My dad is in assisted living, and my mom feels so guilty that she's upset all the time.

Can your mom move in with your dad?

My grandmother came to live with us in the early stages of dementia. She then rapidly declined and over the next five years developed far greater needs than our family was equipped to meet. Everyone contributed to her care, but it meant there was little respite for anyone. We were all depressed and on edge but could not see it at the time. Her progressive dementia made her lash out at us, often believing and repeating painful untruths. Throughout this time she refused medical care and outside family members failed to support our periodic requests that we reassess her situation. Everyone was trapped. I now understand that in addition to memory loss, delusions, changes in behavior and mood, and increasing physical challenges. My grandmother's view of the world was draped in fear of the unknown. Everything was a potential danger to her. I believe she lived in terror. The condition she had is probably genetic and others in our family are at various stages of progression in the disease. I am profoundly grateful that the family is now more open to medical care and in-patient medical support for my family members. The difference is NIGHT and DAY. An aunt who has gone the in-patient route is not heavily medicated, but she is calm, clean, engaged in her community, and her basic and medical needs are met by trained professionals who DO get to step away. Finally, I hope your mom understands that she still has a very critical role. She is an emotional and physical connection that everyone needs throughout care. I have read that Alzheimer's patients often "just wish to be touched" in a compassionate way. I think that is the case for many with dementia and other conditions that change the way they interact with others. Your family also plays a critical role in ensuring that the care she receives is consistent, compassionate, and responsive to his evolving needs. These are all new roles your mother and family play in helping your father.

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers!

My mother had Lewy Body and dad cared for her at home until he was diagnosed with Lymphoma. He agreed to allow us to get mom into a memory-care facility while he was treated. She would cry and ask to go home when he visited, which made things more difficult for dad. Fortunately, the facility was nearby and most of the kids and grandkids live in town. We would often go in groups, bring her a blizzard from Dairy Queen and make it a fun visit. We would take our small dogs for her to hold as well. She would have a good time, laugh, and forget about being upset. We would leave in stages so she was not suddenly alone and usually had dad leave somewhere in the middle. Dad brought mom back home when his chemo therapy was complete, but the stress was high as mothers disease progressed. She was having hallucinations, paranoia, and anger. Stress is toxic to our health and even more so when recovering from cancer. Dad's cancer returned after only nine months. The treatment was more aggressive the second time and he was very sick. He still wanted to keep her home, but he finally understood that he would die before her if he did not focus on himself. This was very hard for him since he has always been healthy and independent. Mom passed away in February 2010, but dad has remained cancer free for 18 months now. The doctors told us if he makes it another six months with no return, he has about 80% chance it will not return. Dad knows he did all that he could for mom and is not living with guilt, but he misses her every day. I write about some of our experiences at www.memoryofmom.com. There is no fee and I am not selling anything. The purpose is to encourage others who are going through what we endured.