peaceful and unafraid. I will always love and miss her, but I feel we made the right decision for her. It is extremely hard to make the choice to let someone die, but the hospice team assured we were giving her a gift by letting her die without pain. She was on morphine and just died in her sleep, she did pass away fast, thankfully, in under two days. Good luck with your decision, is is very hard, but sometimes it's the only decision you can make. I believe that my mom is in heaven with loved ones around her instead of being a prisoner in her own body here on earth.
Hugs shelbyzgrammy, BEE203
it is really hard to watch a loved one with alzims, i was with my grandmother and part of the care giving to help my mom out, grandma was so sad,i personally do not think that they should try to keep the person alive by tubes, it is jus 2 hard on the family and the person themselves, when grandma left this world she actually looked relived, but now i faced with my husband havin bone cancer, he has very much said NO CHEMO! even as much as i love him i will respect his wish, we all want the person we love 2 stay with us, but i dont want to watch the person i love suffer more than they have to, i have lost a few family memebers 2 cancer and alzimes, and 2 sons to S.I.D.S, so i no first hand that lasst breath and how much it hurts u inside,but it is something the family has to agree on so that no one ends up the bad person, but either way someone will be the wrong person, the way i deal is to tell myself that i was always there and have no regrets, but be careful about ur brothers wishes u could lose him as a brother my dad and his brother have not spoken in 23 years because of my grandfathers death, which was colon cancer, so good luck and pray that the family and u and ur brother can come to a agreement, some people need more time to say goodbye, god bless u
Hugs shelbyzgrammy, BEE203
our life is too precious. but then again, given the consequences,it's about choice. as long as no guilt feelings afterwards, then go on. but let me compare animals to this situation, the burden is too much when we found out our pet is dying. and not even medical intervention could save it. same as humans, we tend to carry on. it's a gift, a life ...... ponder this
Hugs shelbyzgrammy, BEE203
removal of a feeding tube under proper medical supervsion is not murder...the diease had consumed her to the point of not being able to substain the norishment the body needed to live..artifical feeding and hydration can also be cruel,and all factors need to be considered, patients wishes,quality of life etc..there are some very good articles on dying and artifical hydration to be found online. Hospice can also be very informative concerning this area..
Hugs shelbyzgrammy, BEE203
Denying another person food is considered cruel, and, if it results in death, murder charges usually are pursued. It is troubling to me how this basic fact gets tossed out the window for the elderly and infirmed. What a tremendous lesson the brother is teaching to his family on the proper care of our loved ones. The disease will consume her...why must it be rushed?
Hugs shelbyzgrammy, BEE203