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Dear Family Advisor
Archive 2009
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I'm trapped between honoring my mother’s wishes for her memorial –- and alienating my siblings.
December 30, 2009
Advice on funeral planning in an interfaith family. How to honor the memorial plans of your deceased loved ones, while fulfilling your siblings' needs at the same time.... Read more
13 Comments
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Help! Being a caregiver has warped my fiance's sense of his own mortality.
December 17, 2009
Advice for the partner of someone in the throes of grief bordering on depression.... Read more
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I'm a new widow who wants to skip the holidays this year – but my grown kids want me to be with them.
December 10, 2009
A helpful article providing advice on grief at the holidays. Balancing personal needs and family obligations can be difficult but your feelings are normal and healthy, so don't feel guilty for humbugging it this season.... Read more
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My sick wife is way too dependent on her mom for her care.
December 04, 2009
Find out how to help a sick spouse find appropriate emotional support when she is dependent on her parents. Your goal is not to get her to transfer her dependency to you, that's not necessarily healthy either.... Read more
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I can't handle two sets of parents with health issues for the holidays!
November 21, 2009
Holiday advice for coping with a caregiving "double whammy": aging parents on both sides of the family.... Read more
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Is it selfish to not want to move in with a boyfriend whose live-in mom is old and sick?
November 14, 2009
What to consider before entering a relationship with a caregiver devoted to his mother. Fifteen years ago I had a romantic relationship overseas that my boyfriend ended abruptly because his mother threatened to commit suicide if he continued seeing me. ... Read more
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Mom can't live alone but blows off my attempts to help
November 07, 2009
Advice on how to help an aging parent or loved one who can no longer live alone. Tips on how to convince seniors living independently that it's time to accept assistance.... Read more
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I'm wracked with guilt for enjoying life again now that my husband is in a care home.
October 31, 2009
Find out why enjoying life when a spouse is in a care home is healthy and should not fill you with guilt. Get tips for coping with the guilt and living a balanced life.... Read more
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My mom says my dad isn't my biological father -- and I can't tell if it's the truth or her dementia talking.
October 24, 2009
Biological Father Doubts . Learn whether or not to trust deathbed confessions, such as whether your dad is your biological father.... Read more
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I'm afraid my husband, who has a terminal disease, is suicidal
October 17, 2009
Suicidal Tendency in Spouse. Advice and resources for caregivers who fear a loved one who has suicidal tendencies from terminal illness.... Read more
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My sister won't care for Mom even though she lives in the same town. I do everything, but I live 800 miles away!
October 10, 2009
Learn how to deal with resentment over a sibling who doesn't help, when you're a long-distance caregiver. Don't let sibling conflict distract you from the bigger issue: how to manage your mom's care and care for yourself at the same time.... Read more
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I'm your classic burned out caregiver and don't know how much longer I can do this.
October 03, 2009
If you decide you don't want to continue caregiving even part-time, which is understandable given your burnout, do your homework on alternative care options for your mother-in-law, both in-home and elsewhere.... Read more
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My adult son, who's supposed to be helping me with his dad's care, is a mooch!
September 26, 2009
Having a mooch for a son. Learn how to handle an adult son who is a mooch, selfish, and negligent.... Read more
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Is it ever okay to just end your sibling relationships? We've been pushed to the brink.
September 19, 2009
Ending Sibling Relationship. Learn whether ending a sibling relationship is a good option for siblings fighting over parent care.... Read more
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I know my dad's endless rude behavior and repetition is the Alzheimer's talking, but it drives me crazy anyway.
September 12, 2009
Rude Behavior from Alzheimer's Disease: Learn how to manage the frustration of rude behavior from someone with Alzheimer's. Rude behaviors and Alzheimer's disease... Read more
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I've sadly and painfully decided it's best to end treatments for my sick wife. Now I face telling my children.
September 05, 2009
Deciding to End Treatment. Advice on coping with family reactions after making the difficult decision to end treatment.... Read more
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My sister didn't call in time for me to say goodbye to my mom, and I can't get over the hurt.
August 29, 2009
Being Too Late to Say Goodbye to dying parent. How to overcome hurt feelings from a recent death and deal with sibling inaction.... Read more
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I need a great gift for sick parents who have no material wants.
August 22, 2009
Gift for Sick Parents. Find a gift for sick parents with this list of anniversary gift ideas for sick parents. ... Read more
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My father sounds like a naughty child when he makes excuses for his sexual advances to caregivers.
August 15, 2009
What should you do when an elderly parent displays inappropriate behavior towards a caregiver?... Read more
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I have cancer and am ready to let go, but my daughter wants me to fight.
August 08, 2009
Dying from Cancer is hard for family to accept. Learn how to help family let go when dying from cancer. ... Read more
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My sister won't forgive me for breaking a promise to our dad that we'd never put him in a care facility.
August 01, 2009
Get advice on coping with nursing home decisions when a family promise never to put a parent in a care home must be broken. There are many types of care homes: rehab centers, assisted living, retirement communities, full nursing care homes, and more.... Read more
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I don't want to move in with my adult child. How do I say this without hurting her feelings?
July 25, 2009
A parent moving in with an adult child is not always the best solution. Everyone from Michelle Obama's mother, Marian Robinson, to us regular folks is asking the question, "Should I move in with my adult children?" ... Read more
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I'm afraid I've become a caregiver by default.
July 10, 2009
How a neighbor and friend can help an aging person in need without becoming a default caregiver. Being someone's caregiver is a huge responsibility, one that only gets bigger over time.... Read more
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My mother-in-law needs to have her own place, rather than live with us -- but my husband disagrees.
July 04, 2009
Find out how to deal with the stress of having your mother-in-law live with you when it causes marriage problems between you and your spouse. It's always tough when caregiving issues touch new marriages.... Read more
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My husband refuses to listen to me or follow the doctor's advice. How can I be a caregiver if he fights me at every turn?
June 27, 2009
A helpful article being both a spouse and caregiver can pose special challenges, and what to do about them. Contrary to belief, we aren’t joined at the hip, and each person must take accountability for himself—body, mind, spirit, and especially personal choices.... Read more
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I'm falling in love with my dad's home health aide, but Dad has a crush on her, too. It's really awkward.
June 15, 2009
A helpful article on dealing with the ramifications of falling in love with a parent's caregiver. Although it is not uncommon the consequences are serious and should be carefully thought through.... Read more
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My parents' caregiver veers between being unresponsive to the rest of the family or freaking out that nobody helps.
June 08, 2009
How to handle a family caregiver who seems too bossy and uninterested in help unless there's a crisis. Caregiving can turn the nicest people into control freaks. And his personality may be one in which he still needs to learn how to "play well with others" ... Read more
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Ever since my dad died, Mom reads negativity into everything and explodes at me. After she vents, she's fine.
June 01, 2009
Learn how to cope with the grief and anger of a grieving parent. Being a caregiver to a parent who's angry and grieving can be difficult and often the anger gets directed to the one doing the caregiving.... Read more
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Where does family obligation begin and end? My cultural background says "go help mom," but my life is here.
May 25, 2009
Get advice for coping with feelings of obligation, when elder parents and adult children have a culture clash over family caregiving. There really are cultural differences when it comes to caregiving.... Read more
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My husband's dementia causes him to make sexual advances toward others -- and it's turning me off from wanting to be his caregiver.
May 18, 2009
Learn practical and emotional ways to deal with inappropriate sexual behavior caused by Alzheimer's. Sexually based outbursts and behaviors aren't unusual for those with dementia, including Alzheimer's.... Read more
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I'm so angry at how Mom fawns over my brother, the superhero who swoops in, while I do the grunt work of caregiving.
May 11, 2009
Get advice on coping with anger when you're the caregiver who does the hard work and siblings get the glory. Anger can alert you to something being off, but anger is volatile and likely to burn you.... Read more
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"I do all the caregiving for my parents, while my deadbeat sister takes all their money."
May 04, 2009
I know it is frustrating and hurtful that your deadbeat sibling is taking advantage of your parents. Start by trying to understand your parents' motivations. Why is your dad so insistent on supporting your sister? ... Read more
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Mom is guilt-tripping poor Dad that he broke his "till death do us part" vows by putting her in a nursing and rehab center.
April 27, 2009
How do I stop Mom's guilt trips? Your mom can’t see the "bigger picture" right now because she’s angry and scared. She has every right to feel lost and betrayed, and she’s taking it out on your dad partly because he’s a safe target.... Read more
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Since Mom moved in, she's been trying to take over as the "woman of the house"
April 20, 2009
A helpful article for caregivers struggling with a controlling mother. Learn how to respond when mom is trying to be the "woman of the house" because that's who she's always been.... Read more
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My sister says I'll regret cutting off my father, but I think I've earned the right to protect myself.
April 13, 2009
A helpful article dealing with the topic of cutting off relationships with loved ones that can be abusive, and the feelings of regret. My sister guilt trips me, saying he's old and I'll regret cutting him off.... Read more
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I think my husband is using caregiving as an excuse to distance himself from our marriage.
April 06, 2009
A helpful article addressing caregiving and marriage problems. Learn how to tell how much is caregiving and how much is about your marriage? It's difficult to separate how much caregiving affects our marriages.... Read more
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My mom gets wildly jealous when I spend time with my husband!
March 30, 2009
A helpful article with advice for caregivers struggling with a parent that gets jealous when you spend time with your spouse. Jealousy is a normal emotion adults don't like to admit we have.... Read more
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My widowed dad lives alone and isolates himself too much.
March 23, 2009
Senior isolation: Men tend to be less social than women; they often don't need a lot of people in their lives but rely heavily on those who are. Older adults' lives don't need to be as busy as ours, and the only way to know how your dad is really doing is to be there.... Read more
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I can't convince my brother to let our mother, who's in the late stage of Alzheimer's, go peacefully.
March 16, 2009
A helpful article for families struggling to come to terms with end of life decisions. Hospice care honors the inevitability that we're all going to die and treats the end of life passage with dignity.... Read more
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My parents can't bear their new reality of not being able to live together
March 09, 2009
My siblings and I have come to the conclusion that our dad, who has Alzheimer's, needs to be placed in a memory-assisted care home. How do we help them adjust?... Read more
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My mom's in hospice and I'm already grieving -- for her and my identity as a caregiver
March 02, 2009
It's natural for a caregiver to experience grief and grieving for someone on hospice. Find out how to deal with the sorrow at Caring.com. By admitting your feelings to yourself or others, you'll probably find that you're more present with your mom. By feeling the grief, you'll also feel the connection you and your mom share.... Read more
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My sister is ruining her kids' childhoods by expecting them to care for our sick mom
February 23, 2009
Advice on how involved children should be in a grandparent's care. There's a limit to how involved a child should be when it comes to caregiving. To begin with, sit down with her and share your heart.... Read more
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The family of a recent widower is glad that he's transferred affection to me, his nurse -- but I'm not!
February 16, 2009
When someone with dementia transfers affections to a caregiver, boundaries need to be drawn. Since the wife died two months ago, the husband has transferred his feelings to me.... Read more
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I feel cornered: My siblings assume I'll look after our parents simply because I live the closest.
February 09, 2009
As unfair as it seems, most families have a “designated caregiver.” That person is often chosen by default -- because he or she happens to be more “medical,” or is working from home or retired, or, as in your case, lives the closest.... Read more
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My father wastes money on younger women who are just taking advantage of him -- then he moons like a teenager over breakups, and blames me
February 02, 2009
A helpful article on coping with a father experiencing a second adolescence and wasting money. Just like with a teenager, his behavior can be disconcerting to everyone around.... Read more
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My father killed someone in a car accident -- and I can't stop blaming myself for not having taken away his keys earlier
January 26, 2009
A helpful article on coping with the guilt when an elder parent has a tragic driving accident. Guilt can be crippling and tough to work through. Get advice on how to cope.... Read more
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My sister is tired of caregiving and wants to put our mother in a home -- but I don't.
January 19, 2009
Advice on what siblings can do when they disagree about how to care for a parent and whether the elder should live at home or in a care facility or nursing home. ... Read more
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My mother insults my father's home aides and I don't know how to get her to stop.
January 05, 2009
How should a professional caregiver in your home be treated? My mother has hired round-the-clock care to assist her, but she's very bitter and treats the aides horribly... Read more
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