I don’t want my fiancé to stay with my parents over the holidays.

Ms. O'Dell has a wonderful mindset on this situation. I just wanted to interject some ideas from the "other side of the fence". I am a Mom, I am also in a wheelchair. I have a son who has a fiancee that is currently 3 months pregnant. My husband & I both have always had two sets of parents in my having his parents as a second set & he having mine as a second set of parents. That may seem strange as everyone seems to think that in-laws are supposed to be "evil". I have never understood the mother-in-law jokes etc. Back to why I am writing you something, my son's fiancee was told that she was going to be killed along with her bastard child by her own mother. This caused her, my son's fiancee, to obtain a protection from abuse order from the courts against her mother. Now, due to the fact that she is not the owner of the home her mother is living in this left us with no other option but to allow her to come live with us. This meant she had to cope with my disabilities, my caregiver who comes 8 hours a day & Parents who truly care about her well-being. Unfortunately, we are currently living in a very small environment. This was fine for 3 of us but is not going to work out well with 4 and one on the way. My house is always in a state of clutter but not dirty. I have problems with incontinence that I didn't want her to know about but it is kind of hard to hide everything dealing with my disabilities from someone living in my home. She has adapted well and is happy here, but I am sure will be much happier when we find a larger home. All things considered, If this gentleman loves you he will be fine with your folks. You are a product of both of them and seeing where you come from is as important as you seeing where he came from. Trust me on this, it might take you time whether it be out of fear, shame or just embarrassment but it will all be fine. Follow Ms. O'Dell's advice as it seems sound and like a fairly simple way to help everyone involved. You are in my prayers.

Yes, you should stay in a hotel. Our unadulterated initial judgment is often the direction we need to go. However, and it is not clear from the little that has been described, if your parents are responsive to making you and your fiancé feel welcome. They may be willing to clean up or at least agree to have you clean up a little; so the mess and smell is not so severe. An example...Up until dementia struck, my father was fastidious about his bathing and grooming and then he stopped bathing. However, when I told him I'd like him to clean up because we were going to see an attorney who would help us make sense of his affairs; so he wouldn't have to worry so much about the details. (It had been five months since he had showered.) Surprisingly, he said, "For you, I will." He did not realize how dirty he looked or how much he smelled. (I approached this kindly.) Stay in a hotel. Enjoy some time with your fiancé and sightseeing (in the place where you were raised?). See how it goes with your parents and how your fiancé reacts. Then maybe your and your parents will have an opportunity to discuss options for your next visit. Keep us posted how it goes. We'll all benefit!

i agree, great advice. besides, everyone has these embarassing family members. they don't reflect badly on you, if you feel okay about you. congratulations on the fiance and it's never too late to retrain the parents in what they expect of you.

Great advice. Now that the writer is an adult in a romantic relationship, it's the perfect time to establish new bonds and boundaries as a couple. It's OK to stay at the motel, do the town, enjoy adult activities without being all tied up in everyone else's business. Congrats to the couple who recognizes the need for their own lives.