My dad's dying, and Mom is ignoring it.

I lost my husband of 56 years almost 3 years ago and I'm still crying daily. I have tried to get involved in social settings where I can meet new people but most of the time I feel like the proverbial fifth wheel in a room full of couples. Old songs, old places, photo albums all bring on the tears. I've even moved to a senior apartment complex for more social activities with people my age but that only keeps me occupied for a short while, then I'm back to crying. I don't feel sorry for myself, I just miss the old guy (he died from Alzheimer's) and can't get over it. Now what?

Please be patient with her I am sure she is not ignoring it. I went through the very same thing with my mom when dad was in the end stages of Ephysema. Her only way to cope was to act as if nothing was wrong. She did this even with her own infirmities which ultimately led her to having to be placed in a nursing home. The older generation many grew up that way. Hide your feelings by pretending that somehow everything is the same.

I agree that concern for one's parent and how they are handling their spouse's chronic or terminal illness may reflect the adult child's difficulties in dealing with the situation for themself. I would also suggest that the well parent could be told about the Well Spouse Association, http://wellspouse.org a peer support group for husbands, wives or partners of spouses with chronic illness and or disability. There they will find they are not alone, in their willingness (or unwillingness) to deal with the difficult situation they find themselves in.

Though my grandparents had all their end of life care and expenses planned, when my grandfather started going down hill my grandmother seemed very distant and unconcerned, cold even. She still went golfing with her sister in law, still did the same things every day, and to us it seemed selfish and uncaring. But, what it really was, was fright. She simply couldn't deal with seeing her life partner like that, she couldn't stand to think about what was going to happen after he was gone. He'd done all the business and taken complete care of her their whole marriage, since she was 17, so the thought of being on her own terrified her. And seeing her once strong, funny, independent, active husband wasting away was something she couldn't handle, so, she did the things she always did, to try to pretend that everything was okay, that nothing would change. She avoided all those things because if she didn't, she wouldn't have been able to cope at all. On the outside she seemed unconcerned, but on the inside she was losing it. We just didn't see it for what it was. Your mother may be feeling much the same way. Perhaps she's not really ignoring it, but trying to avoid it so that she doesn't shatter into pieces. Do all the things you can do on your own, try talking to your father bit by bit about what he wants, what will need to be done and how. Your mother may never be able to deal with anything related to your father's death, but things will get done, decisions made, etc eventually. At the time, I was angry with my grandmother, my grandfather had treated her like a queen and she didn't seem to care, but really, that was the problem, she was lost and scared to death. It's only now, 12 years later that she's opened up about what was going on inside of her at the time. Try not to be angry with her complete denial, it's almost certainly fear that's causing it, and frankly, who can blame her? While losing a parent is incredibly difficult, losing the person you've loved, relied on and spent most of your life intertwined with is something completely different.

My mother reacted much the same way. Unfortunately, it was due to dementia. My father had covered for her so well, that we were not aware of her condition, until he became ill. Please pay close attention to her...in the early stages it is hard for an untrained family member to detect. Thank goodness for those wonderful people from Hospice who alerted us to Mom's condition.