I do all the caregiving work, and my "golden boy" brother gets the glory.
By Carol O'Dell, Caring.com contributing editor
I'm so sick of my parents playing favorites. Oh, they would never admit to this, but it's so clear to me. For the past 18 months they have lived with my husband and me and our three kids. We take them to doctor appointments, cook for them, and manage their bills; in exchange they put money toward the household bills. It's a good arrangement, although money is still tight. I wouldn't mind, except for the fact that all we ever hear about are the once-in-a-blue-moon things that my older brother does for them.
He lives across the country and swoops in every few months to do something outrageous, like take them to an expensive dinner (but he would never help pay for their food bills). Or he buys them fancy things they don't need -- last week it was a computer, which I can tell you they will never use. He doesn't seem to see the very basic needs and he never asks me how I'm doing. Forget telling me to have a talk to him. I've tried and nothing changes...all he cares about is to be the Golden Boy in their eyes. How can I get Mom and Dad to stop lording him over me, and how can I get Mr. Moneybags to spend his money in more useful way?
It's not fair that your brother gets the "fun" part, but sadly, this basic dynamic isn't likely to change. Your brother's role as giver of lavish gifts and "golden son" who swoops your parents off their feet allows them to enjoy the glamour and excitement that their day-to-day lives lack. I'm betting you wouldn't choose to razzle-dazzle them any more than your brother could do the quiet constant work you do. In some ways, your parents need a little of both.
Anger, jealousy, and comparisons won't solve this battle. So stop making it a battle. Your brother will probably never come around and do things your way as long as you're demanding it. As soon as you stop giving him the power to aggravate you, the more you'll be content right where you are. So even though you're frustrated, let him be who he is.
Deep-down your parents, and probably your brother, know you're the real deal. You'll be happier when you stop comparing your parental relationship to his.
Do you think your parents might be egging on a rivalry between the two of you? Don't be surprised if they don't enjoy the drama. Remember, too, that for parents, children are a kind of report card for what kind of mothers and fathers we are. If they appear less than admirable, then we feel as if we've failed. Your parents may fuss over your brother in an exaggerated way out of a determination to see him in a good light. Another possible influence: Some people with big personalities seem to charm anyone and everyone they meet; even their parents can be sucked into all the hoopla. You can't expose this without appearing jealous and petty, so don't try. Just be yourself and feel your own worth.
Decide what you could really use from your brother in terms of financial help (maybe something he'd feel would make him look good as well) --- and then ask for it in front of your parents. You can't necessarily change who your brother is, but you may be able to use it to your advantage. Catch him at his own game, if you will. That new computer? Use it yourself.
At the same time, do try to see the good your brother brings to your parents' lives. Even thank him for it. There's no better way to deal with our frustrations and challenges than to turn around and show gratitude for them. Do this not because your brother does or doesn't deserve it. Do it because of the kind of person you're choosing to be. If he makes your parents' faces light up, isn't that a good thing? If he makes your mother smile and blush and look forward to seeing him, then doesn't that enrich her life?
If being the dreary one (in comparison) really bothers you, ask yourself how you can bring a smile yourself. Maybe you've been so locked into caregiving duties that you forget to celebrate life. (Please don't think I've forgotten how exhausted and overwhelmed you are.) Use your brother's style to spur you forward.
Know your value and view caring for your parents and being in their everyday lives as the privilege it is. Think of your situation this way: Would you rather be the parent who gets to take your child to Disney once a year, or the parent who gets to tuck him in every night and teaches him to ride a bike along with, yes, dealing with the spiking high fevers and the temper tantrums that are part of the package? Isn't that what family is all about, really being there...and not just for the fun stuff?
I hope you'll fill your heart and time with thoughts about what really matters, and shine a golden light on the great life you have, independent of your brother's choices.
It would be much better to have advise on how to effectively deal with the "golden boy" rather than simply tell the person to learn to deal with it. These issues have to be confronted head on, or they turn the caregiver sibling into a festering mess of resentment. Unless the caregiver either consciously or unconsciously ends up playing the martyr, it's NOT a good situation to just let it lie. The non-helper sibling has to be confronted about the situation and be involved in a "come to Jesus" meeting of the minds about the situation.
We must all go through this. There are two golden boys in my family and I just thank them on the way out...it's made my mom happy. I have one other brother who does help me out and I thank him constantly. I know mom sometimes hurts my feelings with her actions but it isn't about me...it's about her. She was a wonderful mother and that's what I remember to keep me going. I love my brothers as well, though I like one more. Although I'm not in AA I do pray the serenity prayer for strength and acceptance of the situation. I am human. I truly hope you sort yourself out because it is you that you are hurting.
I feel so very sad that there is so many of us that experience the golden boy/or golden girl that our parents rejoice everytime they hear or see the siblings. I had caretaker burnout "big time". I have went through so much,it has been undescrible. So much that has been posted, I have experienced. Out of 4 other siblings, only 1 sibling has been supportive and even at times that sibling could not understand what the "caretaker" of the parents have experienced. I truly understand what you are feeling. I will pray for you all. Please find comfort knowing that you are not alone. What I am doing is letting go of the feeling that make me angry and resentful. "Why?" you ask. Basically, it was destroying who I was. My parents are in a assisted living facility and that is where they should be. They do not like it, but as the time has gone by, they have gotten worse with their health and mind. I now go there twice a week participating in the activities and helping the aides. This has made me a better person in which I am not only helping residents. I turned over the POA to my older brother. He will have to make the decision, when they will have to go into the nursing home, and will have to deal with all the financial stuff. I choose to be who I am, just as they choose to be who they are. Forget about the golden boy/girl.
Please understand that I confronted brother in front of parent many times without any result. I asked so many times I grew weary of asking. When family does not help, it only aggirvates the situation to keep "beating a dead horse". My parent justified the non-response always by saying "well, they work; they're busy". Well, what did she think I was doing? I worked a very demanding job, with a disabled husband and aging parent, and I was busy also but I was taking care of her. This just made me more frustrated and feeling bad, so I eventually stopped asking and went around them. Some of you don't understand that we have asked for help in all the ways suggested; we asked and asked and asked. Nothing more depressing than practially begging for help and still not receiving it. We have been there and done that; and still brothers did not help in a substantial way and were constantly defended by the parent. This almost said I was a non-person. I vented - I feel better. At work, some people said "everyone has the same amount of hours in the day". I would have traded lives with them for one week and then see if they felt that way.
Hugs Prabhakar
One thing no one has mentioned yet is a corollary to the suggestion to ask him for help in front of your parents. One thing that would make perfect sense, and be right up his "golden boy" image's alley, would be to suggest a) that he take them away on vacation, even for a weekend, to some local resort-level hotel, if they are up for the trip, or b) ask him to come stay in YOUR home for a week (or at least a weekend) so you and your family can get away for a break, or c) that he pay to hire someone to come in and help (either to help your parents while you get out to do errands and maybe go to the gym or to supplement your care by doing some of the housework or even such care as bathing/dressing/feeding, if needed). All three would put him in a good light. Hang in there. As others have said, you are doing the right thing. Let that help sustain you, but don't be hesitant to ASK for any help you need, especially respite!
I know exactly how you are feeling. My situation was the same. My golden boy brother came to see my mom once a YEAR, he lives just 2 hours away. When he came in with all his kids, I would receive negative and hateful comments from my mother. I learned to stop feeding in to all the negative comments, and turn them into something positive, which really upset my mom. I start out each and every day with the motto of "doing the right thing", and this gives me so much peace. My mom was terminal for several months and passed away 3 weeks ago, and I have no regrets, because I know that I always tried to do the right thing, and gave her the best of care day after day.
Look at all these responses! You are not alone with the family dynamics. When I complain to my mom about "the boys" she tells me there needs to be a caregiver in every family. It helps me deal with my present situation, caring for my boyfriends mother with ?Alzheimer's and my dad with COPD, without much help. Can you imagine where your parents would be if your brother were taking care of them? In a home somewhere, no doubt. Be proud of yourself for stepping up. I wrote a poem about caregiving for an Alzheimer's patient called Said and Done that may help you in your situation: bit.ly/cTt6E0
Bless you, dear one. I have been there so completely, I almost feel I wrote your comment! This situation simply boils down to "family dynamics", and it happens more often than you think. It is not right, nor is it fair, but it happens. There are four of us children, 2 boys (the oldest and the youngest) and 2 girls (in the middle). The girls were the ones to carry the load and we're hundreds of miles part; both our husbands have been severely disabled for years, and we are not in the best position to care for elderly/ill parents, but we did for many years. My sister and I refer to the boys as the "bookends", which we would like to knock off the shelf. For years, I have referred to the brother/spouse who live locally as "the golden ones". It is all so familiar--it was so hard, and so hurtful, so damaging to me. But you will make it, and I will tell you that you will never, never regret what you have done. When your parent is gone, you can hold your head high and know that you did all you possibly could and under very difficult circumstances. Your own physical and mental health has been put to the test. You will be able to look yourself in the mirror and your conscience will be so clear & satisfied that you did the right thing, not the easy thing. Your reward: "Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee". And I'm sure there will be extra stars in your crown in heaven for this loving and sacrificial deed. I have tried to forget all the past and remember only the good memories, which are so much more important. Resentment and bitterness are your enemy. Shake them off.
I have been taking care of my now 86 year old parents for 4 years. They no longer can really leave the house except for Dr. appts. Father is blind and uses a scooter. Mother falls. I am still single so the responsibility has come down to me. Sure I have a lot of resentment because I have two older siblings who rarely come into visit and when they do I am left w/the mess and cooking.They bring the presents and really expensive food....The one satisfaction that I have is they are happy when the sibs leave and want no one else to care for them. I am the one who will have no regrets when it comes to my parents. I keep telling myself that and that keeps me going.
The discussion with brother will of course not make him take much action. But it will sure create awareness in his as well as parents' mind about the work you are doing. They have to appreciate it, and admit you are no less than a 'golden girl'
I am sorry about your problem with your brother. I am the full time caregiver for my Mother who has advanced Demenita and other health issues. I am her only daughter. My THREE Brothers are all "golden boys"! I know how much it hurts and I'm sure it isn't about the money issues. I would love to hear these golden words "Thank you for taking such good care of our Mom and I appreciate everything you have given up to do this." I won't give any advice on a frank talk I doubt your Brother would understand what your life is like on a daily basis. My 3 siblings don't have a clue and are happy living a "normal" life. I gave up on the dream that they would ever step in to help me. The only one I can count on is my Son who will drop anything he's doing to come over and is always just a phone call away. I wish I could wave a magic wand and solve all of our problems in this situation. The best I can offer is to say you are not alone and we will stand tall together knowing we have done our best job. God Bless You!
Prayers Prabhakar
Day-to-day care of elderly parents is more of a boy's responsibility. Apart from money, the boys are supposed to put in their physical efforts too. Apparently this is not being done. I think you should sit down with your brother and have a frank talk with him. He need to be told bluntly, and in front of the parents too, so they too can appreciate the efforts being put in by you, and that you are feeling a bit of pinch. It is common for the parents to live equal time with their offspring. This may not be convenient for your parents too, but then they have to appreciate your efforts. This can only be done if you point out to them and brother both. Do not hesitate to take action. Ranting on a web-site will not do you any good, except a small relief to your nerves in the shape of sharing your concern.
I have a similar situation that I can barely tolerate any longer. I have been my Mothers caretakr for nearly three years. She is my 100% responsibility.My Nephew who is her GOLDEN BOY lives across the street with his girlfriend and thier five year old Autistic son. My Mother praises them - they who do NOTHING to help her. They have seen me sruggle putting her wheelchair in or out of the back seat of my car almost daily. They have seen me struggle carrying cases of water. They have watched me for nearly three years make major repairs around her home (I live in her home) and never offered a helping hand. BTW the house is being left to him. The only time they come over is when they want something, never just to visit or ask how she's doing. I also have a mentall ill adult son that I care for. He is Schizophrenic/Schizotypal so I never know what to expect or "who" might be coming to the door.He stays in back.. My Mother has 29 grand/great grand children and the only one's existence she even recognizes are those across the street She showers them with money and expensive gifts - AND the girlfriend! They are so underswerving of any of it. I feel hate beginning to consume my heart. Sadly she's not the kind of Grandma that dotes on the little ones that do come to see her. She'd rather watch her game shows with volume blasting - and don't dare interrupt this unless of course it's her golden boy/girl/great nephew! Then she lites up! She even knows that they are just waiting for her to die for their financial gain. But this doesn't even seem to make a difference. I'm sick of it. Everything is all about him. If I left they would immediately put her into an old folks home and take over her affairs - he has this right, he is the exec. of her trust. And she knows this too. What's it going to take for her to realize That they are clearly taking advantage of her and that they don't care about her? I'm exhausted and I'm angry and I'm hating them . And I'm sorry I've done so much work around here because it is they who will gain from it. I don't know how much longer I can keep this u. It has definately had an ill effect on my health, mentally,physically and emotionally. I struggle with advanced RA myself. and I am 58 years old, two old for all this. I dont know what to do anymore. I know that I definately have caretaker burn out.
Your parents may fuss over your brother in an exaggerated way out of a determination to see him in a good light....I thought that could possibly have hit the nail on the head. I have a similar situation with my sister-in-law...and I'm her mother's carer! The way I see it, truly, is that your brother, my s-i-l, are the ones who are missing out. Try to enjoy the time you have with your parents - I've lost both mine, and how I wish I'd given them the time I give my m-i-l (who, by the way, was the m-i-l from hell). It really does come down to keeping that love in your heart - for your brother too...he is obviously doing what he feels is the best he can do, possibly even emotionally. I also agree that asking him for financial assistance in front of your parents is a fine idea. All the best to all of you...and look after yourself...
This reply can only be called "beautiful" and so insiteful. It also seems as if my sibling also lives in a fantasy world, I sometimes think the reality of the real world is to painful or stressful for her to deal with. Thank you, your reply helped me immensely, good luck for the person who summited the question.
I feel your brother is insulting by not recognizing you, the primary caregiver with the entire physical, emotional and financial burden you have to cope with on a daily basis. By playing the good son and giving presents to your parents gives him esteemed recognition from your parents and power over you as it negates all that you do for your parents. His behavior is narcissistic as the gifts actually represent him and not your parents needs and for this reason you must not try and change him. Instead be smart about this all and use your brother’s actions to help support you and your family to best care for your parents and make your life easier. If he wants to play the golden boy, then let him and even encourage him to do so. Playing the hero is exhausting. Secretly – you will have the last laugh.