I think my husband is using caregiving as an excuse to distance himself from our marriage.

ROSE A

8 months ago

@RFBrownPE- Are you a writer? If not you should be! Very nice comment. I do how ever have something to add. Jobs are hard to find with good ins, so if she does move to where her husband & his mother is @ I would hope she finds a job there first. To me I believe that a lot of comunication needs to be done, is there a way you can take a week off of work to spend time with your husband alone? I personally could not put up with my husband away so long. How bad is her health? I would & have taken care of both my parents before they passed, my mother then father a year later. I always made time for my husband, get on the bus & come home for a few days 2-3x month.We also talked on the phone each morning & night. We were/are lucky to have a understanding landlord that knew we couldnt pay rent @ times due to me having to give up my jobs 2 different times to care for my parents. Tough times, but with love & God we made it thru the difficult times. Best wishes to you & GOD BLESS YOU

CA-Claire

8 months ago

In looking back over the nearly 5 years that I have been caregiving, first for my husband, then my parents, this is a very good article to pay attention to. We, as caregivers always forget that ourselves and and our partner needs to come first.

RFBrownPE

8 months ago

Ms O'Dell's last sentence is the only part of her otherwise spot on, excellent response I disagree with. She wrote: "You have to value you: You won’t cease to exist, you’ll go on, you'll create a good life, better than the one you have now." There are two things inaccurate about this statement. 1. She attempts to predict the future - which no one can do. Logically, all statements about the future must be verified as 'don't know'. 2. 'better than' is a value judgment, which also must be verified as 'don't know'. That things will be different than they are now has a very high probability. The only thing we can be certain about is that nothing in this life is certain. Whether they will be 'better' is both a value judgment and a prediction of the future; which neither you nor Ms O'Dell can know. All any of us can do is assemble our knowledge and experience of the past, which was real, assess the current state of reality, use the magnificent mind God gave us to discern and choose, then take your next step into the future. Essential to each step is an absolute and unwavering commitment to truth. If you allow your mind [conscious and unconscious] to convince you of lies, and base your choices on those lies, you will not make the best possible choice for you. The quickest way to hide from yourself is to lie to yourself about anything. Example: You wrote ". . . things went downhill." This statement can be verified as false. How do I know that, since I wasn't there? Because it is a conclusion that cannot be proved, and a characterization that you cannot know. What is probably true is that you did not LIKE some or all of what happened. That doesn't make it intrinsically 'good' or 'bad'. What happened happened. Period. Full stop. Someday you may look back and decide you actually benefited from what happened. Will that make it 'good?' No, it will only mean you decided to 'like' what happened. You can get beyond 'feeling' 'good' or 'bad' to just plain feeling. Then, you can live Life - not your evaluation of it. All your evaluations are of what happened in the past, and your fears are of what might happen in the future. While you are focused in the past or future you cannot fully live in the present. And the PRESENT is where Life is lived!! With your focus on what was and what might be you are missing the joy of the moment and ability to discern what it has for you. I realized at this point that I cannot find any indication of your purpose - for your life, for your marriage, . . . . Unless you have a clear purpose, ideally a shared purpose with your husband - jointly and individually - you have little basis on which to make decisions about this or that?, one way or another, should we or shouldn't we? How can you make high quality decisions if you don't know your purpose and hve criteria against which to evaluate alternatives? Without a purpose to direct you you have nothing. With one you will have the spark that gets you moving towards a goal. The most important news at this point is that you are asking questions. Most people think they 'know' and fail to seek assistance from any source. Good for you. This is why, when Jesus said, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven." many do not understand. Though many writers address this phrase from the standpoint of it being written in Greek, with more precise words than in English, the fact is Jesus spoke in Aramaic, not Greek. A rigorous translation back to Aramaic is "Blessed are the confused, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven." Why 'confused'? Because one who realizes they are confused and seeks information through questions is acting out of humility, not pride; and is a seeker of truth. This takes on more profound meaning when one realizes that virtually all the pain and suffering of mankind has been perpetrated by those who were absolutely certain they knew what they were doing. In seeking assistance, if you were your own Teacher or Guide wouldn't you give yourself exactly what you are going through right now as your next step? Test? Challenge? All things work together to reveal life's possibilities, whether we like it, deserve it, or want it. There is no occasion where this is not true. This is the meaning of the Cross, and the last time you were crossed. maybe you don't have a lot to change. maybe you just have a lot to get over. if you want to find your heart, notice where your money is. Every action you take reveals the stand you have taken in life. And there are no excuses. So, . . . . . what do you want? What is your purpose? What are you willing to do to achieve it? I share some of what you face, as my wife and I moved to New York from a beautiful home in England to care for my mother, 95 with Alzheimers, and enable her to stay in her home of 62 years. We have been here more than 6 years and Mom is otherwise in great health. My wife left home town, family, a self-employed career, house and garden, large circle of lifetime friends and her country to assist me in my commitment to keep Mom in her home. Writing the above has been a strong reminder to me to renew our purpose and shared commitment regularly and to review and renew the workings of my mind as we face the challenges; physical, financial, emotional, spiritual. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to do that. With Love Bob

texlas

8 months ago

Taking care of parents is the hardest thing for some people. It seems backwards somehow. If you don't do everything possible, there is this awful guilt. If you do, then you are bound to sacrifice something of your other relationships. Maybe your husband is caught in this limbo. You may feel guilt yourself, because of your resentment of your needs not being met. A friend(only child) got a divorce, because her husband felt neglected when she spent months at a time taking care of parents in another state. Their insurance, healthcare, home etc. was there and it is very difficult to change for elderly people. If you really want things to work out. Offer to make the changes that You can make. If your husband doesn't jump on that offer, then perhaps it isn't mom, but something else.

mariannew

8 months ago

You said it all when you said your Dad is "killing all of us slowly, especially himself." Please go talk with a counselor. The doctor that treated your brother during his recent hospitalization is a good place to begin. It is doubtful that you and your siblings can do anything to change your father. He has to see the need to change and be willing to take steps to change. When you accept that, you can be free. Realize that you are the only one who can change. Put some distance between yourself and your Dad. You did not say how old your siblings are, but if you are adults, move out and live your own lives. Don't ask him for anything or build your lives on relying on him. If you do, you will never be free. Let your relationship with him revolve into one of equal adults. You may need the counselor for a long time to help you see how you can stand on your own two feet. Good luck, and God Bless!

mariannew

8 months ago

Excellent comment from ODell. I agree that it's not about Mom, so communication between the 2 of you is vital if you want an answer and want to move forward. How old is Mom and what is her condition? IIs she a relatively healthy woman, now on her feet, who could expect to live another decade? Can't a sitter be hired? Does she require someone 24/7? Is a reverse mortgage a possibility so that she would have cash to remain in her home? Have you or your husband consulted an elder attorney for estate planning? Is your husband suffering from impotency or age related debility so that being a husband is a difficult role, while being "mama's baby" or "mama's caregiver" is an easier, more satisfying role? At this point in your life, what do you want? Do you want to be living this kind of life? I know this is a lot to think about, and you probably have already gone over some of these ideas. Good luck and God Bless!

Collin

over 2 years ago

I’m 21, and am 1 of 4 siblings in my family.. My parents got divorced 11 years ago and ever since I could remember, my dad has had an anger problem.. He runs a national business, he’s very hyperactive, and loves to help people especially financially.. If you met my dad, he appears to be very nice and fun to go out with but you can’t let him fool you. He would love to get a chance to help you in any way shape or form to “show off” it seems.. what he’s really doing is kind of setting a trap almost.. He has taken everyone in his personal life and bribed them with money and a job making it sound like the perfect lifestyle having lots of vacations and ect: but the thing is that he uses it against people in the future, he feels that we don’t give him what he deserves in return.. therefore he gets angry.. very angry.. it’s not just that, that makes him mad but its everything. He’s like a perfectionist and if something is not done his way, he blows up once he blows up, he screams so loud, cursing, accusing, making fun of people, threatens our jobs… he’s the most controlling person I know.. if we mention anything about him getting mad or about how he needs to deal with stress differently,, it gets worse.. Nobody wants to try and help him because, we all work for him.. My brother who is almost 20 just got out of the hospital of 5 days suffering from depression and anxiety which I believe was caused by my dad from getting yelled at all his life for everything.. Since then, my dad still yells at him and makes fun of him for his anxiety, him being a loser, not helping my dad in certain things which is the worst thing to do to someone that is suffering from depression and anxiety.. especially to your son. He’s the scariest person on the planet.. I start shaking every time he starts to call me on the phone or is on his way in to work..I think it’s a mix of like bi polar disorder, anger management, anxiety.. My grandpa suffered from depression and was a very angry man in his younger years as well.. Somebody please help me and tell me what to do.. how to approach him with help.. He’s killing all of us slowly especially himself.. He’s been the main reason why are family is growing further away from each other.. Please let me know what I have to do.. I’m begging.