Caring for my mother-in-law has taken over our lives and home!
By Carol O'Dell, Caring.com contributing editor
Six months ago we brought my husband's mother into our home. She's a widow, has a heart condition, and was recovering from a hip replacement at the time. The move was presented as a temporary situation, but since then moving back out hasn't been mentioned.
The moment she arrived, she completely took over. She criticizes everything about our lives, from what time we take out the garbage to my relationship with our daughter and granddaughter to what television programs we watch. My husband cowers. We don't feel like a couple anymore and rarely get time alone. He goes to play golf or heads down to the shop (he's retired but owns a mechanic shop in town), while I'm stuck caregiving her all day.
I realize that she'll need our assistance later, but she really has recovered enough for now and could live nearby. How can I bring up that possibility to her and to my husband? I want my life back!
One of the most complicated decisions to make is when to commit to full-time caregiving. Start too soon and you may burn out too soon. Start too late and you have to jump into a situation that has already taken many twists and turns. You're wise to realize that caregiving can be temporary and will come again but that everyone will fare better if they live independently for as long as possible.
Now, here's the tricky part. I'm glad you said "I want my life back" to me, but you might not want to share that as vocally with your husband and mother-in-law. They may see your motives as being entirely self-serving when they're not. Your marriage and your health will most certainly benefit, and even your mother-in-law will be happier and healthier by continuing to be in charge of her own life.
You sound resentful. That's utterly normal, but it's toxic. It's time to be proactive, and you've got to be willing to do what it takes to change your situation. So be "meek as a lamb and cunning as a fox" and keep the conversation on why your mother-in-law would do so much better close by -- and assure her that you'll make sure all her care needs are met.
Notice my language -- I didn't say you would do it all. You don't need to. She'll actually do much better having various people in her life: home aides if necessary, church members, neighbors, old and new friends, someone who can help out with occasional housework or personal care. Many studies show that women tend to fare better in old age because they're more socially active, so wanting your mom-in-law to have other people in her life isn't selfish.
How do you get her to "move on down the road"? Don't make it too perfect at home. Get busy with your own life. If there are dishes in the sink, then she can either do them or wait till you can. If the trash isn't out by a certain time, then she can either take it out or nag her son about it. Let her complain. Once you really believe, deep down, that this is the best decision for everyone, it will become much easier to move in a forward direction, and many things will likely fall into place.
If her comments really bother you, ask yourself why you care what she thinks of you. We all want people to like us, of course, but I've learned that sometimes that price is just too high. After many years of married life, I've come to see my mother-in-law as just a woman, like me. She's loved her family and made plenty of mistakes along the way -- just like me. It's wonderful that I can finally be comfortable with her and with myself. It wasn't always that way.
Your mother-in-law is probably griping because it makes her feel needed -- you can't do it right without her -- and because it's easy to get in a "stinkin' thinkin'" rut and not realize that every word coming out of her mouth is negative. Plus, we can't forget that jealousy isn't just a childish emotion: You're her son's gal, and many mothers never fully let go of their sons.
Plan lunches out with friends, volunteer at a local charity, and make sure to enjoy a movie date night with your husband. Don't shun your mother-in-law; she's lonely and bored, and all of us get that way sometimes. Be kind and pleasant when you're at home, no matter who is or isn't there. It's a good habit to make your home a haven for everyone. I'm just saying that it isn't necessary to be her full-time caregiver or her social committee.
When you do have that talk with your hubby, say it with love but be firm. He's stuck in the middle, so don't expect him to be 100 percent on your side. But remember, you're holding the ace: Healthy men need a wife more than a mother. So be a wife. Invest in that relationship. Be affectionate, playful, talk about your future together, make it more fun and flirty to be together, and your husband just might pack up his mom quicker than a wink!
Also, do your homework and look for some good living possibilities before you show them to your mother-in-law. Make sure she's surrounded with lots of support and amenities that make life easy and meaningful. Condos are more reasonable than ever, and there are some great retirement communities out there. She could have a whole new life ahead of her and not even know it.
I'm 66, and feel like our lives are controlled by parents; mine and his. We moved to a small town nearly ten years ago, and within a year we had my mom and both his parents in assisted living near us. I must admit, we invited them. But, based on stats, I was expecting a three to five year commitment---max. Now it's feeling like a life sentence. His mom has passed on, but the other two could go on for years. Like some of the other posts, we are their sole social existence. Unfortunately, even the good residences don't offer anywhere near the socialization they promise. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. Or for that matter, no end, and the not so subtle guilt trps are driving me nuts. The only way we can escape is to literally leave the state. Have tried local orgs who have volunteers for companion assistance--someone who would come by and read to them (both blind and hard of hearing) or take the fil for walks or drives or just show an interest. unfortunately, could get it if the parents were destitute; they aren't. It's not that we aren't willing to pay (within reason) it's that I want someone who actually wants be with them and will enjoy it, not just a job. Any ideas.on how to find a reputable resource?
Sounds like your husband is married to his mother, not to you! If it were me, and I had the funds, I'd go live somewhere else for a while, temporarily or for good. You basically don't have a home of your own right now, so why not tell your husband that you need some time and space to yourself for X amount of time (I'd go for a couple weeks minimum, so he gets that you mean business and actually has to deal with his mother's nuttiness himself), so you're going to go stay at a hotel or friends' house or wherever. IMO, you've made it way too easy for your husband to make lite of a very abusive situation. It's time to put this mess in his lap where it belongs. You need for him to take responsibility for his choice to keep his intrusive, self-centered, mean mother in YOUR home waaaaay past her freshness date;) Hold your husband's feet to the fire, so to speak. He can't keep pretending the real problem is that he's "stuck in the middle" and that it's just your bad attitude, etc. He needs to stop being so spineless/head in the sand, step up to the plate and play ball fairly. His pretending it's all your fault is ridiculous, selfish and just plain cruel. He'd never let you demand he take care of one of your abusive parents while you ran off here and there to play, would he?! I think if you play this game kind of lite and breezy...sound calm and cheery as you say you'll be gone a couple weeks...you'll up your chances of having a real husband at your side asap. OR you'll sooner, rather than later, know he has no intention of putting you first in his life. In which case, you'll waste less of your valuable time getting more abuse from your husband and MIL and get on with your own much more fun life. Good luck!
"My husband cowers. We don't feel like a couple anymore and rarely get time alone." THIS. DH and I are in the same situation. MIL is at the stage she COULD live alone with regular visits and supervision and a monitoring system in case she falls. But she has gotten DH convinced that she is an invalid and NEEDS us all the time. But she can go out with her friends by herself. She does not do chores, the moment you mention chores she transforms into the sick little old lonely lady she wants DH to see her as, and goes and hides. But if five minutes later, one of her friends calls, she's up and out the door. Otherwise, she is pretty much up our butts. She does NOTHING for herself, except the self-care like bathing, feeding, and dressing that if she could not do would end her in a home per DH's words. DH also cowers. He is so afraid of mommy dying on his watch that he refuses to see what she is capable of. Everytime I talk to him about trying to get her to do chores, he gets defensive and angry. I am over her so much. I tried to speak to her doctor but every time I send him a letter, he ignores it, doesn't respond to me, but gives the letter to MIL during her appointment, so she can put on her independent act that she does with him where she tells him she does EVERYTHING around the house.
I'm 49 now but helped my parents take care of Dad's mother from the age of 4. She was bed confined for a bad hip & partially by choice for sympathy-she was not a happy person. Dad worked a factory job but still came home and shared the care-he didn't run and hide. My other grandmother was also toxic and when she could no longer live alone she was told by my Mother that she would not be coming to live with us. We found a retirment home for her but she suffered another stroke in the hospital. Dad had died years earlier but he had always made sure she was made welcome in the home even though she thought Mother could have done better. Your husband needs to step up and stop being mom's little boy. Set up a list of chores for mom to do, have her contribute to rent. Wouldn't you do that should your kids move back in? It's your house - your rules. Husband and wife standing together to have a family discussion of those rules. Would your husband stay home and take care of his mother-in-law? It sounds tough and mean but who is going to help YOU through your breakdown if this continues?