I'm Mom's primary caregiver, but I have to justify every penny I spend on her to my siblings

I may be in the minority but I can relate to the siblings only to the following degree. My mom has dementia and was in a nursing home, now she lives with my brother and his wife because they lived closest. I am not demanding an accounting of every dime or arguing over which pharmacy would be cheapest. I have simply been left out completely. Unlike the writer of the above letter. My mom has money not a lot but enough to live on and I just have no idea how its being spent. I know that my brother has told me that he maxed out her credit card and spent all available cash on my her. I have never disputed that nor will I. I just believe that he has not used the best judgment when it comes to making his decisions and he had blocked me completely from helping. I have never been asked to chip in and I don't think I need to since my mother has enough money to live on. I just don't think it's right that I not be included. I would never have done it to him.

hello tell your siblings that you are making vacation plans for yourself and you want to know who will be attending your mother full time in your absence then make a detailed list of her needs and suggestions how to perform this in the most efficient way. i will be taking care of my best friends mother next week while she is gone on vacation and being a nurse i anticipate it to be a tough job. good luck

I think that's a good idea to have everyone contribute, so the parent can have a better quality of life

I'm trying to maqke changes in 2012, I know if I keep doing the same old things, and expecting different results, that's insanity. So I'm trying to stop the siblings from abusing me with the care of mom.

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE HOW YOUR SIBLINGS CAN GIVE YOU ADVICE AND THEY ALWAYS SEEM TO KNOW THE BEST WAY TO DO THINGS . AND THEY ARE SO QUICK TO CRITICIZE HOW YOU ARE DOING THINGS YOU SHOULD DO THIS OR THAT ----BUT ISN'T IT FUNNY WHEN EVER YOU TURN AROUND THEY ARE NO WHERE TO BE FOUND. DO YOURSELF A HUGE FAVOR GET YOUR MOM'S P.O.A. AND MAKE SURE YOU REGISTER IT . GREED CAN BE AN UGLY THING AND YOU DO NOT WANT TO END UP IN COURT WITH YOUR SIBLINGS OR WORSE . MY PRAYERS ARE WITH EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU WHO AS I HAVE CHOSEN TO CARE FOR YOUR LOVED ONE . NO ONE TRULY REALIZES THE SACRIFICES WE MAKE EACH AND EVERY DAY.

Anonymous from 4 days ago, you are never going to keep peace in the family on these matters. And if you think that the other siblings are keeping track of the time they spend, it is not going to happen. I get no money for caring for my mother and never have, I gave up a very lucrative company. And people unless they are participating should not be allowed to have input in anything unless asked. Because when that parent dies, their will be fighting even if you try to [keep the peace]

I too have taken care of my parents since 1997 and my mother after dad's passing in 2005. I have 7 siblings who all have their own strategy on what I should be doing and what I should be spending. I say, " NO, I am not going to account to you any of what I am doing with mother or her money. If when she passes they would like to come after me, Great!!' I have received no help from them, not a single," let me give you a break". I sent them all what it would cost to have my mother looked after by outside help, i received not one response. Because no one wants to know the truth of the matter. You have to do what you know is right, and say your prayers. God Bless you, you are not Alone.

Sounds like to me they want control with none of the responsibility. I am my father's caregiver and I also handle all the money. I use the debit card for just about every expenditure relating to my dad's care so that I have a receipt and it shows up on the bank statement. Until those siblings walk a mile in your shoes, I would say they have no grounds for complaint, even if you are spending a bit more on some aspect of care. My sister wanted me to switch Dad's meds to a mail order service to "save money." When I sat down and did the actual math, the savings weren't worth the trouble. Plus, the pharmacist has been handling Dad's meds for years and he has proven to be enormously helpful in answering questions and handling the insurance, etc. -- something that a mail-order service does not make readily available. Good luck in dealing with your situation; sounds like you need it.

I think for the sake of keeping peace in the family all caregivers should verify what they are spending money on when caring for a parent or relative. Each person may even want to keep track of how much time they spend with the person and leave notes about what is going on if anything unusual has come up. I like the idea of having a bank account that all children contribute to when the person does not have the money on their own. I do not feel that children should expect to be paid for caring for their parent, however some compensation for gas and mileage might be in order if it is more than once a week.