My ex-husband is dying, and our two young adult children want me to be more involved: sit with him, help out with hospice, and help make funeral plans. (He doesn't have other family.) I'm remarried and I don't want my new husband to feel uncomfortable. I don't even think I want to do it –- but I can't seem to sort out my feelings because the kids are so upset. I feel myself being swept along by their emotions.
I'm not angry at my ex anymore (which is a miracle considering how nasty the divorce was ten years ago), and I want to be a good person, but I also feel hypocritical. If he weren't dying, I doubt we'd all be acting like this "one big happy family" the way my kids want.
As much as your children are pressing you to reach out to their dad, they're also asking you to be there for them. They're anxious and scared, and that's part of why they want you involved.
Don't care for your ex because your children think you should. This is a personal choice, and one that you should give much thought. Whatever you do, however much or little -- do it willingly. While it can be difficult, you can set the limits in a way that works for you.
There's a wonderful scene in the movie Marvin's Room in which Meryl Streep's character says that relationships are like a bowl of fishhooks -- we can't pick up one without a whole mess of them coming in tow (loose translation). You're certainly dealing with a lot of fishhooks! You have to sort through your own feelings and then balance them with the needs of each child, your spouse, and possibly even your ex. Each may care about you in his or her own way, but none of them can fathom what you're experiencing.
First, talk to your spouse. Share your conflicting emotions and emphasize how much you care about him and are committed to your relationship. Ask him to be patient and understand what you and your children are going through. If you do decide to directly participate in your ex’s care, be sure to also spend quality time with your husband in the coming weeks and months. He’ll be much more supportive if he feels that you two are partners in all this, even if he isn't involved beyond being your strength and comfort. And while it's important that you discuss this with your husband, try not to let his preferences (or your children's) determine your decisions. As you'll certainly be considerate of their feelings, they also must respect yours.
Spend time with your children. You represent safety for them because you've always "fixed" things before, and you have some wisdom and experience that they may not have yet. Listen to their fears, let them rehearse something they might need to say to their father, or let them gripe about their long and frustrating day. I bet that the more you're there for them, the less they'll be focused on you being there for your ex.
In dealing with your ex, go slow and do what feels right. It's better not to "ride in with the cavalry" only to realize later that you've somehow become the primary caregiver and you have no idea how it got to this point. Keep healthy boundaries -- by that I mean, figure out where you draw the line and do only what you're completely comfortable with. Stay aware of your own feelings; it's easy to fall back into familiar patterns, even if they weren't great ones to start with.
Life takes some crazy turns. As long as you go in aware (and a tad cautious), stay open to the possibility that this could actually be a special time of healing and closure for all of you. Your children need to walk this final journey with their father -- and to be a part of that with them, however you choose to define it, might just turn out to be good thing.
I DID THE SAME FOR MY DAUGHTERS WHEN THEIR FATHER WAS DYING
Agree with PatDe. All choices were made by adults. Equip your children to care and show them the resources. Help them with the transition to be there for their father and please don't forget to keep your husband in the loop and discuss your involvement with him. I think it is really your children's need for comfort because you are mom and mom's fix everything for us -- when we are sick, need band-aids or life goes wrong all roads lead back to home and they are scared I am sure and reaching out to you for support and comfort because to them this was dad.
i feel it's afami;y thing ,that all should have in put if they like ,i was in that situation my self ,one mintue i was mad with my mom then i thought about how she felt ,so i had to retrack and think what would be good 4 the whole family ,even all didn't want that part of what it meant to not only to our mom but the hurt they felt after mom ,dad split .but befor the they dealt with it as they saw that they could't hang onto the hurt ,but they only saw befor the end that we all need to be strong 4 each other to make it for the end .it is still afamily thing and i know her new husband would be there 4 his wife in what ever she want to do
I would definitely help him with the dying process BUT I would tell your children that your exhusband would have the assistance of not one, but two of you. You and your new husband together as a couple. Taking away the traditional roles you had, you are being asked to be compassionate to a man who is in the dying process who would find peace and comfort to go through the death experience with your presence because it symbolizes a sense of forgiveness for the past. Your new husband's presence symbolizes his acceptance of the man who was once your husband, as a man who is worthy of respect. So tell your children that you will do it but only if your present husband is an active helper in this as well. For that relationship is not t o be slighted or ignored. The sacred union that you have with your current husband is also to be respected. It may also bring forward a possibility of a chance for a better friendship between your children with your ex and your current husband.
I think that if it were me that I would go ahead and help out if I still cared for him and I probably would, even though you are no longer married and what happened in the past is in the past, if your new husband would not be hurt by this or think any less of you, but okay with it in all honesty, I think it would benefit the children and l think they really need your support. He is still their dad and you are still their mom regardless, so if I felt like it was the right thing to do then I'd do it. I think what your husband thinks about it is important, but don't see how he could blame you for being there for him in the end if you still love your husband now.current husband). It is just human to care even after many years. Only my opinion, may or may not help you. I hope you can make the decison that is good for all.
I too agree with PatDE to an extent. I work with Hospice & cancer victims when they reach the end of their lives through the Lance Armstrong Foundations LIVESTRONG Army program. I am a 2 time cancer survivor & leader of the Erie County Cancer Killers a LIVESTRONG Army. So, that said ... if the divorce took place 10 years ago, young adult could mean 12 ~ 18. If it is the latter of those ages there is so very much the children can do to help their father & have their time with him before he passes. This is necessary for closure once he is gone. There is nothing worse than leaving the children out of the choices their Dad has made as when the end does happen they feel like they never got to say that last "I Love You" or even "Dad, it's okay you can go we will be okay I love you good-bye". These are just some of the examples we use in our aiding families of those dying from cancer. If the children are too young to comprehend fully the situation then they cannot be involved in caring for their dad but they can spend time with him, monitored of course perhaps by one of the Hospice workers. Just my suggestion & I pray it helps.
PatDE is absolutly right, just what I also thought. The father made this decision long ago and the adult children must learn that fact of life. She can guide the young adults to the correct agencies and give advice. There are caregivers to hire and a wonderful learning experience for the children to have speinding this final time with and for their father.
I feel a more useful path would be to give the tools to the children to care for their father. I don't know what age "young adult" translates to for this woman, but teaching her children to properly care for their father would go much father in their lives, in their futures, than the mom doing the work for them. I recommend that she take an active backseat role and that she only step in if it becomes necessary.