39 years. Twenty of those years he has not been well. The last two years he has need constant care.I am barely able to step out on my deck. I maybe get four hours of sleep, sometimes less. I too have been overeating from stress. I feel like his mother instead of his wife. Thanks for letting me tell this without any judgment.
An anonymous caregiver
Listen to all of the above comments
very carefully. I have been through the nursing home thing with my Mother. My dad was several years older than my Mother so he was the first to go, but he asked me if anything happened to him would i take care of my mother. Of couse I said i would and that she would never have to go into a nursing home. Oh, how this came back to haunt me!!
DO NOT EVER PROMISE THIS, because you have no idea what you may be facing in the future. I cared for my Mother in my home when she fell and fractured her knee, and when she had a stroke. she spent some recovery time in a nursing home and then came to live with my husband and me. she was doing well but then she fell and broke her hip and had to have a hip replacement. She never walked again and i could not tend to her. there was no money on her side to pay for in home care so she had to go to a nursing home and i cried for several weeks because i thought i was letting my Father down: however my wonderful sweet Mother told me that she did not fault my decision, but i have always felt i was suppose to do more
It's time to make some serious changes. It will be hard, but, necessary. Too much time has been lost already. Life is too short. Do what's best for all involved. In home care-givers(paid staff, or other family members), or placement. Or, just time to move out, & on. It gets to the point where it's unhealthy for all involved....& that just isn't right, either.
An anonymous caregiver
As long as you let them (your brother
and sisterin law) take advantage of you they will continue to do so. it is time you started standing up for yourself and taking care of yourself. No one else is going to do it for you
An anonymous caregiver
I think realistically that you
have to tell your husband in no uncertain terms, that his mother must be in a care facility. End of story. When he married you, his loyalty is to be to YOU first, his parents second. Find a facility close to your home, and assure your husband that you will check on her twice day and keep contact with her caregivers at the facility. But him getting angry at you is undeserved. And you know it. We women have to learn to say no. He'll adjust and in the long run, will see how it is better. I am a fulltime caregiver to my husband and could kick myself for allowing myself to "wind up" being his primary caregiver. I'm a real patsy and want to help you not be one anymore.
WANT to say 'no' to nursing home forever. But, it's a tough thing to follow through with. People's conditions/situations change. My 'Hubby' has always said:'he doesn't make promises', for fear, he won't be able to keep them.....a good philosophy!
A fellow caregiver
my husband promised the same thing
to never put his mom in a nursing home. while i am totally against nursing homes till they r the last resort. i do believe that if the parent is able to care for themselves they need too. i am on the opposite end of most everyone. my mother in law lives with us she moved in when her son did it was a package deal i would not make him choose between her r me so i told him it was ok. litttle did i know that my life was about to turn into hell on earth...
he promised her if she was not happy living with me that he would move them both out into their own place if we did not get married. well we married and she throws it up in my face every time she gets mad that she will make him leave me if i dont do as she says. i hate living under the constant threat that he will leave me . he says he never told her that. but he does expect me to take care of her i quit my job to be home with her he went back to work to get away from her..he was retired..
she does not need constatn care just a litle help with the hard daily life things like deep cleaning vaccumning. mopping.. she is in good overall health only has copd but will not do anything for herself. she will not cook make her own lunch do her laundry make her bed wash a coffe cup but she will order me to do it for her. he does not see this says she is old let her have her way. it is tearing me apart i cant sleep i over eat because that is the only joy i have lleft. we can not do anything that she is not with us r that she does not controll. i hate giving my life up to someone who can take care of theirself. i know one day she will no longer be able to but she is really pushing my limits.
she will not go to any senior outings r centers for old people because at 87 she is not old. she likes to hang with us. i miss the life we had before she became so dominering. how do i get some of it back?
she has another son in another state but she will not stay with them because his wife will not wait on her hand n foot n kiss her ass. i think they should help. she has the money to go places do anything she wants but she just sits in her room waiting on her trays of food to be brought to her playing online games all day. she will call u when she is done so u can clean up after her.
one year after our marriage i was informed any n all monies he inherits from his mother will go to his daughter her will is already made out to be split between the 2 boys. the other son has no children. i am being selfish i guess but what do i get out of killing myself taking care of her but a hard time. i did not know she had money till after we were marrieed so it was never in the equasion i could really care less. but why should i give up everything to take care of her for nothing in return but fights with her son. i love him with all my heart n i dont want to loose him but she is just a bitch from hell.
she has run all my family n friends away no one will come to our home anymore because she is so demading of me. they cant see why i stay.. well it is my home n land even though she wants me to sign it over to her son. he has never asked me to..she has never had to work and her late husband took very god care of her. he was a traveling salesman she went with him. they left my husband at age 10 to care for his self for days at a time so they could be together what kind of mother leaves their child to go to work with their dad. btw he is not the father of the first son n would not adopt him till he was 18 so if their marriage did not work he did not have to pay extra child support. i did not know any of this till after we were married i did not know what i got myself into..
so after all my rambling any help out there?
out of the situation! You have to follow through, too. Making idle threats tends to lead them to believe you're just 'blowin' off steam' & won't take you seriously. I went through 10 yrs. w/ husband. I, finally, had to take action!
Call your local health authority and enlist thier help. Go to your doctor and your M-i-l's doctor and enlist thier help. Tell them you need a respite break at the very least. Put your M-I-L in respite care for a minimum of 2 weeks--with or without your husbands help.Let him know you are doing this and if he refuses to consider it just do it anyway. Refuse to argue with him about this till the end of the respite.
Breathe deeply for those couple of weeks and let your shouldors go back to the bottom of your neck rather than up beside your ears.You don't have to go on a holiday, maybe you just need to have a nap, have a massage, get your hair done--read a lirary book without interuption. If you'vehadMom nnkidsfor 17 years you might just njoyour home.
At the end of that time, and a very short time it is, call a family meeting. Let hem all know how you feel. Thank your husband & sons for stepping up to the plate for you. Tell the extended family you need and i emphasize need thier help, and see what you can plan out together.
At the very least you have a break and perhaps both you and your husband will be able to see the value of a care home.
And as an aside, tell your kids to do what is right for the occassion when your time comes--don't be bond by a promise made years ago while you were in a moment of fearing the aging process.
carefully my dear! I was caregiver 65 yrs out of my 70 yr. life & am now too broken down to enjoy any form of life.
My wonderful husband fell right into the trap of careing for both our families & he too has been disabled for the past 13 yrs. following a 26 yr. illness & death.of our youngest son. Our heart was in the right place, but it will kill you! Just celebrated our 55th Wedding Anniversary & are just as much in love as the day we met, we are truly blessed. Should have set aside time for ourselves & two wonderful sons instead of caring for & adopting children who are nothing but ingrates to us now. There are narcistic personalities in most every family who will drain every ounce of life from one & never look back. Demanding a life for yourself is not selfish, it's a blessing from God & if others choose not to make the right choices it isn't our obligation to do it for them.
I pray you find peace & (Get a life!)
more than twenty years experience in the field, there is a lot more to be said here than meets the eyes. If she has been doing this for 17 years and has 3 teenage sons, they have been substantially impacted by family caregiving – directly and indirectly. Each of the kids has had more than 10 years of active family caregiving. The loss of mom to burnout – means the loss of mom in a normal role – soccer mom, scouts, and sports activities. Plus the responsibilities of grandmother have been delegated and legislated without much explanation. From the time frame and the age of the kids, this event looks like it literally happened from the time they returned from their honeymoon. Was seventeen years of this responsibility inserted into the marriage vows? Her husband made the “pledge” to mom not her. This woman hasn’t had a normal day in all of her marriage. This isn’t a cry for help this needs to be a declaration of independence. This woman and her children have sacrificed almost two decades to two very selfish people her husband (their father) and his mother (their grandmother). The idea that at this point he could get angry when the subject gets raised says that there is little marriage to be retrieved. Anyone who truly needs 7/24 care for a decade either didn’t need it in the first place or has been treated in a location and with people who can truly no longer meet her needs. No to be funny, but this is “abuse by the elderly”. This is way beyond a ‘family intervention”. The brother and sister-in-law gave up having a dog in this fight a generation ago. She needs to tell her husband “mom goes” or, “I go.” I doubt that romance in this relationship could be rekindled with a blow torch and the lost childhood of the sons can never be redeemed. Too often the pledge of “no nursing home” becomes the “curse” of family normalcy.