Everyone’s in denial that our mother is dying -- including her!

Dear The Practica­l Expert, Your last line says it all for me. "It is your Mom's life and her decisions are the only ones that count." Thank you, that snapped me out of feeling sorry for myself.

This article helps me feel not quite so alone. Our family is facing a similar situation with our Mom. She suffers from Scleraderma and is in the final stages. For those who don't know about scleraderma it is an auto immune disease that usually begins by attacking the skin & exterior parts of the body. She has lost fingers, toes, & 1/2 of one foot due to gangrene. It also attacks the internal organs. She had a massive heart attack in 2008. The other organs are also affected now. There is no cure.We do not know how long she has left. Her Dr says she could go anytime and that her heart will give out. Both Mom & Dad are in denial right now, at least with my 2 sisters & I. We had a brother who died in a drowning accident in 2000 @ age 39. I thought I could handle this but I am having a rough time. Writing this is now making me feel very anxious, almost panicky. I have a wonderful husband & son to help me deal with this. A big issue is that I also have been diagnosed with an auto immune disease also.(So does my Dad. He has Parkinsons) I was diagnosed with Lupus Oct 2009. So I am afraid of what is ahead of me. I try not to dwell on that. Prayer helps and my faith has actually gotten stronger since the Lupus diagnosis. I am having a really hard time coming to terms with this disease. I have had several really bad flares. I am 53 and my parents are both 73. I also have several migraines a week. My Mom had them and hers stopped with menopause so that is what I am praying for! Another thing that is so distressing to me is that I have been on prednisone for 2 years which has caused me to gain over 100 lb.This has caused all sorts of other problems. I have difficulty walking so it is difficult to get any exercise. Physio is helping. Sorry to go on & on but thank You for listening. Sue

My mother died on the 15th o December (2010). I'm still raw about the progression of her treatment. She was 95 and lived much longer than most bu I didn't and don't feel that was reason to give up on her. She had aspiration pneumonia and a living will The doctors all said that because she likely would never be able to swallow again, the only treatment was a feeding tube. Mother never wnted that and I understand that...can't say I would either. But it seems the fight was abandoned too soon and she was sent home to die under hospice care. I really fel I was a co-conspirator to my mother's murder. So if your siblings have strong feelings I respect them for making it known. i gave in to the doctors, hospice and my sister and now pay theprice with guilt.

I am not sure what to say i am very sorry to hear about your mother. I am new to this site but my problem is i am 21 years old and my mother is only 40 and has copd I don't know what to do. I just need some help dealing with this now maybe we can help each other I need someone to talk to

Carol, well said. For the daughter, for you letting go and trying to change other's thinking, isn't going to happen. Enjoy and savior every minute you have with your Mom and family. As your mom's health fails, be the one ready with the info and resources needed and offer them for joint discussion when the family and your mom will are ready to listen. Be prepared to be the one who gets put in the position of doing all resource arranging too. This is a time to bring family together, not to push it apart because you think differently. Think it but you don't need to use it to seperate people - like yourself. It is your Mom's life and her decisions are the only ones that count.

Good thought - "hospice isn't about giving up, it's about giving in. Thank you for good, sensitive perspective on a difficult issue.