I'm a new widow who wants to skip the holidays this year – but my grown kids want me to be with them.
By Carol O'Dell, Caring.com contributing editor
I'm grieving the death of my husband, who died in October after just a six-week illness, and would really prefer to just skip the holidays this year. It's my first holiday season without him, and it's hitting me hard. Honestly, I don't want to celebrate the holidays in any way, shape, or form. Work is the only thing that keeps my mind off my sorrow.
My children -- a daughter and a son, who live five hours away -- want me to take time off at Christmas to "be with the family." I'd rather stay here and work. It would be easier for me if I just acted like Christmas doesn't exist this year. Is this selfish? Should I try to "be there" for my kids? I know it's hard on them, too. But celebrating without my dear husband feels like more than I can bear.
Grief, especially around the holidays, isn't easy, and it's definitely messy. You've been hit a devastating blow -- no wonder you don't feel like celebrating. Your feelings are normal and healthy, so don't feel guilty for humbugging it this season.
Your children aren't planning to go anywhere, so give yourself a break and see how you feel in the coming days about joining them. Grief can cause our emotions to swing from one extreme to another. Tell them you'd like to figure out how you feel when you get closer to the date. Even though your kids lost their dad -- and that's a monumental loss -- the death of a spouse is a whole different level of grief.
Reassure them that you love them and tell them that if you end up deciding it would be better for you to stay home for the holidays, you hope they'll respect your decision. They may just be making sure you're not getting too lonely and depressed. It's hard on them, too, so try to be sensitive to their feelings. But most of all, honor your own needs. You may have to let them find their own inner strength --- and trust that yours will return in time.
Listen to that quiet voice inside to guide you. If you don't usually suffer from crippling depression when not dealing with a tragedy, trust that your passion for life will eventually return. Grief can feel scary. Your emotions are probably on a wider pendulum swing than you've ever experienced, and you're still in shock. Your husband's illness came on fast and hard. After our bodies and emotions exert themselves during times of great stress, there's a fall-out period. We tend to crash, get sick because our immune systems are shot, and snap at others because our emotions are so out of whack. We can dip into an all-time low.
Some people choose anti-depressants or sleeping aids, while other cope au naturel. Do what seems right, but be aware of any crutch that grows over time (sleeping too much, drinking, prescription meds). While it's fine to have a glass of wine, if it grows to a nightly several, then it's time to ask for a little help.
Gathering with others who are going through something similar in a bereavement group is one way many widows and widowers find it helpful to process turbulent emotions. Many places of worship, hospice organizations, and community centers have such support groups; check out several until you find a good fit. Also consider seeing a counselor or spiritual advisor. Losing those we love affects every part of us. We have to redefine who we are without them. We have to figure out how to go on when nothing in us wants to.
I'm sure you know that long-term isolation isn't healthy and can even be dangerous. You mentioned you're still working, and that's a good sign. After my mom passed, I, too, found a surge of energy. I exercised like crazy, returned to college, and seemed to do ten things at once -- and then I'd crash and not be able to do anything but hit the remote control on my TV for a few days. Maybe it's about the need to reconnect with life or to try to drown your sorrow, but both are natural reactions to grief.
Whatever you do, refuse to get sucked in by guilt! You don't need to feel bad about feeling bad. Your children may think being there during the holidays with the tree and the kids and all those wonderful things will make you feel better, but you may have to firmly explain that if you can't, then you can't, and that's all there is to it. You'll have many other times with your family, so you're not a bad mom or grandmother if you skip Christmas. It doesn't all hinge on this one day.
A dear friend who lost her husband and recently her son shared with me that profound grief is like a window left open in your heart. Sometimes, for minutes or hours at a time, you're OK -- and then a big gust of grief sweeps in, takes your breath, and knocks you to your knees. It comes when it comes, but in time, it comes less. Until then, do the best you can, moment by moment.
I appreciate your advise and will consider it. The group I am speaking of offers nothing but the tear jerking stories. No sympathy, no suggestions for coping, nothing but the stories, the same each week. The participants tell these stories with the grief of fresh death every week. Like I said they bleed anew. It reminds me of a stagnet pool covered with green slime. Nothing good can live there and nothing good will surface. It's like they are all comforted by the gut renching grief each has to offer and for some reason..unknown to me hold that grief like a flag. Some have been attending for over 10 years. I will find a way to "test" some other groups as my daughter needs support as well as my friend and keep you informed. While life will never be the same for anyone who looses a loved one, including me, I find standing in the grave to be very counterproductive after any amount of time.
Tea, I am so sorry that you and your loved ones have had such a bad experience with the support groups. They have to such a rare exception or these groups would not be there any longer. People would not continue to go to meetings where they felt they were not getting anything out of it. I think the point of people standing up at these meetings, and telling why they are there, is part of the healing process. It lets you know that you are not alone. That other people are going through such similar events in their lives and you get a glimpse of how they are getting through it. Its so important to know that you are not alone when you are dealing with such tragic events. It gives you a chance to tell the details that you wouldn't go into around your family and friends. I won't give you a hard time about your post, I would just encourage you to keep searching for a group you are comfortable with. Obviously, if the only thing a group does is tell their story over and over again, and no insight or suggestions as to how to deal with the loss are given, then, yes...do not go again. You won't get anything out of that group. Yet, if there is insight..suggestions...even other people telling you that they understand and are there for you, then, I think its worth your time to stick with it and see what the group can offer you. I don't know how you would go about "testing" a group of this nature without attending the meetings (more than one or two), but, if you know of a way, please enlighten all of us as to how to do it. I hope that your family will soon find the peace it is looking for, Tea...I honestly do know what you are going through. Its beyond the toughest thing you have ever gone through. But, I do believe there is a way...you just have to find the right one. Please keep us informed as to how you are doing.
I will probably get a lot of negative comments on this post so bring it on. I have a friend who lost her child 7 years ago and my daughter lost her son, my grandson of 4, last Jan.They attended support groups for help. Some support groups, not all, but some, are just as deadly to the emotional well-being as the act/illness that took your loved one. Both the above mentioned people were attending support groups for those who lost a child. I attended three and threw such a fit both of them quit. It was like a wake everytime we went. This support group encourages participants to relive the death in details that are best left alone to heal. AA meetings and Alanon are famous for bringing the absolute worst behavior a drunk has ever produced to wear on the sleeve like a badge. This group did the same thing. Each person stands up, introduces themselves, and tells the gruesome details of death, every time. It was a shame too. These people bleed anew every week and keep going back because they have no idea there is another way and many support groups that can help. Before you suggest a support group, check it out. If I had known both my friend and my daughter would be subjected to such, I would have shown my butt much sooner. The next group, if there is one, will be strongly tested you can be sure.
Prayers Journey002
I am wondering what you chose to do and how you got through the holidays, now that its over. I so hope you chose to be with your children and grandchildren. You need help getting through this and so do they. What better way to do that than to be together. Find strength from you children and other loved ones. They are there for you and want to help. Don't shut them out now. If you chose not to be with family, what did you do to occupy yourself? How did you do, emotionally? Didn't you wish at times that you were with your family? I hope you got through everything dealing with the holidays without any more significant heartache. May the new year help you find your inner strength and inner peace. I hope you find the ability to join life again...there really is so much beauty here. Please let us know how you are doing!
My 82 year old father passed away on Dec 16, 2009, yes, less than 2 weeks ago. He was diagnosed on 3 Nov 09 with Stage 4 lung cancer that had metastisized to the bone. He was given 9-15 months to live and we only ended up having a very short 6-weeks left with him. It was devestating since we thought we still had quite a bit of time left with him. I still cannot believe he is gone--it hurts so much. At first we decided not to celebrate Christmas this year, but after discussing it with my husband and mother, we decided that Dad would not want us to change anything, so we did have a small Christmas with all our siblings, even though it was as hard as it was. My father was a wall of strength and we miss him so very much, but Christmas will never be the same. I thought the pain was suppose to get easier?
Hugs Nomadic Nature
I do understand your feelings and everyone's comments. I can't imagine what I'd do without my husband AND I really think I would feel very much as you do now. It seems to me that if you completely skip the holidays then Christmas will always be THAT holiday when your husband left. Inside I feel deeply that a modest celebration is best for you to make your own tradition now after such a drastic, hideous life change. AND it will give your children their opportunity to comfort you and you THEM! They are the best of what's left, right? My poor dear, my prayers are with you. We survive the ugly as we celebrate the wonderful as part of the natural order of life, do we not? Smile & remember...with love - Sally
my husband passed away going on three yrs this coming Jan. and it is still soooo hard to see the holidays coming. i feel the same way. i just want to crawl in my bed and disapper from the world. it is so hard. i dont know if it will ever get any easier. we were married 25 yrs. and i miss him soo much. i was also diagnosed with leukemia which doesnt help with my depression.... and now to top it off i cant believe i was arrested last week ,, i had one of my spells i get where i get very dizzy, sweat, and all i could do was think i need to get air. not realizing i had my buggy with me still... i am in shock this has happened. ive Never been n any trouble in my life... im so scared and now i really want to just hide from the world. sometimes i think my husband is in a better place than we are... my 25 yr old daughter is all that keeps me going. she is such a good girl .. my life........
It is extremely hard going through the holidays without a lost loved one. My adult son died unexpectedly a few days following Christmas and it hasn't been the same. It has been 10 years since his death and I still cannot put up a tree. I now have a grandaughter by my youngest son and watching her helps tremendously. If you do decide to go to your childrens' homes, remind them you will need some alone time when it becomes too overwhelming. The hole in your heart never leaves, it is always there, and you really have to "work" at living your life. Your loss is still new so don't push it but do not bury yourself either. It is very easy to get stuck working and going home and so on every day. After the holidays, try one of the grief groups. They are everywhere and they DO help. Everyone has lost someone in the group and know what you are going through. My sympathy and best wishes to you.
Hugs Nomadic Nature
Hugs jorie13
It sounds like your kids are trying to be there for you.
My Dad died a couple weeks before Xmas. Xmas was always my Mom's favorite Holiday. I had 2-small children at that time. All I wanted to do was cry and have my Mom close to me. She wouldn't leave the house and did not celebrate for many years. Now she has dementia and all that time is now lost. Do what is best for you this year but next year please make an effort to be with your family. You will not regret it even though your heart will stil ache.
I too wish I could call of Christmas this year. It will be the first without my 4-year-olds grandson who parished in a roll-over accident in Jan. Although we have experienced the deaths of several family members ie. Grandma, Grandpa, beloved step-father, aunts, uncles, and several cousins, but, this year the anticipation of how everyone will react is what has me on guard. We have lots of kids in the family and it seems very unfair to short them for no fault of their own. In our case, and there are a lot of us, we got thru the holidays just fine with a little weeping and a box of Kleenex. Do remember that once you cancel a year of holidays, you can't get it back and doing double next year will gain you no points.
Hugs Nomadic Nature
i know its hard when u lose a loved one!!1 But 2 years ago I lost my sister to cervical cancer, I thought my life was over she was best friend,Hey if u dont want to celebrate christmas thats quite alright, you will come out of it in your own time, but remember to forget your children,there the best that ever happen to u, my kids got me out of it but am finally resigning to it dont give up hope if you want to email and talk my name is rose @ rosyrodriguez1@yahoo.com