Week 5: Go Ahead -- Laugh
By Elizabeth Shean, Caring.com contributing editor
It had been a bad day.
Dad had been depressed, tired, and needy since he woke up. Lee discovered the car had a flat tire. I accidentally threw one of my favorite sweaters in the dryer and shrank it small enough to fit a Barbie doll. We were all relieved when dinner was finished and the day began to wind down.
At 6 pm, Dad decided to retire to his bedroom for awhile. In a few moments, however, he reappeared in the family room doorway. "I hate to tell you this," he said, "but, um, the toilet in my bathroom is overflowing, and there's water running all over the floor."
Lee immediately leapt into action, almost pushing Dad to the ground in his haste to survey the damage. He returned in a second to report, "The water's about to reach the hardwood. Grab some old towels quick!"
By the time I got to the bathroom, Lee had stopped the overflow and was furiously wielding a sponge mop to sop up the water. I threw down a dam of old towels onto the tile floor a mere 12 inches from the hardwood in the hallway. Crisis averted.
Still, it was quite a mess to clean up. Yet, as we stood there dealing with the watery disaster, Lee and I looked at each other and started laughing. How much more absurd could things get today?
At that moment, we discovered what so many other caregivers know: Grasp every opportunity to laugh at yourself and your situation.
One evening, feeling frazzled while trying to juggle dinner prep for Dad with homework help for my 9 year old step-granddaughter, Emma, I said to her, "By the way, what do you want to call my dad? Great-grandpa? Grandpa John? Just 'John'?"
Emma contemplated this for a moment before solemnly replying, "How about Grandpa Bubba?"
Amid the laughter that followed, it suddenly seemed less urgent that dinner be on the table precisely on schedule. What difference would five minutes make, more or less? My stress dissolved.
Even Dad retains his sense of humor about things. One day, he somehow managed to become totally wound up in his oxygen tubing, like an O2 dependent mummy. Looking at me quizzically, he said with mock urgency, "Don't just do something! Stand there." An old joke, but one that set both of us laughing as I gently unwound him.
Sometimes, a system or device will provide a source of amusement.
Dad loves to watch old, black-and-white westerns, but he's extremely hard of hearing. So Lee helpfully activated closed captioning on the TV. Recently, Dad and I were enjoying an old western movie, and as it reached a climactic point, with tensions among the bad guys running high, the ringleader angrily growled, "I won't tolerate no rogue riders."
The closed caption, however, read, "I won't tolerate no rouge riders."
Dad and I laughed so hard, we never did see how the movie ended.
A caregiver could not survive without finding the humor in the bizarre. My Mother was blessed with a great sense of humor and thus far has retained it. She is still able to laugh at her forgetfulness and her own cleaver remarks. I will miss that most as she deteriorates. My sister and I inherited the ability to find humor in almost any situation. Every day that has been a saving grace in dealing with Mother's Alzheimer's. DNico33, thank you for the "TV Ears" information.
Oh My God , YES !!! All of the time ! Of course , we "adultproofed" the house a long time ago so there is nothing that can hurt 'Mama" if she should happen to get up in the middle of the night and we don't hear her. Just last week , I was extremely tired from an exhausting day of laundry , baths , bed making , etc that goes on when you are the ... See Moreprimary caregiver. Mama had gone to bed about 7:30 and we knew she would be up again in the middle of the night. I told hubby to take the helm , I was going to bed. Somewhere around midnight , I awoke to BANG , BANG Bang , ...dammit , BANG ! I jumped out of bed to find Mama in the kitchen trying to open a refrigerator bottle of water WITH A HAMMER !! Vern came running in just the same moment from the living room . When we asked what was happening , she said 'I can't open this.' Vern took the bottle and just twisted the top , She looked on in amazement and said ," OH that was simple !" I put her back to bed after water and bathroom and retired to my room, again. The next morning I awoke to many things in the kitchen rearranged . She had been busy that night
Laughing at the situations that come up is about the only way to get through all this "stuff". My dad is now becoming aggressive, has called the police in to see if it's legal for him to be detained in a nursing home against his will (it was his will a few months ago)and is getting angrier all the time at one thing or another. I just have to remember that this is NOT my dad and he just doesn't know what he's doing. Sometimes I wish he was worse and didn't know anything, and then I kick myself, because, each month I'm seeing that this is slowly happening anyway. This is such a sad condition to see and have, but if it's any consolation, so many of my friends are watching their parents suffer with this disease too.
My husband is still at home and with a new medication I hope to be able to keep him at home. He just came in to tell me that he is going to bed before he falls out of his chair and hurst himself. Humor is the only way to cope. He reads the same book over and over, and keeps "cheat cheets" on index cards so that he knows what date and day it is.
LOL...my Barbie needs a new sweater! Just as you are going to break, it is either laugh or cry ... this too shall past! Feel your pain. My dad had "an accident" at the doctors office, no one had any alternative for him to wear for pants, I found an old pair of green 80's pants in my car, I lovingly called them the "green party pants", my poor dad had to wear them to his next doctors appointment. So I had this idea ... an adult diaper, wipe cloths and a pair of doctors scrubs in a large zip lock bag printed with "Oh crap". Anyone think it could be a new marketing idea?!
Yes, sometimes it's really hard, but to laugh at a situation really releases some of the pressure and frustration. I'm a big fan of silent film comedies and wonder if the elderly, especially those with dementia, would appreciate watching those? They wouldn't have to make sense of a plot or dialogue and could enjoy the brilliance of Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton or Harold Lloyd. My mother has no attention span so it didn't work with her, but it might work with others. It can relieve YOUR tension as well as the elderly parent.
I love your stories so much. Thank you. We must keep laughing. Even though my husband is in the process of dying, I took a singing bear over on Valentines day. She is white, with a red feather boa and sings "I want to be loved by you, just you, and nobody else but you.... boo booby doo!" while moving her head and mouth. It gave laughter and joy to everyone in skilled nursing.
Here's a tip that really helped me when I came back to live with my Alz and hard of hearing dad after my mom passed. I bought as set of "TV Ears" for him so he can turn it up as loud as he wants in his headset and the volume on the TV can be at any level you want. I could not deal with being in the house with the TV blasting away all the time. It's a lifesaver. Costco sells them pretty cheap, the battery lasts about 6-8 months, and you can buy replacement batteries on line. www.tvears.com, and no I don't get a cut of sales. :)
Hugs Nanfran
I often laugh with my father. That's been one of the best parts of him living with me. I keep telling myself to write down some of these things that happen. I'm glad you're keeping our journal!
Thank you for the reminder that laughter is the best medicine. I think we all have had days like yours.