No matter how much I help care for Mom, my hovering sister makes me feel guilty.
By Carol O'Dell, Caring.com contributing editor
Mom has rheumatoid arthritis and congestive heart failure, and my sister does everything for her. I visit often and try to help every way I can, doing chores and repairs and taking Mom on errands and appointments. I also send a monthly check to help cover costs.
When I'm there, my sister hovers like I can't do anything right. This summer she decided not to take a vacation because Mom had just gotten out of the hospital and wasn't doing well, even though I assured her I could handle it.
But when I recently booked a cruise for my 20th anniversary, my sister said, "Gee, that must be nice." I feel guilty all the time. I can't help it that I'm married and she's not. I can't help that I'm working full-time and she's caring for Mom -- she chose that. I can't seem to convince her that I'm willing to do more caregiving. Is it wrong for me to celebrate my life and relationships?
Your sister, like many people, wraps a good portion of her identity around caregiving. She's forged a bond with your mother, and she's proud of the care she gives. Nothing wrong with that -- but you have every right to be in your mother's life, too.
Caregivers like to be needed and busy – and here I’m speaking for myself, too. We've had to let go of so many other aspects of our lives -- work, hobbies, friendships -- that if someone offers us some time off we sometimes don't know what to do with ourselves. Offers of help can even feel like a threat, as if the helper is trying to take away the one thing we're good at. So be patient with your sister -- her care for your mom is valuable to all of you, and it's partly the nature of the beast for caregiving to turn people into control freaks.
It's so much easier to decide how we want things to go and push everyone else out of the way. But it's not very nice, and sometimes it takes another person to point that out. Caregivers have to be reminded that we're not in charge of everything, just most everything (smile ).
Your "mission" is to get in there in a matter-of-fact way and have the relationship with your mom (and sister) that you want to have. Your mom's views count, too. I'm sure she appreciates your sister's help, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't need and want you in her life! You may have to firmly remind your sister that your mom gets to say what she wants.
If you haven't said "thank you" lately, do. Find the words that make your sister smile. Send her cards and small gifts in the mail. Encourage her again to take a break and let you cover for her.
Try to be sensitive about what you say to your sister regarding vacations, your marriage, and other good things happening in your life. I don't mean you should lie or not talk about such things, but don't brag. (We don't mean to, but comments may come off this way.) Life isn't always fair, and those who are alone and might like a partner sometimes feel sad or resentful.
Keep trying -- and don’t feel guilty for what other people choose. Hold them in your heart in a place of goodness and love, but know that we can't change others. The sooner you make peace with where you are and who you are, the sooner others will begin to see you in that same light.
Don't be afraid of a little sibling tiff. Welcome a healthy disagreement, and then end with, "You know I love you." If your sister starts to balk, tease her a bit, but don't give up. Take an "I'm your sister (or brother) -- and Mom's other child -- and I'm here to stay" approach. Most times, love wins. And go on that cruise with a joyous heart. Celebrate with all you've got!
You wrote:Caregivers like to be needed and busy – and here I’m speaking for myself, too. Nothing wrong liking to be needed and being busy. I'm a caregiver to my wife who is in late term middle stage alzheimer's. I neither being like being needed nor being busy (as a caregiver). I do my very best in taking care of her simply because of my love for her. Who in there right mind wants to be a caregiver(other than a paid prof.)? I would like to take her out to a movie, her favorate place to eat or just a long walk in the park! Being a caregiver flat out sucks! How could anyone enjoy this? However, I will always love this woman, even after her ID fades away, and I will always be here for her.
My husband & I built a mountain home and I thought we were planning to leave Fl. and move to the mountains. Then his mom got sick, his sister came to visit and decided she go to the doctors and put her on meds for depression., well either the prescription was too strong or she took to much, needless to say the drug altered her mind & she didn't even know her name the next day. So his sister comes back over and interviews 20 women for caretakers position. After finally making her decision and mom going crazy with all these people in her home she hired this women to come several times a week to bring groceries and keep her company. Mom didn't like the situation at all. I asked my husband what time does this women show up so as to not interfere with the time frame. I came after the time she was SUPPOSE to be there to spend time with his mom show her photo albumns to maybe bring back her memory, Mom also loves to drink at 86 she'll drink you under the table. Then the women shows up 2 hrs. late. Mom told her to leave not in a nice way. And the next thing I knew was my sister in law blamed me for being there. The women left and my sister In law said to me This is what you wanted now you take care of her. This has really affected my life in a way that makes me want to scream. My husband and i have been taken care of her for 5 yrs now. His sister sends over $550.00 a month for her needs from mom SS Ck the other 1/2 of SS Ck she keeps to pay the bills. Over the weekend she called to say that she wasn't happy about the situation of not enough food in the fridge. We have taken excellant care of her. He goes there 4-5 times per week, cooks cleans, mowes her lawn trims trees, groceries you name it,. I'm so angry about how she reacts when she only comes over now & then or on Holidays. This whole situation has cost us our home we now live in to stay to take care of her, the economy didn't help either but now I need to confront her because she tried to beat around the bush like we weren't doing enough. It makes me so mad and our feelings have been really hurt. How do I write to her and get this off my chest?Another thing that really bothers me is, from the beginning we came up on wknds to do construction on a home that was purchased by my husband & his sister. His sister has taken control over the home it’s in her name and to this day my husband hasn’t confronted her on what will happen to the home when mom passes. This is really upsetting to me, especially since we are the ones who have lost so much to take care of the one we love. The truth is mom is a very difficult person to live with and I doubt anyone would put up with her besides her son & I. 5 years 4-5 days a week, does anybody have any idea what In- home costs these days? I would love for her to know and how much money we have saved her over the years for this special care. Help, I’m tired of being angry, and I want to know how to handle the situation as she can be very overbearing.
Conjunctive heart failure, could entail a diuretic Bp med. like hydrochlorothiazide.
I'm sorry you and your sister are in conflict of any kind, but especially something so potentially hurtful to both of you. I have been full time care giver for my 90 and 92 yr old parents for 2 yrs now following and accident my dad had that left him with a spinal cord and traumatic brain injury .. so it's pretty much 24/7. I do this all alone, I have no sibling to share any of the burden. It's too bad your sister isn't able to use the time you're able to offer to get away even if it is to go to the park to read or somewhere she likes. I totally understand the only way I could do this is being single, married for 25, div. now for 10. It's a full time job with out assistance! We manage fine, but a break sure does sound good to me .... want to be my sister :) haha! Good luck dear ...
I agree with, jy1560, that your sister needs respite (a vacation). It has been shown that caregivers preform better. Under your sircomstaces, your sister should not know that you are involved. A doctor, minister, or very good friend of your sister should inform your sister. Your mother may benefit, too.
it's not at all unusual for a martyr-caregiver to hoard the caregiving and blame others -- that they don't allow to help -- for not helping. however, as in all difficult family situations, the one who can be reasonable, sensible and understanding is the one who has to -- if anything is ever going to change. and that would be you. martyrs get power from making others feel guilty. so practice love and kindness, knowing your sister is not actually happy being the way she is. let go of thinking you can argue her out of this, because she has an emotional illness really. don't let her make you feel guilty, so reassure yourself you're doing what she'll let you do. be the bigger, kinder person. she's actually very very afraid, of loss, of her own inadequacy. she feels she can never do enough, so she isn't going to let you somehow prove yourself better. forgive her -- she's compelled to this. and by all means, offer specific help, even write it down and make a list of help and your availability. and absolutely live your own life to the full. maybe one day she'll gain enough courage to try to do the same for herself. don't give her power over you by getting locked into her way of feeling, relating and manipulating. but be kind. because you're the one who knows how to love your life. good luck!
Tell your sister that she be grateful to have someone like youto help her. I have a father with alzheimer's and a brother with LD and his girlfriend who is worst off. I have a brother in Cleveland who no help and wants to audit me. My father's sisters, I am not speaking to because of their "help". My aunt sounds like your sister. She needs to take care of people. I did not like way; she wanted to take my father. I told her to back off and now she tells everyone "that I did not do anything". Maybe talk to your sister, and say "You know that you show much; take a vacation you deserve it"
I noticed, as I was reading your composition, the frequency of the word "I". I actually went revisited to be sure if I was imagining. Your sister is obviously very jealous of you, but aren't you a bit jealous of her? Your mother needs care, but your sister needs help. Not more physical or financial help more than your already providing, but mental help. I not taking professional help either. She needs for you to give full credit for your mother's care. Carefully pick a relaxed situation when you are together, get her full attention and tell her how much you appreciate what she is doing. This should be followed by a deep hug. Taking your mother to appointments and other outings gives you quality time. This kind of quality time, that is difficult to find in a "four walls situation". Can you see how that can promote jealousy? Could your sister be using "too many cooks" to neutralize your help? Hate is a destructive emotion. What is tour definition of jealousy?