Dad abandoned us years ago, so why should we be his caregivers now?
By Carol O'Dell, Caring.com contributing editor
My father walked out on my mom when I was in middle school. He married another woman and had two children he later left, as well. My mom took two jobs to make ends meet. Being the oldest, I became my two little brothers' full-time "mom." I even missed school if they were sick and was held back a grade.
There were so many days as a teen when I was exhausted and hungry -- and my father never gave us a dime. He now has liver cancer, and he's called us to his bedside to apologize. One of my brothers has started taking care of him. He says our father is a changed man, and that as a Christian I should forgive him and help out because he has no one. I just can't. I wish my father no harm, but I don't feel obligated to care for a man who left his own children to suffer.
He's even hinted that he's leaving his inheritance to the three of us, as if that will make me want to care for him. I cared for our mother until she drew her last breath, and I feel that extending him that same kind of loyalty would dishonor my mother. It's causing a lot of tension with my siblings. How do we deal with this?
First, no one can make you care for your father. Caregiving is a choice. Your brothers also have the right to make a choice.
We don't always care for a family member because they were good to us -- we sometimes give care because it's something we need. Perhaps your brothers are reaching out to your father partly to heal their own hearts. Perhaps taking care of him is how they need to perceive themselves.
We may think that because we lived with the same parents under the same roof we all had the same experience. This isn't true. Every child remembers childhood differently. Personality, birth order, and other life experiences color our formative years. Because you're the oldest, you may remember the hurt and devastation of divorce more acutely. You may have even shielded your younger siblings and absorbed the brunt of your mother's anger and exhaustion. Your brothers may be able to extend kindness to your father in part because of the love and stability you gave them.
Allow your brothers to do however much they want and need. Share in a peaceful manner (perhaps a letter, if talking has become too heated) that while you choose not to participate at this time, you respect their decisions. Your relationship with them matters to you and will continue long after your father is gone; don't let this situation color your love and devotion to them.
If they continue to try to coerce you or seem to be judging you, quietly but firmly refuse to get sucked in. Observe what's happening but don't let it push your buttons. By refusing to get caught up in a tangle of resentment, you’re free to find other ways to connect with your brothers.
No doubt having your father back in your life is picking at old wounds. We all have them -- those tender areas that make us wince. Ironically, reflecting on the hardest times in our lives can be a gift. Life tends to circle back around and give us the opportunity to work through yet another layer, which can bring us nearer to understanding and closure.
Eventually you may come to a place where you actually want to tell your father how you feel. Some people believe we shouldn't upset a sick person in their last days, but I think sometimes they need us to be truthful. Life (and death) changes people. When you realize that you're no longer obligated to care for your father and that he can no longer hurt you, you may find that you can sit in the same room with him, listen to his apology, and even discuss the past without letting it consume you.
You might also consider reconnecting with your father's side of the family (now or after his death). Sometimes when we shut the door on one person we push others away as well -- others we might want in our lives if we knew them better. My own birth parents and my adoptive parents have all passed on, but I find that I'm still learning about them -- and about myself -- and much of my insight, reconciliation, and forgiveness is ongoing.
The older I get the more I value mercy and grace. You were there for your mom, and that meant a great deal to you. You respected and loved her dearly. I'm sure that time caring for her left memories you hold dear to your heart. If your brothers need to likewise reach out to their father and glean some good from caring for him, isn't that a good thing?
Above all, don't lose your childhood bonds now, over this. Each of us has a different path toward healing and peace with our past. This may be a part of your siblings' journeys. I hope you all can extend one other the freedom to do what's best for each of you.
Wow! The advisor's remarks are simply wonderful. I believe that many people facing death do have a change of heart, and I would assume that your father is experiencing sincere remorse for the way he led his life. Lying in bed day after day, and no doubt in fear, he has had time to 'be still and listen'. Perhaps he is finally hearing the gentle nudges of his spirit, and yes, wants to make peace with himself, but I think it's a real blessing that he also wants to make peace with those whom he knows he's mistreated. What a grand gift it would be for him to be able to pass over in the knowledge that he has been forgiven - may he rest in peace. I also don't believe your wounds will ever heal without you allowing yourself, too, to vent the destructive anger and pain that you still, understandably, hold within you. Such negative feelings can cause physical illness, and certainly justifyable bitterness and anger. To have the opportunity to say what you've felt all these years - if you do so in a spirit of love for yourself (and with the yearning you surely will have desperately wanted to have felt in being loved by, and for, your own father) - would be a positive action. Love is the most powerful positive vibration, and if you look up "Universal Laws" on an internet search, you may understand that universal law cannot NOT work...that in all philosophies - e.g. in Christianity, it is realised that 'you reap what you sow'...in Buddhism 'Karma' states that 'what goes around comes around'. They are simply based on the universal law that Like Attracts Like...give out positive vibrations and you'll get them back in other positive vibrations...be it good health, love, prosperity... But the same applies to the negative. You have cared for your mother with such love - perhaps this is your universal reward, to reap the love that you have for so long shared and yearned? As a child who was molested by my own father, I do understand how you feel - but I am comfortable with myself having taken the opportunity on my own father's death bed to ensure that I did everything I could to see he had as peaceful a transition as I could provide to another human being. I too can now rest in peace that I did all I could that was humanly possible, considering the circumstances. I later was in a caring role for my beloved mother, and I think of her a great deal...I feel no regret or guilt or pain at having little thought of my father, but nor am I ever in doubt that I did what was necessary for my OWN healing. A lack of respect or even not being missed, is the legacy my dad earned through his own life's choices. You now have a choice. Whatever you do, make your decision in love (as I say, even for yourself), so that you no longer suffer at your father's hand. But the bottom line is, you must follow the gentle nudgings of your OWN spirit - so, be still and listen', and if it doesn't sit well with your spirit...in your HEART...to provide the wishes of your dying father, then you must follow your own heart. Remember, too, please - he has already reaped the negatives of his actions - he lost his family and his family's love for the bulk of his life. It sounds to me like he was a lost soul on Earth - I hope he is not also a lost soul in the next dimension. I hope you are somehow able to experience the love of a father that you missed for so long, but not communicating with him will never provide that opportunity. In life, make every decision based on Love, not Fear - all decisions we make are based on one of those two 'vibrations'. But decisions based on Love will always benefit you. Written with Love.
Did you think of telling your father how you feel? It may make you feel better getting it off your chest. Time to vent and let it all out--or else you will be talking to a gravestone. Take care, DEB
Try to respect the choices that your brothers are making,whether or not you agree with them. Your relationship with them is so important to what is happening now and what will happen in the future. The family ties that you established with them as they grew up,will give them and you the strength you need during this difficult time. God Bless!
I agree with all said so far, you have no obligation to care for an uncaring father. Big question is,, if he weren't sick and needy would he have ever called and tried to get back into your life??? My guess is no! Your brothers can do as they want, but have a very honest disussion with them on why you just can't or won 't be a part of his caretaking at this time. remind them you love them and it is nothing against them and you don't want it to ruin your relationship becasue you have a difference of opinion.
Yes- my exhusband moved to California to live a good life over 16 years ago- lives on disability due to being bipolar and schizo- was diagnose with prostate cancer-very early stage 2 years ago- just being watched- so far he is fine. He makes my oldest daughter really guilty about everything. His family blames my daughters and me for his problems.- I found out after 16 years of marriage- that my ex husband tried to commit suicide 11 times and was diagnose with mental problems before he was married to me- his family believed it was not necessary for me to know- so we found out the hard way- he almost tried to kill me and kill him self. I don't like the idea that my daughter feels guilty because she has done nothing wrong- but I feel if this is what she wants to do and be in touch with him- that is fine- she is over 18. My other daughter has no contact with her father and doesn't care.