Comment on I took the brunt of my dad's nastiness my whole life. Now I am his caretaker and I resent it.

Anonymous — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 16:58:59 -0000

This advise is all well and good, however--I feel trapped, emotionally and physically. Feel like they (mom and dad) kept me in a prison-like environment when I was young and now my husband and I have my 95 yr old mom here--back in prison again. She can no longer hear nor see much---I'm at my wits end.

Comment on My mom is so needy -- I feel like a bad daughter because I can't be there 24/7.

DONM — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 16:42:26 -0000

I'm in a similar situation in that my mom is single, and I'm an only child who lives a few states away. My mother has narcissitic personality disorder, and it has affected my childhood and continues to affect my adult life. There came a point when I realized that everything I was trying to do for her to make her happy was in vain. She'll never be happy, and it's not my responsibility to make her happy. I've learned to set healthy boundaries and take back control of my life and most importantly, not feel guilty for that. I disagree with the author of the article. You are not responsible for your mother's happiness, therefore it is not your responsibility to see to it that she can get along in this world; she's a functioning adult who should be able to do this on her own. It's one thing to offer her help if she's willing to take it and there are positive changes to be made, however in cases like this where an adult daughter is made to feel responsible for her mother's happiness and is expected to put her mother's life before her own, you will only be faced with a life of more guilt and manipulation. You won't be doing yourself or your mother any good. I found the book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers " by Dr. Karyl McBride to be very eye opening. Even if your mother doesn't have a full blown personality disorder, this book might be helpful to you to better understand how you can free yourself from your mother's guilt and manipulation.

Comment on I can't seem to get over the grief and shock of finding out my husband has Alzheimer's.

Wyo - Leah — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 16:22:54 -0000

For anyone who is facing the shock of a diagnosis of early-onset Alzheimers disease (AD) -- I found these actions to be extremely helpful to combat the overwhelming pain and grief of the diagnosis of any deadly disease or condition: 1. I threw myself into research about dementia, not just AD, as for 4 years my husband Mike's diagnosis was "Dementia of an unknown type." Last May 2011, his Mayo doctors changed the diagnosis to "70% AD, 30% fronto-temporal dementia." By looking at the many different dementias, it made it easier for me to understand some of his behaviors, as the dementia diagnosis so often is dependent on the parts of the brain that appear affected. Limiting my research to only AD would have made some of Mike's actions more upsetting and confusing. Combined with this, I follow news about memory loss as well as AD. If a new treatment seems promising and logical, I check with his neurologist and with Mike and then try it if both agree. I don't know if any of these vitamins, minerals, foods, and/or exercise programs have really helped, but he became ill at age 48, 5 years ago, and is still able to stay at home by himself while I'm at work and his doctors are impressed with his abilities. The research and active involvement in his treatment gives me a purpose and a feeling, true or not, that I am helping -- and not helpless. 2. It took me three years before I finally sought counseling. I only saw her -- a wonderful person who was trained in grief counseling -- for a few months, but she helped me to work through the anger and grief of losing my husband of 30 years as well as my life and our hopes and dreams. It was also very helpful to vent my frustrations and learn to cope with my guilt over getting frustrated with Mike. 3. This suggestion is one I advise, but have never followed. NOW, while the disease is in its earlier stages, create a support group around you. Friends, family, church, etc. I have seen others in the same type of situation find an enormous amount of help -- spiritual, emotional, and physical -- through their church. I have seen friends and family members leave us as they are uncomfortable with Mike's illness. But finding the right church (synagogue, prayer group, etc.) can be one of the most important things you do right now as part of your planning for the future. The "brand" of faith may not be as important as finding a group that actively provides help and support for their members in need. Keep looking for help and answers -- I had heard the same advice I've included over and over again and ignored it, but there will come a time when some suggestion will resonate with you and provide solace or help when you most need it. Best wishes to you and your husband -- Leah Noonan

Comment on My cousin refuses to believe that his mother is facing worse problems than just "old age."

Carla Ruiz — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 13:20:18 -0000

Usually I do not discover post on blogs, but I desire to say that this write-up very compelled me to check out and get it done! Your writing taste continues to be surprised me. Thanks, very great post.

Comment on I can't seem to get over the grief and shock of finding out my husband has Alzheimer's.

Caring Community — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 00:47:11 -0000

Thank you for sharing about your experience RWFoster. Here's a link to the other Caring.com article you referenced (which does not endorse any particular water product): http://www.caring.com/articles/5-best-reasons-to-drink-water

Comment on I can't seem to get over the grief and shock of finding out my husband has Alzheimer's.

RWFoster — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 00:24:02 -0000

This is just some information that I know is helpful. Dr. Reardon I saw your article on drinking water and it's importance to the body. Hydration is so important yet I have found that I was not getting the best hydration until I started drinking micro-clustored (smaller) Kangen Water. My energy level, brain fog, blood pressure and weight all improved. I read the blog of the woman whose husband was diagnosed with Alzheimers. I believe because of how effectively Kangen water hydrates to the cellular level. It may help. I have heard and witnessed many a miracle one might say due to the changing of water from the bottled or tap to this hexagonal water. It's uttlerly amazing...Well this is a passion of mine to share this with people. It is costly I admit however my and my family's health was worth the sacrifice. check out www.freshflowsystems.com and feel free to email. change your water change your health

Comment on My dad is in assisted living, and my mom feels so guilty that she's upset all the time.

Anonymous — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 17:26:20 -0000

Can your mom move in with your dad?

Comment on My cousin refuses to believe that his mother is facing worse problems than just "old age."

robb4265 — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 00:29:46 -0000

Hi I've been a memeber of another discussion since 08. My mom past last july. And about 3 weeks ago I was put in the position of careing for my mother in law who suffers demitia arthiritus and so on. My father in law has been her primary care taker up to this point. She came to me because he was put into the hospital with a spinal infection then rehab and so on. Since they have been with us I have been takeing care of them which means taking my mother in law to see her doctor only to find out that he has not been giving her meds she has not had regular checkups blood work or any thing. when the doctor ask him why he did this he said that he did not see that she needed it and it cost to much. He claims to not know about medicare part d ect..... Now for the worst. My husband (my father in laws only child) is out of town working. The doctor wants me to let him call in higher authorities. They are now in our home. I have taken over all of my mom in laws meds. But he is no better off than she is . He can't hardly even make out his own meds and when the doctor ask him about them he did not know what sevral were even for. He does not belive that they need any help what so ever and I don't know what to do. I'm so stressed over all of it that I'm making myself sick. Any advice what so ever? The doctors office want my husband and myself to get a medical power of attorney over both of them. Mom in law will do it Dad???????? probably not without a big fight and worse.

Comment on How do I physically and emotionally disentangle myself from my mother?

troemer — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 20:51:29 -0000

Do you have any suggestions or good recommendations on getting a health assessment for a parent? How does the assessment process work? How do you get started?

Comment on I'm Mom's primary caregiver, but I have to justify every penny I spend on her to my siblings

kjhensel — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 23:05:46 -0000

hello tell your siblings that you are making vacation plans for yourself and you want to know who will be attending your mother full time in your absence then make a detailed list of her needs and suggestions how to perform this in the most efficient way. i will be taking care of my best friends mother next week while she is gone on vacation and being a nurse i anticipate it to be a tough job. good luck

Comment on How do I physically and emotionally disentangle myself from my mother?

FrancesC — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 21:43:04 -0000

My heart goes out to everyone who is a caregiver. Sadly many of us have regrets about things we've done in the past, but we all need to keep in mind that we did or attempted to do what we thought was best at the time. Try not to second-guess yourselves now that your loved one is gone. Dwell not on the bitter and sad memories but on the happy and pleasant ones. That in itself will help you to find peace within yourself. Hugs to all the caregivers out there - new, seasoned, and former. Frances

Comment on How do I physically and emotionally disentangle myself from my mother?

sad and broken — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 21:08:08 -0000

I comment your responses. I wish I could of done more for my parents. Now they are gone for ever. Mom was the strong one who took care of everyone. I didn't have the insight to go beond just a weekly visit. But I was there with Dad while Mom was in the hospital where she passed away while I went home for the night. Now I find myself feeling lonely, I guess just like my parents did. I do receive phone calls/emails from my two adult children, who are now getting close to 50 yrs. old. They above anyone else should know better, they are very well educated with master degree is a teacher and a banker, married to a doc and a surgical nurse. Never asked how their father is doing,who has alzheimers, diabetes and a mental disease. My husband has always been sick and sick while my parents were still living. I remember after my mother passed away, in 1997, I would cry and all my daughter would say, "is knock it off". With the help of their grandparents financial help and mine financial help they just don't give back. If I could of far seen into the future they would of both worked to get their college degrees. They give me no advice or any emotional support OR any financial help. I am just left with the local agencies and very grateful for their support and Adult Day Care. My daughter only lives 2 miles away and my son lives 3 hrs away but he could come if he wanted to. He comes for everything else

Comment on How do I physically and emotionally disentangle myself from my mother?

Anonymous — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 10:23:58 -0000

I became so angry with my mother she was angry n agossip she spread vicious lies I stopped speaking to her @ age 80 I wished I would of tried harder to communication with her n spend time nothing matters but being with the parent who took care of us when we couldn't. She never said she was perfect. She died @ 81 wish I had more time.

Comment on How do I physically and emotionally disentangle myself from my mother?

anna maynard — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 03:19:56 -0000

I took care of my Mother from 1999 until she passed away Easter Sunday 2008. I now look back at the things I tried to make her do for herself, thinking that was the best for her--to keep her moving and it breaks my heart that I was so heartless and selfish. I wish I could take back the times that I made her walk to the car to go to her doctor's appointment I wish I could pick her up and carry her, she carried me for many years. She gave me life and cared for me until I left home. The least I could do for her was to care for her as best I could. I wish I could hold her one more time and tell her that I love her and that nothing in the world mattered except her. Any friendship or relationship that is lost because of caring for a Mother or Daddy was not much of a relationship to start with. this lady is in her mid-eighties--she can't have too many years left. life goes on, but she will never be there for another birthday, Mother's Day, or Christmas so cherish each day with her and take care of yourself , you will never regret it.

Comment on My cousin refuses to believe that his mother is facing worse problems than just "old age."

Carla Ruiz — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 17:57:40 -0000

Most important is give time to your auntie even though she`s getting older enough. You must give a special care to her.. I think it`s great you must joined the caregiver and get some good advice to care the old enough women or men.. http://carpet-cleaning-heidelberg.wherelocal.com.au/

Comment on I'm Mom's primary caregiver, but I have to justify every penny I spend on her to my siblings

Primary caregiver — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 18:17:24 -0000

Comment on My dad talks about dying all the time -- and it's not good for him or me!

Anonymous — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 11:57:39 -0000

my dad is similar. he's nearly 64 but had to retire a few years ago due to lack of work (hes a bricky). ever since he's had a mild stroke (which he talks about everyday like it was severe) and a heart attack that was so mild it was only just picked up by whatever tests the doctors did. every single day i ask him if hes ok and he says no and then he goes and reels a list of what is wrong with him, however, whenever he goes to the docs or the hosp they never find anything wrong with him. on top of that he never leaves the house other than to get his morning papers or the occasional trip to the shops, so its not like he does anything else that he could talk about. he just sits n stews on his 'ailments'. ive tried getting him into hobbies but he doesnt want to know, it's as if he enjoys living his life this way. i've tried telling him that him talking like that upsets me as i'm only 24, i dont want to have to think about a life without him around, that doesn't work either. im at my wits end now and it is really getting me down as selfish as that sounds. any ideas?!

Comment on My dad talks about dying all the time -- and it's not good for him or me!

Anonymous — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 11:56:58 -0000

Comment on My cousin refuses to believe that his mother is facing worse problems than just "old age."

JamesWonderland — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 01:19:32 -0000

Correct Kersey, We know that it`s not an easy task to handle and care with Aunt 70`s older. A man or women is getting older like 70+ age, I been notice of my Lola everyday her Attitude back to 10+ age. The way she talk and always sad or crying if someone doesn`t care and give time her. thanks for sharing we know that need some support of your auntie.. GOD BLESS http://cleaning-services-brunswick.wherelocal.com.au/

Comment on I'm Mom's primary caregiver, but I have to justify every penny I spend on her to my siblings

Pearlymae — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 23:13:12 -0000

I think that's a good idea to have everyone contribute, so the parent can have a better quality of life

Comment on I'm Mom's primary caregiver, but I have to justify every penny I spend on her to my siblings

Pearlymae — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 23:07:23 -0000

I'm trying to maqke changes in 2012, I know if I keep doing the same old things, and expecting different results, that's insanity. So I'm trying to stop the siblings from abusing me with the care of mom.

Comment on My cousin refuses to believe that his mother is facing worse problems than just "old age."

Anonymous — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 00:44:57 -0000

As i read this very interesting article, Your Aunt is getting older she did not remember for a few minutes.. My Grandmother at the age of 78 she can`t remember what are the name of their relatives. I think if we old enough we lack of memories. Well thanks for sharing your thoughts! i hope you have more story`s to come and many people read it.. Keep it up! Here`s my Link: http://plumberfrankston.net.au/

Comment on My cousin refuses to believe that his mother is facing worse problems than just "old age."

MLKersey — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 16:10:30 -0000

I find myself in a similar situation. It's aggravating to be the one who sees it all and not have support that your family should give. The answer to this article helped me, too, even though I've been dealing with this for over a year. Please do continue making a life for yourself. And most importantly, join a caregiver forum. All this time I've been kind of muddling along and just joined one. What a lifesaver! God bless you for caring for your aunt. It's not an easy task but with some research and support online, this is possible.

Comment on I'm Mom's primary caregiver, but I have to justify every penny I spend on her to my siblings

alima — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 04:52:21 -0000

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE HOW YOUR SIBLINGS CAN GIVE YOU ADVICE AND THEY ALWAYS SEEM TO KNOW THE BEST WAY TO DO THINGS . AND THEY ARE SO QUICK TO CRITICIZE HOW YOU ARE DOING THINGS YOU SHOULD DO THIS OR THAT ----BUT ISN'T IT FUNNY WHEN EVER YOU TURN AROUND THEY ARE NO WHERE TO BE FOUND. DO YOURSELF A HUGE FAVOR GET YOUR MOM'S P.O.A. AND MAKE SURE YOU REGISTER IT . GREED CAN BE AN UGLY THING AND YOU DO NOT WANT TO END UP IN COURT WITH YOUR SIBLINGS OR WORSE . MY PRAYERS ARE WITH EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU WHO AS I HAVE CHOSEN TO CARE FOR YOUR LOVED ONE . NO ONE TRULY REALIZES THE SACRIFICES WE MAKE EACH AND EVERY DAY.

Comment on I'm Mom's primary caregiver, but I have to justify every penny I spend on her to my siblings

Opus — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 19:39:31 -0000

Anonymous from 4 days ago, you are never going to keep peace in the family on these matters. And if you think that the other siblings are keeping track of the time they spend, it is not going to happen. I get no money for caring for my mother and never have, I gave up a very lucrative company. And people unless they are participating should not be allowed to have input in anything unless asked. Because when that parent dies, their will be fighting even if you try to [keep the peace]

Comment on I'm Mom's primary caregiver, but I have to justify every penny I spend on her to my siblings

Opus — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 19:32:40 -0000

I too have taken care of my parents since 1997 and my mother after dad's passing in 2005. I have 7 siblings who all have their own strategy on what I should be doing and what I should be spending. I say, " NO, I am not going to account to you any of what I am doing with mother or her money. If when she passes they would like to come after me, Great!!' I have received no help from them, not a single," let me give you a break". I sent them all what it would cost to have my mother looked after by outside help, i received not one response. Because no one wants to know the truth of the matter. You have to do what you know is right, and say your prayers. God Bless you, you are not Alone.

Comment on I'm Mom's primary caregiver, but I have to justify every penny I spend on her to my siblings

suseli — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 15:13:40 -0000

Sounds like to me they want control with none of the responsibility. I am my father's caregiver and I also handle all the money. I use the debit card for just about every expenditure relating to my dad's care so that I have a receipt and it shows up on the bank statement. Until those siblings walk a mile in your shoes, I would say they have no grounds for complaint, even if you are spending a bit more on some aspect of care. My sister wanted me to switch Dad's meds to a mail order service to "save money." When I sat down and did the actual math, the savings weren't worth the trouble. Plus, the pharmacist has been handling Dad's meds for years and he has proven to be enormously helpful in answering questions and handling the insurance, etc. -- something that a mail-order service does not make readily available. Good luck in dealing with your situation; sounds like you need it.

Comment on My dad is in assisted living, and my mom feels so guilty that she's upset all the time.

ellekasey — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 15:34:30 -0000

My grandmother came to live with us in the early stages of dementia. She then rapidly declined and over the next five years developed far greater needs than our family was equipped to meet. Everyone contributed to her care, but it meant there was little respite for anyone. We were all depressed and on edge but could not see it at the time. Her progressive dementia made her lash out at us, often believing and repeating painful untruths. Throughout this time she refused medical care and outside family members failed to support our periodic requests that we reassess her situation. Everyone was trapped. I now understand that in addition to memory loss, delusions, changes in behavior and mood, and increasing physical challenges. My grandmother's view of the world was draped in fear of the unknown. Everything was a potential danger to her. I believe she lived in terror. The condition she had is probably genetic and others in our family are at various stages of progression in the disease. I am profoundly grateful that the family is now more open to medical care and in-patient medical support for my family members. The difference is NIGHT and DAY. An aunt who has gone the in-patient route is not heavily medicated, but she is calm, clean, engaged in her community, and her basic and medical needs are met by trained professionals who DO get to step away. Finally, I hope your mom understands that she still has a very critical role. She is an emotional and physical connection that everyone needs throughout care. I have read that Alzheimer's patients often "just wish to be touched" in a compassionate way. I think that is the case for many with dementia and other conditions that change the way they interact with others. Your family also plays a critical role in ensuring that the care she receives is consistent, compassionate, and responsive to his evolving needs. These are all new roles your mother and family play in helping your father.

Comment on I'm Mom's primary caregiver, but I have to justify every penny I spend on her to my siblings

Anonymous — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 03:13:03 -0000

I think for the sake of keeping peace in the family all caregivers should verify what they are spending money on when caring for a parent or relative. Each person may even want to keep track of how much time they spend with the person and leave notes about what is going on if anything unusual has come up. I like the idea of having a bank account that all children contribute to when the person does not have the money on their own. I do not feel that children should expect to be paid for caring for their parent, however some compensation for gas and mileage might be in order if it is more than once a week.

Comment on My mother has become paranoid, and it's really causing problems!

jannetonay — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 12:25:37 -0000

magical spells really work!! I never thought there were still honest, genuine, trustworthy and very powerful spell casters until i met the spiritual helper, MERUJA OWO. last week he did a love spell for me and it worked effectively and now he just casted another healing spell for my friend who has fibroid and family problem and now she is totally free and she is presently the happiest person on earth, she keeps thanking me all day.. I just thought it would be good to tell the whole world about his good work and how genuine he is, i wasn't thinking i could get any help because of my past experiences with other fake casters who could not bring my husband back to me and they all promised heaven and earth and all they are able to do is ask for more money all the time until i met with this man. he does all spells, Love spells, money spells, lottery spells e.t.c i wish i can save every one who is in those casters trap right now because i went though hell thinking and hoping they could help me.i recommend MERUJA OWO for any kind of help you want. his email address is: nativedoctor101@live.com if you want to ask me anything my e-mail is: jannet_madeson@yahoo.com Kind Regards,

Comment on I'm torn between caring for my partner's parents and getting ready for my own new baby.

jmsarxt — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 14:08:26 -0000

Solunds like this person is being "Dumped" on, that is unless she feels like the world can do without her! What about the "partner" or the real family. Now seems like a good time to end some of this responsibility, that is if this person really wants. How could the family let some one not even biologically related take all the responsibility?

Comment on Caring for my mother-in-law has taken over our lives and home!

Anonymous — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 03:14:57 -0000

I'm 66, and feel like our lives are controlled by parents; mine and his. We moved to a small town nearly ten years ago, and within a year we had my mom and both his parents in assisted living near us. I must admit, we invited them. But, based on stats, I was expecting a three to five year commitment---max. Now it's feeling like a life sentence. His mom has passed on, but the other two could go on for years. Like some of the other posts, we are their sole social existence. Unfortunately, even the good residences don't offer anywhere near the socialization they promise. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. Or for that matter, no end, and the not so subtle guilt trps are driving me nuts. The only way we can escape is to literally leave the state. Have tried local orgs who have volunteers for companion assistance--someone who would come by and read to them (both blind and hard of hearing) or take the fil for walks or drives or just show an interest. unfortunately, could get it if the parents were destitute; they aren't. It's not that we aren't willing to pay (within reason) it's that I want someone who actually wants be with them and will enjoy it, not just a job. Any ideas.on how to find a reputable resource?

Comment on I'm wracked with guilt for enjoying life again now that my husband is in a care home.

Gas Doc — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 20:10:42 -0000

that its OK to keep having a life of your own, without guilt feelings. I'm not all there as yet but getting close.

Comment on I'm wracked with guilt for enjoying life again now that my husband is in a care home.

tomagirl — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 16:10:51 -0000

this was very helpful because these are some of my feelings.my husband has only been in a care home for 2 months and it been very hard accepting that I did the right thing for both of us.

Comment on Dad's in hospice and I'm afraid this is our last Christmas together -- but my brother isn't even planning to come into town!

cornell5877 — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 22:40:10 -0000

The same thing happened to me with my family. You can only control your own actions, not your brother's. Let it go. It is not your battle. I became so hurt and resentful from this same situation that it has affected my health and so many other aspects of my life. If your brother doesn't want to face his father's death, that is a sign of his maturity level. It will catch up to him, at his own pace. Just cherish every minute you have with your father and leave your brother to his own path.

Comment on Mom is jealous of Dad's care aide!

Gerry H — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 01:41:38 -0000

I am impressed with your reply Whoever You Are and I am sure that if your advice is taken and acted on it will given time resolve the situation. Family involvement is an important element. As for Stan's reply, I think he has hit the nail on the head. Some family caregivers will see the professional as a relief from care-giving and give them more time for other things but also view the professional as an intruder. I have a family member who requires 24/7 care-giving and I have been in the situation that Stan has outlined. Fortunately we have wonderful professional caregivers that allows the family respite but who also work in well with the professionals. This has resulted in steady and sometimes remarkable improvement in our family member's recovery. As much as possible we have treated these caregivers as friends and as family members. This has helped them and us cope with the situation and move ahead.

Comment on Dad's in hospice and I'm afraid this is our last Christmas together -- but my brother isn't even planning to come into town!

KSM — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 01:13:05 -0000

Nice piece; wise counsel. I went through this, though my mother's death was mid-December. My distant, disengaged brother kept his distance while I kept bedside vigil. It's true that folks are on their own timetables with death, dying and loss, and it's true that the relationships continue, at some level, after a loved one's passing. In my faith, we believe that a soul has opportunity for growth and development after life on earth. Imagining that progress for each of my parents has allowed my relationship with them to change for the better. And allowed me to let go of past hurts. Thanks, Carol.

Comment on I know Dad's just sitting at his care facility all day, feeling miserable -- and the guilt is eating me alive.

Anonymous — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 18:51:36 -0000

Hi there! Pls. do NOT feel guilty about the position you are in. Your father is unable at this point to live alone and if you brought him into your home believe me the "Stress" will escalate. I myself am a Healthcare Aide. I left my employment due to the fact that my FIL had a front lobal bleed and they gave him 18hrs. Talk abt. a blow to the family. This happened on Dec.20/06. The Physician said that if he didn't come and live with us (because of my qualifications) he would then have to put him in a Nursing Home. Might I add that this Jan. will be 5yrs. that I have been caring for him. He proved the Dr's wrong. The first yr. being the worst and from there he started to improve. Now my point, if your "dad" were to live with you and you did things for him that others' wouldnt' he will come to depend on you more than anything you know. He may seem miserable and not cared for in the "Home" however I would tend to believe that if you are there at all of his mealtimes' he wouldn't eat just to show you he is being mistreated. While your not being there I would have to say that he cleans' his plate. My FIL will think of so many things just to run for him. He is a real sweetheart, dont' get me wrong but he will scheme even when Homecare comes in twice a wk. He receives' a total of 5hrs. per wk. for them to do his hair on Tuesdays' and a complete bath on Friday. He will say his nose is running, "this is cruel to an old man" to make him do this". He will complain abt. Homecare, she was rough with him etc. He wont' say this while she is here and I know the care she gives' him so I dont' pay that much attention to the complaints. It is help for myself and if I want to go out, I do. If not I will get a good book to read and head for the bedroom. Believe me when I say "they become so dependent on you, he knows this but he also knows that if he pursue's the matter you will bend. You are already doing things for him, taking him out, you caring for him. It never hurts' to ask the Nursing Home how he is coping in this home. Remember when ppl. get older their muscles tend to weaken, their skin becomes weak as well. Drooping eyelids etc. When an elderly person gets'' older they dont' want to eat a large meal, its like they revert to childhood, I'm sure you can relate to this having children of your own. The only real thing that you can do is visit him which you do. Pls. remember that you yourself have children and a hubby and you only have one body, two hands. Remember to take care of you or else you will be taking pills just so you can cope. If you have questions regarding your fathers' care ASK!! They are more than willing to help you out and replying back to you. Pls. dont' make yourself ill with worry. You are doing everything that you feel he needs so dont' be so hard on yourself. When you visit speak of the old times' they seem to have short term memory however, long term memories stay with them which is a great way of conversing with him. If he asks' you abt.. moving in with you let him know under circumstances' and the bthrm, he may not make it there. I myself have gone and bought him under garments just in case of any wetting in the night. We have a comode in his room so he need not have to go to far. Another item that he could possibly use if he doesn't already is a Walker to assist him. You are a wonderful person, caring, loving and kind. Always remember this. Make it a point that you only visit on certain days and be sure to let him know this.He wont' remember what you told him so perhaps let the nursing home know so that they can refresh his memory. When visiting him pls. do not remove items where he has a special spot for.. They do this because they want you to think that they are in control as well as the fact that if you do this they themselves will not remember themselves.Just remember on an end note that you ar a wonderful person, make time for the family you have at home. They might not remember each day as well, just put a sticky note on the fridge or somewhere where they can see them. Again, your family as well needs quality time spent with youl You are a wonderful person, keep in mind that your fathers' appetite is bound to change. It sounds' as though he hasn't been there long. Take him to the Community Room so that he can meet others' and speak with them, this should cheer him up. I have to say it again, you are running yourself ragged, pls. reconsider. Just make sure that your father is getting his meds', which I know the nurses would not forget. Keep take time for you and YOU ALONE!! I wish you luck, happiness, to feel wholehearted, and to feel loved instead of trying to strech your time that you feel others' need. Pls. change your way of thinking. You really cant' do much more than you are now is time to cut back from where you were. I am sending you a Huge hug and a "Prayer" Please make that time and take the effort to think of YOU ONLY!!

Comment on Mom is jealous of Dad's care aide!

Stan Goldberg — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 13:28:02 -0000

Since most of my hospice volunteering occurs in homes, I've run into this problem--not that often over the past 8 years, but enough so that I'm always vigilant about it. The suggestions in the article are all valuable. But I think they are the second step in addressing the problem. Home caregivers have given up a significant number of their needs to care for their loved one. Sometimes it's substantial, others times minimal. Regardless of what has been lost or the amount, it still constitutes something "missing" in their lives. While the family caregiver may view the professional caregiver who comes into the home as the means for regaining a loss (e.g., more time to spend with friends) they sometimes are viewed as an intruder who is changing a relationship the family caregiver has with her loved one. While all of the practical suggestions in the article are wonderful--and I've used them myself--I think it's important to first understand what may be the losses a family caregiver has suffered, and what is still left in the relationship with her loved one that's important. Since my role is to serve both my patient and his family members, I try to provide relief to the family in order for them to regain a little of what they lost, and not to jeopardize what is positive in the caring relationship they have with her loved one. Since there is so much that is stressful and difficult for family caregivers, it's important to preserve and jeopardize what's positive. Sometimes logic and words aren't enough to reduce jealousy--but actions that preserve the positive and reduce the negative aspects of relationships may be. I address some of these concerns in an article I wrote: CAREGIVERS: WE'RE NOT MOTHER TERESA http://stangoldbergwriter.com/about/cargivers-were-not-mother-teresa/

Comment on My dad is in assisted living, and my mom feels so guilty that she's upset all the time.

Liz V — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 10:06:29 -0000

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers!

Comment on Caring for my mother-in-law has taken over our lives and home!

dog's best friend — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 19:22:38 -0000

Sounds like your husband is married to his mother, not to you! If it were me, and I had the funds, I'd go live somewhere else for a while, temporarily or for good. You basically don't have a home of your own right now, so why not tell your husband that you need some time and space to yourself for X amount of time (I'd go for a couple weeks minimum, so he gets that you mean business and actually has to deal with his mother's nuttiness himself), so you're going to go stay at a hotel or friends' house or wherever. IMO, you've made it way too easy for your husband to make lite of a very abusive situation. It's time to put this mess in his lap where it belongs. You need for him to take responsibility for his choice to keep his intrusive, self-centered, mean mother in YOUR home waaaaay past her freshness date;) Hold your husband's feet to the fire, so to speak. He can't keep pretending the real problem is that he's "stuck in the middle" and that it's just your bad attitude, etc. He needs to stop being so spineless/head in the sand, step up to the plate and play ball fairly. His pretending it's all your fault is ridiculous, selfish and just plain cruel. He'd never let you demand he take care of one of your abusive parents while you ran off here and there to play, would he?! I think if you play this game kind of lite and breezy...sound calm and cheery as you say you'll be gone a couple weeks...you'll up your chances of having a real husband at your side asap. OR you'll sooner, rather than later, know he has no intention of putting you first in his life. In which case, you'll waste less of your valuable time getting more abuse from your husband and MIL and get on with your own much more fun life. Good luck!

Comment on Caring for my mother-in-law has taken over our lives and home!

jannetonay — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 15:40:43 -0000

magical spells really work!! I never thought there were still honest, genuine, trustworthy and very powerful spell casters until i met the spiritual helper, MERUJA OWO. last week he did a love spell for me and it worked effectively and now he just casted another healing spell for my friend who has fibroid and family problem and now she is totally free and she is presently the happiest person on earth, she keeps thanking me all day.. I just thought it would be good to tell the whole world about his good work and how genuine he is, i wasn't thinking i could get any help because of my past experiences with other fake casters who could not bring my husband back to me and they all promised heaven and earth and all they are able to do is ask for more money all the time until i met with this man. he does all spells, Love spells, money spells, lottery spells e.t.c i wish i can save every one who is in those casters trap right now because i went though hell thinking and hoping they could help me.i recommend MERUJA OWO for any kind of help you want. his email address is: Nativedoctor101@live.com if you want to ask me anything my e-mail is: jannet_madeson@yahoo.com Kind Regards,

Comment on I'm wracked with guilt for enjoying life again now that my husband is in a care home.

Gas Doc — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 00:50:06 -0000

The expression of guilt. Ive been strugleing for somw time,but with help from my children and friends, who know here very well, I'm geting better at handling quilt. Lonelyness ,. I feel, has a great deal to do with feeling guilt.

Comment on My sister claims I don't help our parents enough, and she's turning them against me.

jillygirl — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 10:57:01 -0000

mY BOYFRIEND gREG, TAKES CARE OF BOTH HIS AILING PARENTS, AND ALL HE GETS FROM HIS OLDER SISTER, BARB, IS CURSED, BELITTLE,,HARRASSED, AND TOLD TO THE PARENTS THAT HE IS A USED UP LOZER, AND TO KICK HIM OUT.WHAT IS HE TO DO. HIS PARENTS WONT EVEN ALLOW HIM ANY VISITORS

Comment on My dad is in assisted living, and my mom feels so guilty that she's upset all the time.

memoryofmom.com — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 14:47:09 -0000

My mother had Lewy Body and dad cared for her at home until he was diagnosed with Lymphoma. He agreed to allow us to get mom into a memory-care facility while he was treated. She would cry and ask to go home when he visited, which made things more difficult for dad. Fortunately, the facility was nearby and most of the kids and grandkids live in town. We would often go in groups, bring her a blizzard from Dairy Queen and make it a fun visit. We would take our small dogs for her to hold as well. She would have a good time, laugh, and forget about being upset. We would leave in stages so she was not suddenly alone and usually had dad leave somewhere in the middle. Dad brought mom back home when his chemo therapy was complete, but the stress was high as mothers disease progressed. She was having hallucinations, paranoia, and anger. Stress is toxic to our health and even more so when recovering from cancer. Dad's cancer returned after only nine months. The treatment was more aggressive the second time and he was very sick. He still wanted to keep her home, but he finally understood that he would die before her if he did not focus on himself. This was very hard for him since he has always been healthy and independent. Mom passed away in February 2010, but dad has remained cancer free for 18 months now. The doctors told us if he makes it another six months with no return, he has about 80% chance it will not return. Dad knows he did all that he could for mom and is not living with guilt, but he misses her every day. I write about some of our experiences at www.memoryofmom.com. There is no fee and I am not selling anything. The purpose is to encourage others who are going through what we endured.

Comment on Caring for my mother-in-law has taken over our lives and home!

TechieSidhe — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 13:00:23 -0000

"My husband cowers. We don't feel like a couple anymore and rarely get time alone." THIS. DH and I are in the same situation. MIL is at the stage she COULD live alone with regular visits and supervision and a monitoring system in case she falls. But she has gotten DH convinced that she is an invalid and NEEDS us all the time. But she can go out with her friends by herself. She does not do chores, the moment you mention chores she transforms into the sick little old lonely lady she wants DH to see her as, and goes and hides. But if five minutes later, one of her friends calls, she's up and out the door. Otherwise, she is pretty much up our butts. She does NOTHING for herself, except the self-care like bathing, feeding, and dressing that if she could not do would end her in a home per DH's words. DH also cowers. He is so afraid of mommy dying on his watch that he refuses to see what she is capable of. Everytime I talk to him about trying to get her to do chores, he gets defensive and angry. I am over her so much. I tried to speak to her doctor but every time I send him a letter, he ignores it, doesn't respond to me, but gives the letter to MIL during her appointment, so she can put on her independent act that she does with him where she tells him she does EVERYTHING around the house.

Comment on My mother has become paranoid, and it's really causing problems!

memoryofmom.com — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 15:26:56 -0000

Mayo has a good article about Lewy Body found at the following link. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/lewy-body-dementia/DS00795

Comment on My mother has become paranoid, and it's really causing problems!

memoryofmom.com — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 15:24:35 -0000

My mother had Alzheimer's and started showing signs of Parkinson's, paranoia, and vivid hallaucinations. We took her back to Mayo to better understand all the new symptoms, and she was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia. Mom thought everyone was stealing from her and thought there were people living in their home, but not paying rent. She would have conversations with dead family members and imaginary people who lived in the carpet.

Comment on Caring for my mother-in-law has taken over our lives and home!

Anonymous — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 01:33:21 -0000

I'm 49 now but helped my parents take care of Dad's mother from the age of 4. She was bed confined for a bad hip & partially by choice for sympathy-she was not a happy person. Dad worked a factory job but still came home and shared the care-he didn't run and hide. My other grandmother was also toxic and when she could no longer live alone she was told by my Mother that she would not be coming to live with us. We found a retirment home for her but she suffered another stroke in the hospital. Dad had died years earlier but he had always made sure she was made welcome in the home even though she thought Mother could have done better. Your husband needs to step up and stop being mom's little boy. Set up a list of chores for mom to do, have her contribute to rent. Wouldn't you do that should your kids move back in? It's your house - your rules. Husband and wife standing together to have a family discussion of those rules. Would your husband stay home and take care of his mother-in-law? It sounds tough and mean but who is going to help YOU through your breakdown if this continues?

Comment on Mom refuses help from home aides, but she and Dad really need assistance!

Natalienorman — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 23:03:20 -0000

As a Caregiver - my husband is in Hospice, being cared for at home. What annoys me the most is when family and friends make suggestions about something that needs doing (clean the oven, dust the chandalier) when what I really need is someone to pitch in and do it.. Keep suggestions to yourself unless you are willing to do it for them!! Natalie

Comment on My know-it-all sister will be here for ten days at Christmas, and I can already feel my stress level rising.

olderbutnotwiser — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 18:09:37 -0000

Comment on Mom refuses help from home aides, but she and Dad really need assistance!

Yang — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 06:18:35 -0000

Will Medicare pay for an aide to come in if a senior is unable to handle activities of daily living? If so,does anyone know for what length of time?Thanks for your help.

Comment on Mom refuses help from home aides, but she and Dad really need assistance!

Anonymous — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 20:09:01 -0000

As a Healthcare Aide myself many elderly have a hard time at first with someone new coming into their home. They feel they are being invaded and someone is taking over their lives. I would speak to the parents' Physician if at all possible and have him/her to call your Local Access Ctr. to go out and have a good conversation with them. She/he will explain the ins/outs' of Healthcare. There are both men and women Healthcare Aides so this may help with the problem. As for meds' having to be done twice daily perhaps get in touch with their Drugstore and ask if they can have their meds' put in a Blisterpack. This way it shows' a.m. noon.dinner.bedtime which is quite easy to use. This would help with not having to go over twice daily. The Local Access Ctr.'s (Supervisor) will go in and explain what a Healthcare Aide will do for them, both or one. As a Healthcare Aide myself I remember a number of yrs. ago where I had to go in and look after a elderly bachelor. I eased my way in, he certainly didn't think he needed help. The first few visits was just conversation, talking abt. old times, the weather what have you. He had had a Hernia operation so I knew I wouldn't be there for more than maybe 6wks. Once he got to know me and found that I wasn't there to examine everything he came to acceptance. By the end of his time he didn't want me to leave which he did actually tell my Supervisor. I was allowed to stay another month and slowly ease my way out. He was a wonderful man, very caring and just needed to know that I wasn't there to undermind him. We enjoyed conversations, I would houseclean for him, do dishes, make meals etc. This is what both sets of these parents' need. I am sending a Big Hug and I really do hope that you get the help that is so much needed. Perhaps explain to both parents' that these Healthcare Aides are just that. They want to help, they have been trained to do their job. Their time is limited while they are there so they make the most of it. If either parents' dont' feel comfortable with a Healthcare Aide that they have pls. do not hesitate to call in and say this person is not working out, this is not something that is new to the office. I now care for my FIL in my home, giving up my job to care for him. He has Healthcare still come in 2 times a wk. so that I have my own time to get out and do my running around or whatever. Once either or parent gets used to the Healthcare Aide they may find that this time gives them the opportunity to either get out or even have a nap. Perhaps even visiting with family. I honestly think they will adjust. Just explain that they are there to assist them in whatever help they need, make it sound as though they are there for your mom/dad not the other way around. Allow acquaintance time. They may go through 2,3,4 Healthcare Aides prior to finding the right one. If you find that this is happening just so they dont' come around you can then explain that they cant' keep changing. One out of four they must have had some commarade with. Keep in mind they may be elder but they are also wise. Sending hugs and will be thinking of you. Take care!!

Comment on Mom refuses help from home aides, but she and Dad really need assistance!

emmajb82 — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 14:07:40 -0000

am in a similar situation have been caring for my partners parents since february as his mother had a stroke and his dad has dementia and am at a loss at the moment as to what to do because my partner works full time and i am now 38 weeks pregnant his parents are in there 80's but his mum will not except help from anyone else apart from myself and myu partner so im doing the meals sorting out the papers the medication which i have to sort twice daily among other things shopping etc my partner sorts the money side but its so hard now as i only have about 2 weeks till i have a baby an i dont think that she understands because she rings me with any small problem like if she cant switch the telly on and expects me to go and sort it out i know she feels she can rely on me and ive tried talking to her and explaining that i cant do as much as i was a few weeks ago but she seems dissapionted and i feel so guilty i would not leave them without a meal or medication but i have other resposibilities as well and ive treid to get her to have some help but she says she can do it herself an she dosnt need any help but then is asking me for help its a really awkward situation because i do care about them any advice would be brilliant thank you so much

Comment on My mom has suddenly started pitching fits when I can't do something she wants. How do I stop this bad behavior once and for all?

Just Joking — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 21:17:07 -0000

Ummm.........

Comment on My mom just died, and I don't know how to be "normal" anymore.

soupy121 — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 16:58:13 -0000

I am new to this and saw your post. I am caregiver for my mom. I am many years older than you and struggle with the thought of losing my mom. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom at such a young age and am hoping that since you posted this a few months ago maybe you are doing a little better. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Stay stronG. Obviously you have a strong will to have been such a good caregiver for your mom.

Comment on My husband has early-onset dementia, and he's refusing to deal with it.

Anonymous — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 06:10:06 -0000

Umm....wherever I go I see the same advice. Take care of yourself. Yeh - sure. With what energy that's left? What energy? Find/accept help. Right. Been there, tried that. What help? Talk to family friends. yeh -sure. They are more in denial than he is! One blogger said words to the effect "Don't expect family and friends to be lining up at the door to help, cos they won't. More likely they will run a mile." 'Tis true. I don't even get replies to e-mails. The only question is..... who is this going to kill first? Him or me? Anyone want to bet? LOL. He's not even 60 yet .

Comment on I know Dad's just sitting at his care facility all day, feeling miserable -- and the guilt is eating me alive.

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 02:43:54 -0000

Try not to bang head against the wall!! You have to remember you are only one person with so many hands. When you visit with your dad take him to the Common Room where there are others'. Introduce him to a few or even one at a time. There is no care Facility that is going to care for him as though he were at home, sad to say. Set times' that you are going to visit, set time for your family, do not neglect yourself. This will bring on depression and thereafter being ill. Depression causes' so much ailment that we dont' realize it. Get yourself out to visit a friend, go to a gym, something once a week just for you!! When you visit your dad, hold his hand, they love to be touched. As a Healthcare Aide myself I see this so many times. Let your dad know what day you will be back. Put up a calendar and mark it for him. Make his room happy. Put up pictures' if you are allowed, Keep in mind that he has short term memory, so what you say today he may not remember tomorrow. Bring up the good ole' days. Perhaps even pictures' of those days' will help him tremendously. Worried about his weight. Take him in items of food that wont' go stale on him, put them in his drawer and tell him to help himself anytime. You can also pick up a meal for both of you during your visit with him. Something he has always enjoyed. If you feel that he is not getting the deserved care show up on days' that they dont' expect you. I dont' like to say this however, when someone is in a Facility and that Facility knows' how many times you are coming or not coming, they will tend to back off with his needs. Its' sad to say but true. Dont' give up on telling them how you feel abt. his care however be careful how you chose your words'. This could go against him when you are not visiting. This is unfortunately found while I myself was going to Facilities. If someone didn't show the patients' once bkfst, lunch and dinner were over, were placed near a window and left there. As well we have to keep in mind how much are Healthcare is failing us. Facilities dont' have the much needed employees' to help, family is not showing up, with less employees' it so very hard for them to help those who have nobody, believe me when I say "they do care" but they have a certain amt. of patients' per Nurse,P.S.W, Volunteers' and they just cant' get to others'. Be selective in speaking with the Facility. Explain what you would like to have done for your dad and ask if you are expecting to much, what more can you do since you cant' be there always. As well I would pick him up a case of Ensure, it is a real energy booster, comes in vanilla,chocolate and strawberry. This will also put weight on him. Put it in his room and tell him to have one each day, its like a Milkshake but not as tasty. I wouldn't suggest the chocolate only because of the possibility of his bowels working to quickly. Again as mentioned earlier let your dad know when you are coming, be there for your family but again, be kind to yourself. One day out of 7, I'm sure you can work in even a couple of hrs. to do something for you. You are a wonderful person, loving, caring and wanting have more than two hands but its not feasible. You have to remember "you" or you will have a "Burn Out". You dont' want to go there. Even call some of your dads' old friends and ask if they could perhaps visit with your dad. I'm sure they would be more than happy to do so and this gives' you peace of mind. You could also show up at a lunch hour and sit with him in the dining room and perhaps try and sit by another gentleman, start talking with him and get your dad involved in the conversation. They may end up "good friends" and your dad will look for him or possible 2 people that he can carry on a conversation with. My heart goes out to you, I am sending you a Huge Hug!! I do so hope that things will change with your way of worrying (no need to) he is being taken care of, Expect some weight loss because of the change in his environment and his eating habits, stay in touch with the Facility in a nice way, invite others' to visit, and set your time-table, again with yourself in that time-table. Even if its' spent in a nice long bath, reading a book in your room (alone time) and of course your family as well. Take care, Marly

Comment on I'm beyond caregiver burnout!

memoryofmom.com — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 01:46:27 -0000

DeSigns-We all have to cope in our own ways. Caregiving takes a huge toll emotionally and physically.

Comment on I'm beyond caregiver burnout!

dragon fly — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 23:07:15 -0000

I feel for you. Becauce my situation is a bit diffrent. my mom in law has late stage dementia. she cant do eany thing for here self.She needs to have her dyper changed, her body washed, and all her personal needs done for her. I just last week had to give her a baby bottle cuz she can no longer use a straw. she has to be turned every hour, and I am the only person to do this. She is on hospic in her home, and my husband and I moved in with her last year, cuz we could no longer afored the care giver we had for her for the last 4 years, the econemy hit us hard. so we have been living with her, for over a year, and im with her 24-7. because my husband has to work 2 jobs. I dont know a word strong enough to exspress how much of a drain, mentally, finacialy, and physicly caring for her these last 5 years,has been, the last year and a half has been the worse. My husband has developed high blood preasure,and lost weight. I have carpel tunnel and nerve damage in my hand, also a pinched nurve in my back. I had this condition befor I became a care giver, but the physical toll of her care is making it worse. we dont have the means to place her in a home, and she let it be known she wanted to pass in her own home.Well she no longer knows whare she is, and rarly speeks, but we are keeping up with what she wanted. I honestly dont know how much longer we can live in this preasur cooker. my husband and I feel like elaphants are siting on our chest. I know my mom in law dosent have another year, and when I am constantly told by hospic, and friends, and familey thay our job is to make her comfortable, I understand thats all that can be done for her now, but friends, and fam, are no whare to be seen not now not ever, oh sorry once a year on her birthday her sister, and brother visit. thay both live 10min away. I guese im just so so so so so mentaly and physicaly, tiard, and worried about my husbands healt, and concerned about my daughter who is gona have our first grand child in dec. my daughter also lives with us. The price we have paied in taking care of my mom in law has been higher, then we ever, ever thought it would be.

Comment on My mom is a pushover -- and my sister is taking advantage of her kind heart!

Marly26 — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 04:37:20 -0000

Try not to let your sister moving in with your mom to strongly. I am sure as you have said your mom is at her mothers' bedside 24/7. It sounds to me that she is not going to let anything/anyone get in the way of this. Perhaps if your sister see's this she will soon realize that she has come at a wrong time. This time mom doesn't have time for her and her children and she will have to move on. As well it sounds as though your sister is in a tough situation. She needs somewhere to go and where do we go "home" if only for a short time hopefully. Let things' go for a time, you can have conversations with "mom" and I am sure she will tell you exactly what I mentioned above. If it comes down to the point of your sister taking advantage then step in, but only if she needs to be told. If it gets' to hard on your "mom" if your sister is doing nothing to help as in making a mess, not cleaning up after her children etc. then tell her. Yes I can see that your mom has a soft spot but I think if things get out of hand that hard shell will come out and let your sister know that she cant' take it. She has enough on her plate, I can totally understand where you are coming from so please dont' think that I am not on your side either. You know your sister much better than anyone can give you advise on. Just sit back for time and see what she does/doesn't when it comes to your mothers' home. I'm sure that if you were in need yourself your mom would welcome you with open arms'. Has your mom set a time for your sister living there? Has she told your sister what and what not to expect from her? I would sit and have a talk with your mom, she may be at wits' end and just couldn't say "no" to your sister even though she is going through rough times' herself. If this is the case you may have to be the one "unfortunately" to tell your sister that she is being ignorant to the fact that your mom has allowed her to return home with children and all but not to be her maid or supporter. Perhaps your mom feels with someone being in her home namely family that it will give her support. Only you know what your sister is capable of, whether that be vindictive, helpful or a couch potatoe. I feel bad for you having to be the one that is the go between. It causes' harsh feelings,resentment that she is taking advantage. Just try and give your sister a chance, I'm sure by the sounds of it this has happened before and you know where your going with this. I see no jealousy in what your saying only concern for your mother. However dont' allow this to stress yourself out, stress causes' so much illness' among other things which includes anger. Whatever you do, DO NOT let her bring you down in the process. Be there for your mom in case the call for Help comes through. Your sister may find that she has come home to a completely different "mom" who has no time for her because of her own mother that being both of yours "grandmother". She may only stay for so long knowing that she doesn't have that live in babysitter, cook, laundry etc. and alternately move on her own. Keep your eyes open as well as your ears'. Hear what your mom is saying and read between the lines. Nobody knows' "mom" better than yourself. I do hope your wrong, but again if your sister sees' nobody there to bend to her wishes she may just leave possibly on a bad note however she MUST realize that your grandmother right now is the most important in your moms' life at this time. If her nose is out of joint then obviously you know that she moved in for only one thing and we both know what that is. Sending you a Hug and a Prayer! Again try not to stress yourself, upset the applecart at home with your own family. This will only result in hurtful words that are not meant and if you yourself have children, this will effect them as well in the long term. Take care and I wish you and your mom well. Be there for your mom, there is nothing worse than seeing your own mother leaving you. I lost my mom in 2004 and believe me, even though I knew that she was ill prior to, it certainly didn't change anything when she passed away. Both of my parents' are now gone and I cant' stress enough that every waking day, every bit of time spent with both of them prior to their passing just broke my heart. They weren't just "mom and dad" they were my best friends. Be there for your mom, she is going to need your full support when the time comes.

Comment on My mom is making mealtime miserable!

Anonymous — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 03:45:33 -0000

Dont' let your mom take advantage of your kind heartedness. This I did for my FIL and I later regretted it and had to back track somewhat. I would definetly talk to your mom about children being overweight. However meet with her in her room and tell her under no circumstances is she to mention child(ren) being overweight. Explain to her that your son is going through a hard time and she is emotionally harming him. As for meals, put up a board on the fridge or elsewhere as to what is for dinner tonight and everyone pitches in. If you give in to her and start a different meal for her, she will expect it always. Go over the list with her and ask her if she objects' to anything that is on the planner. If so, tell her she can make herself a sandwhich or something and take it to her room. Explain again to her that you are allowing her to have something else and you and your children all eat the same. If you start changing for her, then your children will expect the same which is unfair to you, nor is it acceptable. Bring her into planning meals as well and helping out. You are not her maid and pls. do not put yourself in that position. This is not being mean it is just setting rules. She is in your home which "yes" you offered however it doesn't give her the right to demean, complain or put anyone in your home down to a level that will later bring harm, resentfulness later in life. I would also check out Senior based clubs' where she can go and socialize, have lunch and then come home. They are actually very entertaining to seniors'. I am in Ontario, Canada but wherever you reside I am sure they have something along that line. The lunch meals are not always a "steak dinner" however this may just be the ticket for her to see that its okay to have pizza, tacos' etc. at home. With her being elderly this is not something that they are accustomed to. I have been a caregiver for the last 10yrs. working in many residential homes'. During those years' I found that if you gave in just that little bit, they expected it always. Believe me, all of my clients' I adored and felt bad for those who had no family. I myself now am unfortunately "Disabled" however I still have my FIL to care for. For the most part he is easy to care for at the age of 80. At one point though he got to be demanding not forgetting the care I had to give him during his first year with us. His life expectancy at first was 18hrs. with a front lobal bleed. The 18hrs. has now turned into 5yrs. later. So "yes" he totally relies on me. Dont' get into arguements' with your mom, bite your tongue because sometimes this is just what they are looking for :) You yourself would say "my mother" she wouldn't do that, re-think that one. You have to remember that she raised you and now its your turn to do things for her "no questions asked". As I said with the mealtimes' show your mom the agenda, if she is not happy with whats for dinner, tell her to make something for herself and take it to her room. Elderly people tend to snack throughout the day. They dont' eat big meals' however if you put her meal on a normal dinner plate it looks' bigger and will improve her eating habits. Make sure you take time out for "only you" yes you will stress yourself out. Then make it a family night out. Remember look after you, stress causes' illnesses that we are completely unaware of. Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt!! With your mom not wanting something that all of you enjoy, one night with a sandwhich, slice of cheese, pickle is not going to interrupt her weight at all. It may seem to you, "this isn't right" Yes it is, for your family, yours/their sanity. There is no demeaning comments at the table and once you have had dinner, cleaned up etc. invite mom out to watch t.v. or just spend perhaps 15-30min. with her just to let her know how much you and the the children appreciate and love her. Speak to your children about the plan as well so they are not left out and think something is very wrong. Really this gives' you and the family time alone for talking about school, their day, whats' going on with them. One or two nights out of seven is your and your childrens' time to appreciate each other and it balances' out the week. This way they know that its not all "grandma" you love them and appreciate those golden moments'. Before long they will be grown and you then can look back and say to yourself "I did it" and it was wonderful, both spending time with your family and some alone time with your mother. I will be thinking of you and hope all works' out!! Sending you a hug and a prayer. Remember "YOU" time, it is important!!

Comment on I'm thinking of leaving my spouse, who has Parkinson's.

Anonymous — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 16:24:52 -0000

If he was an sob when he was healthy, he surely will be worse as his condition worsens. I would place him in nursing home, try to get as much help from SS. even if you did not work you are entitled a social security check however small it may be. also hopefully your home is paid for . You must be proactive in ensuring the rest of your life. In my opinion you have one person to worry about and that is YOU. He obviously did not give a hoot about you for years. Let them handle him in a nursing home. Guilt is something you should be least worried about. He is the one that will have all the time in the world as he sits in his wheelchair and can't abuse you anymore except with his mouth and that will end someday too because his speech will go. so get out now. sorry for sounding bitter. been there, done it, got the tee-shirt for it.

Comment on My mother has become paranoid, and it's really causing problems!

MelissaKaplan — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 13:01:30 -0000

This screams dementia, not drama. Yes, need to check drug side effects and contraindications, and get a neuro assessment if not already done. If she cannot live alone and cannot live with one of you, well, she's going to have to live somewhere, so it is also time to start researching resources in yor community. Also, I suggest reading the book The 36-Hour Day for info on all the weird things dementia can cause those inflicted to do.

Comment on My mother has become paranoid, and it's really causing problems!

Awitta — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 01:37:18 -0000

Not enough attention was given to medications or the withdrawal from specific medications that increase anxiety and can cause paranoia. The answer that mom may be doing this just to "cry wolf" or "for attention" was insulting to her dignity! Perhaps she is needing love or is fearful of being alone; the response should have been phrased as such. Mom needs to know that family will be there for her, attempting to set boundaries and be rational with someone who is likely experiencing the onset of dementia will not work! A little compassion for both the daughter experiencing the strain and not understanding the disease (and her future journey) as well as compassion for the mother who is likely honestly fearful that others are stealing from her would have been helpful. Instructing cashiers and caretakers that this may be a chemical imbalance or a neurological disease dispels some of the embarrassment that the daughter does not need to own. Dementia and Alzheimer's will take so many; it is time to have compassion, care, and respect for those experiencing the journey, both caretaker and loved one. Further, I disliked the suggestion to get ready for care facilities. Care facilities could drastically increase the fear and dementia -- imagine being moved from familiar surroundings, losing most belongings, and having to cope with a strange new room, new caretakers that change schedules, changes in medications, and being locked down or having limited mobility! On top of this, pay thousands each month for the insult to dignity and institutional living -- Did the person who answered this blog have a connection to the multi-million (billion?) dollar senior facility business??

Comment on My mother has become paranoid, and it's really causing problems!

ddperry — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 01:22:52 -0000

This is difficult for all family involved, if you and other family are unable to give all the attention needed you must consider live in health care aide. My grandma has dementia and she is blind (glaucoma untreated lost sight 6 yrs ago)dementia is really bad but with her out of 5 children only 2 daughters willing to help(my mom) and only 2 of the many grand children helping it is very stressful because it is hard sleeping theregoing to working and caring for our own families we suggested she spend weeks at a time with each of the 4 willing to help, she refused, and of course she want to remain in her home. UNFORTUNATELY she may be going into a facility our granny has so many paranoid issues and refuse to eat somedays, ensure drinks given but with her paranoia she thinks we are drugging her. Grandma was a full figures woman at 170 pounds but now last hospital stay in Sept 2011 she is 110, funny thing is when hospitalized she eat all meal and do whatever doctors ask of her.

Comment on My mother has become paranoid, and it's really causing problems!

Anonymous — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 05:23:51 -0000

The symptoms you describe were exactly what we saw as my mother descended into Lewy Body Dementia. It is frustrating and upsetting...for her as well as for you. My mother, even with caregivers around the clock, would insist on waking up my father in the middle of the night to take her to help someone have a baby....a person well past the age of having babies. She was sure there were people laughing about her in another room, a baby crying that only she could hear and many other delusions. It was heartbreaking to see her so frightened and not be able to reason with her or help her. Eventually she had to go into skilled nursing care where she died after about eight months. She was 86 years old.

Comment on My mom is making mealtime miserable!

dragon fly — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 00:40:32 -0000

im not and exspert, just a mom and I think your moms coments about why people are fat, need to be stoped. I went through the same thing when my mom had dementia, she is now passed on. its been 15 years,. My childrens mental health and happyness come first,no matter what the situation is or who is involved, or what type of illness thay have. I let my mom know that if she continued to talk about who was fat and who was slopy, or she started to rant and rave about things she thought was going on in our house, I would take her to her room. I know she had no control, over her thoughts, or ramblings but I wasent about to let my children be damaged by her crule words, especally because thay were young and thay loved her so much. my kids are grown now and remember how funny my mom was abd thats what i was hoping thay would remember.

Comment on My mother has become paranoid, and it's really causing problems!

judith1946 — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 00:15:35 -0000

It helps to know what loneliness can do to a person.Also how rearanging a home can help. Living with someone is a great idea. Althought this depends on who to live with... Thank you for the inf....jmj

Comment on My husband has early-onset dementia, and he's refusing to deal with it.

memoryofmom.com — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 12:24:36 -0000

My mother was in her early 60's when she was diagnosed with early on set Alzheimer's. Dad had already retired and they were traveling quite a bit. They continued to travel for several years until it was just too confusing for mom to be away from home. We encouraged dad to continue taking trips, but he always felt guilty leaving her with us. He missed her and wanted her with him. The Alzheimer's patiet usually gets VERY dependent on the main caregiver and is upset when they are not around. Mom forgot they were married and refused to sleep in the same bed with him since she did not want the neighbors to think she was "living in sin", but she still missed him when he was away. Caregivers need a break so they can complete this long journey.

Comment on My mom is balking at moving closer to us.

donoharm — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 13:26:37 -0000

Great response, especially meeting new people, hairdresser, etc. Now, what about the medical side - is her supplemental insurance transferrable? For how long? Is it possible to make an appt. with the Medical provider(s)? Then too, be certain of the Rules of Association with the new condo, i.e., parking fees, insurance, pets, visitors, etc.; the financial obligations, approximate cost of the move, including installation of utilities. It appears the Mom needs to be certain she won't be abandoned to go it alone. Is there public transporation available? A couple visits to the new place would be the best way to assure your Mom, taking in all aspects of a new way of life. Good wishes to all of you.

Comment on My mom is balking at moving closer to us.

DGraab — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 00:30:26 -0000

Hi, In addition to the excellent tips from Carol O'Dell, I'd also add a resource suggestion that you may find helpful: involving a senior move manager. Senior move manager services can include downsizing and packing belongings, hiring and supervising movers, and unpacking and setting up the new home. Here's how to find one in your local community: http://www.caring.com/local/senior-move-managers

Comment on My mom is balking at moving closer to us.

Anonymous — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 13:07:46 -0000

I know how difficult change was for my Father and Mother. They just moved into town from the ranch. They were married 47 years. Dad felt displaced and it was heart breaking to watch.. I knew Dad felt a loss of control and was so sad! He eventually did adjust with a lot of support from his family.. But, he did pass the next year... Mom, however jumped into the fray with vigor and adjusted rapidly. She was very sad when she had to go to a care center about 15 years later and died shortly thereafter. Her quality of life was gone! Now.... I am 69 years old and live 101 miles from the nearest grocery store. There are 36 folks in my little town. My kids worry a bit... But, I believe when I am incapable of making decisions on my own.. I want someone to drag me over the cattle guard into Oregon which is about 500 yards away and euthanize me! If that is not reasonable; I wish to go to some care center and never diet again. If I start wearing diapers; I never want my kids to change them!!! I did that for my Mom with love and affection. We had great giggles and she loved being cared for! But my kids are not to do that for me! People should be able to leave this life if their quality of life is gone.. I love the peace and quiet of the outback! I do travel to the coast and also love to camp in Hawaii.. I make big circles to New Mexico, Colorado, Montana and Seattle, Washington. But, I love to come home to the deer and cotton tail in my yard...

Comment on I'm beyond caregiver burnout!

DeSings — Sat, 22 Oct 2011 20:53:45 -0000

This is exactly what I've learned to do. You've stated it better than I ever could have. Initially I had a battle with myself about being cold and unfeeling. But I learned that I have to protect myself emotionally and mentally or there wouldn't be anything of me left. I also discovered that if I didn't do that I might say or do harmful things to Dad. I never did, but I don't like the thoughts that came into my mind sometimes. It's best for you and her if you take care of yourself. Many blessings to you!

Comment on My mom is a pushover -- and my sister is taking advantage of her kind heart!

Haleema — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 16:21:57 -0000

This is a simple case of sibling rivalry showing its ugly head. Sometimes a little child in the household is EXACTLY the kind of distraction an older caregiver needs. Especially a grand child. The hugs, the laughter, the representation of hope and rebirth in the midst of death and despair. From all indications, the dearly beloved will soon depart and what then? An empty house for mom? No. She will have the love and company of family right at her fingertips. Tell this jealous sister ,'Go take a hike'.

Comment on My mom is a pushover -- and my sister is taking advantage of her kind heart!

Liquid Blue — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 15:12:26 -0000

Excellent advice! Learning to accept & enjoy others in their own space is one of the hardest task for some but the reward is tremendously uplifting. It require relinquishing control & removing the burden of the world from one's shoulders. My mother was under hospice three yrs., I was there, my darling husband was there for both of us. My mother lived 17 days without nourishment before her death. Sad isn't the word for that. Now my husband is seriously ill & has been helpless for over a yr. following 26 yrs. of our son's illness & death 15 yrs. ago. He began "going down" after our son passed on but last yr. developed serious health complications & will turn 79 soon. I lost two brothers & mother within 8 months, an older one in '93. Now the only two siblings left have "parted ways with me" since the day of my mother's funeral. I was executor of her affairs & could see that coming, long ago. So that part of my life is over & I can handle it. I'm sorry for them, their loss. On the brighter side, I was blessed in this life with two wonderful sons, my oldest is my guardian angel & lives 2000 miles away, too far for us parents but if we had them next door 24/7, to quote my mother, "it would never be enough", he is always here when we need him. My husband, my best friend, my soulmate is a joy each moment of the day. Oh I know one or both of us will be gone soon but it's the natural order of God's plan. We accept it & do the best we can. The main thing is to find ways to live our lives in peace & not to take ourselves too seriously. The way I see it, wasted energy, regrets or living for yesterday is a killer of mind, body & soul & I'm so blessed & grateful for my live that I don't choose to destroy whatever I have left. My health isn't good, so, I can stand on my soap box & spout advice but seriously my darling, giving you mother & sister their space & enjoying them, going home & remembering whatever gleem of happiness you shared this time might just release you from the burden you're carrying. At least try it, it could become a healthy practice! Who knows, you might learn that happiness "in the moment" is a great asset to the following hours. Believe me, I do understand the protective side of you but what is your alternative? Only you, yourself can answer for you. Good Luck, prayers & hugs.

Comment on I know Dad's just sitting at his care facility all day, feeling miserable -- and the guilt is eating me alive.

Emily M. — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 23:28:43 -0000

Hello dwinpdx, Thank you very much for your question. If you'd like, you can post your question in our Ask & Answer section, here: ( http://www.caring.com/ask ). I hope that helps. Take care! -- Emily | Community Manager

Comment on I know Dad's just sitting at his care facility all day, feeling miserable -- and the guilt is eating me alive.

dwinpdx — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 23:01:05 -0000

i guess i messed up. Will try to send this again. My MIL is in assisted care. Long story short, she had hip surgery 1 1/2 yrs ago. After Rehab she went into Assisted care with the plan of soon moving home. After reaching the stage of being able to move home with help, she had a nervous breakdown and has been there since. She recently fell and broke her neck (not paralyzed) She had surgery, another stint at rehab and is now back to Assisted care. She has been going downhill and I believe will never be able to return to her home. She wanted to go back to same assisted care and that was available to her so she is back there, again closing herself off from the other residents like she was before. refuses to go to dining room, has her room darkened with blinds always shut, door always shut so no one will see her. She is fine with the attendants and with the few visitors she has but will make no attempt to see those who live there. any ideas what to do! Any suggestions greatly appreciated. I am getting very frustrated with her and I am her sole relative nearby to make sure she is cared for.

Comment on I'm thinking of leaving my spouse, who has Parkinson's.

hyldy — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 22:50:30 -0000

I feeling like somebody just wrote my life story. I too am 65yrs. old, married 37 years. In 1991 everything changed after we found his older brother dead from a heart attack. He became depressed and abusive. Stopped being intimate and now he has Parkinsons and is more abusive and a slop. My home looks like a pig sty. I don't even want to go home after work. When I clean up he just brings in more junk from the basement and puts it in the clean spot. He is not yet completely incapacitated but he is getting their. I've reached a point where I want a divorce. I too am scared and worry about money since I wouldn't be able to afford to take care of myself. When I come home unexpectly he is on the computer looking at porno. I feel dirty and embarrass, but it doesn't seem to affect him. He stopped caring. I think the advice you have given is wonderful and look forward to more comments and advice. I hope this page is still available. Thanks a million.

Comment on I know Dad's just sitting at his care facility all day, feeling miserable -- and the guilt is eating me alive.

Anonymous — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 16:10:01 -0000

@ Memory of mom thank you, that was very helpfull. I'm only 34 and I feel like I'm 50 at times. I don't have acpectations of myself being able to do it all, but my dad has unreasonable expectaions of me. I realize he is losing his life partner, and I am very concerned the stress will kill him also, but I guess I just have to try to take it day by day. I try to get out as much as possable, but it doesn't usually work out that way because I'm always exaughsted, and my ex husband is not a really big help in the situation, he only takes our kids every other weekend, so I normally have zero time for myself, it's lead to anxiety attacks, deppresion, stomach pain, insomnia. Some days I don't know if I'm comming or going. But again I thank you sincerly.

Comment on I know Dad's just sitting at his care facility all day, feeling miserable -- and the guilt is eating me alive.

memoryofmom.com — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 15:50:30 -0000

I should proofread before I send a post, but dad got Lymphoma and not Alzheimer's. Dad had to get to his breaking point before he agreed to move mom to a care facility. I pointed out my concerns and then let it go. One thing I learned to do for myself is say no. I cannot do everything and be everywhere. At 48, it was clear to me that I needed to slow down a little and take some time for myself. It is very hard for a driven personality to have down time, but would not trade it for anything now. You cannot fix everything, but you can learn to appreciate all the things you are doing and learn contentment. It's a process!

Comment on I know Dad's just sitting at his care facility all day, feeling miserable -- and the guilt is eating me alive.

Anonymous — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 15:18:42 -0000

It's helpfull because I often find myself feeling guilty about wanting my dad to place my mom in a care facility, as her Altziemer's is severe, and I'm her paid caregiver, along with having 3 kids, and being my son's(both) head football coach, and being an only child and a woman I'm emotionally and physically drained most of the time, so I often feel guilty about multiple things at a time.

Comment on I know Dad's just sitting at his care facility all day, feeling miserable -- and the guilt is eating me alive.

memoryofmom.com — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 14:31:18 -0000

Guilt is a big one for all of us involved in caring for a loved one. My mom passed away in February 2010 after a long battle with Alzheimer's. Dad cared for her at home for most of the time, but after he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, we had to make changes. he wanted to continue to care for her at home, but the doctors told him the stress of trying to care for her at home would ultimately lead to his death. My siblings and I discussed trying to care for her, but we all work, have children at home, and already leading very busy lives. We were not in a position to quit our jobs, and none of us had the resourses to hire in-home care. We made the difficult decision to place mother in a nearby care facility so we could check on her. We also picked her up regularly for meals at my home. We made the best of a bad situation and spent the time with her. There were issues with her care that we addressed, but I also understood that she was simply not going to get the same level of care as she would at home. I built good rapport with some of the employees at the facility and knew mom would get better care than she might if I was always complaining. Just remember that you cannot do it all. Hang in there!

Comment on I know Dad's just sitting at his care facility all day, feeling miserable -- and the guilt is eating me alive.

RachaelLa — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 19:40:04 -0000

Please remember that noone in your dad's situation gets perfect care, and despite the problems you are having with his care facility, from a global perspective, he is far better off than most elderly people in the world. Even in the best of care, he might still be unhappy, lonely, confused, and scared. The best thing you can do to care for your dad is visit frequently, even if just for 1/2 hour. Your love and compassion is doing more than you know and wasting energy on guilt (which produces nothing) is not efficient. Neither is not caring for your own health, sanity, and life goals. It helps sometimes to relook at the standards you are setting for yourself : Are they realistic? Would you set those standards for a friend who cares for her parent? Would you set those standards for your own children? Go have a margarita with a friend, read a magazine, sit in the car for 10 minutes before visiting your dad to listen to uplifting music. Do what you can, and leave the rest up to God.

Comment on My parents can't bear their new reality of not being able to live together

Anonymous — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 01:59:35 -0000

Regarding parents wanting to stay together. Check in your area for Assisted Living Homes. Many of them have Apartments that allow both parents to stay together. That way both parents are assisted with their own personal care, but they can still fuction as a couple in the social setting of the home. It is a Win-Win for All involved.

Comment on I'm beyond caregiver burnout!

memoryofmom.com — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 13:17:22 -0000

Marly, the decision to send mom to a nursing home was verry difficult. We considered moving her into our home, but we have small kids and my wife and I were both working full time. There was no way we could do that. My sister-in-law was a speech therapist at the home where mom was placed, so we were much more fortunate than most. Also, it was five minutes from my home, so I was able to drop in frequently. When dad was diagnosed with an aggressive Lymphoma he wanted to contionue to care for her at home, but he got very sick (intensive care) and doctors said the stress of caring for mom would kill him. We all have tough choices to make in life. I agree with Marly, in that nursing home should be last resort. There were people in the memory-care section with mom that were there for years with no family visits. It still breaks my heart.

Comment on I'm beyond caregiver burnout!

Marly26 — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 01:43:07 -0000

Your reply wouldn't have been any different than my own. After looking after clients that I had during my years as a Caregiver, one with Dementia/Alzheimers' it certainly isn't the easiest route to go. However for the most of us we dont' like to send our parents/IL's to a Nursing Home, it not somewhere they wantt be nor someplace that you yourself would wan t to put them in. As you said questions being repeated, turn up that sound as we would say. We are only people ourselves with no hope from help from family, at least this is what I found out. You basically have to go with the flow, dont' argue as much as you would like to, your not hurting them you are hurting yourself. Stress is an alltime factor and we all need to vent. We need help in looking after caring for our IL for a family member. Thiis is why it is so important to have "me time" or as we say time out. You cant' go at something 24/7. "Burnout is definetly the word. Stress causes' so many factors' in our lives' in and we dont' even know it. My heart goes out to the Poster and I do hope she gets help through the Government funding, via the Access Centre and her Physician. Again big, big hugs, lots of caring and undertanding. One cannot do this alone, it a family affair. Thank you again for your support youhave said some remarkable things,I'm sure you will be blessed for your support, in the meantime I am sending you a Big Bear Hugs and lots of love and happiness, Take aare:)

Comment on I'm beyond caregiver burnout!

susangold — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 11:02:08 -0000

Greetings to you blessed one!.As you read through my message,I do not want you to feel pity or sorry for me,for I believe someday, somehow,we will all surely die, this is about mine, and a last wish. My name is Mrs.Mrs. Susan Gold , a Citizen of the united kingdom,I am a 63 years old woman,I am diagnosed of Cancer of the Larynx and it is terminal,medical science can not do anything for me at this stage. Please reply as soon possible in my private email ( susan.gold67@yahoo.co.uk )

Comment on I'm beyond caregiver burnout!

memoryofmom.com — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 13:19:16 -0000

My dad went through this with mother. It was really bad because she thought he was her helper, but not her husband. She wanted him nearby, but wanted him out of her house and her bed at night. It was very stressful for dad. We would stay with her for the weekends, so he could take little trips to visit other kids and grandkids. We would get sitters for mom and take him to dinner. Any little break makes a big difference for the caregiver, but you MUST find a way to take a break. Hang in there!

Comment on My husband has early-onset dementia, and he's refusing to deal with it.

carriepasley — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 13:17:14 -0000

I have been going through the same thing with Jimmy, and trying to "suck it up" and now I realize that I do not have to do that anymore, and I have started going to school online which is something I have wanted to do for six years.

Comment on I'm beyond caregiver burnout!

PatSnyder — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 00:20:15 -0000

I have a friend whose husband is in late stage dementia and Parkinsons. I am going to read this to her tonight.

Comment on I'm beyond caregiver burnout!

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 23:28:45 -0000

Thanks Emily, sometimes I don't know how to get through the days, but knowing there are other poeple out there who suffer from this, well it both helps but also saddenns me, I would not wish this on anybody!

Comment on I'm beyond caregiver burnout!

Emily M. — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 20:24:36 -0000

Hello Anonymous, Thank you for your comment. I am very sorry to hear about your stressful situation. Here are some resources that you may find helpful: We have a wonderful area on our site for Alzheimer's support here: ( http://www.caring.com/alzheimers-support ), and resources about coping with caregiving and caregiver health are here: ( http://www.caring.com/just-for-caregivers ). You also may want to consider Adult Day Care ( http://www.caring.com/local/adult-day-care ) or contacting your local Area Agency on Aging for additional assistance ( http://www.caring.com/local/area-agency-on-aging ). I hope that helps. Take care -- Emily | Community Manager

Comment on I'm beyond caregiver burnout!

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 18:36:15 -0000

I am suffering from burnout right now so bad just reading this is making me cry because noone including my father seems to get just how serios burnout can be. My mother also has severe Altzhiemer's and I am her paid caregiver, my father pushed me to move in because he can't handle her by himself, but I also have 3 kids, ages 13, 12, and 9, and I am head coach of my son's football team. Just in the last week I have been in tears almost constanly, and I can't help but feel guilty all the time, even though I know I shouldn't! My mother also suffers from chronic pain and is at a constant falling risk. I have NEVER been so miserable, nor have my children. My dad's expectations of me are unrealistic, to say the least, if I'm sick or down it just does not matter to him. At this point I seriosly don't know what to do!

Comment on I'm beyond caregiver burnout!

DGraab — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 14:55:18 -0000

In addition to the many great tips that have already been shared (from both Carol and the anonymous caregiver in the previous comment), it can also help to talk to others facing similar challenges. Here are some online support groups for Alzheimer's caregivers that are available at any time: http://www.caring.com/alzheimers-support

Comment on I'm beyond caregiver burnout!

Jen77 — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 14:52:46 -0000

Comment on I'm beyond caregiver burnout!

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 03:11:29 -0000

You really have to at times pull yourself away from a situation. Yes you may feel guilty "BUT DONT". In the beginning of caring for my father in law I bent over backwards. That started 5yrs.ago. I find now if he knows' I'm going somewhere its' "can I come" and I say "no". When I go out of course I worry somewhat but I really know that my FIL isn't going to do something out of character. Its just like he always liked spaghetti, now if I cook spaghetti, make a macaroni casserole, his reply "are we broke", the first time he said that I started laughing. I said "no" we do enjoy this meal very much at times. He will say he is being made to eat something he doesn't want to. At the end of the meal, guess who's plate/bowl is the cleanest? You got it, his. I have caught on to so many of his pranks that I'm ahead of the game and smiling going out of the door. I as well have a Caregiver twice a wk. During the course of the wk. it is only 5hrs. but I honestly can say, either I'm going out or I'm lying down with a very good book. Dont' ever feel guilty about what you have/haven't done. You have basically given your life over to your loved one, and I for one know what that feels like. Always and I mean always, look in the mirror and tell yourself I am a wonderful person, I'm caring, I am always here day/night, I am loving, devoted and I deserve attention myself. If you keep repeating this over and over again, it will finally kick in like "Hey" I'm only one person, that one person who has given up everything to take on this responsibility. This is so true. Make plans for yourself the day your Caregiver is there. Go visiting, shopping, have a nap, just pretend that you are the only one and dammit I'm doing this today. Go girl "Go" You dont' need that burn out so take advantage of that so very precious time. I used to stay in day after day, worried that something would happen and then the light bulb went off. Why do I have a Caregiver who is educated in this field, can do whatever you yourself do. Give her a pat on the back. Caregivers' dont' get paid what they so deserve in our real world, and they are steady going usually from 7am. to 7pm. daily with every other wknd. off.Trust in what others' are telling you but most of all "Trust You". You can be that person you once were prior to it just takes a little time. Really think of how much time you yourself have put into the caring, meals, changing clothing, the list could go on. It will be real quiet and you pull the vaccuum out to vaccuum, all of a sudden somebody wants something, am I right? Keep doing what your doing and then tend to them unless it is impairitive that you have to stop, I am you, only in another home but with the same rituals each day. Take the break you so much deserve. Reward yourself or tell your family that you need to be rewarded even if it means you have to get downright grumpy!! Take care hon, those who take care of others will be taken care of themselves, only on a much higher level. Hope your week is going wonderfully well, Enjoy every minute of solitude you can get or whatever puts that beautiful smile on your face daily, even when you dont' want to. My heart goes out to you.Sending a Huge Hug and saying a Prayer for you as well as so many more who are both of us!!

Comment on My sister is upset with me because I didn't recognize my parents' dementia.

Anonymous — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 22:12:31 -0000

True Former,risk total clothes something shout instance winter everyone screen contact include sea top technical night select recover phase study river organise discuss carefully that discuss grow joint enter friend visitor sexual important hence gain master thought expectation relate public figure produce out tear live assembly community completely fix presence speak start extent sum occasion picture leading plus investigate yet sample his traditional matter clearly whose girl race warm representation better land purpose production planning better resource father basis tool anything debate publish brief land continue debate clear sex arm local

Comment on My mom has suddenly started pitching fits when I can't do something she wants. How do I stop this bad behavior once and for all?

Douglas Winslow Cooper — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 00:06:51 -0000

Excellent set of suggestions. Change incentives, investigate causes, don't be too hard on yourself.

Comment on My mom refuses to go to the dentist! Should I make her?

Lawscout — Sat, 24 Sep 2011 19:42:50 -0000

Intuitively this answer to this question would seem to be no. But I don't really think that is always the case and wonder if this question should be explored more carefully: Does the burden or financial obligations of the government cumulatively get reduced when a senior spouse divorces a seriously ill Alzheimer spouse? My guess is than in many situations the answer is no the states obiligations may increase. But if this question was looked at across a larger number of people who chose to divorce their Alzheimer's spouse is there an analysis which would support the math that the governments financial obligation becomes less?

Comment on My mom just died, and I don't know how to be "normal" anymore.

Ocean Woman — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 14:41:14 -0000

Although I was older when I was my mothers caregiver, i still felt the loss very deeply. The only thing I was sure of was that I did my best to make her life easier. you did a superb job for one so young. That's all anyone can ask of you, your grief will subside as time goes on.

Comment on My father seems interested in moving in with me -- and I don't want him to.

RRC — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 14:05:46 -0000

My wife(deceased) and I had this problem with both her parents. It is an awful decision to make but in today's society both spouses have to work for health insurance,pensions and to pay your own bills. With a lot of guilt we put my wife's father in the closest good nursing home on medicaid and her mother lived at home by herself on medicaid. My wife cared for her mother before and after she went to work. When her mother could no longer live alone we had no choice but to put her in a nursing home 7 miles from our house. The one in our local hospital was eliminated from our list due to the bad care they gave.My wife went there every day after work and we both went on weekends. My mother in law was happy there died a few years later. By going to the nursing home daily your loved one will not be neglected as a lot of residents who have no one visiting are. I know this is true in most of the nursing homes around here and getting worse as medicaid is on a cost saving spree. The big problem is the nursing homes can't afford to hire enough aides to properly care for residents. Especially overnight care. Our local hospital has 1 overnight aide for over 80 residents. If my wife quit work to care for her mother at home she would have lost her pension which without I would be at the poverty line since Shirley's death last year. Hard decision to make but you must look at everything before making a move remembering that some day it will be you who needs help.

Comment on My husband has early-onset dementia, and he's refusing to deal with it.

Steven East — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 16:11:24 -0000

Without a doubt, being a caregiver is one of the most heartfelt jobs in the world. We are beginning to see more statistics on the emotional and financial impact of being a caregiver; it is very important to not let your health slip as a caregiver. Your sense of well-being is more important than ever, so take the time to engage in a support or community group to learn more about dementia or condition specific topics to prepare for what is around the corner. Caregivers often become subject matter experts at the expense of their own health, so block off time for yourself. Helpguide.org is another helpful resource for caregivers. http://helpguide.org/elder/caring_for_caregivers.htm Steven East, CEO and President Caring People Home Healthcare Agency Servicing New York, New Jersey and Florida http://www.caringpeopleinc.com

Comment on My husband has early-onset dementia, and he's refusing to deal with it.

JustRusty — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 16:08:22 -0000

I'm also an RN but retiring due to overwhelming healthcare challenges, my own!!! Sure wish those around me would take me for small walks (I'm bedbound but can transfer to my wheelchair) just even 15 minutes outside. I know it's hard given we have to take my oxygen too & positioning me just right takes some effort. I do forget a lot so each little trip seems like a new adventure to me. God made me a wonderfully loving, caring nurse. Why can't those around me do that for just the few minutes a day??

Comment on My husband has early-onset dementia, and he's refusing to deal with it.

Anonymous — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 15:40:08 -0000

There's a lot of wise advice in this article. My long-time dream was to visit Norway. Each year as I saw my husband's memory deteriorating I wondered if we'd ever make the trip. We finally had the finances this year and spent 3 weeks in that beautiful country. My husband enjoys being with me, whatever we're doing, and he did great on the trip. I had to constantly answer his "where are we?" question and he had no recollection of the trip by the time we were on the plane heading home. I've made photo books from the trip and he looks through them frequently. My worst fears about how he would act on the trip were never realized. I had fore-warned the people we'd be visiting about hubby's memory issues, and they were all very understanding.

Comment on My husband has early-onset dementia, and he's refusing to deal with it.

Mitzih — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 15:28:53 -0000

As a nurse, I often see Caregivers who do not take time to take care of themselves. It is always my advice that you have to remember to take time to take care of you. After all, if you don't take care of you, how do you expect to be able to take care of someone else?

Comment on My mom just died, and I don't know how to be "normal" anymore.

Mon, 19 Sep 2011 16:13:33 -0000

Honey, you just have to realize that you did the best you could in the time you had with her. I'm 74 years old - just lost my Mom 9 months ago and I, too, feel lost without her and wish I had done more for her throughout our life together. Counseling does help (I'm a retired social worker) but I'd also add therapeutic art work. Sometimes just talk therapy seems to go in circles. When I go into a depressive state, out comes the $1 store art pad and colored pencils, pastels, and felt pens. I'm far from being an artist but I use the art to express my grief. Just give it a try.

Comment on My mom just died, and I don't know how to be "normal" anymore.

bunny 24 — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 01:16:08 -0000

Sorry for your loss of your mom.Don't beat yourself up,you didn't fail your mom.You were there for her and you are a very brave young girl. i lost my mom a few months ago and i was her caregiver,so i understand the feeling of feeling lost. Find others that have lost their moms,take up something new(playing the guitar for example)when you feel up to it. Also a pet helps too. here are hugs and i will be praying that God comforts you and blesses you.

Comment on My husband balks my care at every turn!

CA-Claire — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 20:58:32 -0000

California DMV has this ability as well as Michigan. It only works in California if you have the Physicians backing you up on the concern about driving. Once you have your health team backing you, it's fairly easy to do (paperwork-wise, emotionally - it's a torment).

Comment on My husband balks my care at every turn!

stinky49 — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 20:43:30 -0000

In the state of Michigan you can get a form to request someone be evaluated for driving. You will have to say who you are in relation to this person and why you want it done. The individual receives a letter from the state saying they need to be re-evaluated, they are not told who requested it. I had my daughter do the form for my husband and it worked for us.

Comment on My husband balks my care at every turn!

CA-Claire — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 18:01:05 -0000

My husband was a retired policeman as well - retired against his will due to a severe stroke. If he hadn't been head-over-heels in love with me, willing to do anything to make me happy, we would have had a very difficult time. Luckily, because of the stroke, his driving privileges were suspended for a period of time (which I extended by adding requirements on top of the DMV ones). Luckily, his physicians and other medical support staff supported me at every turn. If a Dr. didn't seem to support me, I found another that understood that public safety as well as his own were at stake, and supported me. I'm unsure if I could do it again. It was the most difficult, but special 3 years of my life. Unfortunately, he did not choose to take as good of care of himself as he could have, and passed away just 3 years, 3 weeks and 10 hours after his stroke. This article gives very good advice. You are very fortunate that his buddies from the dept are keeping in touch with him, we lived outside the area he served in, plus with the after-effects of the stroke (frontal lobe - logic problems) the officers were scared (probably because it could happen to them as well). Best wishes, and my prayers are with you.

Comment on My husband balks my care at every turn!

Sopher's Mom — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 15:50:45 -0000

Will one of his buddies tactfully talk to him about the driving issue? I agree with the writer that sometimes it is best to step away and let somebody else deliver--or reiterate--the bad news. Our daughters did this for me and it really helped. Maybe you could keep him from driving at night, or whenever you perceive particular danger--congested areas, lots of pedestrians--by insisting that you will be driving under those circumstances. He's probably terrified of becoming isolated. Good for you for offering to drive, and again that is where others can reinforce the message. Work to figure out lots of alternatives to get him where he wants to go. Best of luck to you.

Comment on My husband balks my care at every turn!

donoharm — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 12:14:01 -0000

The suggestion to delegate a caregiving decision is super. It takes the 'heat' off the main caregiver. Thank you.

Comment on My husband balks my care at every turn!

Anonymous — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 04:06:38 -0000

Make sure you have a power of attorney.

Comment on My mom just died, and I don't know how to be "normal" anymore.

Kay31 — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 00:24:32 -0000

What a brave girl you are! I just lost my husband to cancer a month ago and I was his caregiver, so I know how frightening it is to feel totaly responsible for someone's care. It is so frustrating to see their pain and not be able to ease it. I am sure you did the very best you knew how to do, and your mother must have been so grateful for you. Do not let the idea that you didn't do enough take hold in your mind! Be glad for the strength you had to do what you did. As for feeling normal again, you will, but it will be a new normal and you will find it one day at a time. Share your feelings with some one, do at least one thing you enjoy each day, your emptiness will be filled and your smile will be for real again. Many will be praying for God to comfort your heart, talk to Him and allow Him to do that. Please write again and tell us how you are doing.

Comment on My mom just died, and I don't know how to be "normal" anymore.

LindaSue — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 23:57:07 -0000

Good stuff written here, for an impressionable 16 yr. old. This young person had no life of her own for two years ! Amazingly responsible youth ! Don't build 'em like that much anymore ! Mom was blessed. Now, time for self. . . . mom would want it that way. I'll wager mom was really upset about needing you as much as she did. Bet she'd have much preferred to have had anyone else look after her ~ not because she wasn't convinced you could help, but that she soooo would have preferred not to have tied you down. Sounds as though you have a good base for going into nursing. Pays well, and people don't not get sick. . . . You'd always have job, a way to look after yourself and be of such benefit to others. . . .Shoot, why stop at nursing ~ become a doctor and care for your patients as you wanted mom taken care of by her physicians. One thing I have learned in my old age, is that the measure of our grief is equal to the love of the one we've lost. I would not wish that away. . . . I do pray your grief not always be as intense as it is in the beginning. . . .that it mellows over time. My dad's been gone 35 years. . . I still miss him and he comes to mind often. . . I treasure his memory. As you will, your mom's. God bless you precious one. As God is with us in spirit, so too is your mom with you. She asks that you remember her to the children, her grandchildren you'll have one day. . . Take good care of you.~ Granny L

Comment on My mom just died, and I don't know how to be "normal" anymore.

AnOhioian — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 21:44:49 -0000

I lost my Mother yesterday. Though she has been in a nursing home for the last three months and she was on Hospice, I was not ready for her to go. My heart, like yours, is aching. Mother was my pillar of strength and I miss her so much. I am so sad to hear that you lost your Mom at such a young age. I am 65 but the pain is oh so very great. I do take in comfort in knowing that we got to say we love each other and prepare her to go home to be with the Lord; it's just, I guess, I wasn't really ready. I too was somewhat of her care giver and support during this time and I too feel so inadequate. This is a very, very hard time, but God will bring friends and family to comfort us. Your Mom is grateful for all that you did for her and yes, it was enough. There is a Scripture in the Bible that says, "My times are in God's hands" and also; "This too shall pass". We have those promises sweetheart. Receive God's healing touch for your heart.

Comment on My mom just died, and I don't know how to be "normal" anymore.

caringwithheart — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 20:43:19 -0000

You are an amazing young woman. Do not be so hard on yourself! You are grieving and it is natural to feel such conflicting emotions. Grief counseling helps...I know that from personal experience. I lost my mom when I was 16 as well. Like you, I was her primary caregiver...for 4 years while she battles cancer...and when she passed I lost my best friend as well as my mom. Time does heal, but you need to permit yourself to grieve. I have never stopped missing my mom...I think of her often and missed her on my wedding day, and when I gave birth to my sons, and when I cared for my sister who died leaving three teenagers behind. But that missing shows you that you had a relationship. I bet you were her best friend too! You will miss her, but in that missing you will remember things she said and sometimes laugh, and sometimes cry, and sometimes thank her because that lesson you learned from her helped you in a certain situation. PLEASE join a support group. There are other teens that also have lost there moms. They need you as much as you need them. ANd from the sound of it, you have given a lot these past two years, and have a lot yet to give. Helping others who are experiencing similar feelings will help you heal and will help you grow. Be blessed, for you have been a blessing!

Comment on My mom just died, and I don't know how to be "normal" anymore.

CharlieB48 — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 18:26:18 -0000

You did not fail your mom; you did an amazing thing by helping and caring for her. Please find your way to a support group or a counselor who specializes in grief work. Search on line and you will find something or someone. Although it is difficult, give yourself permission to be sad and grieve; also give yourself permission to be happy and laugh sometimes. It doesn't mean that you miss your mom less, just that she taught you to take joy in your life. I wish you well and I will keep you gently in my thoughts.

Comment on My mom just died, and I don't know how to be "normal" anymore.

marinparent — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 16:29:22 -0000

You sound like an amazing person. Definitely find a support group at your local hospice, church, hospital...somewhere! Don't count on other teenagers to understand or know how to help you. You have been through far more than they and you need people who can help you through this very hard time. It is natural to wonder "what I could have done differently" and "what if..." The fact is that you were the best daughter a mom could want, and your mom would want you to do everything you can to heal and go on with your life. You have a world awaiting you. Lots of hugs to you. Please post again and let us know how you are doing, ok? I am a mom too and I care.

Comment on My mom just died, and I don't know how to be "normal" anymore.

Carla Rae — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 13:26:44 -0000

You are going through one of the toughest events anyone can experience--the loss of your mother. The deep sorrow, feelings of being "lost," the sense that others don't understand, and the continual self-doubt ("could I have done more?") are things I experienced as well when I lost my mother last year--and I was 50 years old! I can't imagine going through it at 16. My heart goes out to you. I sense you're a strong person, although right now you may feel that's not the case. No doubt your inner strength will help you through, but I hope you'll continue to reach out to others for support and understanding as well. If you find your mind wandering while you attempt to study, maybe remind yourself that continuing to move forward with your life is the highest form of respect you can give to the woman who brought you into the world. I will keep you in my prayers, my dear.

Comment on Ten years of caring for my mom have worn Dad out. My sisters want him to do more, but I don't.

dragon fly — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 06:43:10 -0000

When I lefty comment yesterday, I wasent sure if I was sayin what I ment in a clear way. Im not saying that your pop, has to make all the desishions for your mom because he is her care giver. What I ment was that You have to make the hard choices because your pop has done it for 10 years, and he must be under so much stress, and your sibling dosent help out , she just thinks you pop should continue caring for your mom. You gota look out for you dad. He needs to rest now. I really wish the best for all of you, because I know for a fact that I could not continue being a 24-7 live in car giver for 10 years.

Comment on My mom just died, and I don't know how to be "normal" anymore.

dsand — Sat, 03 Sep 2011 14:27:33 -0000

Being a mom of a daughter myself...my heart breaks for you. Dear girl, you did NOT fail your mother. Please never accept that thought again. If your mother could, this is what she would say to you right now: "I love you and I am so incredibly proud of you. I hate it that I got sick and that you had to take care of me...but what a great job you did with that difficult task. Never doubt yourself. I know how much you love me...but I want you to move forward and live your life to it's fullest. You deserve that and nothing would make me happier." You will most certainly be dealing with "survivor guilt"....meaning questioning why YOU are still living, while your mother is not. Please reach out to a counselor at school. You need someone to point you in the direction of help. What a strong and courageous person you are! Bless you.

Comment on I'm not sure I'm ready to take care of two parents plus two kids.

wellspouse02 — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 13:45:13 -0000

For your dad, there is also the Well Spouse™ Association, http://wellspouse.org , that offers support to the spousal caregiver.

Comment on Ten years of caring for my mom have worn Dad out. My sisters want him to do more, but I don't.

dragon fly — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 05:26:28 -0000

I wana why the people who are not helping with there parents with dementa , or alzheimers, are always the first to say 'I dont want (fill in the blank) to go to a care center to live". but these people havent lifted a finger to help the care giver and wont take there parent to there own house? some siblings are selfish and dont want to share the responsability or caring for a parent, but thay fell free to tell the sibling who is taking care of a parent, how the cow ate the cabbage! in my opinion if a sibling dosent show eany intrest in there pareent at all the sibling who is the care giver should do what that think is best for there parent, regardless of what the other says. weather its to place them some place or keep them home,as long as the parent is not being physicaly, or mentaly abused, or neglected in eany way, its up to the care giver the best way to handel the situation.

Comment on I'm wracked with guilt for enjoying life again now that my husband is in a care home.

SoniaLosAngeles — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 21:55:07 -0000

I like that the writer provided steps for her that are doable. He also supported her right and desire to keep living outside of the facility and with healthy friends. He supported her dignity while acknowledging that he is still her husband.

Comment on My mom just died, and I don't know how to be "normal" anymore.

Jane207 — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 01:54:10 -0000

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing your Mom at sixteen, after years of care-taking, is both emotionally and physically draining. It is important that you be able to express your sorrow and your pain so that you will be able to heal. Maybe you don't have to put on a false front. It seems to me it would be okay to let people know you are feeling sad and lost. Of course you are! One source of comfort for me in dealing with loss has been to read books about it. In doing so I have found understanding and sympathy in the writer's words. One to try might be "How it Feels When a Parent Dies" by Jill Krementz. if you look this up on Amazon, you will also see other titles that may appeal to you. Or go to the public library and ask the librarian for suggestions. Perhaps at school there is an adult whom you trust, a guidance counselor or teacher who can point you in the right direction for grief counseling or who can provide refuge when you are feeling overwhelmed in school. You have suffered a great loss. Be gentle with yourself and patient. I send you love and prayers.

Comment on My mom just died, and I don't know how to be "normal" anymore.

Eldercoach — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 15:57:46 -0000

I'm reemphasizing the advice about finding a group to support you. Since you lost your mother at such a young age, you may find that most of your friends can't really understand and support you as much as you need. I'd suggest you seach on line for support groups or organizations for Motherless Daughters.

Comment on I'm wondering if my daughter has any feelings!

chasac46 — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 02:09:18 -0000

We lost my younger brother-in-law 23 years ago in an industrial accident. He was 38 and left a wife and two very young children. Until her death, my mother-in-law used to say that there was nothing worse in life than a mother burying her son. Of course, this woman is normal; the daughter should show more consideration. After all, he was he brother! May the Lord giver them comfort.

Comment on I'm wondering if my daughter has any feelings!

lovells — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 03:31:57 -0000

To all of you who have lost a child like myself; I share your pain. wish I had the wisdom to say something that has helped me. Truth is there is no cure for this. I weep for all of you and ask God to give us the strength to somehow keep going. Everyday that passes is a day we will be closer to those who went before us & before their time.

Comment on I'm not sure I'm ready to take care of two parents plus two kids.

Sunshine22 — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 21:03:22 -0000

Caregivers are under so much stress - emotionally and physically - it's almost impossible to take good care of themselves. I was the primary caregiver for my mother until I finally burned out and had to get some help. I was nervous about hiring an outside caregiver, but a friend recommended using an agency that offers ClearCare care management software and it has been a lifesaver! I can stay completely involved in my mother's care, but still have some time off. I log into ClearCare's website anytime to make sure my mother has been fed, given her medication, and that the caregiver is at her house as scheduled. I highly recommend any family caregiver to try this time-saving solution.

Comment on I'm wondering if my daughter has any feelings!

PSDJ — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 16:51:14 -0000

My oldest child, daughter who is 34, married with two beautiful children and a husband who adores her, is, bascially a very self absorbed person. I hate to say this, but her father also is the same way. We are divorced, since 1988. My mother, too, has a similar personality. It is always about her. This daughter is much admired, I think, by a lot of her friends. And she has a very wide social circle. She is quite known for her taste in decorating, her appearance, her beautiful children, and her outrageously big personality. She is tall and blond and very eye catching, wears clothes well. And she will put on high heels even though she is already 5'10". She then towers above a lot of people around her, including her husband, and she seems to like it that way. It has been mentioned to me by someone who has known her very well for a long time that she displays traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. I can see that, and all of her life I really just thought she was this very forceful, independent person whose 'gifts' could be channeled. This came from the fact that my mother, who interestingly is very much like my daughter, was never nice to me, told me I was "so stinking independent no man will ever want you" (this was when I was a young teenager), she told me once that she "never really bonded" with me. I felt unloved and not what they wanted, so I never wanted my daughter to feel like I did. Inferior, unloved. After a major family blow up during a holiday that she caused, we did not speak and she began a campaign to keep me from her children and also involve her sister who wasn't even here. She has removed me from her family pictures on her social networking and now her dad, who she claimed to despise and who never paid her any attention, and she are thick as theives. HE is the grandparent she makes sure her kids see, he is the one has has 'empathy' for. And she simply lies which I know, because things have come back to me from various other family members about things she has said to them. Worse, I think she rewrites her reality and believes her lies. I love her but I really see no hope in repairing this relationship. She has proactively and vindictively destroyed it. I am very close to my son, who is a grateful and kind individual. He is 31 and recently married. The sincerity and love of the friends and family that attended and his beautiful choice of a woman cemented those opinions of both of them. He has Type 1 diabetes and was diagnossed 9 years ago, at 22. We have almost lost him several times when he has had a "low" episode. He also built a career and moved several times so many times I have been worried about him, he has been living alone, out of town and with frequent moves, not a lot of people near him who would be there in an emergency. He has also at times, fallen backwards, not eating correctly or missing meals, having a drink when he shouldn't have, going on a long, strenuous run and gotten too low too fast. But he mostly has managed a difficult transition into living with a terrible chronic disease and grown into a wonderful man and now husband. My daughter was always judgemental and cold when he would have issues with his diabetes, saying that I needed to not show him any sympathy if he had a problem because this was controllable and this was basically therefore his fault. I thought that she really cared for him and this is her way of showing her concern - getting "mad" when he had an ER visit or hit his head and passed out, etc. Now I really do think, in retrospect, that she was JEALOUS of the attention he got for being ill. Only YOU know if you child is selfish and/or not quite right in the head OR if "this is just her way of greiving". I feel I have greived many times at the prospect of losing my son, as he has come very close to death due to this illness. We have discussed that if his kidneys ever failed he would not want to live with dialysis or non rejection drugs for a transplant and he wrote a will when he was only 22, something many young people never have to think about when they are newly graduated from college and starting life. He also quit football which provided a scholarship to pay for school in his Sr. year, not knowing what was wrong, before his diagnosis. He was just too sick to continue playing. And after losing his dad after we divorced, really all he felt he had was his athletic ability and his strength and health. And then that seemed ripped from him too. He had a lot of reasons to feel hopeless for a while, but he came through it. And his sister seems to want to punish him for his faults and make him feel bad that he confided in me rather than in HER. I have had to let go of her. There is not much I see left to build with her because she is in a word, treacherous. I pray for her, I still deeply love her. Yet she keeps her children from me, she has lied and badmouthed me to family members and to her sister, my 3rd child, who I have a strained relationship with now as well. She told me that she realizes that "she can't be close to me when she knows that I am not close to her sister". And that her sister has "opened her eyes" as to how much I "abused" her. She also claims I did nothing to help her financially through college - not true. It goes on and on. Sad.

Comment on I'm wondering if my daughter has any feelings!

Queen B — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 12:55:55 -0000

Everyone accepts things in their own way. I to lost my only son & that was in '04' he was barely 18. I cannot tell you of the pain in my heart & soul, this is everyday. It never lessens for me. My daughter handles this in her own way, I guess. She has only been to his gravesite a couple of times. She has 4 beautiful babies. It only helps me a tiny bit, too think that God needed him more than I did. BUT, I still do not understand why. I was in a bad car acc. in '03' & wish that God would've taken me instead. I lived my life, raised my 2 babies & was good with that. My son was just starting his life. Had 1 babie girl already & another on the way, that he never got too meet. Really, it's not fair if you ask me. If your a mother & read this, my heart, love & BIG hugs go out to you. Be blessed as always...

Comment on I'm wondering if my daughter has any feelings!

Anonymous — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 19:46:22 -0000

Some of the words on here are truly good. I also have a daughter whom I tried to love her as she is, but that was very hard and she will not even speak to me anymore. She is 43 years old and cannot accept me as I am. She tried to change me and how I think. She is very controlling. Her father passed away 3 years ago. She has only been to my home 2 twice since then. I continue to send birthday cards and such to her and her husband and my 2 grandsons, hoping she will realize what she is doing to our family. Everyone says she will be sorry for what she is doing but, it may not come soon enough.

Comment on My mom is taking advantage of my grandparents

Anonymous — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 00:33:14 -0000

My mother has lived with my GP for 7+ years. She has been a pretty good caregiver. She has a lot of undesireable issues but I've always given her credit for taking care of my grandparents. Having said that, everything seems to be falling about apart. 1 year ago my uncle (moms brother) and his wife and his two sons (20 and 14) and moved in...actually they came over to stay with my GP's while my mom went on vaction and they never left. They have spent thousands of dollars because they are compulsive buyers but did I mention how disgustingly lazy they are?? They are like locusts...they find a nice clean place..they slowly destroy it and then move on to another nice area. The reason they arent going back to their own home is because its destroyed. No hot water, roof falling in, and completely trashed inside. So, now they are trashing my grandparents. It is heartbreaking!! My grandmother always kept a beautiful home. My grandfather was always tinkering on a lawnmower or car. Last weekend my husband and I went over there and cleaned and painted put up railings, etc. We worked for over 12 hours in prep for my Grandpa coming home from the hospital..(he broke his hip). A week later, I went over there tonite and it is a total mess! My sister and I think it would be better if we could sell the house and move them into a facility with professionals. okay, what do ya'll think?

Comment on How do I convince my dad to get tested for dementia?

Tiskit Tasket — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 04:05:20 -0000

I keep a spiral notebook for a journal of behaviors and changes, date each entry. It is a good idea to include medications, medical history, and any other vital information in it. It is a great way to document everything.

Comment on Ten years of caring for my mom have worn Dad out. My sisters want him to do more, but I don't.

MelanieD — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 13:40:41 -0000

Thank you for all of you insights. Mom is doing the best she can and I just hae to trust her to tell me when she needs help. That's where we are at right now. My brother who lives close by them is of the mind that "She (mom) made this commitment and this is her vow; in sickness and health." I feel like he could be more involved and helpful but he feels they need to make it by themselves as long as possible. Being so far away it's hard to know just how things are there. I have to be patient and do what I can to keep moms spirit up thru the phone, letters and small gifts to brighten her day. It's all I really can do right now. it help to hear the experiences that you all have had.

Comment on Ten years of caring for my mom have worn Dad out. My sisters want him to do more, but I don't.

Anonymous — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 14:42:51 -0000

My Dad passed this year of alzheimer's. My Mom had a terrible time when it came to putting him in the nursing home. But one day, I finally told her "I can't help him, but I can you." Mom was physically & emotionally going down. I told her I wasn't ready to lose both of them. This is what happens, the caregiver is exhausted. I watched my grandpa do the same thing with my maternal grandma, who also had alzheimers. My grandpa passed first. Your dad needs help. It will be hard for all to put her in a home, but it does become easier. This isn't about your sisters. It's about what is best for both of your parents. Good Luck! Praying...

Comment on My fiance broke off our engagement because he said caring for my mom has taken over my life.

Paula1224 — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 14:42:59 -0000

I am a single mom of two kids about to start college this year. My mom has Alzheimer's. This is a very scary thing, being on the care side of the disease knowing it could be my future. I watch my children with my mom and it makes my heart swell with pride because they are so patience, kind, and loving. They know this could be me someday and we talk about it. I have told my kids to put me someplace safe and to move on with their lives. I don't want my children to be in the situation you are now facing. I want my children to live their lives to the fullest. If you want to be on the West coast, then move back there. Take your mom out west with you and place her somewhere close so you can keep an eye on her and visit her. She would not want you to give up your hopes and dreams for her. As far as the fiance is concerned, thank God he is gone. What if something happened to you or a child of yours in the future? He would be out the door in a flash. This may have been a parting gift from your mom, showing you just what kind of a man he really was. As your mom's disease progresses it will become more difficult for you. You need to be surrounded by friends and the things/places that bring you comfort. If that is the west coast, then go, nothing is stopping you. Live your life, make your mom proud, and know she loves you and wants that for you.

Comment on Ten years of caring for my mom have worn Dad out. My sisters want him to do more, but I don't.

navywife — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 23:55:27 -0000

Enter "Mom's" doctor. When my MIL exhibited very strange behavior while visiting her younger son and his family, she was admitted to the hospital. After tests determined her physical and mental condition, the attending physician said he would not release her unless she went straight to a nursing home. My husband had just been declared disabled. Mom lived in our home for five years and became more and more demanding of my husband because he was at home all day. We could not care for her any more. She needed specialized care. It was hard on everyone involved. There's a great feeling of loss. We visited her in the nursing home several times a week and brought treats. Make sure your mother is touched often. Hold her hand. The Family Advisor has given you excellent advice.

Comment on How do I tell my parents they can't live with us anymore?

Doris pink — Sun, 14 Aug 2011 22:29:34 -0000

I am Doris used every single spell worker on the internet, spent untold amounts of money and discovered they are all fakes...i was the fool though; doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. In the end, I decided that I wanted a tarot reading to know what my future held for me; I contacted a woman who lives locally to me and she told me about a man named (priests meruja); he does not advertise on the internet, has another job for income, has no set prices, makes no false promises and refuses to help anyone that cannot be helped and even helps for free sometimes, he will give you proof before taking money. He is a wonderful man and he was the only person who actually gave me real results. I really hope he doesn't mind me advertising his contact on the internet but I'm sure any help/ extra work will benefit him.contact him as nativedoctor101@live.com He travel sometimes.love marriage,finance, job promotion ,lottery Voodoo,poker voodoo,golf Voodoo,Law & Court case Spells,money voodoo,weigh loss voodoo,any sicknesses voodoo,Trouble in marriage,it's all he does Hope this helps everyone that is in a desperate situation as I once was; I know how it feels to hold onto something and never have a chance to move on because of the false promises and then to feel trapped in wanting something more.

Comment on How do I convince my dad to get tested for dementia?

theboysnan — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 23:50:33 -0000

Carol O'Dell's answer is beautiful. "Focus on how you treat him now...." . Our loved ones need to feel valued, not patronized. Dignity is so important, especially in a man who has felt responsible and valued throughout his life. Hard to remember as the disease progresses and the person we have known and loved seems to be leaving us. Sometimes gentle touch is our only real communication.

Comment on How do I convince my dad to get tested for dementia?

Anonymous — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 16:35:39 -0000

My Husband was always the strongest and most loving Person in my Life.This Dementia has took a big part of him from me .I Pray every day that i can stay strong enough to help him through this.

Comment on My brother won't share financial information about our dad's assets, and it's tearing the family apart.

Hedwig — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 02:05:16 -0000

The answer carries an implicit assumption that the brother shares the same values as his siblings. Sadly, a person in his position may not share their interest in the father's care and in fact may see his own financial interests as the main priority. In that case there is no level playing field for negotiation. He wants what he wants and will have no motive to compromise, negotiate or share info. A prey creature cannot negotiate with a predator.

Comment on My mother is giving my adult son money behind my back, and I think he's using it to buy pot!

X24/7CARTAKER — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 01:21:49 -0000

THE ANALYSIS WAS PERFECT...ALL 3 PEOPLE HAVE A ROLE IN FIXING THE PROBLEM WITHOUT BEING LOUD AND NEGATIVE...MOM TALKS TO SON AND GRAM TOGETHER..AND CALMLY LET BOTH KNOW THAT YOU ARE AWARE OF WHAT IS GOING ON AND SAY THAT SOME OF THE FAULT IS YOURS AND YOU WOULD LIKE TO FIND OUT WHAT THEIR THOUGHTS ARE AND THEN YOU CAN MAKE YOUR SUGGESTIONS...WELL DONE MOM!!

Comment on My grandmother is so mean that no one wants to visit her!

sistercris — Sat, 06 Aug 2011 15:34:10 -0000

My mom can be cruel too though she has a lot of good characteristics. The way I cope is by telling myself 1. She cannot help this: her soul was crushed by the unfortunate circumstances of her childhood. 2. Work on my own soul. I am not necessarily a religious person but the idea of a soul, a loving conscience, is front and center in my mind. I think and read about maliciousness, psychopaths (people without a conscience), etc. and I try in my own life to resist the contagion of malice, to take care of my own mental health and find the resources in my own life that will help me not end up bitter and mean like many of the elderly women we are talking about, including my own mother. Some days I cry when I think of what I am missing in a mother - someone who cared about me and was concerned about the things that affected my life. Someone I could talk to about my deepest feelings. But that's life, nobody is guaranteed a perfect family. I think of my mom as broken and unable to make choices. She has no freedom of will, she just reacts in the patterns that were ground into her as a young girl. Paradoxically, by adopting this way of understanding her, I can see her better moments, skimpy as they may be, as great strength given her situation of a life of disappointment. I can also examine my own tendency to become angry, judgmental and mean when I am worn out and tired. I can see how other people's malice can infect my own state of mind. Then I can let things go that I might otherwise allow to fester and turn me bitter the same way she has turned out. I can be easy on myself and see that I too can be caught up in the psychodynamics of being human. Hope that makes sense. Another thing I have been able to do is defend myself instantly when mom insults me. But then again she is less mean to me than she is to my other sisters. She treats my middle sister like the goat of the family - my middle sister is a wonderful, wonderful woman who I love dearly. But if I try to defend her my mother lashes out at me. So I just listen to my sister and commiserate and support her modes of defending herself. I guess that is another thing - these siblings who stay away might be being treated worse than ourselves. I know it is the case with my middle sister. My mom thinks she is such a loser, she told me she prays for my nephew, my sister's son, because of his home life. Well his home life is pretty darn good, it is my mom's blindness that leads her to think he is somehow getting the short end of the stick. It really makes me sick to hear it but again I have to put it all in the package that is my mom's hell of her own misery and deal with it like I said already.

Comment on I can't convince my brother to let our mother, who's in the late stage of Alzheimer's, go peacefully.

paulagame — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 19:00:00 -0000

The decision to prolong life is very personal. To me, it depends on the condition of the loved one. Hospitals and nursing homes will ALWAYS recommend a feeding tube because it is their job to keep the patient alive as long as possible. I refused a feeding tube for my father because he was bedridden, didn't know anyone or ANYTHING, he was in constant physical pain. The nursing home pushed hard for a feeding tube but I couldn't allow my father to suffer any longer. Even his doctor told me that he might not survive the procedure and that the tubes often caused infections that would likely kill him. I believe that allowing a person with zero life - not just quality of life but actually tormented by life - is wrong. It is a personal decision and I don't want anyone else (insurance, health, etc.) making that decision for me, but I want the right to make that decision for myself. It is not murder to allow a person to die naturally and with dignity.

Comment on My grandmother is so mean that no one wants to visit her!

kunzite52 — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 15:37:56 -0000

You cannot change your family. Some will not want to visit, that is on them when the end of life comes to the parent. Your anger with them will interfere with your life, keep a teflon soul and let all the anger and resentment, let their words simply roll off your back, it will certainly make you a better person. With grouchiness, as I did with my mom, I realized her grumpy attitude had little to do with what she was really upset about. I changed the subject or used kindness in response to her words that hurt. "Are you feeling OK Mom, is there anything I can get for you?" Sometimes I would sneak upstairs and call her sister in Holland as I knew she could cheer her up. Then I would have her call back and simply say, "Mom, you have a phone call." She would ask grouchily who is it, but I would simply hand her the phone. Try not to take on the anger of your parent or your family, you must keep yourself healthy and walk or do something where you can release that tension. Your life and hers or his will be better for it. We cannot change them, but we can change how we deal with them. They won't change, but you can. I know this sounds far too easy, and it took me years to get it, but once I did, my life was far better.

Comment on Do I keep my parent's secret -- or be the rat?

CA-Claire — Thu, 28 Jul 2011 19:54:02 -0000

One thing to remember is that this is not just YOUR parents - they are your siblings parents as well. It takes more than a village to care for parents when they get older. Delaying telling your siblings will only create more difficulties in the end. Just because you are closer geographically and emotionally to your parents, doesn't mean that your siblings don't care. I have been in this situation my entire life. Closer geographically and emotionally. Ask your father one more time about bringing your siblings in on the diagnosis. If he still says no, I would have a 'family' conference - children and parents only - no in-laws or grandchildren. We did this and it was quite effective. Each person got a turn to speak, we chose going oldest to youngest - one person speaking at a time. The parents were the only ones that could interrupt or comment. We then went around a second time to allow each of us to comment or address concerns that the other sibs had expressed. You could be the moderator, and at the end recap what the siblings wishes are, and how your parents could help. Sometimes it helps to have the siblings meet without parents first, then meet with parents. My siblings and I have regular email meetings, and we make sure that at least once a year, or more frequently as needed, we get together without parents to address any concerns. IF YOU HAD EVER TOLD ME THAT MY SIBLINGS AND I COULD RATIONALLY GET TOGETHER FOR THE GOOD OF OUR PARENTS, I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT YOU WERE OUT OF YOUR MIND. It is amazing what one common goal, care for aging parents, can do to help family unity. Give it your all, and it will compound for the good of your parents.

Comment on I'm wracked with guilt for enjoying life again now that my husband is in a care home.

jaksocialworker — Thu, 28 Jul 2011 16:13:38 -0000

I have a friend whose husband is in a nursing home and does not recognize her. She goes to NHC every day about 8:00 a.m. and stays until his bedtime around 6:00 p.m. In the years since he has been in the facility, she has lost weight, her face is drawn and exhaustion is visible throughout her body. I agree with the advise that was given, but I would add, this must be an individual, sou-searching decison that only the person can decide they can live with. Because at the end of the day, I think a person will always want to say with conviction", I truly did all that I could do for my loved one"

Comment on My grandmother is so mean that no one wants to visit her!

candigrl74 — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 01:55:38 -0000

Your situation sounds so familiar to me because its much like my own. My mother passed away years ago and I must now fill the shoes of my mother to my grandmother. My grandmother has another daughter, my aunt, who is alive and has 3 daughters all are older than me, I am the youngest (37, i was 28 when my mom passed) and only child,in the bunch. So when my mom died, I felt responsible to my grandmother, especially because her other daughter (my aunt)and grandchildren never visited or called,ever or very little. While i understand my grandmothers feelings are hurt about it and I feel slighted because none of them even her daughter help her (grandma). I have come to realize why, My grandmaother is horrible and mentally abusive. I know it is a toxic relationship we have but i stick around anyway. Grandma is so bad that she has caused friction in my marriage and my moms and aunt marrige and relationships too. When my mom died I told my grandmother I would take care of her, words I mean but regret saying. she expects me to call everyday,if I don't there is hell to pay. she tells me that i need to take an antidepressent(which i do), she claims i am nasty to helr and "how can you talk to me that why?" but when iask her how I am being disrespectful she cannot back it up or says you know what your doing. She tells me how I need to "kiss her ass" becuase shes older and she has done so much for me. It is true she has lent me money small sums,but i need to kiss her ass, as if she gave me lifeShe is very superficial, it all comes down to monitistic gifts not true love. She is very critical, once i gave her a gift and she put it down, saying it looked cheap. She has told me that if my husbend is out its because he is cheating. When i was prgnant my OBGYN told me that i was not to have relations with her because I was high risk and it could her the baby. i understand why my Aunt has nothing to do with her, but at the sametime she could help somewhat, but she doesn't, because grandma had favorites , me and my mom. we never asked to be ffavorites and my aunt and her children resent me and my mom. They live in a country community and bad mouth nme all of the time, which is easy to do because I dont live there but I still hear aboutit from timew to time when i visit old friends from there. When my aunt had my grandma placed agianst her will, supposed ly, she went and found a copy of the will. Since she found out where she stands, she went from being careing and loveing to mean and she even stole things form grandma. In a way grandma deserves it, because she dangled the will above everyone and used it as a weapon. It gets worse and I could go on. I am going to say the worse advise is to accept it,why acceapt being mentally abused? I used to think she would change,but she won't, and you can try to retrain her, but don't expect it to work. Its sounds as if she just is a horrible person by nature. You need to tell her the truth, she acts horrible and is negitive, ask her if she realizes it? When she displays her horrible behavior, call her out. When she complains about how nobody visits, ask her if she knows why? Then let yourself off the hook and hang on! Because, I can almost guarenty she WILL NOT RESPECT YOU FOR IT! She will probly be flabergasted you made these comments, but someone should. Let her know you mean bussiness. She onlt complains to you because you take it. You don't have to and shouldn't, mainly because its family and she shouldnt bad moth your/her blood. Reduce your calls and visits, don't beat yourself up. You are a human being who has feelings, and why should you or your mom keep her happy? she is the adult and should know, especially if her mind is spot on. She is at an age where shes not going to change, you can though and you have the power to influence the situation. You remain postive and limit your visits just as you have been. Remember you don't always have to pickuup the phone and you don't always have to make time for her. You have a life too. I give you permission to do all of these things, i wish someone would tell me these things. I will think of you when my situation gets bad, i will think atleast i am not alone. i hope you keep me in mind too so you don't feel so lonely. Best of luck with your grandmonster.

Comment on My grandmother is so mean that no one wants to visit her!

louri2 — Sat, 16 Jul 2011 18:18:40 -0000

it is very hard to have some one,, who cant be positive about any thing,,, in our case my mom has emotional and memory issues ect no matter how much we want her to change,, she can only do it for the moment forgets,, and we are back a square one,,, we have learn to work with her even when we were kids,age has only made it harder for her and us,,,to not take it personally is hard ,,keep visits short and focused and if yu have the option of others in family ,,helping do ,,,some times it takes a village to care for an elder,,, some times inlisting neighbors and freinds,, to help,, re direct,, we have wonderful neighbors that understood the situation ,,, were and are a blessing to her and us also,,, to realize that most of the time ,,,if they could love yu the way yu want they would,,another incident was when i took and elderly gentlman to sunday school,,, he alway said no one came to vist,, of his family,,, turns out they were there,, for him ,,as much as they were able,,, he just couldnt remember ,,,or want us to belive that for for extra attention,,,, often they forget from one time to another what we are doing for them,,,and to them it seems we really arnt doing enough,,, not taking it personally is the best way to deal with it but also the hardest,,, i know,,,

Comment on My grandmother is so mean that no one wants to visit her!

Anonymous — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 15:07:39 -0000

My father-in-law is the same way. A bully and a cheat. Time and again, he will ask my wife for help with some project (something that may take 100's of hours of work), and he will offer to pay, but everytime, he agrees to some hourly rate but says "let me just pay you at the end in one lump sum." and then stiffs his own children. Not surprising I suppose since we had to invite some of our friends to his 90th, since most of his, including his sister refused to come.

Comment on Getting care has turned my sister into a taker!

Anonymous — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 13:34:02 -0000

I worry that perhaps your sister knows more about her prognosis than she is telling you. Going on disability sounds like maybe chemo is buying her time, not a cure. Maybe it bothers you so much because you haven't faced the fact she very well may die from her cancer recurrence. And she has had 3 blows ,not 2. cancer twice and her husband died. Most people would have difficulty with only one of those events. Two of my friends have had their cancer come back and both have told me the second diagnosis was far more devastating than the first . One died, the other just had a bone marrow transplant and we have our fingers crossed. The point is, put yourself in your sister;s place. Her cancer CAME BACK and her husband DIED! That is enough for anyone to bear let alone someone who is in a fight for their life! Have patience, be kind. It is the nicest thing you can do for your sister right now. If she is lucky enough to make it through all of this and she is well, then you can have a talk with her about her attitude and self-sufficiency. Till then, love her,just love her.

Comment on My grandmother is so mean that no one wants to visit her!

sandwconsult — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 11:21:51 -0000

If the grand daughter follows the above advice about 'confronting' and 'retraining' Granny, she better be prepared for her grandmother to tell her to leave and never return. That woman is 90 years old. She has had a lot of years to practice being nasty. Of course she is trying to get attention. She has outlived all or most of her peers (some of which may have enjoyed getting together for a gripefest) and she is probably frightened of the future.

Comment on My grandmother is so mean that no one wants to visit her!

madcitywoman — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 17:53:04 -0000

Oh this is so much like my mother who's 84, unfortunately she was difficult my whole life and after 50 it snowballed. I was also told she was a bully and manipulative. I drove 200 hundred miles again recently to visit my son and my grandchildren, one of which was just past newborn, I hadn't been able to meet yet. I gave her advance notice that I wanted to spend as much time with my grandkids as I could as I only have the opportunity to visit once a year but I wanted to visit her. She and my son are estranged though they live very near each other and when I mention her great-grandkids, she says, she dosen't have any. This past visit I went to see her n she was angry that I wasn't there sooner. I confronted her calmly that her ongoing behavoir made it difficult to visit her and if she could not get past it, I could not stay to visit at this time. She told me to go and never come back! I did leave, but it made me so sad it overshadowed the rest of my visit with my grandchildren to the point I ended my visit earlier than I planned. Even after returning home I was in shock and then depressed for over a week. I had hoped this time of her and my life would be a chance to make peace, remineise, and more. I feel I never really got to know her and never will.

Comment on I feel cornered: My siblings assume I'll look after our parents simply because I live the closest.

Anonymous — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 16:58:47 -0000

to the person with the 90 year old jerk father in law. I think someone namely BOTH you and your wife should have a stern talking to about his manners towards family members and behavior outside the house. He does it because like a child, he has been let run lose and gets away with it. Tell him you will no longer take him out, etc. unless he changes his ways. as our parents age (my Dad is 100) you have to be parent and they are child and need to be "reminded" of what is considered acceptable behavior. When my dad throws a temper tantrum, i scold him like a child and he immediatetly stops. Good luck. As for the article as a whole, i agree about starting these family talks with all siblings ASAP. You must note the obvious not only to your parents but to your siblings that you also have a life and a family to tend to (plus job etc.) and you cannot do it all on your own for two parents. Everyone's life is going to have to make adjustments so it's best they get used to the idea now and even write it up so no one "forgets" what they may be called upon todo, whether that be monetary contributions, finindg proper care at home or a nursing home, assisted living, whatever the situation is. I was assumed to take the role being the younger one, and still single so i had "no responsibilities." My friend was also in the same situation and his two older sisters lived out of state. he could not continue being there alone for all his parents needs and had them sell their house and move to his sisters' state so they could take turns running them to doctor's appointments, cheicking in on them, doing errands etc. If the burden is shared, it is less streesful for everyone. Truest me, having a parent suddenly living weith you or needing all your time is a marriage wrecker so take precaustions now.

Comment on My grandmother is so mean that no one wants to visit her!

1db — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 14:55:32 -0000

This is my Mom to a T. It is to the point no one wants to be with her. When I tell her to stop or no one wants to be with her she says GOOD ! I don't want them around anyway ! But then complains no one comes to see her or sh has not heard from anyone. I keep my mouth shut and do what I can. I have no help and this is exhausting.Some days I am so angry at my family but really I can't blame them.

Comment on My brother got Dad's inheritance, and I feel resentful that he's not sharing.

Emily M. — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 18:41:40 -0000

Hi Anonymous, Thank you very much for sharing with the community. One great place to share experiences and get advice is in our forums section, here: ( http://www.caring.com/forums ). In addition if you'd like you can post any question you have in our Ask & Answer section, here: ( http://www.caring.com/ask ). Take care -- Emily | Community Manager

Comment on How do I tell my parents they can't live with us anymore?

va accredited agent — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 09:24:20 -0000

There may be some help for them and you. The va will pay for home care services, this will take some of the burden off you and your family.

Comment on My brother got Dad's inheritance, and I feel resentful that he's not sharing.

Anonymous — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 05:20:49 -0000

I am glad there is a board, everyone can vent , ask questions, and share their experiences, let's you know your not alone, my stepfather -father more of a father than my biological father, had been part of my family over 45yrs. Since his passing my mother 80yrs has become very needy, and is not in good health, on top of normal elderly stubborness, childness, has mental illness, when her own psych doctor, tells me and and my sister GOOD LUCK, you guys are going to have fun!! WTH and quits being her DR thanks and doesn't give us any guidance, but anyway I am setting up the scenario we are dealing with, well since the funeral my eldest brother, also a stepchild to my stepfather, my half brother, we share same mother different fathers, shows up like he's concerned about our mother, and his prize wife(being sarcastic) sleeps eats and complains, lazy as all, they have gone from house to house, living with all three of there own adult children, now free loading off of our mother, granted it is great having someone with her 24 -7 but they don't pay any utilities fine, I am the executor, and have DPOA through my stepfather's estate and mother signed all the paperwork also, My stepfather was always afraid she would wind up in a nursing home, which me and my sister agreed and I promised him I would not let happen, he was passed away suddenly from cancer, but now to my question or asking opinion, my brother who in the past NO phone calls, no Christmas cards, burnt them on a co signed car note, for one instance, (they are both insulin dependent diabetics, he is surviving cancer, neither in good health (both in early 60's) shows up with everything they own in a small car, moves in with mom, by the way I lived with her plus 6 months prior fulltime,before that many stops before and after work, taking care of her house, my house, husband, child, pets, and full time job, acts like they are doing her a favor thinks they should get paid for staying there, They pay no rent utilities now, They signed up for internet cable phone etc in her name saying they would pay the diffference, well that's a joke. Dont keep her house cleaned to her standards our mine or anyones, (when they owned their own home totally slobs) Cant' mow the grass health too bad they claim, but can go out with friends, make to the horse track weekly - My daughter and I still mow and clean her house, with them living there my other sister helps with her Dr appts, shopping etc. I think this is bs YOur thoughts and opinions? All he talks about is what money our mother has in the bank, Should I toss them out? The part that is hard is trying to find someone to stay with her, one you can trust, two doesn't cost a fortune. She is stubborn refuses to live with me our my sister, but can't be left alone, starting to fall too much, and needs some assistantance bathing etc no longer cooks, This whole situation just is crazy I am getting ready to go off on my brother, He blames his whole lifes short comings on everyone else and thinks our mother owes him something, Opinions very much appreciated thanks

Comment on Should I tell my father that Mom is dying?

Messenger — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 17:19:29 -0000

My mom hardly recognized my dad at his funeral. I had to explain over and over who that was in the casket. Finally it clicked and she cried a bit. Afterwards however, as time went by, she kept asking where daddy was and I'd tell her and she'd cry again. Finally I just said he is out cutting the lawn and she was fine with that. She was in an Alzheimer's nursing facility at that point. I believe in honesty as a rule, but with Alzheimer's you may as well go with what ever keeps them happy and content. Explanations are just confusing to them as they approach that time when nothing makes sense and they are frightened and often belligerant.

Comment on My brother got Dad's inheritance, and I feel resentful that he's not sharing.

TMAX — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 18:26:28 -0000

Learned "What goes around comes around" had a brother who swindled ,family estates & Aunts money, everyone died within a year dad,mom,aunt, you didn't know that your brother was a monster, he had human skin, and controlled family biz, he had everthing given to him on a silver platter, guess wasn't enough ,GREED, frigging terrible . Told him you don't have to deal with me , "god" will set record straight and I'm personally worried about the outcome!! He laughed in my face , new house, car, trips, I only wanted one answer WHY? no answer came!! "Poof" about 5years later , he lost just about everything , from tax audits and stuff everything went down the tube, had nervous breakdown, biz, burnt down, had cancer on his lip!!! Who bailed him out so he didn't go jail & saved his marriage ==you guessed it his loving faithfull brother that he ripped off his inheritance !! Finally he did answer WHy? Somekind of compulsive control disorder he said. He's still trying to slowly put things 100% back together 12years later it's been along process but I'm keeping "faith"!!!!! +++++++++++++Tmax __One Man Army+++++++++++++++++++++

Comment on My brother got Dad's inheritance, and I feel resentful that he's not sharing.

TMAX — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 18:18:02 -0000

Comment on My brother got Dad's inheritance, and I feel resentful that he's not sharing.

TMAX — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 17:59:36 -0000

"What goes around comes around" myself I wanted to keep my small family together after a "greedy" brother plotting to steal our family & Aunt 's money! It was terrible the worst thing that could happen besides "death" ? it also caused my dads death who had a slip & fall & went "poof" over it!! Stealing of my Aunts money upset me the most, her home, & cash that was left to my mom,which was to be shared,but mom she got cancer & died before her!! In the end they all died within a year to the day ,mom, dad, aunt {wipeout}!!! i kept the faith & trusted in God to set the record straight he did but wasn't nice !! As my brother in the end,ended up loosing everything except his faithfull brother who turned the other "cheek" and only asked for one word answer "WHY"? He said he had a compulsive control disorder that made him "live out his actions"? How about all the lie's & stuff, one lie has to cover the other & just snowballs!!! happy to say my family getting put back together some 12years later & thank God that even though I don't have my cash on hand I have my family in tact !!!!"tough Gig" +++++++++++++Tmax +++One Man Army++++++++++++++++++++++

Comment on Should I be responsible for my father's funeral bill when he never paid child support for me?

Emily M. — Tue, 05 Jul 2011 18:21:36 -0000

Hi ggma, Thank you very much for your question. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, that must be very difficult for you. Here is an Ask & Answer page that you may find helpful for answering your questions: ( http://www.caring.com/questions/funeral-cost-assistance ). I hope that helps, take care -- Emily | Community Manager

Comment on Should I be responsible for my father's funeral bill when he never paid child support for me?

ggma — Tue, 05 Jul 2011 12:00:12 -0000

My grandson was murdered this weekend. He died July 2, 2011 at 4:30 in the morning of several gunshop which included one to the head. He was 21 years old and no life insurance. Is there any agency or assistance for something like this. His mother is unemployed and at this time and me and my spouse is retired and had just paid some of our bills which left us with less than $100.00 to live on until our next check comes the 3rd and 4th wednesday of this month. The furneral home wants all monies paid 48 hrs prior to funeral. Need assistance.

Comment on I think my brother is skimming money off Mom's accounts. How do I handle this without hurting my mom or making myself look like the bad guy?

cats22 — Sun, 03 Jul 2011 14:33:49 -0000

Gracie0315 - it's not so much to do solely with inheritance. Who will take care of their mother if the brother is indeed skimming from the accounts? Maybe it is more than skimming. Changing the address on the statements is illegal and the bank(s) need to be notified to change the address back. If the brother spends all his mother's money, will he contribute to her care when she is penniless or go 'oh dear - mom's broke and i can't/won't help'. Can he sister afford the burden or will their mother wind up ina nursing home because of the brothers' alleged current actions?

Comment on My brother got Dad's inheritance, and I feel resentful that he's not sharing.

cats22 — Sun, 03 Jul 2011 14:21:49 -0000

My mother-in-law passed away & left 75% of her estate (about $145,000 plus the entire proceeds from the sale or rental of the home) to her second son who was a successful lawyer. Her oldest son, my husband got 25% IF he did not contest the will. His brother has always been very devise and I really wonder... When their grandmother was in the hospital, when we showed up after driving all night to be there, the younger brother upped and left the hospital as he did not want, as he wrote in a note to their grandmother, to be around a smelly man or have him around his children. I just put it down to the younger brother lived a few roads away from their mother, able to mow her lawn and run errands for her while my hubby move out-of-state to be with his wife. What really hurt though was that their mother had been in the hospital for a month and we kept trying to reach her at home, not knowing this. When we finally did reach her, she stated she had told the younger brother to call us. The last time before she passed, the only way we found out she was in the hospital again was when my birthday card did not arrive as usual - very irregular for her so i started sleuthing as we were concerned. Family members helped us find where she was. There were a couple of calls btw the older son and his mother, but the younger son got the doctor to order NO CONTACT with any relative or anyone outside of the city. We were ready to go at a moment's notice but to be told even if you drive all that distance you won't be allowed to see your own mother before she passes?

Comment on I'm afraid my sister has become a pain-pill addict.

cats22 — Sun, 03 Jul 2011 14:01:24 -0000

Not everyone on pain meds for long times are abusers, people. I have been on two high powered meds for over 2 years due to an accident that left me totally handicapped (can't clean my home either and can no longer work). The pain is real. Yes, I have depression. Without a way to pay for it, I have not been able to seek that treatment. Also, the pain pills will stop unless money can be found. I don't want to say much as the civil case is still going on, but the sister may need a reduction in the meds or a different med. Some of the pain meds make you sleepy and as the sister described. Pain clinic doctors will do surprise urine tests and mine also makes you come in for a pill count separate from your monthly visit. Don't always believe the bad about people.

Comment on I'm afraid my sister has become a pain-pill addict.

cats22 — Sun, 03 Jul 2011 14:00:07 -0000

Comment on Our adult gay son is very ill, but my husband doesn't want to move closer to help.

lsspll — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 18:48:52 -0000

I cannot add to what has been beautifully said. This is the child the two of you brought into this world as a product of your love. You as his mother are being just that "a loving mother". Your husband must take the time to see how you feel being in the middle, and how his son must feel in his hour of need. I am not judging your husband, it is difficult for him but he must see the bigger picture and that is love......just a four letter word and yet the foundation for everything.

Comment on Our adult gay son is very ill, but my husband doesn't want to move closer to help.

lsspll — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 18:47:55 -0000

Comment on My brother has become totally dependent on me, and I'm feeling claustrophobic!

feelin — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 15:59:45 -0000

Very insightful on both parts (brother and sister's).

Comment on How do I tell my parents they can't live with us anymore?

Orly — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 18:33:13 -0000

We had this happen to us and it was a terrible mess. My husband and I had no privacy, everything was turned upside down. The relative had the beginning stages of dementia and no one believed us. I said to one person: "OK, you have her over for a while and see what happens." We like dogs, but with her the dog came first and I found dog hair in the freezer in ice cubes! We didn't have much of a support system, so I ended up calling the daughter that lives in TN. They came up and got everything and moved Jane down there with them. When my own mother was sick and needed to stay with someone, I found her a place near us in Assissted Living. She liked it there, and we were happy.

Comment on My mother-in-law needs to have her own place, rather than live with us -- but my husband disagrees.

texlas — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 15:19:00 -0000

You Know, It took almost 5 years for my MIL to accept that My husband and I were going to be together. I was brought up to believe, that when you marry, you'd better get used to the idea, that you are marrying a family, not a man. Unless your husbands family is totally dysfunctional, He will want to have them in his life. One day when my husband and I had been married for probably well over 20 years, She told me, that she thought I was a pretty good wife and daughter-in-law. Don't just give up. God gives us tests sometimes, just to help us grow. If you pass, You Will Be Happier.

Comment on I think my husband is using caregiving as an excuse to distance himself from our marriage.

ROSE A — Sun, 26 Jun 2011 08:07:50 -0000

@RFBrownPE- Are you a writer? If not you should be! Very nice comment. I do how ever have something to add. Jobs are hard to find with good ins, so if she does move to where her husband & his mother is @ I would hope she finds a job there first. To me I believe that a lot of comunication needs to be done, is there a way you can take a week off of work to spend time with your husband alone? I personally could not put up with my husband away so long. How bad is her health? I would & have taken care of both my parents before they passed, my mother then father a year later. I always made time for my husband, get on the bus & come home for a few days 2-3x month.We also talked on the phone each morning & night. We were/are lucky to have a understanding landlord that knew we couldnt pay rent @ times due to me having to give up my jobs 2 different times to care for my parents. Tough times, but with love & God we made it thru the difficult times. Best wishes to you & GOD BLESS YOU

Comment on Should I be responsible for my father's funeral bill when he never paid child support for me?

tazzie — Sat, 25 Jun 2011 19:22:17 -0000

need help to lay my father to rest

Comment on My mother-in-law needs to have her own place, rather than live with us -- but my husband disagrees.

Anonymous — Sat, 25 Jun 2011 04:22:14 -0000

While I agree that elders often have "so much to teach," the lessons are entirely contingent on the elder at issue. Some elders can teach that their intrusiveness, theatrics, and narcissism can destroy a nuclear family. There are simply some elders that are so toxic that the "grin and bear it" suggestion comes off as unrealistic and ill-conceived.

Comment on My father sounds like a naughty child when he makes excuses for his sexual advances to caregivers.

Anonymous — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 19:59:18 -0000

My 84 year old father just got arrested for grabbing a lady. He also has had mini strokes. And has never done anything like this in his life. Your story is so reassuring to know we're not alone. Thank you so much for posting this! My dad just did this a couple of days ago and is now being prosecuted and has a court case and spent a night in jail. It's the most humiliating thing I've ever been through! Good luck to you, and pray I'll quit crying.

Comment on I think my husband is using caregiving as an excuse to distance himself from our marriage.

CA-Claire — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 16:40:09 -0000

In looking back over the nearly 5 years that I have been caregiving, first for my husband, then my parents, this is a very good article to pay attention to. We, as caregivers always forget that ourselves and and our partner needs to come first.

Comment on I feel cornered: My siblings assume I'll look after our parents simply because I live the closest.

Anonymous — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 16:25:09 -0000

Wow, reading these makes me feel a lot better. Our marriage challenge has been that for a long time, my wife and I agreed on the problems BOTH of our parents were having as they aged (my mom is 87, my father-in-law is 90). My mom has early dementia, and will make up the most incredible lies to make herself look good when she has done something that hurts someone else in the family. My father-in-law also has early dementia, but since his wife died 4 years ago is incredibly demanding of my wife's time (we have to see him at least 4 times a week for meals, "meeetings," etc. This is one of the most rude & obnoxious people I know. It's not a good meal until he can get a yelling match going over some topic ( he definitely knows how to push my wife's buttons.) And if he doesn't get that 2nd martini fast enough watch out (he either stands up and starts waving both arms over his head, or I have seen him just grab the arm of some random waitress) . I do not want to spend my time with a guy who will ask me, with my wife and the waitress standing there "why do you find the waitress sexually attractive/" The marriage problem is that my wife excuses his behaviour "oh, he's 90." Of course, in the past it was always "oh, he's 70, he's 80........." We used to be able to agree that he's a jerk, but now if I say anything, her response is "he's 90, I have decided to just let it all go so he and my wife can enjoy the rest of his life rather than confront him."

Comment on I think my husband is using caregiving as an excuse to distance himself from our marriage.

RFBrownPE — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 15:52:06 -0000

Ms O'Dell's last sentence is the only part of her otherwise spot on, excellent response I disagree with. She wrote: "You have to value you: You won’t cease to exist, you’ll go on, you'll create a good life, better than the one you have now." There are two things inaccurate about this statement. 1. She attempts to predict the future - which no one can do. Logically, all statements about the future must be verified as 'don't know'. 2. 'better than' is a value judgment, which also must be verified as 'don't know'. That things will be different than they are now has a very high probability. The only thing we can be certain about is that nothing in this life is certain. Whether they will be 'better' is both a value judgment and a prediction of the future; which neither you nor Ms O'Dell can know. All any of us can do is assemble our knowledge and experience of the past, which was real, assess the current state of reality, use the magnificent mind God gave us to discern and choose, then take your next step into the future. Essential to each step is an absolute and unwavering commitment to truth. If you allow your mind [conscious and unconscious] to convince you of lies, and base your choices on those lies, you will not make the best possible choice for you. The quickest way to hide from yourself is to lie to yourself about anything. Example: You wrote ". . . things went downhill." This statement can be verified as false. How do I know that, since I wasn't there? Because it is a conclusion that cannot be proved, and a characterization that you cannot know. What is probably true is that you did not LIKE some or all of what happened. That doesn't make it intrinsically 'good' or 'bad'. What happened happened. Period. Full stop. Someday you may look back and decide you actually benefited from what happened. Will that make it 'good?' No, it will only mean you decided to 'like' what happened. You can get beyond 'feeling' 'good' or 'bad' to just plain feeling. Then, you can live Life - not your evaluation of it. All your evaluations are of what happened in the past, and your fears are of what might happen in the future. While you are focused in the past or future you cannot fully live in the present. And the PRESENT is where Life is lived!! With your focus on what was and what might be you are missing the joy of the moment and ability to discern what it has for you. I realized at this point that I cannot find any indication of your purpose - for your life, for your marriage, . . . . Unless you have a clear purpose, ideally a shared purpose with your husband - jointly and individually - you have little basis on which to make decisions about this or that?, one way or another, should we or shouldn't we? How can you make high quality decisions if you don't know your purpose and hve criteria against which to evaluate alternatives? Without a purpose to direct you you have nothing. With one you will have the spark that gets you moving towards a goal. The most important news at this point is that you are asking questions. Most people think they 'know' and fail to seek assistance from any source. Good for you. This is why, when Jesus said, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven." many do not understand. Though many writers address this phrase from the standpoint of it being written in Greek, with more precise words than in English, the fact is Jesus spoke in Aramaic, not Greek. A rigorous translation back to Aramaic is "Blessed are the confused, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven." Why 'confused'? Because one who realizes they are confused and seeks information through questions is acting out of humility, not pride; and is a seeker of truth. This takes on more profound meaning when one realizes that virtually all the pain and suffering of mankind has been perpetrated by those who were absolutely certain they knew what they were doing. In seeking assistance, if you were your own Teacher or Guide wouldn't you give yourself exactly what you are going through right now as your next step? Test? Challenge? All things work together to reveal life's possibilities, whether we like it, deserve it, or want it. There is no occasion where this is not true. This is the meaning of the Cross, and the last time you were crossed. maybe you don't have a lot to change. maybe you just have a lot to get over. if you want to find your heart, notice where your money is. Every action you take reveals the stand you have taken in life. And there are no excuses. So, . . . . . what do you want? What is your purpose? What are you willing to do to achieve it? I share some of what you face, as my wife and I moved to New York from a beautiful home in England to care for my mother, 95 with Alzheimers, and enable her to stay in her home of 62 years. We have been here more than 6 years and Mom is otherwise in great health. My wife left home town, family, a self-employed career, house and garden, large circle of lifetime friends and her country to assist me in my commitment to keep Mom in her home. Writing the above has been a strong reminder to me to renew our purpose and shared commitment regularly and to review and renew the workings of my mind as we face the challenges; physical, financial, emotional, spiritual. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to do that. With Love Bob

Comment on I think my husband is using caregiving as an excuse to distance himself from our marriage.

texlas — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 14:10:41 -0000

Taking care of parents is the hardest thing for some people. It seems backwards somehow. If you don't do everything possible, there is this awful guilt. If you do, then you are bound to sacrifice something of your other relationships. Maybe your husband is caught in this limbo. You may feel guilt yourself, because of your resentment of your needs not being met. A friend(only child) got a divorce, because her husband felt neglected when she spent months at a time taking care of parents in another state. Their insurance, healthcare, home etc. was there and it is very difficult to change for elderly people. If you really want things to work out. Offer to make the changes that You can make. If your husband doesn't jump on that offer, then perhaps it isn't mom, but something else.

Comment on I think my husband is using caregiving as an excuse to distance himself from our marriage.

mariannew — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 13:32:39 -0000

You said it all when you said your Dad is "killing all of us slowly, especially himself." Please go talk with a counselor. The doctor that treated your brother during his recent hospitalization is a good place to begin. It is doubtful that you and your siblings can do anything to change your father. He has to see the need to change and be willing to take steps to change. When you accept that, you can be free. Realize that you are the only one who can change. Put some distance between yourself and your Dad. You did not say how old your siblings are, but if you are adults, move out and live your own lives. Don't ask him for anything or build your lives on relying on him. If you do, you will never be free. Let your relationship with him revolve into one of equal adults. You may need the counselor for a long time to help you see how you can stand on your own two feet. Good luck, and God Bless!

Comment on I think my husband is using caregiving as an excuse to distance himself from our marriage.

mariannew — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 13:21:08 -0000

Excellent comment from ODell. I agree that it's not about Mom, so communication between the 2 of you is vital if you want an answer and want to move forward. How old is Mom and what is her condition? IIs she a relatively healthy woman, now on her feet, who could expect to live another decade? Can't a sitter be hired? Does she require someone 24/7? Is a reverse mortgage a possibility so that she would have cash to remain in her home? Have you or your husband consulted an elder attorney for estate planning? Is your husband suffering from impotency or age related debility so that being a husband is a difficult role, while being "mama's baby" or "mama's caregiver" is an easier, more satisfying role? At this point in your life, what do you want? Do you want to be living this kind of life? I know this is a lot to think about, and you probably have already gone over some of these ideas. Good luck and God Bless!

Comment on I'm afraid my sister has become a pain-pill addict.

Raelena — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 18:06:43 -0000

I have to chime in here. Do your investigation on the sly, but be very careful here. Unless you find evidence of multiple pain pill prescribers, you should not jump to the conclusion that your sister is a drug abuser! Doctors are very careful about prescribing pain killers for chronic pain and watch for many signs of abuse - track refill requests, do attitude checks etc. They know more signs than we ever will, and are very careful not to overprescribe, if for no other reason that doctor's prescribing habits are also scrutinized. What is coming across to me is that you are impatient with your sister because she is not healing on *your* schedule. It sounds to me like she has been thru a continuous train wreck in life for the past few months. She is probably reeling and suffering from depression. She just had to relearn *walking* and you are judgemental about her housekeeping??? Chronic pain is no easy thing to cope with, mentally and physically and her doctor will wean her at an appropriate time. I appreciate that you worry about your sister, but you can't and shouldn't pry into this any more than you have to. Give her time to heal.

Comment on Should I tell my father that Mom is dying?

LindaSue — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 16:45:19 -0000

Thank you for such a loving response to a difficult situation. Moments of clarity is good to touch on here ~ one just never knows. . . . A private "viewing" may sink in with dad once the time comes. Then, be prepared to love dad through till his end time. Thank you for sharing . . . .

Comment on Should I tell my father that Mom is dying?

3Generations — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 13:17:40 -0000

My mom passed of cancer one year ago this month. Dad has dementia, and didn't really understand sometimes that mom was dying. Several months afterwards, he completely lost the memory of her death and memorial service. He kept asking everyone where mom was, and thought he needed to meet her somewhere. Our response was to gently explain (over and over again) that mom passed, and the circumstances. It was not easy to see him experience fresh grief each time. I can understand why some families might decide to spare their loved one from that. But somehow, most of it seems to have "stuck," because these days, he knows she has passed, and usually only wants to know how long she's been gone.

Comment on Should I tell my father that Mom is dying?

Eldercoach — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 18:37:25 -0000

I liked the advise in this post, especially at the end of the response. During a crisis like the prolonged passing of a family member, we need to treat ourselves and others with kindness and compassion especially when there are disagreements.

Comment on Mom can't live alone but blows off my attempts to help

1243orfr — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 18:27:29 -0000

My friend lives in a very religious community. You are not supposed to say things behind anyone's back. Yet, my friend, after widowhood of five yrs has been steadilly declining in self care and managing her own personal business transactions. Her Son is married with two little boys in another city. His Wife's Parents come from another country. He's not physically there most of the time. The local neighbors, some who are influenctial Rabbi Wives, have cared for my freind many times over the last years. I do over the Shabbos and Holidays when I visit her. I think the local neighbors are tired of filling in for her Son and they started a campaign of calling Her Son to get him to take her home with him to a situation that isn't even prepared to deal with Her.

Comment on I think my brother is skimming money off Mom's accounts. How do I handle this without hurting my mom or making myself look like the bad guy?

Gracie0315 — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 13:56:34 -0000

Let's be clear about something: You don't get to talk inheiritance until AFTER the person has died! So many children start to stake their claim as soon as a parent gets ill! If your mother wants to hand over her money to your brother, she gets to-assuming that she is not mentally incapacitated. When I took over for my parents when they were both ill, I found that my mother had been paying my 55-yr old brother's credit cards and rent for years! Yup, I was annoyed but it was her choice.

Comment on My sister says I'll regret cutting off my father, but I think I've earned the right to protect myself.

Anonymous — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 16:55:46 -0000

Extraordinarily perceptive and compassionate advice.

Comment on Our adult gay son is very ill, but my husband doesn't want to move closer to help.

gadfly — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 16:23:08 -0000

. I am also the parent of a gay man. He was born gay and did NOT CHOOSE his orientation anymore than I chose my left handedness . Your son is your child and as such needs and deserves all of the support you can muster. Don't turn away from him as you will never forgive yourself or your husband. My daughter has Multiple Sclerosis and is heterosexual...her diagnosis is not a punishment. My gay son is a paranoid scizophrenic graduated from a top University..and is hospitalized..again this is not a punishment. We all must be able to face ourselves and be able to live with our decisions. Your son, who happens to be gay, will appreciate any and all efforts during this difficult time...and please contact the GLBT community for support and assistance. Peace and blessings to all of you

Comment on Our adult gay son is very ill, but my husband doesn't want to move closer to help.

zambezi — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 14:14:30 -0000

Your husband is trying to control something he can't change. He has wasted enough of the time he has been given on this earth. Don't waste any more time being torn between the two. Please help your son. Your time to need help will come and so will your husband's. Your son deserves all the love and support he can get. He was born gay. No one has forever. Maybe someday our LGBTQ friends and family members will be treated equally. As a mother of a gay son, I hope that day comes sooner rather than later.

Comment on How do I tell my parents they can't live with us anymore?

Jose T — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 13:07:00 -0000

This is a very logical and sound perspective--live and learn!

Comment on How do I tell my parents they can't live with us anymore?

Anonymous — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 13:05:16 -0000

Let them stay in Atlanta year round so that they can develop the support that they will need in the near future. Tell them that your children are out a lot more and that you WILL NOT BE AT HOME to handle the house.

Comment on Dad's killing himself to take care of Mom.

Anonymous — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 22:13:01 -0000

You're not alone! This can be very frustrating and draining. Don't forget to make time for yourself! Hugz!

Comment on Mom can't live alone but blows off my attempts to help

Emily M. — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 18:28:38 -0000

Hi pawsz, Thank you very much for your comment. I'm sorry to hear about your situation, that must be very difficult for you. Caring.com has a wonderful local directory where you can look for facilities and help in you parents area. ( http://www.caring.com/local ). Simply select the type of care you'd like to find and then your parents location. I hope that helps. Take care -- Emily | Community Manager

Comment on How do I tell my parents they can't live with us anymore?

jessiejo — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 14:20:16 -0000

That was an excellent reply from family advisor. As for your parents wanting to be catered to, start calling up places like meals on wheels if they don't feel like making dinner for themselves. If they are capable of doing it and they just don't want to, they might rethink it when they start getting a bill at the end of the month, or when the food arrives and they don't like what is being served. Many times it takes a bit of tough love and stubborness on your part to break the stubborness on your parents part. I have two parents that I'm caring for in their home and its taken a lot on my part just to get them to pay for a little bit of help to come into the home. I also do not do their laundry or change their beds (unless they are ill and cannot do it on their own) since it is almost the only type of excercise they get. If they are still capable of doing some things on their own then you need to make sure to let them do it without taking over. Sometimes it takes motivation on their part.... but I've also learned that if you start doing it just because they arent' doing it quite the way you would, then you've lost the battle and gained a huge work load on your shoulders!

Comment on Mom can't live alone but blows off my attempts to help

pawsz — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 00:59:14 -0000

Who do I call about my elderly parents not being able to live alone anymore? I need names of specific places to call. I dont live nearby ad they refuse to live with me. My Dad is 84 and driving with no license, registration, and my Mom is the same age and losing her thought processes. When my mom calls someone for help they rip her off and leave without helping. Someone needs to be called, but I am not down there and dont know what to do. Please advise.

Comment on My dad has turned into a tyrant since he moved in with me! How do I tell him I'm not going to wait on him hand and foot?

Emily M. — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 23:00:51 -0000

Hi anonymous, Thank you for your comment. I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. If you'd like, you can post your question in our Ask & Answer section, here: http:www.caring.com/ask. Good luck! -- Emily | Community Manager

Comment on My dad has turned into a tyrant since he moved in with me! How do I tell him I'm not going to wait on him hand and foot?

Anonymous — Sat, 04 Jun 2011 09:40:03 -0000

I am 26, I go to college full time, and currently had to give my job up to finish college as the place I had been working for would not work around my schedule. I am also the caretaker for my elder grandfather. I'm finding it hard to deal with his antics. It seems that even while I was working (job or group work with classmates), if he thought I was out to late (10pm) then as soon as I 'd get home, I endured being yelled at, and accused of laying out all night,. etc. I'm an adult. I have to have a life as well, and I am not out doing anything wrong or illegal. For example tonight I spent a few hours with my friends mother whom I had not visited with in about a month, and I did call about 8pm to let him know that I would be home in a while. He seemed okay then, but as soon as I returned home I was scolded for it. I know he has lost my grandma, but I'm not her, and I don't appreciate being ordered around like he did her. He has even gone as far as to try and hit me in the past when he has been angry. I'm not sure what else to do. When I finish college, I will have my Bachelors of Social Work Degree, and I do want to return to the workforce. How will I work around this matter? I know it may seem trivial, but I feel trapped.

Comment on I'm wracked with guilt for enjoying life again now that my husband is in a care home.

Anonymous — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 20:20:41 -0000

All of iut was helpfull .But aspecilly the Sex Part. I also feel Guilty and not injoyig it. Thank You for making me feel better about it

Comment on I took the brunt of my dad's nastiness my whole life. Now I am his caretaker and I resent it.

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Comment on I took the brunt of my dad's nastiness my whole life. Now I am his caretaker and I resent it.

ayxdn — Sat, 28 May 2011 15:50:36 -0000

Comment on I constantly feel guilty because no matter how much I do for my parents, I know it's never enough.

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Comment on I constantly feel guilty because no matter how much I do for my parents, I know it's never enough.

ayxdn — Sat, 28 May 2011 15:45:40 -0000

Comment on I think my brother is skimming money off Mom's accounts. How do I handle this without hurting my mom or making myself look like the bad guy?

Trinity — Thu, 26 May 2011 23:04:36 -0000

All that sounds exactly like what my brother did. He took over my mom's accounts, had the statements go to his house and he ended up taking all her money that was suppose to be divided amongst 5 siblings after her death. If you don't start doing something now, your mom will end up with nothing. I contacted the police dept. and the Adult Protective Services and they did nothing! I had to take him to court but by the time something was going to be done, my mom passed away. My brother then told me that if I kept taking him to court, he would just keep using my mom's money to defend himself. It started to get too expensive for me and I had to stop. He no longer speaks with any of the siblings. That's not what my mother wanted..

Comment on "I do all the caregiving for my parents, while my deadbeat sister takes all their money."

Emily M. — Thu, 26 May 2011 21:39:12 -0000

Hi kunzite52, Thank you very much for your comment. If you'd like to learn more about power of attorney, check out our topic center all about power of attorney here: ( http://www.caring.com/power-of-attorney ). I hope that helps. Take care -- Emily | Community Manager

Comment on I think my brother is skimming money off Mom's accounts. How do I handle this without hurting my mom or making myself look like the bad guy?

CathRN — Thu, 26 May 2011 14:46:45 -0000

before mom died my 4 sisters and one of my brothers saw how confused my parents were. I'm an RN and have been taking care of their health for over 10 years. They came in like vultures, badmouthed me and took them for everything they had. Be Alert and Cautiously suspicious folks. People you've always loved and never expected would kill your heart and soul will do it when it comes to inheritance and greed. They had my parents so confused that they got rid of the only medically trained kid they had so the greedy ones could have it all. Being a nurse I tell myself I should have seen it happening but when you are overwhelmingly busy with their health concerns and keeping your parents alive, you just don't suspect such evil but it happens. A LOT!!

Comment on "I do all the caregiving for my parents, while my deadbeat sister takes all their money."

kunzite52 — Thu, 26 May 2011 01:19:54 -0000

Can you possibly get Power of Attorney for your parents? Is your father capable of paying his own bills or do you have to do it?

Comment on I can't convince my brother to let our mother, who's in the late stage of Alzheimer's, go peacefully.

Anonymous — Mon, 23 May 2011 12:08:38 -0000

IT IS HARD TO WATCH YOUR OWN MOTHER SUFFER.BUT DENYING A HUMAN BEING FOOD IS CRUEL.AND IN MY EYES IS MURDER.IT IS NOT OUR JOB TO SAY WHEN A PERSON DIES,IT IS GODS JOB.I AGREE WITH WITH YOUR BROTHER.MY MOM HAS A FEEDING TUBE,AND IT WAS THE HOSPITAL WHO SAID SHE NEEDED IT.NO ONE HAS A QUALITY OF LIFE IN A NURSING HOME,SO WHY DONT WE JUST KILL ALL OF THEM.IF YOU READ THE BIBLE,LIKE I DO IT CLEARLY STATES GOD WILL DECIDED WHEN ONE DIES,AND IT IS CONSIDERED MURDER.MERCY KILLING IS A SIN.

Comment on My dad is the one who is sick, but it's my mom who's the problem!

Emily M. — Mon, 16 May 2011 20:33:24 -0000

Hi felix, Thank you very much for your comment. I'm sorry to hear you're in such a difficult situation. If you'd like to share your story and get advice from other caregivers, check out our forums section, here: ( http://www.caring.com/forums ). If you'd like, you can also post a question in our Ask & Answer section, here: ( http://www.caring.com/ask ). I hope that helps. Take care -- Emily | Community Manager

Comment on I think my brother is skimming money off Mom's accounts. How do I handle this without hurting my mom or making myself look like the bad guy?

chickywicky — Fri, 13 May 2011 18:51:37 -0000

I'm kind of going thru this with my sister and my mom! As soon as my sister seen my mom's bank account she wants to do everything fo mama...

Comment on My dad is the one who is sick, but it's my mom who's the problem!

felix — Fri, 13 May 2011 05:02:36 -0000

my huband [ken] is 77. he suffers from parkerson..in the last 2 yrs he had 2 broken feet,broken hip ..been on a walker 2 yrs .. can't really get up out chair with out help .i do every thing for him except have a bowell movement .lol lol .he doesn't have any children.couple step g/children ..they seldom ever visit him .. he wants to fuss all the time ...,he chatters from sun up to .sun down .. silly talk .. it drives me up a wall after all the chores i have done i am75 ..in fair health .. ..we have only been married 4 yrs ..he had some money when we married .i had my ss.ck and my home pd for . . he makes me feel like he married me to take care of him in his older yrs .he says he loves me .. can a person really love some one and say such rude things to them .... any advice will be appricated .. tks dove eyes

Comment on I think my brother is skimming money off Mom's accounts. How do I handle this without hurting my mom or making myself look like the bad guy?

lmdapper — Fri, 13 May 2011 00:15:20 -0000

If all that doesn't work contact your local Area Agency on Aging. They can give you contacts in your area that handle this sort of thing. Don't let it go or the money will be gone and you'll not only be the bad guy but the one who has to pay the bills.

Comment on My mom says my dad isn't my biological father -- and I can't tell if it's the truth or her dementia talking.

Marly26 — Sun, 08 May 2011 18:47:41 -0000

This must have been a blow to you and I am sending hugs and prayers to you. Regardless if you are not your fathers' child, he has treated you as such and loves you so very much. If you can find your mom at a time when she is more alert, usually mornings are a good time, you may bring this up to her. Let her know that everything is fine, you feel no different towards her/your father or siblings. Your mother may also be saying this perhaps because at one time she may have had a child (not your fathers') and may have lost it (miscarried). Usually ppl. with dementia have long term memory but not short. In her mind it could be another child and she thinks its you. Do you look like your sibling/father/mother, have you ever felt otherwise? Dont' feel guilt, they have never made you feel otherwise. Myself I would think that you would have been told much earlier on. I myself was adopted, found out at the age of 9. My biological mother new my parents' who raised me. My father had passed at a very early age and she had 6 children that she could not raise on her own in those days. She asked if I wanted to meet her, my reply "no". My mother at one point was introducing the family to someone and she said this is our daughter and this is the one we adopted. I cant' tell you what my father said but I thought the roof was to come off. He said I dont' ever want you saying she is not my child again (the feeling that came over me, I can't even explain). When my biological mother passed my mother who raised me asked if I was going to the funeral, my answer to her was "you are my mother". If you want to go I will go with you, however she is not my mother. We paid our respects, then left the Cemetary. All being said I would let sleeping dogs lie as the saying goes. If you truly want an answer try and get it from your mother not your father. Perhaps even if he knew, just as mine did, he took you in, loved you,cared for you, put a roof over your head and not doubt the best "dad" ever. Dont' hurt his feelings, something tells me and I dont' know why but I honestly think that your mother could be thinking of a sister/brother of hers in the past.or like I said a miscarriage. Just remember the love that both of your parents gave you, the life they gave you. The only real way that you would find out is if you ever find adoption papers or your Birth Certificate with another name, which is something I doubt. I know this is something that will no doubt nag at you but as I said speak to your mother in the a.m. This is a much better time to speak with her, they seem to fall back on other things that arent' even part of what you are speaking about in the later part of the afternoon. Hold that chin up girl, and remember who held you in their arms, loved and cared for you. Dont' hurt yourself over it,and dont' keep seeds of doubt. I wish you luck, and pls. remember your family loves you unconditionally. Take care,

Comment on How can I convince my mom to use her cane or walker instead of being embarrassed about them?

Sally Ongaro — Wed, 04 May 2011 22:56:08 -0000

My mother-in-law would not use her walker, even after taking a fall which resulted in breaking her arm. We made her a really beautiful fitted pillow for the seat of her walker. She loved it and also loved telling people that she'd received it as a gift from her family. After this we started making pillows for friends of hers at her resident living home. From there we started selling them at local fairs. Now, we are online, and doing great! Check them out for your loved one too. www.pillowalk.com

Comment on Dad's killing himself to take care of Mom.

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Comment on Dad's killing himself to take care of Mom.

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Comment on My brother got Dad's inheritance, and I feel resentful that he's not sharing.

bosco2blessed — Sat, 30 Apr 2011 02:28:38 -0000

Inheritances viciously tear families apart. I have told persons who suffer from "what should be mine" to live your life as if that person had not died. No one is entitled to anything that belonged to someone else. To those that find themselves in such grief over omissions of a will, I question how genuine their feelings truly were for their loved one. My children already know, while they were young I provided for the possibility of someone having to care for them if I had died. Now that I have raised them to be productive gainfully employed cititzens -- I make it I spend. My home is divided equally amongst the 3 of them; with only enough life insurance to bury me cremate me or set me out to sea. I pray they enjoy my presence in their lives and do not anticipate the opportunity to PRAY in my passing.

Comment on My brother got Dad's inheritance, and I feel resentful that he's not sharing.

donoharm — Sat, 30 Apr 2011 01:17:49 -0000

In all honesty, that first paragraph did it for me. Thank you.

Comment on My brother got Dad's inheritance, and I feel resentful that he's not sharing.

danpercoco — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 22:16:17 -0000

Honestly, the same happened to me and it was me who wanted to remain as a family and it was my sister and her husband who brainwashed my mom into getting everything. It ended that my sister passed away and my brother in law inherited the house and my parents money. Even though he did, I was willing to talk to him and his children, however, they are the ones who keep their distance from me and I say they feel guilt and that's why they don't want to bother with me. My advice is to let go and live your life, money and materialistic things is not everything as long as you have your health. Remember whatever we have we cannot take it with us when we're gone. God knows and God sees and I am hoping my mom can see what her daughter and her son in law were really like. They were two faced and my mom could never see it.

Comment on I've already lost my mom -- I don't want to lose my brother and sister, too.

raceymom — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 17:13:31 -0000

learning how to connect to siblings that have grown distant since the death of a parent and also learning some strategies to make new friends and get new activities in life so as not to long for them so much.

Comment on How can I keep my husband, who has Parkinson's, from burying us in debt?

vj3904 — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 15:36:30 -0000

I definitely encourage you to bring this up to his PD neurologist. I don't know all the details of your husband's financial habits or his drug history but it can be related to or exacerbated by certain drugs. Hope that helps.

Comment on My dad talks about dying all the time -- and it's not good for him or me!

Anonymous — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 00:19:46 -0000

pray for patience and let him grieve the way he needs to. keep positive around him, but realize that he will die someday -- he may have a premonition, or he is venting his fears. His life has been turned up-side-down with this surgery. your role is to be PATIENT, UNDERSTANDING, SUPPORTIVE, and ENCOURAGER. if there is a belief system, then refer to that. if needed get him to a holy person, counselor, or some third-party "listener" -- you are too emotionally involved and could be causing denial on your part. at 35 years old, my fiance said he was dying soon (he wasn't even terminally ill) and he did -- a month later. i wish i had supported him better rather than telling him to stop talking about it and no, you're not... LOVE your dad - you never know how long you will have. support him in talking about his fears, thoughts, etc of death and find out what his wishes are. tell him you love him. if he dies, then you have no regrets, if he lives then you have extra years- icing on the cake !!! but -- BE PATIENT and LOVE HIM

Comment on How do I stop my mom's sisters from interfering with her care?

Mark E. Rosenberg — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 17:50:00 -0000

Not an uncommon problem. having spent 40 years in the care for the elderly this issue arrises oftem. In my experience over the years, I have found it better to make the sisters (family) part of the solution. The fear is that after Mom dies, you might want to retain the relationships with the family, and it might even assist in ways you can't think of at this moment. find an Elder Mediator, have a meeting and have an open discussion. I know this works more often then not. Mark Rosenberg www.westernmediationservices.com

Comment on How do I stop my mom's sisters from interfering with her care?

Jade1961 — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 14:37:24 -0000

I am hopeful that what I am about to say will help you a little. Given your Mom's age, I am going to presume that she has Medicare & hopefully straight old fashioned Medicare, not any of the HMO's or PPO's that Medicare offers. This being said, most states have an Independence Waiver Program. These programs are designed to help you care for your Mom, in this case, while keeping her at home. They allow you to have caregivers come in for both care & respite for so many hours a week. The number of hours is dependent upon your Mom's specific needs and yours as well. They can intervene when it comes to meddlesome family members, not the caregivers them selves but the agencies that participate. I know that the best place to phone to find out if this type of program is in your state is your local center on aging or your local welfare office. There are a lot of forms for the doctor to fill out. An interview with your mother & yourself by the company you choose to provide care to see how many hours of care/respite you will need and qualify for. I am still fairly young however due to multiple disabilities I am on the Independence Waiver Program in my state. It has been a blessing to my family even though I am currently interviewing alternative caregivers as the one I have is no longer working out. This happens too, not everyone gets along with everyone 100% of the time. I wish you the best of luck & My heartfelt prayers are with you. God Bless

Comment on How do I stop my mom's sisters from interfering with her care?

stashlover — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 14:29:32 -0000

too many relatives think they know what's best for your loved one. My sister has wanted to put my dad in a nursing home for the last 5 years and i am POA and am against it. She thinks he will get more care there, but she has no clue. We have had fights over my dads care and she has accused me of keeping him so I would get his summer place. It was already in the will anyhow and not only that, as you know this job of taking care of a family member is not pending any resources they have, it is only for the deep love that you have for them. Unfortunatelty her telling my kids that's the reason why I took him into my home really hurt and upset me and I don't think things will ever be the same between us. Don't let this happen to you. Also,Nursing homes are so understaffed it's rediculous and he would not get one on one care. Our PCP says that it's great that we can take care of him and keep him with us. It will give your loved one a better quality of life with his family not just strangers that will talk and say Hi and not even know him. Depending on his assests, I would suggest to get her home in your name only if that is possible or sell it and use the money to take care of her. That way she can apply for Med. Assistance and have everything covered, like daycare not unless her insurance or her cash savings will pay for it. I wish I did it then and my dad would have qualified for alot more help.

Comment on How do I stop my mom's sisters from interfering with her care?

frosty7530 — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 13:35:42 -0000

There weakre sure too many cooks in our famdily kitchen. This gal has it fairly easy compared to others. Her mother has her marbles, there is no mention of alzheimers or dementia. I wonder why it was not mentioned that the Mother could also be consulted in more of this "conflict resolution". She might be ab1le to get the "meddling sister": out of way, fastest. This narrative also implied the mother was still continent, a sad, but important factor in care-giving and finding good alternatives to nursing homes. I hope this woman does take better care of herself by finding a day program for her mother and bringing in respite care for herself. Perhaps having a caregiver one day of week, or coming 2 half days, might give this gal better options for free time. She needs to do nice things for herself such as going to hair salon or getting manicured, taking a 3 day weekend (share c mare-giving duty once in a while with a trusted relative). I wished I'd had a support group back when I had my Mom. I knew about the other care-givers in her retirement complex, they would see me in laundry room & deluge me with their cards! My mom needed help 24/7; she had serious brain injury and her picture was not as good as this examples. I hope the reader takes as much of your good advice as possible, and even finds more ways to make her own life better. She will become bitter, if she does not treat herself better. Most importantly, TIME FLIES. It seems like yesterday that my Mom was still here; now I am 63, just 5 yrs younger than she - - when she began needed care. I am the one who needs care. Life is short; make it as sweet as possible, your Mom would be heartbroken if otherwise. Yes, she has to get lots tougher with meddling ones. Her mental health background, sadly, is something they will exploit. I hope this woman t

Comment on How do I stop my mom's sisters from interfering with her care?

cbruce48@gmail.com — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 13:34:34 -0000

Excellent advise! Be direct and consistant in your approach.

Comment on I've already lost my mom -- I don't want to lose my brother and sister, too.

Anonymous — Sat, 16 Apr 2011 21:55:28 -0000

I am in a very similar situation. My sister has ovarian cancer and a one year old daughter. She is very young to have this type of cancer. Her husband is inept. It is almost like he is in denial that anything is going on. My father died of cancer when we were young- both in elementary school. I see her now suffering through the chemo and it scares the hell out of me We are close siblings and I cant imagine her passing on. We had to become a close family when my father died and have been very close ever since. My mom and I are busting it to make sure that she and the one year old is taken care. Her husband just sits and is watching the world spin. I am not 100% percent what to do about it all. There has already been heated words between him and myself and mom. We want what is best for her and what is best is for her husband to show some type of support. She talks to me some about his lack of care and support. I try and defend him but she knows. Having a sibling with cancer is difficult. It is difficult if you are close because of the fear of death. It is difficult because you feel guilty that you are not the one it has plagued. It is difficult because you fear you will be next to get cancer. It is difficult for me because the only thing I associate cancer with is the death of my father. The fear is almost too much handle some days. The only thing that really helps me keep going is helping to take care of her year old daughter. It too is difficult. I know how hard it is to loose a parent. I would hate for her to go through life and not know my loving sister. I would also hate for her father( sisters husband) to have the one to take care of her. I am not certain he could do it. I guess all we can do is stay the course and hope and pray for the best.

Comment on Dad's killing himself to take care of Mom.

yougui — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 02:39:44 -0000

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Comment on I've already lost my mom -- I don't want to lose my brother and sister, too.

The Caregiver's Voice — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 19:56:32 -0000

I join this club. It is sad...my siblings didn't even come to the Celebration of Life for our father in 2001. It'll be 14 years this May (2011) since we spoke and I have no idea what they're up to. They certainly can keep apprised of my updates through TheCaregiversVoice.com. Despite the number of times I've reached out over the years, I must accept that it is their choice. Besides, how much rejection should one have to endure? Still, it is a loss for our family. As advised, in the article, I have grown closer to my cousins and and "adopted" family of friends.

Comment on I've already lost my mom -- I don't want to lose my brother and sister, too.

newby1961 — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 17:19:40 -0000

Thanks for sharing I am going through a similiar experience with my brother. my mom passed on 6/6/09 from COPD and I was wih my dad at his condo while the funeral was goinng on. Anyway I helped him go through my mom's stuff and my brother and sister for that matter are very upset yet no one will cop to it. My brother and I went from talking every week to maybe one every few months if that and its me that has to reach out. To me its just greed and it makes me sick to my stomache that people actually feel that way. The advice although helps some I am not sure if I agree why should we have to be the ones who reach out we are not the ones that have a problem? I am bitter and I am sick of reaching out and getting no repsonse. I am not a mind reader so if they can not be an adult and tell me what is wrong then its on them. So in any event you are certainly not alone. Keep the Faith. Peace & blessings all

Comment on I've already lost my mom -- I don't want to lose my brother and sister, too.

Shar Shar — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 14:36:02 -0000

You always give such encouraging, informative and much needed comments! Please continue with your work! Thanks

Comment on I've already lost my mom -- I don't want to lose my brother and sister, too.

meme65 — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 14:30:00 -0000

I read this post with much interest because something similar happened in our family. My Mother passed several years ago and I was her POA. Her wishes were to keep her comfortable w/o any heriotic measures. She had hospice and passed away at home with only myself there as it had been throughout her illnesses. I have one sibling; a brother whom I love dearly. He and Mama had issues they never resolved. He never came to visit her altho we all lived in the same area. I would call and tell him when she was having a good day and that he might want to drop by but he never did. The night she passed I called to tell him. He talked like he was surprised. He and his wife came over and he beat his fists on the wall and cried. After the funeral he would not speak with me. He divorced and remarried later and I understood from a son of his that he was happy and had moved many miles away. I got his email addy and wrote to him sending jokes, etc. to keep things on the light side. He finally began to send things back and wrote briefly. Now, his health is very bad with cancer. I had not seen my brother in well over 10 years when one night 3 years ago his son and he dropped by for about a hour. Nothing heavy was said and we had a nice visit. How I wish that we could be close again but I honestly don't believe it will happen. This may be as much as he can give, I don't know. I just thought the experiences that I've had may help someone else. Blessings, Gig

Comment on I don't want to visit my mother anymore.

The Caregiver's Voice — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 04:07:28 -0000

WOW, what a compassionate response...especially, the part about it being okay to not see her mom and determining whether this is a cry for help, a need to release by expressing, or truly a need to step away while in order to sort out one's life.

Comment on I've already lost my mom -- I don't want to lose my brother and sister, too.

Eldercoach — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 00:53:54 -0000

I loved all this advice. These are all good suggestions. For others reading this post who are not yet finished with caregiving for a parent, I'd suggest that you make time to connect with your siblings outside of your caregiving experience. My sister and I would get together and enjoy each other's company while my mom was sick and make a point not to talk about my mom. I wanted to make sure that her illness was not our only point of connection.

Comment on How can I deal with my mom's anger at me for urging her to move my dad to an Alzheimer's residence, where he fell in love with another woman?

Janetevelyn7 — Wed, 13 Apr 2011 17:20:28 -0000

This is so unfair! You have done nothing wrong here! Don't react to this or internalize this from your mom. Just know you acted in the way that was best for your parents at the time. If he has fallen for someone else, its not your fault! Another sign of the disease perhaps! Does he even know her? Maybe he is confusing her with your mom....Anyway, good luck with this situation...this too shall pass! Take care of YOU now

Comment on I've already lost my mom -- I don't want to lose my brother and sister, too.

lucillemyers13 — Wed, 13 Apr 2011 09:10:14 -0000

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Comment on Mom's a hoarder whose "stuff" is keeping us apart!

Emily M. — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 20:47:33 -0000

Hi lizzylizz, Thanks for your comment. Sorry to hear about your situation, hoarding (for whatever reason) is very difficult to handle. There is a lot of great information about ways to tackle this problem in this very blog post, I suggest you should start with those suggestions. I hope that helps, good luck! -- Emily | Community Manager

Comment on Mom's a hoarder whose "stuff" is keeping us apart!

lizzylizz — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 01:57:36 -0000

My parents buy n sell stuff online to support themselves..They have been doing this for years, which is great cuz with not many available jobs out there at least they are making money. On the downside there house is a giant wharehouse .My mom sleeps in her chair, my dad sleeps on the couch, and those are the only two available spots to sit in the house. I hear my dad coughing all the time, which worries me, cuz no windows are ever open, and the smell from the used stuff they sell is too me annoying. I worry that they could get sick, or already be sick from just no room to live. I try to tell my mom I would help them clean out there garage so we could move all that stuff from inside the house to the garage so they could have there house back, but she tells me it's fine don't worry about it..I can't help but worry because these are my parents, and I love them..I feel lost, and confused, and I need help on what I should do..

Comment on My father is making passes at my mother's in-home caregivers!

Lee_Ann — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 09:25:02 -0000

My Father-in-law was a real gentleman when we moved in with him in his 80's, but he developed ALZ in his 90's. He was, thankfully, always able to recognized family and was never inappropriate with them. It was a different story with other females including caregivers. The doctor tried female hormones on him, but it didn't help. Medication for ALZ can help, especially early on. If other meds are suggested, read up on them as all to often ALZ patients are over medicated or inappropriately medicated. Additionally older people do not clear meds out of their bodies as quickly as younger ones and may need less. Do talk with the caregivers, hire people who can handle it without stressing themselves or your father. When he needs physical assistance you can get a male for him. The ALZ Association in our area was VERY helpful. They had support groups, telephone advisers, a lending library, educational meetings and handouts for family and friends and caregivers, and professionals who would meet with the whole family if requested. They even had a program for persons with ALZ who where mildly impacted and able to benefit. It can be very unsettling to a person to find that their mind is going. Carol's advice is very good. Take care of yourself, get other people to visit with them and/or help out. Are senior groups or Adult Day Care appropriate for your Dad? Finally, find joy in what ever you can with your parents. For example singing songs they knew as younger people can be rewarding as they will remember those words even when they can't communicate well.

Comment on My father is making passes at my mother's in-home caregivers!

Strong1 — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 20:00:39 -0000

My father sexually abused me from the age of 12, until I married at 20. I married young, to get away from my father and my physically and psychologically abusive mother. My mother died last year of a stroke. She also had Alzheimer's. My father has dementia (lack of short term memory, etc.), but he refuses to have an evaluation. Since my mother's death, my 81 year old father has been searching for another wife to cook, clean, and give him sexual favors, all for free. He has alienated all female friends of my mother with his propositions of a weekend of sex with him. My father has made inappropriate advances to his daughter-in-law and made inappropriate sexual comments to his granddaughters over the years. No one, including myself, feels safe around him. My father is interested in his female neighbors. It does not matter that they are married or are children. My father continues to tell me that he wants to shower with me and to sleep with me, in my mother's bed where he let her bleed to death. My father also wants his guns back, so that he can shoot the sheriff that confiscated his (suspended) driver's license and his truck. According to my father, laws are meant to be broken. He has the RIGHT to drive to the grocery store! I feel torn by my duty to help my brothers care for him. I take all precautions that I can, when I go to his house to help clean it. His comments bring back bad memories. When I am around him, the stress affects my health. (I have a chronic illness.) Fortunately, I live in another state and I can control how often I visit. My brothers and I are trying to find an appropriate home for him. My therapist has told me that we are giving him better care than he deserves. My father rejected my brothers as they were growing up. "Boys are weeds, but girls are wonderful!" 25% of women were sexually abused as children. Half of these women were sexually abused by their father or stepfather. These men have been mentally ill all of their lives. The behaviour of "dirty old men" is not always due to dementia.

Comment on My father is making passes at my mother's in-home caregivers!

mariannew — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 13:57:22 -0000

Carol wrote the best answer I'e ever read for this type of situation/behavior. Remember that people are sexual beings from the cradle to the grave, and Dad may think he is acting completely appropriately. Has your mother completely lost the ability to engage in intimacy? He may be grieving that loss and the loss of his own sense of manhood. Talk with him about what the loss of a paid caregiver could do to the whole family if he does not change his behavior. Talk with the paid caregiver about your father to see if they can tolerate his behavior if he is unable to change. Please treat yourself to outings (and take Dad out occasionally for socialization) so you can survive with sanity and health.

Comment on My father is making passes at my mother's in-home caregivers!

francisdiaz7 — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 10:28:08 -0000

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Comment on My father is making passes at my mother's in-home caregivers!

francisdiaz7 — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 10:26:55 -0000

Comment on My father is making passes at my mother's in-home caregivers!

Anonymous — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 00:13:04 -0000

My Mom had a severe Stroke , before she was a timid sexually person, never cursed, and never spoke of inapropiate things. NOW, she is the opposite, it is hard to even visit her in the extended care home because of her ridiculous talk. So I can say that the brain can really change a person. We have to be patient and care for thier needs while realizing the talk is a disfunction of the brain.

Comment on My husband's dementia causes him to make sexual advances toward others -- and it's turning me off from wanting to be his caregiver.

daug-in-law — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 17:41:11 -0000

Rent the movie 'Away from her' with Gordon Pinsent and Olympia Dukakis. There are some great insights on the disease without the typical stereotypes.

Comment on My neighbor depends more on me for care than on her own family.

The Caregiver's Voice — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 15:35:41 -0000

Now that you have shared your "problem" at Caring.com and have received insightful responses, print your inquiry and present it as your written it to your neighbor. (Oftentimes, we're better at expressing a problem and our needs to a stranger than we are to the person who needs to hear it directly.) If it were me--I would take time to think what I want to say to preserve my boundaries while trying to be helpful within my limitations and comfort level. I am not a person to let things fester. I think hard and long and then get it out in the open. Most people aren't like this, but we need to be; otherwise we spend too much time getting too much exercise JUMPING to conclusions or making assumptions. Honestly share with your neighbor just the way you have shared here and let her know how you perceive your relationship to have changed. Share with her how you enjoyed her company as neighboring widows. However, you are concerned about your own health and that the increased level of helping has grown stressful for you. ASK your neighbor what she suggests? Get her thinking from your own point of view. You don't want to demand or say anything you may regret as cancer takes her away; yet you want to protect yourself and your own needs and health. ASK for your help to this problem that is really both of yours together. And if this should fail...then realize as Carol suggests above, that you must pull back from care. Nature abhors a vacuum. Her daughter will step in where you're help has left a void.

Comment on My neighbor depends more on me for care than on her own family.

Fri, 01 Apr 2011 09:58:48 -0000

Technically, everyone, conscious of their rights, is right. Taking people for granted or feeling "exploited" is hurtful. But for a moment, consider this. If you feel, you are being "used or exploitation" for Allah (God), it wont go un rewarded and He will compensate in a much bigger way, than you cant even imagine. Then, out of you two friends, she got the lung cancer. This could've happened to anyone, you, me or her, but she was chosen to be tested with this dread, pain and seeking people for help. Imagine in just a year or so, when she might reach the inevitable end, you would insha Allah (God Willing) be back to life again. So as a matter of shukar (Thankfulness) please keep doing whatever you can do, believe me you would get the reward, satisfaction and a great feeling in this world as well as the hereafter.

Comment on My nieces constantly prey on their grandmother for her for money.

Marly26 — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 22:06:42 -0000

I dont' know how old your nieces' are but they shouldn't be taking advantage of their grandmother. Are the parents' aware of what they are doing? This is something that should be discussed with the parents, they probably dont' know what is going on or if they do they are being quiet about it. You know them best. Your mother has worked hard for her money and it shouldn't just be handed out. If your nieces' are able to help your mother in some way shape or form and she herself wants to pay them, then thats different. If they only come around when your not at home they obviously know that it wouldn't happen if you were there. Where did respect for our elders go? They obviously know that grandma will give us money or they wouldn't ask. If it were to help with college or university funds that their parents' cant' afford, then the parents' should be doing the asking, NOT them. I think its high time that you call your sister/brother and tell them that you would like to speak with them away from home. Meaning a coffee shop or elsewhere. Let them know its important for them to meet you but not life threatening. Once you meet up then explain the situation, ask them if they are aware of their children doing this. Make it a friendly conversation, their is no need for arguements, you would just like to know if they know. If they do ask them why it isn't them that is doing the asking. Are they afraid to, and knowing that grandma wouldn't say no to them. They could be in debt themselves and dont' want to say anything for fear of embarrassment, nor do they want to stress grandma with their problems. Dont' be afraid to speak out, if they are short themselves then hey maybe "Mom" could help them out somewhat. You can bring this into the conversation nicely so you know where things stand. On the other hand if they no nothing about it then hopefully they will speak to their children and put a stop to it. I wish you luck, and this will make your mom feel better as well. Either the parents will ask or it will end. This way you wont' have to listen to what happened when you come home to mom and get stressed out. The nieces' may think of you being mean because your telling on them but what if they are asking for money that is being used in the wrong way. This needs your utmost attention.

Comment on My neighbor depends more on me for care than on her own family.

dog's best friend — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 18:45:54 -0000

What you're feeling is false guilt. YOU'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG!! Maybe you grew up being expected to do for others till you drop. You matter, too:) It sounds to me like your neighbor is selfishly using you, at this point anyway. Your relationship with her *may* have started out as two equals, both giving and taking, but it's a totally different ball game now. It's only fair to you, and wise, to periodically re-evaluate your relationships and make healthy adjustments. Normal people don't demand and expect and push you to the wall with THEIR SO-CALLED NEEDS. That's just plain selfish and cruel. It doesn't matter if she's "unaware" of the position she's put you in or deliberately using you like a THING. The outcome is the same...you are miserable. Don't help your neighbor be mean and selfish to you. She can't abuse you without your permission!!! If it's always been more YOU GIVING and HER MOSTLY TAKING, I'd see her a lot less and let the so-called "friendship" fade away. Look for nice people like yourself who are givers and more fun to be around. Spend more time away from home with family and friends or volunteering with kind people in need. This will make it harder for your neighbor to take advantage of your good heart and probably be easier on you than having to keep saying NO to her higher and higher expectations. I'd arrange to have a chat with her REAL SOON, preferably in your home or some other place you feel relaxed and strong, and matter of factly tell your elderly neighbor: " I'm glad I've been able to help you out so much for the last x number of months/years. Sorry to say, I'm feeling less chipper myself lately...Just giving you a heads up...I'm going on a much needed vacation (or whatever you decide to tell her and NO, you don't give her your destination or phone numbers)!! I REALLY NEED to kick back and slow down...DOCTOR'S ORDERS!!! "SO, You'll need to have someone else care for you starting x date. (Mark it on her calendar!!) When I return (it's OK to not tell her that date and may be best not to!!), I'd like to go for lunch, etc. now and then, BUT I'll have to obey my doctor's orders and relax more, put up my feet, etc. I wish this wasn't the case, but I'm getting older, too." I can't tell from what you've said, what kind of relationship her daughter has with her. Either woman could be quite self-centered or both are or neither is and they just don't want to believe your neighbor is so needy. WHATEVER. Back away from this ball and chain situation. Be loving to yourself!!! SO: Please make other arrangements, to start on such and such date. (If you really enjoy her friendship, say so. If not, don't say ANYTHING that she can then use to yank you back into servitude). Good luck! Remember, you matter as much as she does. The better you take care of YOUR NEEDS FIRST, the better you are able to *enjoy* giving of yourself to others:D

Comment on My neighbor depends more on me for care than on her own family.

ShannonM — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 08:51:01 -0000

Agreed-Carol, a wonderful response. We found that in our area, so many wonderful neighbors support their friends and neighbors, and when they returned home/north for summer (as "snowbirds") the more frail neighbor counting on that support faltered. Our local aging services sees the patterns in the crisis calls they get. We did an article about this to hopefully help the adult children with awareness, as well as give some resources to assist (http://www.agingwisely.com/what-happens-when-moms-neighbors-head-north-for-the-summer/)....esp. as we also run across elders who unfortunately have no family (or only elderly sisters and brothers, etc.). If sticking to it is tough, you might also consider if there's a trip you've been meaning to take...give the family time to prepare, explain when you will be away so that they know they need to have things in place prior. Being away may help you and them in easing the transition. Kudos to all the amazing neighbors out there that do so much!

Comment on My neighbor depends more on me for care than on her own family.

donoharm — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 14:24:08 -0000

Carol: A beautiful, loving response. Concise and thorough. When caregiving, we forget who we are. The 'sandwich method,' another plus. Gentle yet firm, non obstructive and guilt free. Thank you.

Comment on I don't want to visit my mother anymore.

jpreaves — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 13:58:19 -0000

Even though my wife is not as far along as your Mother, already I know your feelings must be the same as most caregivers. You should never feel guilty for any feelings that surface as you go along this trail. There are times when I feel that no one knows or cares about my wife or about me as a caregiver. Now you know there are many praying for you. When we are tired these negative thoughts creep into our minds. My wife has one longtime friend who never seems to tire of visiting her. If it weren't for her my wife and I would be alone. I just keep telling myself that if the situation were reversed, she would do the same for me. Keep reading these comments people write.......they can see you and me both through these negative feelings we get at times. God Bless you, Jean-Paul

Comment on Dad's killing himself to take care of Mom.

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Comment on Dad's killing himself to take care of Mom.

abgling — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 14:18:16 -0000

Comment on My dad is the one who is sick, but it's my mom who's the problem!

COdell — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 13:52:48 -0000

Welcome, Susan! You are so right--you are NOT alone! No one should care-give without a tribe to surround them with support and encouragement, and that's exactly what you'll find at Caring.com. There are so many great articles and helpful info (not to mention new friends) on Caring.com--so get acquainted and I hope you'll keep reading. ~Carol O'Dell

Comment on My dad is the one who is sick, but it's my mom who's the problem!

Susan B — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 04:16:55 -0000

I just signed up today, but It's nice to see that I'm not alone. My mom is starting to have memory problems. I'm the only child, and the only caregiver. Don't know what the future holds, but at least I know that there's others out here like me. Thank you all......

Comment on I'm thinking of leaving my spouse, who has Parkinson's.

LadyDawn — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 18:20:39 -0000

You have received a wonderful answer. Take care of yourself first. Start looking for a part time job, you will find one. Move to another bedroom. It is time to tell him that his past and present behaviour is not acceptable. That he can no longer speak to you in this manner. Find community resources which can assist with care for your husband during your (new/future) working hours if you decide to remain in the residence. Ask your adult children for assistance with their father. Set up a schedule which allows you several hours of freedom/peace every day. Make sure you are familiar with the health aids which he might need from wheelchairs, potty chairs, adult protective underwear, whatever. Get a home health care assesment. If you decide to remain for financial reasons, make sure that you are protected in terms of ownership of the residence (survivorship or transfer upon death deed at the least). Make sure that you are the primary beneficiary of any life insurance policies. Since he didn't protect you emotionally during your long marriage, protecting you financially should be a priority. You can always contest a will which ignores you. Many states have allow for the wife to be entitled to 50% of the estate. Do an online check of the legal requirements in your state. You do not have to be a victim any longer. You also need the medical releases so that you can discuss his care with his doctors. If you don't want to do this, speak to your children. . Whether you leave or stay, please understand that the most important thing is to love yourself. You have so much abuse to overcome that it is important that you address and begin to resolve those feelings. When he speaks to you in a cold and unfeeling way, address that. Tell him that PD or not, this is unacceptable. Do that every time he verbally abuses you. You don't need to yell. Just calmly explain to him that he needs to address you with respect. When you allow yourself this dignity, you will be another step closer to loving yourself. Please get involved with other activities. Invite people to the house or go to a museum, a movie, a park, whatever. Find what makes you smile. Do what makes you the person you intend to be. You are not alone, There are many people who overstayed their marriages for their children and/or financial security. Don't give up the opportunity to take back your life. Try it in the house first. It might just work for you.

Comment on My dad is the one who is sick, but it's my mom who's the problem!

Marly26 — Sat, 19 Mar 2011 03:27:18 -0000

I myself being a Healthcare Provider is for you to go and pick up a book about Alzeimhers'. Dont' say anything to your mom that you brought it, just set it in a place that you yourself will know she will find it. She may sit and read some it and it may give her some answers. I would also call an Access Centre in your Community to have Homecare come in. Sometimes when its another person and not family, your mom may open up to a stranger, this being said she can then relate to you what she has learned. I honestly dont' think your mom would remove her once everything is set in place. Is it possible that your mom blames herself for what is happening? Try and feel her out, if so you can have a heart to heart and re-assure her this is not the case. With your mom always making the home decisions she doesn't understand now why your father is fighting back. Try and explain to her that its' not really him, its his illness. What he says' he doesnt' know. People with Alzheimers' can either be the quiet type or the unquiet. Explain to your mom that with his disease and her arguing with him, he could actually hurt her and by no means' intentionally. If this were to happen he would then be placed in a Facility. Its' obvious she loves your dad dearly but just doesn't understand what is happening to him. This is where the Agency comes in and will explain to your mom what is actually happening. At this point I see your mom thinking "hes' doing this intentionally to hurt her". He would never hurt her intentionally which I am sure you know. If it has gotten to the point of her not being able to handle his outbursts' etc. then perhaps make an appointment with your fathers' Physician. Tell him of the treatment he is receiving, that your mom doesn't understand and your fathers' Physician will actually have him admitted to a Facility. He has the power to do so. My father in law cared for his wife for 2yrs. with Alzeimhers', he would carry her, had someone come in and stay with her if he needed to go out. It got to the point that he couldn't handle it. She ended up taking a fall out of bed and busting her nose. He rushed her to the hospital where he seen their Physican. She simply said, "you can no longer do this" we are admitting her into the Manor. At this point my father in law couldn't take it anymore and it was actually a big weight lifted off of his shoulders'. She would stay awake at nights, sleep alot during the day. When it came to "sundowning" this is called this because when the sun goes down they seem to go into hyper mode. Their could be a coat rack in the bdrm. and they will think its someone standing their. This is where a good idea is to leave a light on in the bdrm. so you are actually fooling them that it isnt' dark outside. I can certainly relate with your mom of being afraid of losing your father, and this in turn is making her angry. Its' like "why, what did I do". This is where you have to come in and explain that she has done nothing wrong to make him the way he is, she needs comfort but doesn't know how to ask. It is so hard, especially with them being together for so many years. Its' like your father isn't her husband anymore, a stranger has stepped in. This is where I do believe if you find a book on Alzeimhers' that is easy to understand, she may just pick it up. So many questions she is dealing with and they are going unanswered. Pls. get in touch with your fathers' Physician and in the meantime call an Agency who has Homecare, the Case Manager will come out or the nurse and explain to your mom what is actually happening. You can be there when this takes place. It would be good for you to ask questions that you think your mom would, this way she is getting her questions answered that she was so scared to ask. My heart goes out to her. Believe me, your mom is confused, shes' trying to do what she thinks is right but not understanding the disease itself. Make a list of things about Alzeimhers', answers/questions and ask your mom if she has some free time to visit with her. Let her know that you love her, your concerned and you really would love to help her. This way she will not feel like she is being attacked, I do hope with all of my heart that this works for you. I will be thinking of you and your family! I know nothing is written in stone but pls. dont' feel angry with her, she is feeling this herself, she doesn't need another level added to her own anger and yours and your sisters'. Be there for her, the chips will fall and her heart will be broken. Make this something to have the family so much closer together, help one another, it is so important it is crucial. Take care!

Comment on How much say do I have in determining who is guardian over me and my affairs?

Marly26 — Sat, 19 Mar 2011 02:49:26 -0000

If you already have a guardian but not someone who is listening and understanding your medical needs its time for a change. If you have no family members' or next of kin who is younger than yourself then contact the Legal Guardianship and explain your situation. They will guide and help you in finding someone who is more than willing to put you first. You are the most important, your health, wealthfare, bank accounts' etc. should all as well factor into this. Pls. do this immediately. It is obvious that your Guardianship that you now have is not taking his/her responsibilities seriously. What your asking is going in one ear and out the other. You can also contact a Lawyer of your choice, I do hope that you are still of sound mind so that you are able to voice yourself to whoever you see. As for your bank accounts' their should be your name and your Guardians' name on your account, however any monies taken out should have to be signed by both of you, not just your Guardian. You should also have a Living Will which is where everything is mentioned as to your needs, i.e. clothing,meals,dental/doctor visits etc. Their is no need for you to give a copy of your Power of Attorney (Guardian) unless something is to happen to you. Only then should they be able to read what you have entrusted them with, what you want done with your estate, your money,etc. I would really look into pre-paying for your funeral. This way you know what you want, how you want it. Then there can be no arguement from even any family who you are not close to to say anything. This is something that you have taken care of, not someone else. Again, pls. do this as soon as possible, by you saying that already your Guardian is not doing things that you have asked even regarding your dental issues' their is something not right. They again should be doing everything in their power to treat you civily and respectfully, otherwise if they cant' do that then they are neglecting their responsibilities. Again get in touch with a Lawyer, an Access Manager from an Agency who provides Homecare etc. Someone who is very much interested in your Activities of Daily Living (ADL). You are going to need someone if not already to assist you with all of your home duties such as laundry, clean clothing, bathing, haircare (Salon) etc. Do this as fast as you can and again, your Guardianship need not have access to your papers' until it is absolutely necessary. Your lawyer can explain to this said individual that they will be taken care of, nothing more needs to be said. This way your not making promises', yes maybe in your Living Will but they need not know about it. As well, so much of your money should be banked for paying your house bills, groceries, clothing,paying this someone to care for you,etc. I wish you luck, as a Homecare Provider myself, and believe me, I have heard many stories, good/bad. Do this for yourself. All of this that you discuss with your Lawyer is your privacy not that of anyone else. Good luck my dear and I wish you well.

Comment on I have cancer and am ready to let go, but my daughter wants me to fight.

The Caregiver's Voice — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 15:44:51 -0000

A dear caregiver friend of mine also fighting COPD, held up her hand when death came knocking. Her cancer retreated. She took a year to straighten out her affairs and made sure her daughters grown-up daughters were able to spend time with her. When death came knocking at her door once more, she was able to let go with peace. We can never know how hard the battle is until we're fighting it ourselves. Trust those who are on the journey of their lives and learn by asking questions and gaining knowledge. Who knows? They're way of handling it might help you when you have your own battle to fight. I am curious, given the 2009 date of the original post, what the outcome was in this situation.

Comment on My husband is making me choose between him and my dad.

mariannew — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 13:43:26 -0000

The statement "Dad's need for care will only increase, etc." Daughter should hire a geriatric case manager or insist that Dad go to assisted living, or move closer to her so she can participate in his care. There is a difference in participating in the care and PROVIDING hands on care which certainly could end the marriage. Then what? Dad is ill, husband is gone, Dad dies, and daughter is left with nothing but angry feelings toward all.

Comment on How can I reunite my family?

mariannew — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 13:39:03 -0000

Honesty about the fact that brother and mother have to make their own peace, and to give him encouragement.

Comment on My widowed dad lives alone and isolates himself too much.

RAJWATEE — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 23:44:58 -0000

GRAND CHILDREN AND THE YOUNG ONES IN THE FAMILY DOES SEEM LIKE AN INCENTIVE FOR THE LONGIVITY OF THE ELDERS , GREATER STILL IS THE CHILD WHO CARES ENOUGH TO GIVE GRAND MA/PA A FEW MOMENTS OF THEIR LIVES .

Comment on My widowed dad lives alone and isolates himself too much.

RAJWATEE — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 23:41:23 -0000

JUST THE FACT THAT SHE IS SO CONCERNED FOR HER DAD .I SEE A LOT OF KIDS WHO ARE SO ENGROSSED WITH THEIR OWN LIVES THAT THEY JUST SHRUG THEIR PARENTS TO THE SIDE . BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO HAS AT LEAST ONE LOVED ONE LEFT .

Comment on My husband is making me choose between him and my dad.

Emily M. — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 22:32:14 -0000

Hi saunemm, Thanks for your comment. I'm so sorry to hear about all the stress and pressure you are dealing with, on top of a bad back. There are a few great resources on Caring.com that may help you find your answer. The first is our Ask & Answer section (http://www.caring.com/questions/new) where you can ask your question to our community and experts. We also have a great Forums section (http://www.caring.com/forums) where you can start a new thread about your situation and have other caregivers weigh in. I hope that helps, I wish you the best of luck and hope you feel better soon. -- Emily

Comment on I have cancer and am ready to let go, but my daughter wants me to fight.

Anonymous — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 16:37:36 -0000

The ways to explain what you want to your children

Comment on I have cancer and am ready to let go, but my daughter wants me to fight.

frena — Sun, 06 Mar 2011 15:42:39 -0000

i've seen a number of elders go through horrendous treatments in response to a kind of emotional blackmail from family members unable to face the reality of death and loss. i really commend your clarity and courage. perhaps your daughter most needs to hear how you love her and don't want to leave her, but that you can't carry the pain and suffering any longer -- and that it wouldn't help. don't hesitate to get help on your side. contact hospice ASAP and they will be able to support your journey and also to help your daughter in her struggles. they have therapists who could help the two of you have those very important conversations. probably she needs to hear a) that you're not doing this to run away from her (emotional suffering and divorce makes most people self-centered for a while and she isn't thinking of you right now); b) that you love her dearly; c) that you yourself have suffered through treatments which ultimately have not in fact healed you and which have seriously affected you; that d) everyone dies. do reach out to hospice as soon as you can and you will find they will walk with you through all of this and with your daughter and they will also help her with her sense of loss and grief after your death. it'll be your greatest gift to her apart from just loving her and forgiving her neediness. many blessings for your journey and i so admire your maturity to recognize when treatment is no longer appropriate and can't help.

Comment on My husband is making me choose between him and my dad.

saunemm — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 15:53:38 -0000

Hi, i am also in a strange situation with my father 94 who came to live with us a couple of years ago. We were living as a family in England, then i left and married abroad. Many years later my parents and went back to their own country to live the rest of their lives. So my mother died and that left dad alone for a couple of years. The decision to ask him to move in was made with my husband although to be honest he couldn't have said no, as i had looked after both his parents until they died. I too 'convinced' my dad to come and stay.Dont forget we are now living abroad on a small meditteranean island with no elderly care available. Things eventually smoothed out as we all got used to each other, mostly because i would always smooth problems with a joke but firmly. sounds great, yes? but now I have a very bad back problem and have been told i must have an op.which may or may not be successful. Having discussed the problem with hubby i then broached dad, well, no way jose.. he's now started to have tantrums and gets rude and sarcastic about abandonment and not caring, not being a good daughter, that i'm duty bound,wants special meals,more attention and generally bad behaviour. His mind is very agile going from one argument to another before I've given a full anwer. my life is just hell on earth cos i did promise i would look after him, but my home and work life is falling apart. What to do??

Comment on My husband is making me choose between him and my dad.

DGraab — Fri, 04 Mar 2011 19:00:18 -0000

I shared this blog post on Caring.com's Facebook fan page ( http://www.facebook.com/caringcom ), and here is some of the feedback it generated there... "I am glad to see a discussion about this. The cost of being a caregiver is more than most people think. Thank you for bringing this topic up." // "I was in the same position. I told my husband that I was going to have to move out and take care of My Momma, who had Alzheimer's Disease, and if any man is a God fearing man, he will understand what you have to do to ...take care of your parents. My husband told me that if I didn't take care of my Moma, he didn't think that he could love me. Does your husband really love you? What is God thinking about the way your husband is treating you? Would your dad turn his back on you? I'm so thankful that I was able to spend my Momma's last year of her life with her in her home...Would you be at peace if you put your dad in a nursing home? I was Momma's caregiver off and on for over 16 years and her constant caregiver for a little over 1 year. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat. Good luck with your decision. Praying will help you, and I will pray that you come to the decision that is right for you." // "Tell your husband, ok Dad won't move in. But I will not take care of you when you need it either...... seriously, choose your Dad and kick hubby to the curb." // "If it was me, I'd leave that selfish guy so fast his head would spin. I'll never understand how some folks can be so heartless. :( I will pray for you." // "A decent husband wouldn't put you in that position."

Comment on My husband is making me choose between him and my dad.

RRC — Fri, 04 Mar 2011 15:50:10 -0000

I feel for you.. My wife who died last May was a very caring person. Through out her life she cared for her grandmother,father and mother. I was not a very understanding person all those years. I was selfish and never sick enough that I needed help. I did not threaten to leave but seeked companionship elsewhere.for which I am very ashamed of and very sorry. That was a bad choice by me and I am glad she gave me a second chance. I never really learned family values or needs until my wife came down with Alzheimer's. Sounds like your husbands being selfish. If you were newly weds I could understand his feelings. You both have had many years together and he should allow you to care for your parent. You have a hard choice to make but if you abandon your father feeling as you do you will never forgive yourself or your husband.

Comment on My husband is making me choose between him and my dad.

a Redneck Angel — Thu, 03 Mar 2011 22:08:18 -0000

I once told my husband of 23 years after an argument about my parents that he better not make me choose between him & them; that it would be no choice. He backed down & never mentioned it again. I am not even that close to my parents, but I think that if he really cares, this should not be an issue. Some times when one partner is thinking of leaving, the other hasn't a clue what s/he is thinking. This may just be the "reason" he is looking for... On the other hand, I would give a try to asking him to help you solve the dilemma . There are several alternate, if not exactly "as good" soluntions; asssisted living near-by, an nearby apartment, even building an "apartment" as an addition to your house. My centerian Mom lives in "me"-assisted living little trailor in my yard (I have plenty of room, I live on a farm--my HUSBAND's family farm). Get your siblings to help pay for this. If they won't, make your Dad aware that they aren't helping & have him assign whatever he would to all of you--to you. If your husband is not open to any suggestions & void of any solutions. I'd say you are better off knowing now then later. The sooner you make a new start, the easier it will be.

Comment on My husband is making me choose between him and my dad.

The Viking — Thu, 03 Mar 2011 20:51:01 -0000

You totally ignored the personality of the father. Maybe the husband just can't stand him. My husband's parents lived with us for 6 months and I also threatened divorce. I totally understand where the husband in this case is coming from. They finally left and my husband and I have lived happily ever after since. Decide how important your marriage is to you, because having your father move in will destroy it.

Comment on My husband is making me choose between him and my dad.

frena — Thu, 03 Mar 2011 16:21:38 -0000

i'm with susan jane on this! a big change like Dad coming to live permanently totally alters a marriage life and there's no pretending it doesn't. neither does the fact that this is someone's father alter that. the central part of marriage is the relationship of the two marriage partners. it's not surprising that the husband is so unreceptive under the apparent circumstances of no discussion, no agreement, no nothing apparently. just, "Hey, Dad's coming to live with us." that said, perhaps the two of them could get together with someone to expertly guide talking this through and making a negotiation that works for both. usually, as far as i see this in families -- and believe me, i've seen lots -- when one parent had forced a child to "promise" anything about care, that's a bully move from a parent whose regular mode of control has been exactly that. not leaving someone "alone" doesn't mean there's no alternative to moving them into your own house. there are many other choices, a number of which might well be much better suited to a gentleman of 85. clearly this questioner hasn't even looked at what alternative there are out there. the idea of sending someone to a "nursing home" is about 50- years out -of-date now. there are all kinds of places and styles of residence for elders and frankly many of them can do much better than families can. for example, families hardly ever actually plan care, entertainment and companionship suitable and adequate for their resident parent. they think, quite wrongly in most cases, that just being under the same roof takes care of all that. well, guys, it doesn't. you aren't necessarily the gift to your older parent that you might imagine. so there! so instead of tussling with her husband, whom apparently she didn't consult with, it's going to work better with some guidance, with some research locally into what there is to help them either way, with looking at alternative residence possibilities in their area and then together with the husband working out the plan. she needs to be listening to the "love of her life" and behaving as if his opinions matter and working it out from there together with him. no point in killing the marriage with refusal to listen or talk or negotiate. she's signaling that he doesn't matter as much as someone who lived 1,200 away.

Comment on My husband is making me choose between him and my dad.

Susan Jane — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 21:51:31 -0000

I think there's a clue in the writer's second paragraph: "I've convinced him to stay with me permanently." Dad would not be staying with HER, he'd be staying with THEM. Let's think about this logically. Either she discussed it with hubby, or she didn't, before she ever "convinced" Dad. If she didn't, no wonder hubby's upset. If she did, and he expressed his objections, and she went ahead anyway, well, no wonder he's upset. It seems to me that if Dad has come to stay for two months at a time on a couple of occasions, they've gotten a pretty good taste of what it would be like to have him there permanently. Clearly, there's something that has given her husband grave doubts about this arrangement. This is a life-changing decision for BOTH her and her husband. He has got to buy in FIRST. If they're fighting before dad has even moved in, think about what it's going to be like with a frail, elderly person in the house who requires intensive care. I disagree that her husband's reaction is "irrational." I think it makes all kinds of sense. If he is angry and resentful, their marriage WILL fall apart. Maybe he's just trying to cut his losses without all the drama first. Why not investigate some other living arrangement? Assisted Living, as opposed to a nursing home? Or a senior apartment with home health care? If you are really committed to your marriage, you're going to have to validate your husband's misgivings and try to reach some solution together. Think about your future. Your Dad, in all honesty, probably won't be around too much longer. Do you really want to be grieving his death with no partner to help you through it? It sounds like you will get very little support from other family members either. Believe me, this is not a route you want to travel alone. I really feel for all of you. I know what it's like to want to do the right thing for your parents. But you have to do the right thing by your own marriage, and that has to start by taking his feelings and objections under consideration.

Comment on My sister has breast cancer, and I don't feel her husband is giving her adequate care.

The Viking — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 14:56:18 -0000

Having lost a sister, I understand your fear and pain. However, having had breast cancer, I must tell you that your brother-in-law is also in fear and pain. He is facing the possibility of losing his wife. He may be taking it a little too far, but the worst thing he can do is treat his wife like a victim. If you really want to help, do extensive research on the the available treatments and review them with your sister. She will decide what is best for her, as I did. A year later I am cancer free. A positive attitude goes a long way in a situation like this.

Comment on My dad talks about dying all the time -- and it's not good for him or me!

:-( — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 20:17:35 -0000

Sometimes when people are near death, they just seem to know it. I applaud your Dad fo taking care of his final details. My mother did that many years before her death. She even selected her casket. We asked her to not buy her own flowers...to at least let us do that. It gives them a sense of peace to know that burden will not fall on you. So what if he had attended to those details and it is years down the road before he needs it...at least it is done. We children think that because they have always been there, they will always be there. Not so. Perhaps he is suffering from depression but maybe this is how he works through it. Don't be so hard on him until you have walked in his shoes. My husband had triple bypass at age 61. His recovery was long but today he is fine and living life fully. He managed to get through it without anxiety meds. For evry med you take, you have to consider whether the side effect is worse than the condition being treated.

Comment on My dad talks about dying all the time -- and it's not good for him or me!

Anonymous — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 18:35:43 -0000

The recognition of the need for consideration of treatment for the depression that often follows heart disease treatment and the need for the adult child to set boundaries for participating in conversations caused by the depressed mood of the parent - as well as practical solutions for mutual relief.

Comment on My dad talks about dying all the time -- and it's not good for him or me!

Razer — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 07:56:59 -0000

Hope my comment could be of a help to you dear Carol. If you can see a Homeopathic Doctor for an advise on this issue that would be of a great help to ease your father's depression. There are a lot of patients who fear their death and even predict the day and time for their death which of despair from life and he thinks that there is nothing that remains for him in this world. There was a fried on mine whose father had the same problem. Who predicted his time and day of death, on consultation to the surgeons in Pakistan they toled him to be treated surgically with a chance of 1% life expectancy. After his consultation to a Homeopathic Doctor he advised him a medicine and everything cleared up in a week period. He is enjoying his life with his family now.

Comment on My dad talks about dying all the time -- and it's not good for him or me!

hvto — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 22:56:14 -0000

If nothing else, you can use this time to really discuss end of life issues and complete a living will. Talk it out completely and then do your living will, too. It is important to have your fears acknowledged. The more they are ignored, the more dramatic the need to be heard. I would be very interested to hear his thoughts on your end of life wishes. It really could be a gift for both of you and if he has a living will already (I suspect he did it before the surgery) discussing your wishes would be a different focus and may bring to your attention some of the fears thoughts he is experiencing. Once discussed, just feed the positive moments and starve the negative ones. You will now be able to say, "we discussed that already" so let's talk about how to enjoy life until the very end.

Comment on My dad talks about dying all the time -- and it's not good for him or me!

Chelios — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 18:02:14 -0000

Maybe sharing some success stories with your father might help. My mother had triple by-pass surgery in her 70's and lived a full and very active life for eight years after the surgery. She made sure that she went through the full three months of re-hab (which included cardio and strength training) after her surgery. She had more energy after the surgery then she had for years before. She passed away eight years later, ironically, from an illness unrelated to her heart. If your father gets up and gets going by finding something to live for like my mother did, he should do very well.

Comment on My dad talks about dying all the time -- and it's not good for him or me!

Poupon — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 15:05:08 -0000

It is so important to put patients like this on anti-anxiety medication. We throw the stuff at everyone younger, when most of us wold nenefit by doing other things (more exercise, learning better coping skills) but this population may not be able to learn those things, plus their brand of fear is not one they can rationalize away. We're going through the very same thing with my FIL, who (get this!) actually phoned my dh from the hospital at dawn one day to tell him he was already dead, because he had had no vital signs for an hour. My FIL has COPD/emphyzema. He's slowly being smothereed to death. he has had this for several years now, and has been pulling this dying stunt the whole time. But now he has added paranoia that he's going to be put in a facility for dementia, and outlandish racism (everyone is suddenly "Muslim" therefor out to get him) to his repretoire. And people say teenagers are offensive?!!!! My teens are appalled by him, not the other way around. and alas, he doesn't have dementia to blame for it. What is to blame is he has probably always had a personality disorder of dependency. His brother confirms that he was a clingy child t who married a woman who lived to catered to his every whim, and now that she is gone he's angry and bitter and blaming the world. Here is the bottom line.It is a two parter. First, No one, not even the terminally ill, have a right to behave this way. My FIL has a community at his independent living center that do not deserve to be subjected to it, and he has roomates when he is in the hospital. Who are as sick ashe is and do not deseve it, nor do his caregiverr or his family. Second, anyone dealing with seriously ill patients needs to begin to treat depression and anxiety just as they would the rest of their illness. Not ONE of the many doctors caring for my FIL asks his permission to trewt him for all his other maladies. But When we ask them to treat him for depressiona nd anxiety, they demure, and either avoid it or timidly ask him, which he takes as their thinking he doesn't need it. It is a terrible double standsrd. What it. took for my FIL to be put on anti-anxiety meds was my refusing to deal with him in any way until he is. I have a child who may be as sick as he is (she is being tested for lupus and leukemia) and II can't take the additional stress, nor can she. Only once my dh and I began talking about putting him out on an ice flue like Eskimos wisely did in order to keep an elder from destrying the whole family, did his doctors listen. It is outrageous that it has to get to that point. It's just plain bad medicine.

Comment on My dad talks about dying all the time -- and it's not good for him or me!

jdnglo — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 14:26:42 -0000

I hdd a quadrupple bipass 4 yearsa ago and due to congestive heart failure after surgery, I went through a depression period where I thought my days were numbered but each day I felt better and now I enjoy each day that I have because 30 or 40 years ago, I wouldn't have had the benefit of the bi-pass and a second chance at life. I'm now 631/2 and going to retire and enjoy life. 79 is not old. My father in-law is 84 and is still working (his choice).

Comment on How can I get my sister to spend more time with Mom?

skepticalhusband — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 13:45:33 -0000

we have the opposite problem...my dad (cor pulmonale) chose for he and my mom (dementia) to live with my sister...except my sister doesn't have much time for them! They pay for almost everything for my sister and her two children while my sister works full time, has fun and dates and then occasionally drives them to drs. appts. and sporadically helps them with meds or assists with compression socks. There is so much more that could be done to help with their comfort and safety and it is galling to think we offered but they chose her instead.

Comment on How can I convince my mom to use her cane or walker instead of being embarrassed about them?

cjdoppler — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 21:17:40 -0000

My first thought coincides with the two posters who advised to decorate it. My husband STILL refuses to use a cane and/or walker and he falls all the time! We've been lucky that nothing's been broken yet but all in due time I suppose. I've gone from being gentle, to tricky, humorous, etc.. it's come to the point where I'm just outright blunt about it and had to get angry to get the nerve to tell him that if something happens to him, I'm the one who will be inconvenienced in the end and to quit being so selfish about his disease! I've begged, pleaded, gotten decorative and just nothing worked. His excuses have all come down to degrading my efforts and informing me that I'm not a doctor and have no clue what he needs. So my recent efforts have included threatening to have the doctor take away his driver's license and certain freedoms he still cherishes. I told him this past week to either go pick one out that he likes and use it or I'll make sure the doctor is called EVERY time he falls until more forceful intervention is required. He made sure I'd 'pay' for this one, so he picked out an extremely expensive one and to me, this is well worth the price paid if he uses it (he hasn't used it yet though). Perhaps the only thing that will help our stubborn loved ones is for them to cause damage to themselves? I don't know, but I do hope you realize your efforts and stress aren't without empathy from others in your place. May the Lord be with them until they accept their limitations and with us as we stand by their sides with love.

Comment on How do I stop feeling guilty that I killed my sister through neglect?

kimic — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 17:33:03 -0000

To the person who lost their Mother & Sister, You do the best you can in life. Sometimes things happen we cant help. My Mother lost her battle with cancer 4 months ago. She was diagaonsed 3 years ago. The crazy thing is my fiance's mother passed away the day after my mother. So he was with his family and I had to be with my family was a very hard time for both of us. Im sure you did the best you could for your sister. Just remeber the good times. And know that you where thir for her when she needed you. I wish you well.

Comment on How can I convince my mom to use her cane or walker instead of being embarrassed about them?

LadyDawn — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 16:01:50 -0000

Ms O'Dell has already pointed out that the refusal to be seen with a walking/gait aid can be an instant reaction against being seen as an aging person who needs help. It is not just them image she resents, it is the disease itself to which she is reacting. This isn't denial, it is an attempt to say that she is still independent and doesn't need help. The problem is that to remain indemendent she needs to adapt. She's going to feel much more vulnerable if she falls. Her way of fighting the aging should be nobility and grace. Perhaps you can appeal to her self-esteem in another way. If you can afford it, and in this case it is worth the investment, don't be practical, be lavish. Find a really beautiful cane, one or even two that actually make fashion statements and will complement her outfits. She needs to be a trend setter and not an aging patient. I know that my husband resented having to use a cane in public but as Postural Instability was one of his earliest symptoms, he didn't have much choice. Although he managed to misplace them constantly in his denial, I just bought more inexpensive ones so that he could protect himself.. For outdoor use such as working in the yard or walking the neiborhood, you could try a hiking stick - there are some great primitive looking ones which people of all ages and with no disabling conditions use. They are usually used with backpacks but perhaps she might appreciate the image if she can grip it well. She needs to see herself as making the very best of an unpleasant situation. I would also mention that if balance and gait are a problem, exercise is crucial. Yoga and aqua-therapy for balance. Marching is great for wider leg/foot placement and gait rhythm. Pick a hall and let the parade begin. Stretching for posture, balance, flexibility is also important. And don't overlook the benefits of medical massage on a regular basis if feasible. She'll feel more relaxed and look even better.

Comment on How can I convince my mom to use her cane or walker instead of being embarrassed about them?

Connie Lambert, PT, CCM, PhD — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 14:57:52 -0000

I had a very similar problem. My mother, in her late 70's, cared more for appearance than for safety. When she had a hip replacement she willing used the walker for 4 weeks because she had an acceptable reason. But when it came time to using a cane or walker for balance and safety she refused. She didn't want to be considered one of the old ladies. No amount of reasoning could convince her to use a cane. I even used the scare tactic of how embarrassed she would be when she fell down in public and broke her hip. When nothing worked I gave up for a few weeks. Then I decided to use her vanity as a tool. I found the latest model of cane and then I decorated it with designer bling. It was very tastefully done. She still refused to use it but I went to Sunday school and church with her the next Sunday and carried it myself. Everyone loved it. When they asked me where I bought it I said I made it for my mother. Several people wanted me to make one for them reflecting their own personality. Now my mother's cane is a fashion statement. She has a few and she redecorates them regularly. Everyone in the community loves to see what she will "wear" on her cane next. It may have been an elaborate scheme but it worked and she is no longer stumbling along. Good luck!

Comment on Am I a cold fish because I didn't break down over my dad's death?

areensee — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 08:53:47 -0000

Everyone grieves differently. My mother had multi-infarct dementia and disabling chronic physical illness as well. When she died, I felt that I lost a piece of my heart, but I did not cry at all when she died, or when we buried her. Two weeks later, my 10-year old Labrador Retriever was diagnosed with bone cancer, and I had to have been euthanized. I cried uncontrollably when the life left his body. I felt guilty because I had cried for my dog, but not for the women who bore me, raised me and loved me all through the years. Eventually I came to realize that I had experienced anticipatory grief for my mother, during the months of her serious illness. I was glad that she no longer suffered, and my tears wouldn't have added to the relief that she was now safe with our Lord. When my dog died, I experienced a rush of old and new grief. My tears weren't just for my dog and for loss of my companion, it was for my mother too.

Comment on I took care of Dad, but he left his money to my brother. Now I’m broke, and my brother won't help me.

areensee — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 08:46:00 -0000

This article fails to recognize the desperate nature of the writer. She is poor and has poured out money which could have been spent on her own family and her own bills. She is the victim of an injustice. She has legal rights and it is time to pursue these rights. She can sue the other sibling who got the money, sue her father's estate or challenge the will. She may very well have a case. If her estranged brother isn't interested in being fair and just, then she can and should utilize the courts to do so. Sometimes families are not as important as justice. There are times to grief the loss of the "ideal" family, and pursue surrogate relationships instead. These can be more meaningful, and more helpful when it comes to coping with life.

Comment on I took care of Dad, but he left his money to my brother. Now I’m broke, and my brother won't help me.

areensee — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 08:39:51 -0000

I disagree with the expert's suggestion that she forget the money. When you're poor and desperate, how can one just say "forget about the money"! Get an attorney and sue! Sue your brother or sure your father's estate. Challenge the will, do whatever you have to to try and recover some of what you have lost! Sometimes families are not as important as justice.

Comment on How do I stop feeling guilty that I killed my sister through neglect?

areensee — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 08:35:39 -0000

I do help that the person who asked this question seeks help. This isn't something that this person should be going through alone. It has all the earmarks of clinical depression, and without help this will escalate into something potentially deadly or at the very least it will impair functionality and the desire to grow and prosper. The details of the situation aren't given succinctly but I read into the story that the other family members may be blaming this person for the death of the sister. I pray that this person will realize that this is something that can't be handled alone, and seek help from a trained professional.

Comment on How do I stop feeling guilty that I killed my sister through neglect?

bleu232 — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 09:10:20 -0000

Oh Hon I feel your pain and I do not think I could say anything that has not already been said. You cannot kill someone in six months through neglect when you stated you had her in daycare while your worked. If you new she only had six months to live would it have changed anything? No, you still had to work and she would still need daycare. If anything you gave her time to be around other people. How great that was for her grief from the loss of a mother. She could have been hanging on for your mother. Follow the help you have gotten here. It has been amazing. I will pray for you .

Comment on How do I stop feeling guilty that I killed my sister through neglect?

Granny2Grandsons — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 01:18:10 -0000

Just one more very important piece of advice I neglected to include. I have been under the care of a pyschiatrist and pschyologist for almost 5 years now. A month ago, I switched my psychologist because I felt I hadn't been making any "head-way" in 5 years. In just one month, I cannot express what a 180 degree turn my new psychologist has done for me. At my last visit, he commented that I "actually had a glow about me". Something I haven't felt in a very long time! His suggestions were so simple yet so powerful. I felt like an idiot for not thinking the way on the suggestions made to me. As he also told me, "the path of depression, guilt, death of loved one - doesn't allow us to think the way we used to do". One day, I will get it all back! I can finally see some light! So, please for just yourself - get some professional help. If it isn't working, don't wait as long as I did to change doctors! This past month has been extremely rewarding for me - I finally feel like I'm on the path of recovery!! Please stay strong for yourself - no one else can do it for you! No matter how much you talk with your family, some of them just don't want to hear about it because they don't know what to do. All you need is for them to listen and they just don't "get it". And in my case, after 36+ years of marriage, my husband "couldn't handle it and moved out". Sending hugs and prayers - hoping for you to listen to yourself and your own advice - only you know if it is time to seek professional help. We are human beigns and have emotions - we are not crazy!!!!!

Comment on Am I a cold fish because I didn't break down over my dad's death?

SallyC — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 00:41:51 -0000

I find that as my 90+ parents continue to get more frail and demented, I continue to accept the fact that they will die someday, and they are ready for that. We make the best of our time together and go for "quality of life, not quantity" at this point. My siblings who are farther away seem like they will have a hard time when they pass. I have been slowly accepting their eventual death with each visit and each physical or mental decline. I expect that my constant contact with them has helped me to accept the inevitable better than my siblings. But we all choose how we will respond and cope with a parent's decline, and I don't want more from them than they can give.

Comment on How do I stop feeling guilty that I killed my sister through neglect?

Sandi Elzinga — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 22:51:38 -0000

Know that you are not alone, I felt guilt after my husband died, because I had promised I'd be with him when he died and I had stepped out of the room for a few minutes and wasn't there. It takes awhile to get over this, but you definately will. For further encouragement, check out my blog, GriefWalk http://sandielzinga.wordpress.com

Comment on How do I stop feeling guilty that I killed my sister through neglect?

dear one of Mort — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 22:23:15 -0000

How wise the comments and how warm to share.

Comment on How do I stop feeling guilty that I killed my sister through neglect?

dear one of Mort — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 22:18:05 -0000

The blog covered all the bases. I can only offer sympathy and a seconding of the advice given in the blog. Join a bereavement group or if this is not an option, see a therapist. You need to talk this out. If a therapist offers you medication and an appointment to return in a month, see a different therapist until you find some one who can resonate with your feelings and help you get stronger.

Comment on How do I stop feeling guilty that I killed my sister through neglect?

seekersusie — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 21:19:33 -0000

It's all about love ultimately. Giving it and letting go...you were present in their lives when they needed you and thats a good thing! You gave according to your ability. Shame is so un-necessary, and it seems to me, dirties or dishonors what happens. We all have out own walk in life, and it is a good thing to help out when you can, and then let it all go. Be free; it is our birthright. And it is what your Mother and sister are= free! How much you give depends on how much you have........for yourself and for God. And God is real, standing right by you, your Mother, your sister; all of us. Always. The thing is being loving and conscious. It is no sin to not have enough of any of that..but it does hurt. If you are out of supplies then assess what you need and go get more. How can you get more: spiritually? Psychologically? Emotionally? Any and all of the above? There are places to get more understanding, but they are not the same. Do you know anyone you trust to help you find a more objective perspective? Couselors and friends; whomever. It pays to do your own research, for there are many counselors, whether spiritual, emotional, or psychological, who can't see clearly themselves and who learn vicariously, through others in need. Learn to listen to that small voice inside you which is always there. Listen in quiet. Write about it all without censoring yourself, and this journey you find yourself on, becomes more conscious. Its so cleansing, and independent, and you can develop a discipline by this; an inner reality, honoring you, God, your Mother and sister. Sin is only a Christian concept...there are other spiritual walks based more on a balanced concept; karma..which teaches exercises to understand everything happens for reasons. Everything. "Trying" is doing and being aware it might not be in your control. If you are coming from a place of fear and self sacrifice the result is always guilt and more fear. Doing for your sister and mother...that's over now. Or could be. Time for grief and morning their loss....isn't a cut and dried process, for sure. But. It is a healthy thing to set some boundaries if you haven't already; and in that plan, a time of closure. It is time to get on with your life, or maybe not yet. But it is up to you when that time is. You don't need to go on being a victim of the changes you and your mother and sister went through. You have a choice here: simplify things and go with what feels right and good for yourself first. Loving and forgiving yourself can set you free. You deserve that.

Comment on How do I stop feeling guilty that I killed my sister through neglect?

Granny2Grandsons — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 18:02:44 -0000

I too, have felt the guilt of feeling like my Dad just gave up on life. It was when we were all together for the funeral of my 17 year old son. My Dad kept saying "Charles is all alone". I kept telling Daddy that "no, Dad - he has all of my Grandparents, some Aunts and Uncles. But Dad just kept shaking his head and saying over and over, "no, no, no". Six months and two days later, my Dad was gone. The guilt I felt after many months of helping my Mom and Dad while Dad was sick with "sudden cancer" - I knew it was my Dad's way of wanting to be with my son. My son was the first Grandchild. Both of them were great "buddies". We would go visit on 4th of July and one year my Dad was waiting for Charles to help him put the American flag out on the house. My husband had to install the holder but it was my son and Dad that put the flag in place. I am so, so glad I thought of taking a picture! I remember that day as if it were today. My guilt left me after I realize that it was what my Dad wanted so bad and God granted him the wish. I became greatful to my Dad for his sacrafice. It came from his heart for my son. But those were only 2 deaths in the sequence of 5 deaths in 9 months. My son was 2nd, Dad was 4th. My Mother and I just clinged to each other - she had just lost her first Grandchild, her Mother, Mother-in-law, husband and sister. I was just numb with my son's passing. A parent isn't suppose to bury their child - then I remembered my little sister - Mom and Dad lost her the day after she was born in 1959. We were very close as a family (with the exception of the one that we all "wrote off"). A very positive family and there when you needed them. Now, I'm the sole survivor of my childhood family. Memories no one can take away. The love in my heart keeps me going. Please, don't feel guilty. Just like your sister - she also felt her Mother needed her and there was nothing you could do about it. She wasn't happy living without her Mother. Please understand that part. No matter how close the two of you were - you were not Mom! There was just no replacement in her mind and heart! Sending hugs, prayers and hoping I helped just a little!

Comment on How do I stop feeling guilty that I killed my sister through neglect?

NRM-Nancy-Ho, TX — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 15:52:45 -0000

We had a similar situation with my mom and oldest sister. They went into a nursing home together and she died a year or so after mother did. She was an adult child but children are resilient and it was just her time to go. It is appointed once to die and it was their time. I have learned to let it go. They are rejoicing with the angels and that gives me peace plus the fact our time is limited on this earth so try to enjoy however much time you have left and peace will come. Honoe their live and rejoice that they are in a better place.

Comment on How do I stop feeling guilty that I killed my sister through neglect?

mbottitta — Sat, 19 Feb 2011 20:27:50 -0000

How do I live on doing all the things I do normally, knowing that mom has only 6months to a year left to live. I asked the doctor not to tell her. For fear she will just give up on going on. She and I are so close have been all of my life. She has done so much for me. I am not only loosing my mom but, my best and dearest closest friend too. There is not enough I can do for her. I have always felt ths way. It's almost as if I miss her already. I know I have this time to prepare for it but, it' s so so so hard. I can not imagine being without her. Thats' too much to bare but I know with each day her time is coming. I am going to miss her even more then. More than even I know. :(

Comment on How do I stop feeling guilty that I killed my sister through neglect?

Alannajane — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 23:26:56 -0000

Guilt is a horrible feeling. I have been in a grief group and therapy now for over a year. My husband died in 2009. The most important thing that you can do is be kind to yourself. Watch funny shows. Cry, Cry and cry some more. Tears are a natural and healthy thing. You did so much for your mom and your sister, know that they are in heaven together. They are both happy and healthy. You did not abandon your sister. You helped her by just being there and you know that she loves you very much. You did not see the warning signs because you were not meant to. Please just love yourself and know that your family and friends love you to. Keep living and every once in a while, you will see that you will start to smile again. Watch the sunrise or a sunset. Look for all the beautiful gifts that you have in your life. It is very hard having to grieve just keep talking to people and you also might think about depression meds. I have been on 5 different ones in the past year. I am now taking one that is actually working. I am glad as I am now starting to feel better. Know that there is no timetable for grieving. Take Care

Comment on My sister wants to pull the plug on Mom.

suyung60 — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 16:10:42 -0000

knowing that it will be my mum in a few years maybe and that im the eldest one too and will have two brothers that may be want different solutions. this advice has come from someone who has been there,knows the emotions and the heart wrenching predigament to make the right decision for the patient not the sibllings. most helpfull thanks.i will keep this and review it in a few years time with my brothers and discuss now while my mum is ok with her views is on this matter as its no good waiting till she cant tell us. Sue

Comment on How can I convince my mom to use her cane or walker instead of being embarrassed about them?

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 18:47:31 -0000

It wont' be easy but if she is like my mom, she will in time. Mom needs a walker to steady herself now and she won't let go of her cane. she was given the cane back and won't use the walker. the home she is in wants her to have it and they said they will keep close eye on her and she will have to use it. not an easy thing to do. Recently I hurt my left leg and bought a cane to support it so it won't give out on me. buy her a pretty one if you think she would like it. You have to remind her that you dont' want her to fall and get hurt so she needs the cane. mom accepted that but the walker now that is another issue. Good luck

Comment on My dad has turned into a tyrant since he moved in with me! How do I tell him I'm not going to wait on him hand and foot?

Emily M. — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 19:11:38 -0000

Hi deejabee, So sorry to hear about all the difficulty you've been having lately. It sounds like you are in a very tough spot. One great place for advice is our Ask & Answer section: http://www.caring.com/questions/new. You can also visit our forums and get advice and support from our community: http://www.caring.com/forums. Good luck -- Emily | Community Manager

Comment on My dad has turned into a tyrant since he moved in with me! How do I tell him I'm not going to wait on him hand and foot?

deejabee — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 05:47:06 -0000

i am at a cross roads with my mom ,she to has become very demanding ,she wont get out of her chair to even go to bathroom and she can she just dont want to . she will set there and mess her self to .i know she can do more for her self ,she just wont .family members dont come around . there is me and my brother and my mentally hadicap sister . and they are burning out they will leave me soon too .what can i do to make her move i haVE A BAD BACK, AND BREATHING PROBLEMS I CANT KEEP UP WITH HER DEMANDS . HELP ME PLX IM AT THE END OF MY ROPE

Comment on My dad's the care home Casanova!

dear one of Mort — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 18:21:34 -0000

It placed sexual acting out into perspective. Human sexuality is complex and at least partially regulated by hormones and neurotransmitters. Among normal adults it is highly variable and as your article points out it also is regulated by higher centers of the brain that puts the brakes on related behaviors. In Alzheimer's, the brakes may not be operative or the pathway between the breaks and acting out are inoperative. How sad for these people who are already deprived of most other means of human gratification. Surely the great minds out there can find a harmless way to manage these people.

Comment on How can I get my sister to spend more time with Mom?

Karla1234 — Sun, 13 Feb 2011 22:34:31 -0000

I have made a decision that I personally can live with. I had to for my own mental health. I decided if my parents bore only one child, it could have been me. If that had been the case, I would be dealing with their needs and all the aspects of death and dying myself. I decided to approach my interactions from that view point. That relieved my five siblings to the amoung of input they each could handle for whatever reason. One sib decided to carry in the mail which makes Mom happy and happy to see him. He also grills out about every three weeks and shares with both Mom and I. My sis has a full plate and illnesses of her own and works full time with children who did not speak English and she only speaks English. She lives three doors down from Mom, calls and comes to visit for 45 minutes every four days. Another bro lives with Mom and takes care of her at night and cooks her supper. A far away bro calls Mom every day and sends packages of something fun. Another out of state bro calls about three times a year and sends photos of all his kids and grands regularly. It is what they can each do. It is not what I can do. That is just the way it is. Be aware that you are spending this special time with your Mom for a reason. You are a safety net for her. Not everyone can take on that role for WHATEVER reason. I give you all of my support as you approach each and every day as they are all different in your being called to do different things. GET HOSPICE to help you in any way they can. Go for a drive to see different scenery. No matter where it is; there does not have to be a particular destination in mind. Just get out of your comfort zone and make a little adventure for yourself for your own stress reduction.

Comment on How do I stop feeling guilty that I killed my sister through neglect?

Karla1234 — Sun, 13 Feb 2011 22:08:36 -0000

"Ask people such as a doctor, your therapist, and a good friend to help monitor your status. You might not be able to know if you're better or worse." This is a quote from Carol O'Dell, a lady who works here, as stated above. It is one that has helped me when I have had a loss. A friend from along time ago just called me today. We spoke of my growing. It was about a loss I experienced 24 years ago, when she and I became close friends. We now speak once a year. She only TODAY saw that I had finally gotten to the other side and am more than strong about it. Your growth and understand about "not being in control of the world" may come more slowly if you do not go to a grieving group of some kind. Do not expect yourself to tackle hard jobs right now. Be as nice to yourself as you would be to a best friend. This is a quote from a wise book. Be your own best friend and smile at how happy you have been in your strong life to face time with loved ones. Not everyone has loved ones. You did all a person in your position could do. Love yourself and give yourself a hug.

Comment on How do I stop feeling guilty that I killed my sister through neglect?

Carolinem — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 20:21:16 -0000

We live, we try, we breathe. We never know how bad things are when they are so close to home. It is the same instinct that kept people going through the blitz. You try to live your life, you are just doing what you can with a huge burden. You have really tried girl. Really tried. That is being grown up and human, that is all any of us can do - to try, to really try. The outcome is irelevant, it is the act of doing your best and that means doing your beat whilst living your life. Your mother and sister were lucky to have you. Mourn their deaths not your lack, you have tried and cared, that is all any human can offer,

Comment on How can I get my sister to spend more time with Mom?

Carolinem — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 19:00:19 -0000

I would explain to your sister how hard you are finding things and how you so need help. I couldn't get my brother to help until my husband had a heart problem and then suddenly he responded. I think the crossness of your sister is a guilty consience on behalf of your sister. Perhaps you should offer to babysit and she could become more involved with your mother. I do think you should be straight with her. When someone is very ill you have to step up to the mark. Being jealous of you is a self indulgence on your sister's part. Illness does not respect how many children you have or how busy you are. Be business like. Ask her if she is going to help, be forthright. If she is not going to help you know where you are and you will have to cope with that. But you will not have to cope with her rubbish jealousy. Her jealousy is such a luxury, a luxury that you do not have. Be straightforward, when someone is ill there is no time for silliness.

Comment on My dad has turned into a tyrant since he moved in with me! How do I tell him I'm not going to wait on him hand and foot?

Carolinem — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 18:32:11 -0000

Perhaps he could not live with you? Think hard, is there any way you can make this happen? Remember, sometimes you are a better daughter by not being a perfect daughter. And as for replacing his wife, your mum, just a big fat no. My father couldn't even be bothered to stir his own tea. I so so loved him, but we are so different from our mothers and why should we go back there. For gods sake our fathers were around when women were burning their bras, they know life has changed. I really really think he should not not not be living with you. Perhaps there is a different solution?

Comment on I constantly feel guilty because no matter how much I do for my parents, I know it's never enough.

Granny2Grandsons — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 19:01:25 -0000

I truly believe that the advice Carol has given you - covers it all!! Spending what time you can with your parents is #1 on the list!! Try and get the help of the caregivers that come to the house - surely they could help out if asked! If they ask for money, just tell them "nevermind - I was just hoping while you were here, you could help me and my parents - I was just asking for a little of your time". If they have a conscience, they will start help straightening things out - any help would be appreciated! I know you hate to walk in and see things disarrayed - but remember - you are there to spend what time you have visiting your folks! Just keep your eyes focused on getting to your folks and quit looking at everything else that needs to be done. Hard? Yes - but worth it!! My heart goes out to you - having both parents needing you and your help at the same time must be emotionally draining. You have no reason to feel guilty - you are doing the best you can! No one else can say that, can they? Believe me, what you are doing now will give you peace of mind in the fact that you are there for them now - I'm sure the room lights up the second you enter! Hang in there - it's such a hard road you are on - but so rewarding when you know in your heart that you did the best you could do! You will never regret it - forget the housework, visit your folks!!!!! Spend as much time with them as possible - after all, housework will always wait - the time you have with your parents - you have no control!! Sending hugs and prayers - YOU ARE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN!! BE PROUD OF YOURSELF FOR BEING THERE FOR YOUR FOLKS!!!!! When you leave and get in your car - "pat yourself on the back for a job well done" - no one else will do that for you - you deserve it and you'll be surprised how it will bring a smile to your face and ease your conscience! It does work!!

Comment on My dad's the care home Casanova!

dear one of Mort — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 15:34:55 -0000

After reading the blogs there are a couple of points to express: First, old people fall out of bed even without having sex. The beds should be low to the floor. Second, I assume that patients entering a facility have had a physical examination and have no obvious STDs. Also, worrying about safe sex in the dying is seems a little overzealous. Living is risky.

Comment on My dad's the care home Casanova!

dear one of Mort — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 15:13:42 -0000

The writer is knowledgable, provides helpful information and is compassionate. My husband also is hypersexualized. I care for him at home and when he was at a more able earlier stage, I had only male caregivers. Now that he is stage three and physically much diminished, his behavior is less likely to be problematic. Earlier, when I was considering a care facility, I visited one that had awareness of that behavior trait and took it in stride. And why shouldn't these people with almost nothing good happening in their lives have sexual relations with a willing and appropriate partner? The Puritans are long gone from our society.

Comment on My dad has turned into a tyrant since he moved in with me! How do I tell him I'm not going to wait on him hand and foot?

The Caregiver's Voice — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 15:46:07 -0000

In addition to the great suggested posted before mine, I add two items-- ONE, send him to adult day care (where he can "volunteer") or a senior care for the day. The change of pace will do both of you some good. TWO, set and keep your boundaries. Set everything he may need for a period of time then remind your father you are working and that during the next hour (or two) that you will only attend to him in an emergency. Ask him to respect your request. After a couple hours check in on him and thank him for respecting your need for uninterrupted time.

Comment on My dad has turned into a tyrant since he moved in with me! How do I tell him I'm not going to wait on him hand and foot?

Marly26 — Sun, 06 Feb 2011 23:34:52 -0000

It is so very hard to have your father living with you and being so demanding. As others' have said sometimes' we have to turn a deaf ear. Let your father know that yes you can help him but he as well has to help himself or he wont' get better. For his health it isn't good just to sit around and do nothing, he needs things to do. Interest him in a Seniors Group so that he can get out and about. You have to explain to your father that you need your own time, he cant' be forever calling on you, even if it comes to telling him that as much as you love him you are not his wife. You yourself have a life to live and you really cant' be stopping everything to tend to him. He had hip surgery, he needs' exercise, therapy to help him heal. Give him some chores to do, they dont' have to be big ones', just some little ones'. Maybe because he is bored this could be why he is always calling for your attention. Think of things he did while living in his own home and try to get him into the groove of using your home as he would his own. His feelings may get hurt but it wont' last. You have put yourself in a situation of doing for him, now you have to start backing out when you know what he can/cannot do. I wish you luck my dear, be gentle in telling him that you can no longer keep running at his beck and call. I know that sounds rude, it is not meant to. Start backing off slowly with things that you would normally do and eventually both of you will find a happy medium. My prayers' are with you.

Comment on How can I get my sister to spend more time with Mom?

Marly26 — Sun, 06 Feb 2011 22:38:56 -0000

It is so hard to explain to a sister that this wasn't your choice that your mom came to live with you. Let her know that you sympathize at how she feels'. When approaching her say remember when..... It could have been a time when she did alot for your mom, bring in laughter, love and caring. Another reason that she may be blaming you is the fact that shes' afraid that your mom may pass in her presence and maybe this is something that she doesn't want to see, tell her how much your mom has been asking for her, how shes' reminicing about the time that they did spend together and of course the fact that your mother does love her and has said so. Let her know as well that it would bring joy to her to see her grandchildren. Sometimes' this really does help. No doubt your mom really wants/needs this. Ask her if she would mind coming over to spend some time with "mom" just her and your mom time. Let her know that you will go out and give her time alone with her. Dont' say to her that she wasn't there prior to, give her the empathy that you yourself would want if the shoe were on the other foot. It could also be that since she is in your home and not hers' she has a feeling of being unwanted, which is further than the truth. Invite her over for tea/coffee, make it a subtle. Let her know as well how important she is to you as well. Sometimes' sisters' feel that in a time such as this because your mom had asked to live with you that your mom loves you more, or your more important than she is. Give her reassurance. I wish you all the best but again I would really push the grandchildren idea, and I'm sure your mom would be so very happy to see all of them as well as your sister. Take care, if your sister seems to be defensive let it pass as though you didn't hear her. Give her positive even if she gives' you negative. Its' the attention that she so needs right now, and she really does need to feel wanted by all of you. My prayers' are with you and good luck!!

Comment on My dad has turned into a tyrant since he moved in with me! How do I tell him I'm not going to wait on him hand and foot?

so tired — Sat, 05 Feb 2011 16:46:40 -0000

I've been caregiver 24/7 for my mom for over 5 years. I wish I had been given this advice when I first started. Please listen. No matter how difficult it is to set boundaries, it will only get worse if you don't. Good luck

Comment on My dad has turned into a tyrant since he moved in with me! How do I tell him I'm not going to wait on him hand and foot?

shortwasp — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 20:47:31 -0000

My mother was the same way after my father died. She demanded that I take care of her hand and foot as he had, because I was living with her. I knew it wasn't good for her, that she needed to do things for herself. I would tell her that she was able and needed to do things herself, and then I just left it at that. She would rant and rave, cry, try to make me feel guilty, act helpless, and then finally give in because she wasn't getting what she wanted. I refused to argue with her; I just remained silent after saying she had to do it herself or I simply repeated my words. Now she knows that if she wants something done when she wants it done, she has to do it herself. Otherwise I'll take care of it when I'm ready to take care of it, which is way too slow for her. She has become more independent and happier because I stood my ground.

Comment on I feel like I'm married to my mom! How do I help her get a life -- and butt out of mine?

HOTONE4U692001@yahoo — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 19:50:19 -0000

IT HARD TO BE EVERY THING TO MOM AND HAVE A LIFE TOO SHE SCARED AND ALONE TOO SO SHE TRYIN TO HANG ON TO U, TO KEEP HER WORLD SHE GOT LEFT SAFE . HELP HER BY DOING LITTLE THING AND TELL HER U WILL BE THERE FOR THE BIG THING WHEN THEY COME UP . SHE FEELIN HELPLESS AND IT MAKE HER MORE AFRAID . GIVE HER A HUG TELL HER U LOVE HER ALWAYS, AND UNEED HER TOO OK , GOOD LUCK TO U ,

Comment on I think my dad's new girlfriend is after his money. What do I do?

Anonymous — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 19:29:50 -0000

I THINK EVERY ONE IN THE FAMILY NEED TO GET THE THING RIGHT. UR FATHER NEED LOVE AND CAREING AND IF HE HAS LOVE THAT OK TOO U NEED TO HELP HIM OUT THE BEST U CAN.USE WHAT HE HAS TO MAKE HIS LIFE MORE MEANFULL U WILL WIN IN THE END . U WILL KNOW U DONE ALL U CAN OK.

Comment on My dad has turned into a tyrant since he moved in with me! How do I tell him I'm not going to wait on him hand and foot?

Anonymous — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 19:20:48 -0000

IT HARD TO BE A CARE GIVER AND TO BE THERE FOR EVERYTHING THEY NEED U DO THE BEST U CAN .AND GIVE UR SELF A BREAK .I TOOK CARE OF MY MOM AND IT WAS HARD TO DO NOW IM IN THE BOAT WHERE I CANT DO MUCH AND IT HURT TO BE HERE AND IT HURT TO BE THE CARE TAKER U PRAY A LOT AND SEE HOW THE DAY GOING TO GO GOOD LUCK TO U AND EVERY ONE . THANK U

Comment on My dad has turned into a tyrant since he moved in with me! How do I tell him I'm not going to wait on him hand and foot?

takingcareofmomma — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 15:14:45 -0000

You know what, if you just accept the fact that the way they are is they way they are and just try to tune it out it helps. Personally I do not think they get better. I tried everything. What does your dad like? My dad loved checkers. Get out your version of the checkerboard when they are getting on your nerves. That is what helped me.

Comment on My dad has turned into a tyrant since he moved in with me! How do I tell him I'm not going to wait on him hand and foot?

jacobite — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 14:22:14 -0000

Tell him, in a gentle way that people who break hips are much more likely to die if they just sit. I am 80, and broke my hip, fortunately while living in France - fantastic health care. Having been active all my life I felt very sorry for my self, and my wife started to cater for all my needs. Wrong! Last Christmas, my children and my wife gave presents all aimed at physical exercise, way to go

Comment on My dad has turned into a tyrant since he moved in with me! How do I tell him I'm not going to wait on him hand and foot?

jackiemichel2 — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 11:08:56 -0000

Very true that major brands do give out samples on their products, search online for "123 Get Samples" we just got ours today. You wont need CC.

Comment on I'm your classic burned out caregiver and don't know how much longer I can do this.

Anonymous — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 22:39:07 -0000

Listen to all of the above comments very carefully. I have been through the nursing home thing with my Mother. My dad was several years older than my Mother so he was the first to go, but he asked me if anything happened to him would i take care of my mother. Of couse I said i would and that she would never have to go into a nursing home. Oh, how this came back to haunt me!! DO NOT EVER PROMISE THIS, because you have no idea what you may be facing in the future. I cared for my Mother in my home when she fell and fractured her knee, and when she had a stroke. she spent some recovery time in a nursing home and then came to live with my husband and me. she was doing well but then she fell and broke her hip and had to have a hip replacement. She never walked again and i could not tend to her. there was no money on her side to pay for in home care so she had to go to a nursing home and i cried for several weeks because i thought i was letting my Father down: however my wonderful sweet Mother told me that she did not fault my decision, but i have always felt i was suppose to do more

Comment on My sister wants to pull the plug on Mom.

catfather — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 15:09:54 -0000

I faced this very situation nine years ago, but it was my little sister. Judith had Downe's syndrome; many Downe's people are hit with Alzheimer's at a relatively early age. Judith was 46. I had been very involved in raising Judith from a baby. Now, I was her legal guardian, court appointed on my request. In the last year of her life, Judith could not swallow -- hence, the feeding tube: she could not enjoy food, which had been a pleasure. She no longer could talk (communicating had been one of her joys, and she had been good at it, she had been able to make herself understood with most adults). She seemed to recognize that she had known us (me, my brother, our uncle), but didn't really know who we were. So she was terribly frustrated and confused...crying, yelling...when we would visit, because she couln't understand. So we stopped visiting unless she were asleep; then, we would quietly step into her room and whisper a little prayer. Finally, her doctor asked me if I wanted his opinion; I did. He said: "Mr W-----, I don't think your sister has any quality of life whatsoever." This was a man who -- a year before -- had performed emergency surgery on her and saved her life. I answered him: "Doctor, I have felt the same way. I needed to hear someone who's objective state it." I called my brother -- who lives out of state -- to get his take; and our uncle. But legally, the decision was mine alone. A day later, I authorized removing the tube. She died less than a week later. She was in turmoil no longer. It is a terrible decision to have to make, but I never have regretted making it. It was the right thing to do -- for Judith.

Comment on My sister wants to pull the plug on Mom.

mamag86 — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 15:04:25 -0000

I was my husband's caregiver for the last 3 years of his life. In the last 13 months he was in the hospital 7 times including one 30 day stint in rehab. With his last visit to the hospital the doctor knew he was dying but never told me. It was only when he lapsed into a coma 3 days before death that I became suspicious. I shall never forgive that doctor because 3 of my children were out of town, one out of the country. I could have had time to let them get home before he died. As it was one child was with me as we held his hand as he passed on. Several days before his death they kept asking me if he had a living will and POW and the answer was always yes but my wishes and his were completely ignored. Finally the doctor came in and said they wanted to move him to intensive care unit. One very brave nurse poke up and remarked that he probably wouldn't make it that far. That is when I told them to remove all lines, tubes, etc. and let him go. It only took 2 hours. I am writing this because at 89 I have a mild case of COPD and know that sooner or later it will progress. I keep harping on my wishes and my desire for hospice when the time comes and my kids get mad at me for being ":morbid" But I dont see it as morbid, I see it as making sure my wishes are carried out when the time comes,. I haveit all in writing but as I mentioned above sometimes the doctors dont pay any attention to that. My daughter-in-law's mother had everything in writing also but when the doctor asked her if she wanted all support withdrawn ffrom her mom, she panicked and said no. So the doctors followed her command and not her mother's wishes. I wish doctors would stop doing this. They should look at the living will and/or POW and tell the family that the time has come to honor his patient's wishes Hospice is wonderful. Everyone who has ailing family memeber should talk to them. I have and I am at peace.

Comment on I'm your classic burned out caregiver and don't know how much longer I can do this.

Spockula — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 05:54:31 -0000

Yes, I agree w. many of above comments. It's time to make some serious changes. It will be hard, but, necessary. Too much time has been lost already. Life is too short. Do what's best for all involved. In home care-givers(paid staff, or other family members), or placement. Or, just time to move out, & on. It gets to the point where it's unhealthy for all involved....& that just isn't right, either.

Comment on I took the brunt of my dad's nastiness my whole life. Now I am his caretaker and I resent it.

Anonymous — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 03:30:36 -0000

If I "carry a stone in my pocket", I would end up throwing it at my selfish, ungrateful father. Ridiculous advice. As for me having a longer life? Not likely. I am certain to die of stress well before my father even gets a cold.

Comment on How can I get my sister to spend more time with Mom?

gaommind — Sat, 29 Jan 2011 17:15:45 -0000

I suggest asking the hospice social worker for respite care. It is not full time care, but maybe your sister would agree to step in a few times a week and I wonder if your work would allow for flexible work hours or some working from home. Is home health an option, or personal sitters? Is cost a factor? If so, would your sister contribute? If she would, might make her feel more ownership of the problem. When you get together, pull out old photos to remind her of closer times. Caring gave a great response, reconnecting emotionally right now is the best thing for the family right now and for the future. Times like these can make or break a family. Asking for help is hard, but your mom would deal with her end much better with your sister and her children in her life. Sending good karma your way.

Comment on How can I get my sister to spend more time with Mom?

luv2drvtopless — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 22:48:13 -0000

Tell your sister your Mom needs her. We all want to be needed. We only have one set of parents and forgiveness is instore and memories to be made.

Comment on I'm your classic burned out caregiver and don't know how much longer I can do this.

Anonymous — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 22:02:52 -0000

As long as you let them (your brother and sisterin law) take advantage of you they will continue to do so. it is time you started standing up for yourself and taking care of yourself. No one else is going to do it for you

Comment on How can I get my sister to spend more time with Mom?

sa — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 14:51:49 -0000

There is not much you can do. I see this all the time. Maybe she just cannot handle seeing her mother the way she is. It is her loss. hire a care giver.Then take a break.

Comment on My sister wants to pull the plug on Mom.

The Caregiver's Voice — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 15:42:07 -0000

WOW, Carol, this is a powerful testament to End of Life. Thank you for sharing this. This is such a difficult decision and the reason why EACH OF US MUST HAVE our Durable Power of Attorney for Healthcare and Living Wills in place. Let us learn our lessons from our loved ones who have not yet drafted theirs and make sure we get ours in place.Then be sure to choose someone who will honor your wishes as you've expressed them in writing.

Comment on My sister wants to pull the plug on Mom.

Anonymous — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 05:20:24 -0000

My mother is in the beginning stages of this, with problems stemming from several strokes of the years. She does have a living will and has even stated she wants no life saving measures. I can understand your heartache at letting her go, but ask yourself "Would Mom want to live like this?" I know in my case my mother has told me no.

Comment on My sister wants to pull the plug on Mom.

Gurlwithboyztoyz — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 18:52:59 -0000

Thank you...there are so many really insightful stories and comments here. I am dealing with my father dying from A lzheimer's at the age of 89. It us definitely one if the hardest things a child will go through; the death of a parent. I list my mother in 1991 from lung cancer which was a long painful process, and now I'm going through it with my dad 20 years later. It hasn't gotten any easier this time. The ache in my heart is there still, the anguish, the regret, the fear that makes you physically sick, that you may not have done all you could. That you did too much, or not enough. That you did not tell them how much you love them, or that you didn't tell them as many times as you could of. My hardest thing is"letting go", because you still want to be the child and for them to still be the parent. That's what I'm having most if my difficulty with....thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

Comment on I'm your classic burned out caregiver and don't know how much longer I can do this.

Anonymous — Sun, 23 Jan 2011 23:16:23 -0000

I think realistically that you have to tell your husband in no uncertain terms, that his mother must be in a care facility. End of story. When he married you, his loyalty is to be to YOU first, his parents second. Find a facility close to your home, and assure your husband that you will check on her twice day and keep contact with her caregivers at the facility. But him getting angry at you is undeserved. And you know it. We women have to learn to say no. He'll adjust and in the long run, will see how it is better. I am a fulltime caregiver to my husband and could kick myself for allowing myself to "wind up" being his primary caregiver. I'm a real patsy and want to help you not be one anymore.

Comment on My father is in failing health and financial ruin, living with a woman who is bipolar, and refuses my help. What can I do?

Braida — Sat, 22 Jan 2011 17:41:02 -0000

Absolutely perfect advice in how to get along with a Bipolar personality. And sensitivity is shown to one who suffers from this condition, if the lady indeed does have it. Even if she doesn't, and is just a "difficult" person, the same advice would apply. Many aspects of the article, such as the father being happier than the daughter thinks he is, etc. is right on! This was a very good and insightful answer.

Comment on I feel guilty about it, but I can barely stand the sight of my mother, who wants to live with me. What do I owe her?

Brighter — Sat, 22 Jan 2011 16:40:52 -0000

I agree that you must consider yourself and your own family as your top priority, especially with little-ones. Once you have a parent move in with you, you are committed. It's extremely difficult to get a parent to move out without hurt, anger and resentment that is even worse than being honest with yourself and them by not allowing it in the first place. You are fortunate to have siblings who concur with you and can present a united front. Have you considered a foster home or a retirement community for your mom? Ms. O'Dell is absolutely correct in her comment that being placed in a role of resentment and guilt can cause illness. Also, if your mother did live with you, anger could be added in the mix. This decision will affect not only you, but your children and your SO. If you are married, perhaps your husband can assist you in this life-altering decision. Best wishes to all of you.

Comment on I think my dad's new girlfriend is after his money. What do I do?

ethicaldoc — Sat, 22 Jan 2011 01:21:40 -0000

If you think your father is being used against his best interests, call Adult Protective Services in your county and express your concerns. They will investigate it. If he is of sound judgement then they will tell him so and let you know of their findings. Protect and love your father as he is the only father you will ever have.

Comment on My parents, who have dementia, flat-out refuse to move into assisted living. How do I get them to move without making them hate me?

Anonymous — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 13:54:33 -0000

Very helpful. I value the information on this site. One of the main reasons besides the obvious plentiful information is because on some of the most sad and frustrating days, I realize I'm not alone in this and find some comfort in others' sharings. My mom who is 84 years old has always been a strong-willed, independent woman and of course, is in complete denial of the possibility she may be heading towards alzheimers. I came back two years ago, after several telephone calls where she said she hadn't talked to me in a couple of weeks. That was the beginning of my noticing changes in her behavior, and in the past two years, more recently over the past 6 months or so, I've seen more indications that in time, there are necessary changes that will need to be made to keep her safe here in her home for as long as possible. Thank you for continuing to post very important information. It's very difficult to engage other family members without having good informational support on dementia and alzheimers, and I have found much of the information here on this site extremely helpful.

Comment on I think my dad's new girlfriend is after his money. What do I do?

litha — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 21:24:05 -0000

Like it or not, your dad is an adult and if his new girlfriend "waltz's" in and takes what little he has, there's nothing you can do about it. As long as he's of sound mind, is making his own decisions daily, etc. (not setting his kitchen on fire, leaving his car running with the keys in it, etc, etc) His decisions are his to make, like it or not.

Comment on I think my dad's new girlfriend is after his money. What do I do?

Wellspouse — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 19:48:08 -0000

Great response, Carol! I'm with the Well Spouse(tm) Association, http://wellspouse.org, a non-profit org. that offers support to husbands, wives or partners of people with chronic illness. In some cases our members are considerably younger than their ill spouse;, but with adult children; in a few others, especially where two well spouses have met and married after the deaths of their ill spouses, it may happen that one of them is no older than the adult children of their new partner, and that can cause a lot of friction in the new, blended family. No matter what, the bond is special; and not at all the same as that of a child to a parent, or for that matter, as that of siblings or friends. It doesn't matter who the caregiver is, they need to be focusing on what's good for the ill person and how to express their familial, friendly or marital love to that person; and not on how much money or goods they are going to be getting when that person passes away. It's best to believe that you will not be getting anything at all... that way you can dismiss the worries in that area.

Comment on I think my dad's new girlfriend is after his money. What do I do?

Anonymous — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 19:46:08 -0000

IF you actually are more interested in inheriting his money than in his happiness, you may be the one that is "after his money". While I realize it is easy to feel that you and your sister deserve to be compensated, I must point out that HIS money is just THAT - HIS to do with as HE sees fit. He earned it so if he wants to spend it with his girlfriend, that is HIS right.

Comment on I think my dad's new girlfriend is after his money. What do I do?

donoharm — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 18:21:02 -0000

Carol O'Dell: What a powerful response. If what you suggest is followed, it only leaves for the Dad and his comfort and happiness to be the focus. Your words, "My mother taught me how to live, and how to die. I got a ringside seat, and I cherish every moment." Very powerful. Thank you.

Comment on I think my dad's new girlfriend is after his money. What do I do?

Miss Vicki1 — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 11:00:10 -0000

I agree, check to see if yourfarther has an updated will. Then youwon't have to worry as most. I know, I went through the same thing with my boyfriend that died. He had a will, and who ever fussed about what was in the will, they will not get anything from the will. Could idea. I think.

Comment on My parents, who have dementia, flat-out refuse to move into assisted living. How do I get them to move without making them hate me?

dear one of Mort — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 06:56:59 -0000

Bob's reply is excellent and follows one of the primary rules of health management. First, a diagnosis is needed before a treatment plan (in this case independence or incarceration) is instituted.

Comment on I think my dad's new girlfriend is after his money. What do I do?

nwlambear — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 02:30:22 -0000

I agree with: Be a smart daughter and check out Dad's will and other paperwork. If he has a lawyer, see if you can be notified of any changes. If you're concerned your dad isn't of sound mind, then figure out if you or your sister can have durable power of attorney.

Comment on My parents, who have dementia, flat-out refuse to move into assisted living. How do I get them to move without making them hate me?

RFBrownPE — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 22:26:22 -0000

The single best advice I received regarding providing the best possible care for my mother in similar circumstances was to get her to a neurologist for a comprehensive battery of tests providing a firm basis for a diagnosis which would support a court finding of incompetence to care for herself. This is because my sister controlled Mom's money and was intent on controlling her life too. I hated the notion of thinking this about my mother, yet this was just my stuff, my pride or arrogance that my highly competent and self-sufficient mother could now be incapable of caring for herself or her affairs. Once I crossed that barrier and put her needs ahead of my own, I knew I needed to take control to do for her what she would do for herself if she had the ability. Do not wait, do not hesitate; there is nothing to lose and much to gain. Your parents are competent or not, at this point in time. if they are competent to contribute in a meaningful way to decisions about their lives - so be it - and you need to accept it. If they are not competent to do so - -so be it - - this is reality here! - you must step up to the plate for them. In either case you will be working with valid data, less from emotion, and face reality from a firm foundation of information. Also, if they are deemed competent, they can create a durable power of attorney and Health care proxy, and will and so forth; making their desires for theri Some of the expenses are avoidable and some are not. If your parents have medical insurance, eg Medicare, the cost of the neurologist and tests will be trivial. Minimizing the legal costs is another matter, unless you have legal insurance as well. if your parents have financial assets, the cost of the court, Court Evaluator, an attorney to represent you parents, an attorney to represent you, will all be eligible for payment from your parent's assets by petition to the court. If no one contests the Guardianship action, and your attorney and theirs were chosen wisely to put the interests of your parents first, those costs may be reasonable. if your parents do not have assets, you need to check with your local court system to determine how costs are covered. If you already have a durable power of attorney and health care proxy you might want to consider avoiding guardianship entirely. However, there are pros and cons to either approach. Guardianship costs more up front, while eliminating some of the uncertainties the POA leaves open; eg, not all third parties are willing to accept a POA without a hassle to prove the POA is valid and strong. On the other hand, bringing lawyers and a court [and Court Evaluators, Court Examiners, etc] is something I would never wish on anyone. Whether their motives are helpful, benign, or avaricious, courts and especially lawyers and guardians are first and foremost out to protect themselves from risk of liability; so unless you become the guardian, your parents will take second place in importance to the lawyers and guardian. This is among the few statements about this life I will make with as much certainty as that 'the sun will come up in the morning'; the lawyers will make money and be ok, the court will have no risk, the guardian will make money [unless it is you and you waive a fee] and, if they have funds, your parents will pay. Still, this may be the only way to protect your parents' interest. Prayer and patience: still the essential elements. Best Regards Bob

Comment on I'm your classic burned out caregiver and don't know how much longer I can do this.

Spockula — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 04:50:52 -0000

Something to think about. We all WANT to say 'no' to nursing home forever. But, it's a tough thing to follow through with. People's conditions/situations change. My 'Hubby' has always said:'he doesn't make promises', for fear, he won't be able to keep them.....a good philosophy!

Comment on My parents, who have dementia, flat-out refuse to move into assisted living. How do I get them to move without making them hate me?

dear one of Mort — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 04:47:53 -0000

The writer assumes that someone has taken the care to determine if these people really are demented. Are they paying their bills on their own? Are they able to perform activities of daily living? Are they driving? Whose safety and comfort is their son really concerned about? And if they really do exhibit cognitive impairment, maybe they can remain home with a little help at home. Our middle aged children can become a little too controlling. If there's no urgency involved, let them stay where they are. If their son wants to help, get them some in home aid.

Comment on I'm your classic burned out caregiver and don't know how much longer I can do this.

Wed, 19 Jan 2011 03:40:54 -0000

my husband promised the same thing to never put his mom in a nursing home. while i am totally against nursing homes till they r the last resort. i do believe that if the parent is able to care for themselves they need too. i am on the opposite end of most everyone. my mother in law lives with us she moved in when her son did it was a package deal i would not make him choose between her r me so i told him it was ok. litttle did i know that my life was about to turn into hell on earth... he promised her if she was not happy living with me that he would move them both out into their own place if we did not get married. well we married and she throws it up in my face every time she gets mad that she will make him leave me if i dont do as she says. i hate living under the constant threat that he will leave me . he says he never told her that. but he does expect me to take care of her i quit my job to be home with her he went back to work to get away from her..he was retired.. she does not need constatn care just a litle help with the hard daily life things like deep cleaning vaccumning. mopping.. she is in good overall health only has copd but will not do anything for herself. she will not cook make her own lunch do her laundry make her bed wash a coffe cup but she will order me to do it for her. he does not see this says she is old let her have her way. it is tearing me apart i cant sleep i over eat because that is the only joy i have lleft. we can not do anything that she is not with us r that she does not controll. i hate giving my life up to someone who can take care of theirself. i know one day she will no longer be able to but she is really pushing my limits. she will not go to any senior outings r centers for old people because at 87 she is not old. she likes to hang with us. i miss the life we had before she became so dominering. how do i get some of it back? she has another son in another state but she will not stay with them because his wife will not wait on her hand n foot n kiss her ass. i think they should help. she has the money to go places do anything she wants but she just sits in her room waiting on her trays of food to be brought to her playing online games all day. she will call u when she is done so u can clean up after her. one year after our marriage i was informed any n all monies he inherits from his mother will go to his daughter her will is already made out to be split between the 2 boys. the other son has no children. i am being selfish i guess but what do i get out of killing myself taking care of her but a hard time. i did not know she had money till after we were marrieed so it was never in the equasion i could really care less. but why should i give up everything to take care of her for nothing in return but fights with her son. i love him with all my heart n i dont want to loose him but she is just a bitch from hell. she has run all my family n friends away no one will come to our home anymore because she is so demading of me. they cant see why i stay.. well it is my home n land even though she wants me to sign it over to her son. he has never asked me to..she has never had to work and her late husband took very god care of her. he was a traveling salesman she went with him. they left my husband at age 10 to care for his self for days at a time so they could be together what kind of mother leaves their child to go to work with their dad. btw he is not the father of the first son n would not adopt him till he was 18 so if their marriage did not work he did not have to pay extra child support. i did not know any of this till after we were married i did not know what i got myself into.. so after all my rambling any help out there?

Comment on My parents, who have dementia, flat-out refuse to move into assisted living. How do I get them to move without making them hate me?

The Caregiver's Voice — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 23:38:01 -0000

The original response is helpful and covers the breadth of consideration. However, it's been over a year since the original query was posted. I am curious how the original poster resolved the issue Beyond this, PATIENCE is the KEY...we need to spend time and build trust with our impaired loved ones. As their abilities decline the the difference is heightened between what they can no longer do and what we can do. This creates fear and mistrust (if we move too quickly and make demands). If we're going to get involved, we must decide to invest in the time to do a job that deserves to be done well.

Comment on My parents, who have dementia, flat-out refuse to move into assisted living. How do I get them to move without making them hate me?

mariannew — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 20:39:41 -0000

Contact the Center for Aging (social services can direct you) to request legal assistance because you will have to obtain guardianship in the county/state where your parents live. Can your parents afford to hire a sitter/housekeeper while you complete the legal work that could take several months? Work as a team with social services, because they can take the steps to protect the safety of the elderly if the elderly refuse. In other words, maybe they will play the role of the "bad guy." Continue to communicate with your parents. Ask them what their plan is if they wake up in the morning and cannot get out of bed. Assisted living places will take people who are a "1 person assist" but if more help is required, a nursing home is the facility to provide it. Try to get them to make a good decision while they are in the position to do it. If they wind up hating you, just know you have done all you can do. Sometimes elderly parents wind up acting like they hate their children for absolutely no reason except that they are frustrated and need somebody to take it out on.

Comment on My parents, who have dementia, flat-out refuse to move into assisted living. How do I get them to move without making them hate me?

LindaSue — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 19:22:21 -0000

Y'all need the article I printed off yesterday ~ Talking With David Solie: Cargiving Mistakes and Lessons Learned. . . . . and if you must ~ remove the stove.

Comment on My parents, who have dementia, flat-out refuse to move into assisted living. How do I get them to move without making them hate me?

johnfran67 — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 18:10:14 -0000

Stay the course. Your parents will not hate you. They may be angry with you but they can be anry with you and safe or be angry that you didn't take care of them. YOu are walking the same knife blade my wife and I walked just months ago. Do what your heart and consience knows if right. Don't look to family or friends to tell you that you are doing the right thing. We still have family that are mad at us for putting my mother in law in assited living. It matters little to them that Granny is clean, warm, dry, safe and entertained it only matters that they didn't get their way. The time will come when your parents cannot remember and then the anger if there really is any goes away. Just imagine if one of them got hurt or worse. What would that be like. Granny fell broke her shoulder. if we had not found her in time she could have passed. Follow your heart and consience. Sounds to me like your parents did a good job of raising you. Just apply what you know in a way that you know they would have wanted you to. Not what they want right now. Because right now is not real to them anymore.

Comment on I feel guilty about it, but I can barely stand the sight of my mother, who wants to live with me. What do I owe her?

Braida — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 17:43:16 -0000

It was excellent in advising about accepting the alcoholic, with a sad tenderness, rather than animosity and anger. Addiction is an illness, and we can't change or make the addict change. But coming to grips with this, and finding a way within ourselves to love the addict regardless, is very helpful. And loving the addict does not have to mean enableing him/her. I agreed w/ the advice about keeping the Mom living on her own, perhaps in assisted living, but I would encourage the children to try to get the Mom to move closer to them, so they could look in on her, or see her more often, and show her that the love and compassion is there for her....but at arm's length, as it has to be.

Comment on My parents, who have dementia, flat-out refuse to move into assisted living. How do I get them to move without making them hate me?

daug-in-law — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 17:31:27 -0000

Take them on a tour of the Assisted Living/level 1 facility (most of them are lovely), and many of the residents are fully 'with it.' Our experience was that while you are touring residents will voluntarily tell you how much they like it (I'm sure for a few of them the fear of going into a full nursing home, makes the the lessor of two evils, and they fake it until they make it). After our tour, we continually talked about 2 particular ladies that my Mom-in-law seemed to connect with in the 'cafe' and said how much they enjoyed it... that they weren't lonely at meals any more... that they always saw people and they just had to open their doors and go down to the common rooms to see others, instead of being stuck in their house, seeing no one for days on end. My Mom-in-law has recently had another fall and broke the other hip and other wrist, and will be in the rehab section of the hospital for the next 10 weeks... and all she can talk about is getting back to her 'suite' and the people in the dining room. And this was a woman who was 'not going to be forced from my house!' I'm not saying it was easy, and there weren't arguments and tears, but in the end she came around. It helped to cry along with her, or tell them with sadness (and tears) how scared you are that something might happen to them. Good luck, this is a long road.

Comment on My parents, who have dementia, flat-out refuse to move into assisted living. How do I get them to move without making them hate me?

MargieB — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 17:27:55 -0000

Just over 3 years ago, my mother was showing signs of Dementia. From March through October, I tried and tried to get her to move out of her home into a senior apartment complex. She was doing dangerous things, i.e., walking outside to get the paper during an ice storm, falling and then crawling back into the house at 5 a.m. ; climbing up on the roof to clean the guttering - in March and again in October. Then one weekend the last of October, 2008, I made 5 round trips to her house (11 miles away) and 2 trips to the ER..... I quickly realized I could not continue this. We are fortunate to have a Senior Retirement Center (Assisted Living facility) just 2 blocks from my home. So I signed a contract, moved her in - all while she was in the hospital. It is the BEST thing I could have done for my mom. She was angry with me for about 6 months but now is so appreciative of all I do for her PLUS I have peace of mind that she is eating regularly, warm and most of all, SAFE. I once heard Carol Burnette say about her daughter, "You have to love them enough to make them hate you." Different scenario but the quote has never left me and that's what I felt I had to do for my mom. TOUGH LOVE! Now 25 months later, I'm having some guilt feelings over the WAY I did it but not the FACT that I did it. She never went back to her house because even driving by it left her depressed. Lately, she's been mentioning her "stuff" - she never had a chance to go through it BUT she wouldn't for 8 months so I never expected her to agree to do it anyway at any time. It's called TOUGH LOVE with your kids; well, now we (as children of these patients) have become the parents.. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Hope this helps.

Comment on I feel like I'm married to my mom! How do I help her get a life -- and butt out of mine?

kayjones28 — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 23:01:07 -0000

i don't think that you are hard on her as i went through with my nan my dad had to be the same as you and well done you on calling a family meeting and it will get harder it got that hard for my mum and dad that they need to find respite care so it gave them a break and my nan and then my mum would pick her up when it was time to come home it will get harder and it is good to plan ahead sorry for the mix up as well.

Comment on I feel like I'm married to my mom! How do I help her get a life -- and butt out of mine?

Karen152 — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 18:09:24 -0000

Dear Anonymous, I don't have children, but my Dad passed away 4 1/2 years ago. My Parents lived in Florida when my Dad passed. I have a brother and sister, we moved Mom up here, we were trying to do that before Dad passed so she wouldn't be by herself. My Mother lost her husband, home and her dear friends with in two weeks. She was living with my husband and I for a few months till she felt ready to live on her own. Ever since then I've introduced her to A LOT of people, she has not and won't connect with any of them. (Church, her own community) The one saving grace is she does bowl one day a week if it isn't to cold to go out. I don't force her to do any thing, but when she gives me the "poor me" routine, I now say...."that's your choice to be by yourself". Please don't think I'm hard with her. She got me to a point where I was taking medication just to go see her. I snapped out of that one and said "what am I doing to myself". My brother will call, that's about it. He sees her once every few months. My sister comes up usually every weekend, for about 2 to 3 hours and leaves. Right now I'm unemployed so I have the time but need to get back to work. My Mother is 84 and has dementia. I love her more than anything but at times she is very stressful for me. I'm learning to say no at times and try to do some thing for me. (hobby or whatever) The one thing I have learned in taking back time for me is my Mother has come to accept that I need time to myself. Believe me, she got nasty the first few times but you have to keep taking that time for yourself. They do get use to it. I don't know what lies ahead for my Mom. I'm calling a family meeting with my brother and sister, we need to have a plan for "down the road" what ever it brings. There is so much more I could write....but would probably get a cramp in my fingers typing. Good luck & God Bless you.

Comment on My disabled mom lives alone, and I'm afraid she's going to burn down the house while cooking.

SecuritySurveillance — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 20:20:56 -0000

When it comes to this your mother wants to cook just to hold on to a little bit of independence that she has. Let her keep the one thing she can do to take care of herself by allowing her to cook. Ease your concerns and worries by giving yourself the ability to keep an eye on her from the luxury of your smart phone..(iPhone, Blackberry, Android, ect.). Get in touch with me and let me advise you on a surveillance system that you can access anywhere from the internet without adding to your monthly bills. Northshore Spy and Security Cameras could have everything you need in order to keep that close secure watch on your loved ones even when they don't want you too, why because its better for you and safer for them.

Comment on I feel like I'm married to my mom! How do I help her get a life -- and butt out of mine?

kayjones28 — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 20:16:39 -0000

Rite all this needs to turn around turn negitvies into positives and this may mean sitting down and creating true boundries for you and your children and your mom you need to thank your mom and your children as well. you all need your own time and space so you are all focusing on your emotional well being. you need to do some things with your children away from your mom, and your mom needs to find a hobbies or something she may like to do and do something together while you aint at work or something go shopping go for walk just something where you and your mom are having the mom and daughter relationship and on a Sunday you all could go to your local church and introduce your mom to people around her own age. i agree with the advisor about creating a board that you each rite what you are thankful for hope this helps

Comment on My parents, who have dementia, flat-out refuse to move into assisted living. How do I get them to move without making them hate me?

kayjones28 — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 19:53:17 -0000

when you love someone who gets dementia it can be hard i know this as my nan had it and it was hard on all the family and my relationship with her change my nan was very forgetful of every day stuff but happy to live in the past to recall and tell me stories while i was helping her but taking her to the toilet etc and this was hard as every time i would go to bed i would cry as every day it was like the dementia took another piece of my nan away and i ask my mum and dad to tell me what was going on with her so i felt apart of it but they didn't my sister and brother and my nan's niece,sister and brother seemed to know what was going on more than me and it was hard on me then as no one told me anything and i didn't have the confidence to stand up and speak to me but the way i feel now about it is that i am glad that they didn't in a way as i think it would of got me depressed etc and i wouldn't of be able to enjoy the bit of time that i had with her. she was aggressive to my mum but my nan would listen to my dad and that was hard to hear and seen as this happened i didn't seen any of my nan in her at all. as i looked after her for a week or two she got a bit argumentive with when it came to her dinner etc but other than that my nan know she was in my house and she was like my nan we would have a laugh etc i would let her talk about her past as well and she loved that and i learnt stuff about my family as well. when my nan was alive there was no information etc and then afterwards it was in the news alot in the paper's leaflets in the doctor's and i thought if this was about when my nan was alive then maybe she would of been around a little bit longer than what she was. So my advice i got for people going through this at the moment or it has just started is get as much information as possible and look into what help there is out there as well and use the organstions as well that are out there as they will send you information out as well.

Comment on My mother-in-law needs to have her own place, rather than live with us -- but my husband disagrees.

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Comment on I feel like I'm married to my mom! How do I help her get a life -- and butt out of mine?

jorie13 — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 18:47:11 -0000

For Anonymous, Is there any chance this could be depression? If this behavior seems to have started or gotten worse since she lost her husband, medical evaluation may be needed. If she has always been this way, then I would recommend counseling or some action. You need to think of the effect on the kids and yourself. Abusive behavior (verbal OR physical) is not OK.

Comment on I feel like I'm married to my mom! How do I help her get a life -- and butt out of mine?

jorie13 — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 18:34:02 -0000

The whole article was realistic and (from my own experiences) covered most of the problems encountered. Enough detail was offered to make the changes easier to accomplish. The one thing we can always do in any situation is change our attitude--it almost always affects the attitudes of others in some way (prayerfully possitive). I have just learned to "Give it to God" and stop worrying.

Comment on I feel like I'm married to my mom! How do I help her get a life -- and butt out of mine?

Anonymous — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 14:39:06 -0000

Oh my! This sounds so familiar. My father passed away over 3 years ago, and my mother has been living with me and my two children for over 2 1/2 years. She stopped driving when she moved in with us. She is very critical of everything I do, will not respect my wishes as far as my children are concerned, and says hurtful and mean-spirited things to me all the time. If I want to have some "me" time and go out with my friends, she gets weepy and tells me how hard this is for her. If I try to have a constructive conversation with her, she gets angry and responds with extreme statements. I have given up everything to try to help her adjust to life without my father. But I have to say, it is sucking all the life out of me!

Comment on My disabled mom lives alone, and I'm afraid she's going to burn down the house while cooking.

Jade1961 — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 14:53:09 -0000

I realize I gave you some ideas in my last post to your blog. However, since that day I ran across this article (http://www.caring.com/articles/payment-for-family-caregiver) on this very site. It is written much better and in much greater depth than I could do. I hope you find it helpful. God Bless, Jade

Comment on My disabled mom lives alone, and I'm afraid she's going to burn down the house while cooking.

AtHomeTech NYC — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 01:56:07 -0000

Don't forget about technology. The newer passive technology won't interfere with your mother's sense of independence but will allow you to know that the stove has not been left on. The technology is not that expensive especially when you consider the costs of assisted living or even your mental health. There are several companies that do this sort of thing.

Comment on Dad's killing himself to take care of Mom.

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