My brother watches my dad two days a week, when I work part-time. I just noticed he's been charging things on Dad's credit card, like a new iPod and parts for his computer. This isn’t stuff for Dad.
I really need my brother to sit with dad, but I don't want him taking advantage like this.
Put a stop to this now. Don’t hem and haw; be clear: “You can’t charge personal items on Dad’s card. He can’t afford it, and neither can I.” Even if your brother says he didn’t do it or that he’ll pay him back by the end of the month, simply tell him this isn’t part of the caregiving deal, that you don’t do it, and it’s taking advantage of your father. If you don’t handle this quickly, your dad (or you) could wind up with a whopping debt.
Guys tend to react better to confrontations when we just come out and say it. Men, more than women, don’t seem to get as offended or stay mad for long. So draw a sharp line –- but also see if you can observe what’s going on beneath the surface.
Why does he do it? Some family members have a sense of entitlement, even when they didn’t earn it. Your brother may consider the charged goodies to be a perk for Dad-sitting. Or he may have full good intentions of paying it back. (As we all know, though, debt tends to grow astronomically.) Maybe he’s just bored –- is caregiving a good fit for him? Or maybe he doesn’t have enough of his own money and his time would be better spent at paid work.
Also, I hate to ask, but does your brother have a gambling problem or drug addiction? They’re temptations at any age that can lead even good people to try to get money in creative ways.
Caregiving can bring us back in close contact with our siblings and other family members. It provides an opportunity to see aspects of one another’s lives we haven’t been exposed to as adults. What we see isn’t always pretty. But there’s always a chance to grow and change.
Call the credit card company and put a limit on your dad’s card, if you can. Make it a low limit, maybe a couple of hundred dollars. This prevents your brother from talking your dad into purchasing items for him.
I’d also keep a good eye on your dad’s other accounts and legal documents. Don’t let your family ties keep you from facing potentially uncomfortable facts. It’s better to ask, to check it out, and to know what you’re dealing with up front.
I hope you and your brother can continue to care for your dad together after you've made the rules clear. Seeing you two share the load must make your father happy.
Can a relative, wife, son, daughter, use another relatives credit card without them knowing it, and cause the credit card company to take that relatives home? Can another relative be held responsible for charges incurred on a family members credit card, other than their own?
All of the comments are correct. Do something right now to stop this or your dad will end up like my mom. Her daughter took everything from her, house, credit cards and cash!
I echo the answers given. It's just too easy to use a credit card and take advantage of someone. Before I started using my parents' gas card, I spoke with my siblings (all too far away to care for Mom/Dad). The assented to the use as a way to partially pay me back for the caretaking I need to do - runs about $350/month. It would be easy to use it more and take advantage, but I want to be very careful and keep from abusing the privilege.
I would think there would be a way to contact the credit card company and get some idea from them how you could put a safety on the card so he can't just use it. Maybe there is a way to have to have two signatures to use the card? I don't know but its worth checking out. Good luck
I would add that it might be worthwhile to determine if your father even needs a credit card any longer. This happened in my family. My mother and uncle both share caretaking duties for my grandmother (although Grandma lives in a very nice old folks home), they drive her around, help with bills, etc. My uncle began using grandma's card to buy some things for himself. Being the favorite, he could talk my very frugal grandmother into anything and I truly think he MEANT to pay it back...only the money was never there ("I should have enough next month"). Finally my mother (who has POA) had enough, took the card and had it canceled. He was very upset but my mom was honest with him about Grandma's financial situation and surprisingly their relationship is better now than it has been in years. Men need clear, direct communication without a lot of emotion.