Dad's killing himself to take care of Mom.

You're not alone! This can be very frustrating and draining. Don't forget to make time for yourself! Hugz!

Carol O"Dell arttical is exactly my situation. My wife is currently in rehab after a fall that created her need for a hip operation. Dementia has created a mental block and she is not receptive to PT and I have instilled in large letters WALK. I keep sayng the word over and over and she has just gotten into rehab so I do not have any results. Druming in the same word I hope will have an effect. I shall keep my blog open for suggestions and will proviode progress reports.

Hello, This is my first time on this site and I could have written this post myself. My mom also has vascular dementia and my dad is killing himself taking care of her. Mom also has sundown syndrome. Dad had a heart attack Christmas eve and is still in the hospital and is scheduled for an angiogram tomorrow. My sister and I are sharing the 24/7 care for my mom but can't continue like this but can't allow dad to continue either. We do have helpers 4 hours a day for 3 days a week, but that has to change. Don't want mom in a nursing home and we have had a live in before with not so good results. So tomorrow I will be making a lot of phone calls trying to work out something we can all live with. My folks lived 2 hours away also, but I persuaded them to move closer after my dad had quadruple bypass in 2000. I would like to know how you and your family are doing. I don't have any words of wisdom for you but have to acknowledge that somehow it is comforting to know that others are sharing almost the same circumstances as I am. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I'm where your dad is - Trying to be the anchor and shepard and I know logically its simply too much. But I'll keep Mom in our home until its impossible = and I pray I'll know that before the "work & worry" takes its toll on me and my family. It's easier said than done = to accept its' too much because we love our parents so much - as they have loved us.

I had the great pleasure of reading all these comments before I went home to Mn. i care for my father in law here in my home: I went to to Mn to assist my mother with the care of my father. I have had that "take care of yourself" talk with her on many occassions. Yeah yeah I know is all she ever said. this time: I was able to talk with her and assist her in understanding that having help come in, or calling on my siblings more and my kids, that it does not make her weak, it will not take control away, that putting dad in the VA hospital so she can get her knee surgery does not mean they will keep him, it does not mean that she will loose everything. My daughter works in a nursing home dealing with all the differnt insurance companies; she helped Mom to understand what they require and how it works. I want to say thank you for all your comments; they helped me to understand what Mom was not saying and to help her say what she feared so we could focus on them and why she had those fears. Hugs and prayers to all of you.

Call a home care agency in their area and talk to them. My mother in law didin't think she needed help. Would not let anyone help her even tho she was on hospice and was a major fall hazard. My husband and his brother were providing 24/7 care for months for his mom. All this while working fulltime and taking a day off here and there. They were burnt out beyond belief. Finally, we had hospice nurse, social worker and the family talk to her and give her the options. It was either you accept homecare 24/7 or you have to move into a nursing home. We told her just how hard it was on the boys and she was finally concerned enough about her sons that she accepted. It was a huge relief!! My husband slept for hours the first day we had a caregiver there; the first time in months. If your dad won't accept care for himself, he may accept it for you.

These are all well meaning comments and some offer the same old same old. This is what I have to say after 10 years of caring for my mom,first I gave up my job as an adjunct professor moving towards tenure and so what? secondly I dated but my mom was numero uno. All the time. So what? thirdly telling him to take care of himself is useless. I heard that a million times and heeded none of it, I had a tia mini stroke from worrying about mommy, so? my blood pressure shot up, I broke a finger from carrying her so? I got bacterial infections,fungal infections,gained weight from the stress, so? I LOVED MY MOTHER AND I WOULD DO IT AGAIN. First of all the welfare department cannot help you if you have means property or an estate. So forger that. People on Medicaid own nothing. Whether they transferred assets which is illegal within 5 years or a hiding money you create stress by not walking in the light. Estate lawyer? laughable..stay away..local office on aging will help with food shopping, for seniors and disabled,maybe dental care, eye care,and trips for pleasure.. Let's tell it like it is. Where is the rest of the family? They don't want to help? ok that happens as it happened to me, though I MADE my children take some responsibility for their generous grandmother...Everyone that has dementia does not wander away.. and FYI depending on the physiological and psychological mind of your loved one..Dementia departs IF you live long enough.. no one is 100 with dementia. A professional care manager can help tremendously...as in Home Care Hospice..just do not allow them ever to give her morphine or Ativan unless she is dying from cancer or in excruciating pain. In which case Hospice personnel are VERY caring. I didn't need to be needed.. I knew I was the most intelligent and loving person left towards my mother..The fight then becomes with the medical community and their desire to rush the person into the next life, How to help your father? When you go for the weekends, or one weekend, take over the cleaning and dressing, cook the food, and cook for 3 days so on Monday he has a break after you have left. A caregiver wants to know that the loved one is receiving the same level of care empathy, and compassion they provided. Make sure she is clean, and fed and happy. Talk to the infirm. Talk about life and politics and music and art and ask them what they think about anything. My mother went through an "alzheimer's like" time period. Talking to somebody an particpating in an eloquent soliliquy--lots of anger, pushing away. Fighting the loss of independence.. My mom went blind at 89- years of age and told noone. So we dummies had not idea -that is called pride. And it's ok. That is not foolish pride. It is a universal human pride. She said unkind things, but a noble heart understands all of that..and while there is a temporary bleeding.. it will heal..In the end I would do all that I did for my mommy, Exception I would research every darn thing any so called doctor ever told me..I would not believe anything as it applied to mom, without first researching the other side of the issue. They were wrong, Wrong until the very end. God Bless Her spirit..as her body is gone..we are human, we make mistakes. At the end of the earthly life I really truly realized that LOVE,COMPASSION,KINDNESS IS INDEED THE ANSWER. We will leave at our destined time according to the Book of Life. Why spend time convincing your Dad that it's not safe. He will let go when you support his loving kindness, when you attempt to work with him not against, him because you are not the caregiver. You don't mention if this is your mother or step-mother.. The issue is perhaps you. I support your Dad for his Love of his wife. Too bad he will never see this to know that someone understands his stance and supports him through it all. I am now 61 years of age. I will start Law school in the fall, I have wonderful friends, working on my health..so you see?Life goes on. I miss her, but I talk to her via my thoughts and heart and sometimes out loud -out of range of persons who would never understand what true love is, and I don't care. They can call me crazy..but I tell you this.. Deep in my heart I am comfortable of all the pain, mental emotional,legal and physical that I endured,for my mommy who could not defend herself. And so I will champion the cause of the defenseless as a lawyer. Whether I graduate or not, as I will turn 65 that year 2014. Life is to be lived and to live life without love is MEANINGLESS. There is a solution, for your dad find it.

I just lost my dad in December. He lost his battle with prostste cancer. He insisted on taking care of my mom who has Alzheimer's at home. She was wandering, saying she had to go home, which meant to the home she shared with her mother, who in her mind was still alive (Grandma died in 1976). She didn't remember she had been married for 42 years and saw my dad as her friend (good days), her boarder (fair days), or a total stranger (bad days). I tried to convince dad to move Mom into a nursing home but he insisted on taking care of her himself. Where he grew up, family took care of family. Strangers didn't take care of your loved ones. Sadly, this train of thought put him into his grave. Sit your dad down and talk to him. Sit on him if you have to keep him from walking out of the room like my dad did. Tell him you love him. Tell him you trust him to do what is right by you mom. But drive home the point that he is human and he is only going to make himself sick by doing it alone. Get someone you know he will listen to (clergy, family member, good friend) to help you with your arguement. And yes it can be an argument. It was for me. Get a hold of your mom's doctor and talk to them about hospice. I signed up both my parents on 12/2 last year and it was a HUGE relief and help because I live an hour away. Sadly my dad passed away 20 days later. I'm still kicking myself for not calling hospice sooner. I may still have my dad today. If the doctor says it's too soon for hospice, get a hold of a home health company. They will work with your dad and the insurance to take care of your mom until she goes to her heavenly reward. None of this will be easy. It will seem like pushing back the ocean with a broom. Just take a deep breath and push on. I will pray for you.

Very important posting and something many family members struggle with. I echo the sentiments and want to advocate that a professional care manager can be very helpful in assisting the family to discuss these issues...a neutral party, a lot of experience, knowledge of how to approach and coach the daughter in best ways to speak to Dad about concerns...and as stated in the reply, having a professional to help can assist in avoiding the chore orientation of visits--let's you be the daughter again. I think this excerpt may be helpful...from a story my colleague typed up about her work with a couple, Dorothy and Ken (husband w/Alzheimer's): "Dorothy stoically told her story, and outlined her daily routine, which started at 5:00 a.m. and ended long after Ken went to bed at night. When she finished, I felt as tired as she looked. I asked her what she needed the most, and she was at a loss for words. “Just help,” she said. As I listed the ways that I could help, she discounted each one with a “No, that’s something I do for Ken,” or “I don’t think that would help me.” When I had exhausted my list of ways that I could help, and she had not jumped at any of them, I asked her if I was misunderstanding what she had been telling me. She replied that all of the things that I had listed were “hers” to do for him, based on their wedding vows. I thought for a moment, and asked her to recount her vows, as best she could. After she told me her recollection, I asked her where in the vows it said that she had to do all of those things by herself. She began to cry, which then upset Ken. I did not realize until months later the impact of those words on her... "Over the next few years, Dorothy began to relinquish some of the caregiving tasks. Dorothy was the first to tell you that she needed the control and needed to feel needed. Life was getting pretty comfortable for Dorothy and Ken as she finally began to trust that Ken was okay with others helping him, and that it did not diminish her role as his spouse."

We just lost our mom from dementia. Keeping her home was unsafe and i couldn't be there all of the time. First I would say as hard as it is TAKE CARE OF YOU!!! I know it's hard but you have to...trust me. I don't know where you are so this may be no help. Do you have a local office on aging? They usually have alot to offer or can direct you. Also the Dept of Public Welfare . Some estate attorneys do offer guidance too. I know it's 24/7 . Hang in there, it's a long hard road.