Mom says caregiving is "women's work" -- which means I can't get any help from Dad.

It does not matter man or women, some people are better than others at doing this. It takes a kind hearted person to be patient enough. Men are many times better than women not letting the stress get to them.

Great suggestions. As a mediator with Elder Mediation as a specialty, I would only add this: First - mediators are trained, neutral parties that are trained in negotiating skills, and would be the best choice for helping the family reach an agreement - that's what they do. Second - make sure you get a mediator that has the extra training in elder mediation - it's a much more complicated animal. Go to www.mediation.com to search for a trained elder mediator in your area. Good Luck.

i agree it's about coming together as a family. that's the real issue here. it's possible your brothers also see this as a woman's duty too. but try to arrange a family conference -- in person or online. it's not expensive to do it through the internet, if they can't get there. be adult in your presentation (because it's not fair, but that isn't going to make your case. your case will be the long list of duties you have. if they're coming together in person and you're uncertain about what to say,, it's worth getting a medtator (social worker, aging services expert, findable in your community through senior service or area agency on aging). families often behave much better with outsiders there. list your parents' needs and your help needs. if your brothers can't or won't physically help (even once or twice a year on a week break), then ask them to contribute to paying for extra help. if your parents have money, it should be used for this. i agree with Carol. re-educating Mom is probably a lost cause. but bring Dad into the care conference is not. Mom too. because then she'll hear everyone addressing her needs. the more you bring your own inner adult into this, the less it'll be you, no brothers and your Mom in struggle together. it'll become an adult issue to be dealt with in an adult way. i hope you do well with your brothers' wives if they have them) because they can be great allies for you in this. remember, it's often the wives who help husbands wake up to certain family issues (in a good way). keep remembering this isn't a girl thing. it's a grown-up issue about time and motion and meeting medical needs. i expect your Mom's a wonderful person, but she's also possibly a manipulator. so step out of those power plays and insist on the practical. be sure to attend caregiver support groups, because they'll help you stay strong and give you realistic feedback. any caregiver support group will do, even an alzheimer's one, because most caregivers of elders have many of the same issues -- and family power play is usually a very big one. it's wonderful you're doing all you're doing. your parents are very lucky. but don't go on this way. (you surely aren't playing the martyr, are you? remember,. nobody likes a martyr and nobody tries to help them either) your first commitment is to your own children and mate. if you can and it's not dangerous, by all means step back and let your brothers step in. is it possible your parents don't need so much of your help? if your brothers are in error, invite them to come and help for a week while you all go away on vacation -- that's usually all the real education they'll need to help them wake up. Good luck and bless you for trying. put yourself on your own care list though. remember, you're worth it!