Week 24: What Do We Tell Dad?
By Elizabeth Shean, Caring.com contributing editor
Tonight Dad shuffled into the kitchen for his nighttime cereal ritual. He was wearing an incontinence brief on top of his pajama bottoms. I didn't bother to say anything about this because it only would have caused him unneeded stress. And, besides, what difference does it make, really, if his brief is inside or outside of his pants?
I don't know exactly how to describe Dad's current mental state. On the one hand, he's very aware of what's going on in the moment, and he's also aware of certain things from the past. Yet he's also frequently confused by routine activities and imagines things that never happened.
We brought Dad to live with us by employing a pretext. Rather than simply telling him, "You can no longer live on your own, and Mom can't take care of you anymore," we told him it was best for him and Mom to sell the family home and move to be nearer Lee and me. He agreed. The entire time he's lived with us, he's believed Mom is beavering away back home, preparing the house for sale.
Nothing could have been further from the truth.
Mom and Dad's relationship has always been complicated. It couldn't be otherwise when you're talking about one person with a bona fide mental illness and another person with terminally low self-esteem and a paternalistic world view. To be honest, it's a miracle they never divorced. Or maybe it was a curse. Whatever, they remained together for over 55 years.
For many years, however, Mom has more-or-less despised Dad. She wanted a divorce. She never actually pursued it, though, and the reason for this probably boiled down to money.
They don't have a lot of money, and Mom rarely held down a job, so now she must rely on Dad's pension in old age. She can't afford to lose that.
Mom announced three weeks ago that she can no longer live alone because she's aging, too. She wants to sell the house to move near me. At last, Dad's dream will come true: His wife will sell their home for a small fortune, and then the two of them will happily live out the rest of their years together.
Well, not quite.
Mom is delighted to be shed of Dad. She wants nothing more to do with him. She plans to sell the family home and then reinvest the proceeds in a condominium not far from my house. She has no intention of divulging to Dad that she lives mere miles away or that he has realized a financial windfall from the home sale.
So, what do we tell Dad when this happens?
Does he need to know? As long as his financial needs are met, does the truth about the home sale matter? Would he even understand what's going on? How would it benefit him to be told his wife wants nothing to do with him?
These are some of the uncomfortable questions my siblings and I will be wrestling with when we rendezvous from three states for a powwow this weekend.
seems to me that Elizabeth is saying that the new condo will be put in both her father's and her mother's name, just like the original house was.
I'm not sure of the legal issues involved but I would not tell your father about the sale of the house. I think it would confuse him and he probably wouldn't remember or understand. As long as he continues to get cared for by people that love him then don't complicate things. My dad is still alive and crazy about my mom who is in the nursing home with Alzheimer's. I am her POA and I do not tell either of them everything that I've had to do. I make decisions that will keep them both safe, healthy and as happy as they can be. I also try to keep things as simple as can be for me and talking through all the issues with both of them would be overload for all of us. Remember, take care of yourself and your husband or you won't be able to take care of your parents. May God bless you!
My family struggles with similar issues, and my heart goes out to you. I find the greatest peace when I make decisions based on imagining that I live in a world where money doesn't mean anything. Then the decisions are very easy and obvious. You want to give your father as much comfort and joy as possible as he declines, and you want the same for your mother. It sounds like everything is more or less moving in that direction. The fact that your mother lived in what sounds like an abusive relationship for decades needs to be honored. She is processing that very real trauma. It's good that she wants to be near family. Hopefully she will find a special friend or family member who will sit with her and listen as she works through these issues. You may find that her presence is an asset in many ways. Only the people who are with your father every day can assess whether he would be able to understand, and what good it would do, to try to explain the “soap opera” aspects of his life. As we know, something about this condition often makes people obsessively suspicious about money, so if he is at a stage where "Mom is fixing up the house and trying to sell it" works, and he doesn't have enough sense of time passing to wonder why it is taking so long, then that sounds like a very good storyline to live in. From what I can tell of where your father is, conversations about finances at this point are more or less meaningless and best avoided or minimized. I strive to keep a very light attitude about money around my mother, regardless of the circumstances. Personally, I would focus on finding the activities that give your father a sense of peace or stability or joy. Easier said than done, I know, but it helps to have a point of focus, and that focus is well-being. Visiting with your mother will, with grace, be refreshing--I treasure my father's capacity for conversation much more now that I've seen my mother's capacity decline. One insight that gives me great comfort is that conversation is about words, but connection is about emotions. People with this condition do not lose their emotions--they lose the ability to express themselves in words. I focus on *connecting* with my mother--sometimes through words, but also through shared laughter or joy over the little delights that pop into our lives every day, such as the kitten chasing her tail or the yellow-breasted warbler singing in the pear tree. We share frustration and anger as well--I've found that if I can get her to feel truly heard, the frustration dissipates. My very best to you and your family. Learn to choose your battles, and realize that you don't have to do a lot of the things you think you have to do--the main focus is on the day-to-day well-being of everyone involved.
Thank you for all the thoughtful and insightful comments. Something I wasn't able to mention in the blog post, due to length constraints, is that Mom will be reinvesting the proceeds of the home sale into another dwelling -- probably a condominium. This is partly a Medicaid strategy to help avoid bankrupting Mom when it becomes necessary to put Dad into a nursing home. I do agree with those who feel that keeping these two separated is best. I love both my parents despite their flaws -- because they love me despite mine. That doesn't make it less frustrating to deal with these contentious issues, though!
Unless your mother has power of attorney for your dad, she will not be able to sell the house. If your dad designated you as his poa, then your obligation is to look after your dad's interests. That was your commitment when you accepted the designation. Half the proceeds from the sale of the house belong to your dad and should be protected in the event he needs them for his own care. If your post is suggesting you and your husband are willing to cover his future care--no matter what--it is still risky not to protect his assets. What if something were to happen to you and/or your husband? That your mother chose to stay with your husband and not dissolve the marriage was her choice. If she did so for financial reasons and your father was still in good health, she would have to share these resources. Therefore, are you comfortable seeing her benefit from your father's interest even more than "paying herself back" by living on his pension? No matter how awful her treatment, she chose an arrangement of "staying with him" not "keeping his money." If you are his poa, you do not need to tell him. He gave you the power to make decisions on his behalf. If he didn't, you should tell him even if he will forget.
Unless your mother has power of attorney for your dad, she will not be able to sell the house. If your dad designated you as his poa, then your obligation is to look after your dad's interests. That was your commitment when you accepted the designation. Half the proceeds from the sale of the house belong to your dad and should be protected in the event he needs them for his own care. If your post is suggesting you and your husband are willing to cover his future care--no matter what--it is still risky not to protect his assets. What if something were to happen to you and/or your husband? That your mother chose to stay with your husband and not dissolve the marriage was her choice. If she did so for financial reasons and your father was still in good health, she would have to share these resources. Therefore, are you comfortable seeing her benefit from your father's interest even more than "paying herself back" by living on his pension? No matter how awful her treatment, she chose an arrangement of "staying with him" not "keeping his money." If you are his poa, you do not need to tell him. He gave you the power to make decisions on his behalf. If he didn't, you should tell him even if he will forget.
I think the law says "What's his is hers". If they are still married you can't say that half the house is his. If he dies, she will inherit everything by law. Everyone thinks that because homemakers don't work, they don't contribute to the finances. Stay at home moms are worth about $40,000 a year or more. On another note, if your dad ever gets to a point where he needs to go to a home, your mom will have to pay the costs until there is no money left. Then medicare will take over.
I beleive that your mother will be unable to sell the home and keep all the proceeds especially if the home is titled in both names . You need legal advise on this immediately to protect assets the are not 100% your mothers they were married 55 years she didn't work regularly so basicly he supported the home and is entitled to at least half . Looks like Mom is really being greedy
I am so sorry for you that your Mother is behaving this way. I agree there is legal precident here where all mutual assests must be divided evenly. Someone must act on behalf of your father's investment - an attorney, legal guardian or yourself. IF your Mother cannot be reasoned with - which it sounds that is where she is - that legally action should be taken against her to save your father's investment. Dealing with the demensia in this case in a "piece of cake" in relationship to your mother's myopic and selfserving decision she has made to satify a life in which she believes she has been denied. I am living with a mother who is into moderate demensia and my father is alive and assisting in her care. If your mother wants nothing to do with her husband - your father deserves half of the house's sale value.
Are there certain legalities beyond the personal issues here?
your father does not need to know for the same reason you chose not to tell them the night time underpants were put on over his PJs, he doesn't need to know. Just leave well enough alone. I don't know what your financial situation is but your mother needs to realize that as his dementia advances the cost of care will go up and the proceeds of the home sale will be needed to help care for your father dispite how much she despises your father. When dad came to live with me and eventually an assisted living facility for dementia care we rented the home as opposed to selling it. The rental income along with his social security and some investment income were just enough to pay for his care.
My heart goes out to your family. You have a hard road ahead. It will probably do no good to tell your father. Let him remain clueless in your loving arms as long as he can away from your mother. I would keep her away from him if I could. He seems to be doing so much better away from her. Must she come to be close to you? Can't one of your other siblings take her on? Will she be willing to contribute to his care from her windfall? It is hard for me not to find her a bit selfish.