I took care of Dad, but he left his money to my brother. Now I’m broke, and my brother won't help me.
By Carol O'Dell, Caring.com contributing editor
My brother inherited three-fourths of our father's money and possessions. Dad favored him even though I was the one at his bedside (working full-time and going over there till midnight for months on end) as he suffered with cancer. I recently asked my brother for help because both my husband and I were laid off last year, and we got behind on our bills. He refused.
I don't want to spend time with my brother at family events such as graduations and weddings. He flaunts his new car and boat while we're still struggling to make ends meet.
How do I broach the subject that our father was unfair, and he shouldn't follow in his footsteps?
Give up trying to get the money. It's natural that you're hurt by this situation, especially since you took such good care of your dad. But at heart, this issue isn't about money. It's not even about your dad or your brother. It's about you.
As long as you feel your brother (or anyone) owes you something, you'll never be truly free to move on and build your own life -- and you're actually giving them far more power than they deserve.
In Jack Canfield's wonderful book, The Success Principles, his first lesson is, "I am 100 percent responsible for my life." Our parents don't owe us an inheritance. They can leave their money to anyone they like. Sometimes money even turns out to be a curse. Wanting it encourages us to continue with unhealthy relationships, and those who have it may use it to control other people.
While it may not be fair that your dad and brother treated you the way they did, it's your reality. You can't change their choices -- and you may not be able to do a darn thing about your brother's attitude.
Perhaps what you really wanted from your father, and now from your brother, is a deeper connection, attention, and affection. You may feel so hurt that you don’t want to acknowledge those kinds of feelings because they make you vulnerable, but feeling as if you were valued less really caused you pain. Whether we admit it or not, we want to belong to and be embraced by our families.
Add up what you have that's valuable. A husband who’s committed to your relationship? Children, other family members, or dear friends to encircle you and give you the encouragement and support you need? Surround yourself with people who are strong, loyal, and good-hearted. The world is full of them. If you need to find more such people who inspire you, join a church or community activities; make your own tribe.
Are you healthy? Can you still work? If so, consider yourself blessed. It's such a tough economy right now, and I know you know you're not alone with your financial struggles. We have to hold each other up and believe that better times are ahead, as hard as that can be some days.
Try not to mull over "what should have been" -- literally stop your thoughts in mid-gripe and turn your attention to something you can do, even if it's just cleaning out the garage or making a list of job possibilities.
It helps to keep a gratitude journal. I keep mine by my bed, and I write 20 things a day that I'm grateful for. They're not big things -- a cardinal that zipped along beside me as I took a walk, the friendly cashier at the grocery store, or an e-mail from a good friend. Some days I have to work at it, but usually once I get rolling I can't stop!
Can the rift between you and your brother be healed? Only time will tell. I don't want to minimize what you're going through, but I promise that once you start focusing on improving your own life, your brother, his money, and the hurt it's caused will begin to fade. Eventually, you'll be proud of what you and your husband did on your own. Get a clear vision of where you're headed, make a plan, and soon, you'll begin to feel great about the life the two of you are building together.
In response to the comment made by Newby1961: I think you are missing the point that unequal inheritance is hurtful not because of the money, it is because the person who receives less feels that the parent saw them as being of lesser value than their sibling. It is not about greed, it is about feeling valued.
This article fails to recognize the desperate nature of the writer. She is poor and has poured out money which could have been spent on her own family and her own bills. She is the victim of an injustice. She has legal rights and it is time to pursue these rights. She can sue the other sibling who got the money, sue her father's estate or challenge the will. She may very well have a case. If her estranged brother isn't interested in being fair and just, then she can and should utilize the courts to do so. Sometimes families are not as important as justice. There are times to grief the loss of the "ideal" family, and pursue surrogate relationships instead. These can be more meaningful, and more helpful when it comes to coping with life.
I disagree with the expert's suggestion that she forget the money. When you're poor and desperate, how can one just say "forget about the money"! Get an attorney and sue! Sue your brother or sure your father's estate. Challenge the will, do whatever you have to to try and recover some of what you have lost! Sometimes families are not as important as justice.
Although the answer was good about keeping a journal and the fact that the parents don't owe the kids anything I can still see how it would bother you. It seems very unfair given you were the one that took care of him, but this is something you are going to have to let go of because all it will do is poison your soul. All this resentment is like you taking poison and waiting for the other to die. He is going on with his own selfish life and believe me karma will take care of him. I am schocked at the amount of greed that goes on in a family and believe me I am talking out of experience. It is so ugly and makes me sick to my very core. It also is so disrespectful to the loved one who has passed. My mom died last year and although she didn't have a whole lot thank God just what she had has already caused a riff. My dad now he is the one who has tons but he has assured me that he has made sure in his will that in no way can any of us fight. Lets hope he is right because I fear that day. I never knew how greedy my brother and sister could be and it is so sick they even make mean comments about my other brother ripping them off. How does one get that greedy or is it spoiled? Oh boy see now I am off on my issue. At least you can see you are not alone. Hang in there and write back if you need support. Peace & blessings
My Dad passed away Sept. 9, 2010. My estranged sister showed up a few years ago and when our Dad became very ill, he signed a Power of Attorney giving her full control of everything. It then became a nightmare. There has been sibling rivalry for years between us. I have tried over the years, unsuccessfully, to repair such and have a loving relationship with her, but to no avail. There is a Trust that was drawn up and I have no idea what it states, etc. She went through all of my Dad's things at his home...discarded, sold etc. My Dad had no real idea of what she was doing. My Dad and I were very close. He and I suffered extreme hurt because I was not allowed to visit him at her home. On some occasions we could talk by phone, but even that did not last, as she would unplug his phone. Anyway....The individual who posted the reply, Carol O'Dell brought several things to mind...for that I am grateful. :)
The answer given to this question was right on point. The hurt the writer feels is very real, and my heart goes out to them. However, the response provided was a wonderful one. Thank you...it has helped me, also. :) It served as a very timely reminder to me that, as was quoted above, "I am 100% responsible for my life." The Gratitude Journal was a wonderful suggestion...one that I am going to instill as a daily reminder in my own life. Thank you so much for sharing that. :) I would just like to add please, that the relationship you had with your Dad while he was in your loving care is something that NO ONE can take from you. Not now...not ever. I wish you God's greatest Blessings and complete inner healing. My Dad passed away on Sept. 9, 2010.
The real tragedy here is that a parent played favorites. This terrible practice causes so much hurt and needless trouble. When I was 17, my parents were talking about their favorite, my older brother. My father, fearing I'd hear, asked my mother to not speak so loudly. She turned towards me and callously said, "he knows Joe is the favorite." Now I live 7 hours away from them and their favorite son can deal with their issues as they age. My moving here wasn't the direct results of one careless and thoughtless sentence; it was a business reality for me. But I certainly don't visit often and don't want to expose my children to their thoughtless ways. Carol's advice is, as usual, right on the mark. We are each dealt our hand and must do the best with it that we can. I think the person that stayed with a totally unappreciative parent wishing they could somehow finally earn the love they longed for is rather sad. In my opinion, as adults, we have every right to flush relationships that are hurtful in any way - including our parents.
I understand your feelings. It is very hurtful. I was the one taking care of our Dad and left most of everything. It was in the will that way even before I took care of Dad before he died. Pissed off my brother so he does not talk to me(since 2002). This will not change. So I try not to think of him. It is hard. His son and I still keep in touch and that is a good thing. We do not talk about my brother (his father). That is a sad thing. Best to stay close to my nephe and not make waves.
My heart goes out to this writer and I understand her hurt and sorrow over this inheritance turmoil. She worked tirelessly to ensure her father’s last days were the best they could be, yet, his will favors her brother. I think her father’s pathetic decision poisoned the relationship between his children and cemented a lifetime of dissension. Ms. O’Dell makes several good points in her answer. Certainly, the writer has many positive things in her life to be grateful for and parents truly do not owe their children an inheritance. Perhaps a gratitude journal would be helpful, but a few other comments come to my mind... 1. The writer asks how to broach the subject with her brother about their father’s unfairness and caution him about following in his footsteps. From my perspective, the answer is sadly obvious. This man IS following in his footsteps, as evidenced by his lack of empathy for her and taunting of his new possessions. I feel very sorry for his children – this scenario could easily play out again among them. 2. She should never feel guilty about not wanting to spend time with her brother at family events. I wouldn’t want to either. I would quietly bow out, no need for explanations. 3. I’m wondering if she could, maybe with her husband’s help, plan an event or ceremony that would allow for her to have some degree of emotional closure. Maybe by burying one of her father’s possessions, or planting a tree, or writing a heart-felt letter then burning it…something that would be symbolic and healing. In closing, I want the writer to know that in caring for her father, she did something important, even if the recognition was overlooked and gratitude was in short supply. She made a huge difference in another person's life, in more ways than she could imagine. If her family can’t say it, for whatever reason, I am saying it clearly…. Thank You.