My sister and I sat with Dad's body for quite a while after he passed away. We smoothed his hair and kissed his forehead. It bothered me that his nose hairs were sticking out, so the hospice nurse trimmed them for us. I rubbed his bad leg almost continuously, caressing it. My sister shared stories, humorous ones, about him.
Eventually the body grew cool, and we felt ready to let him go. We called the mortuary, signed papers, and then someone came to take Dad's body away. Later that afternoon, the medical supply company arrived, offered cursory condolences, and discreetly removed the bed, the Hoyer lift, the bedside commode that had never been used. My dining room stood empty. The house was quiet.
My sister had to catch a plane back home at 4:00 p.m. Lee made sure she got to the airport on time.
I wandered aimlessly around the back yard, at loose ends. No tears would come. I admired Dad's tomato plants and thought how proud he'd be of them. The first ripe tomato would be ready for picking tomorrow. How sad that he wouldn't be there to enjoy it.
After we got the call about Dad's passing, the question was: How do we tell Mom? Since my sister was at my house, it meant Mom was all alone at home. She and Dad had no friends there -- at least, none that were still alive. We couldn't break the news to her by phone.
I decided to call her pastor. He was very accommodating; he dropped everything else he had to do and drove to Mom's house to give her the news. She called me, tearful, to let me know she'd been informed. She also had other news.
"I got an offer on the house today," she said. "The third person who looked at it. They're offering full price if I pay closing costs."
A cliché came to mind: It never rains but it pours.
"That's terrific," I said, bereft of enthusiasm. "When will you know for sure?"
"I made a counter-offer today," Mom said. "I expect to hear back from the agent any time."
After I hung up, I realized I wouldn't have time to grieve. Assuming the buyer accepted Mom's counter-offer, the closing would occur within the month. That meant I'd need to make numerous trips in the coming weeks to pack Mom up, sell off belongings, and prepare her to move here, to my city. And I'd have to find her a place to live.
I wandered outside and noticed the hollyhock I planted from Dad's seed was blooming. As a biennial, the hollyhock shouldn't have bloomed this year; it should bloom next year for the first time. Yet here it was, putting forth flowers the color of lemon meringue pie.
Tears seeped from my eyes. "I miss you, Dad," I whispered, "but right now I have to focus on getting Mom squared away."
From somewhere, I heard Dad tell me everything would be all right.
It's really sad to lose some one we love especially our dad but we have nothing to do about it because that's life, everyone of us will come to that time but it feels better when we know that they pass away with a smile in their lips because we did our best to make them last long and make them happy. <a hred="http://sacredjourneyhospice.com/">Pike County Hospice</a>
Linda Sue, thank you for such an eloquent comforting comment. God bless you and all the dear ones touched by Elizabeth's experience, who share and offer support.
When my Dad was told it was time for hospice care after fighting his colon cancer for 3 years through numerous surgeries and chemos, the hospital he had gone to when he had his stroke basically put him on the street the next day. I scrambled to find him a place near to his house, in the city of Chicago, close to where Mom still was. I drove 30 miles in a Suburban (getting about 10 mpg) when gas was over $4 per gallon, everyday, to take care of her. I hadn't realized how bad her health was because she hadn't allowed anyone to even mention doctor in her presence for over 30 years. When I finally dragged her in, she was diagnosed with dementia, and I was strongly urged to not let her live alone. I soon realized the place I had put Dad in for a month "respite" care was a terrible place: $6 grand a month so they could ignore him when he needed a diaper change. He begged me to bring him his gun. I scrambled and found an assisted living place out by me, and convinced Mom she had to move into it with him, to take care of him. Then I put her house on the market. He died in January, with me holding his hand and playing his music tapes for him-he took his last breath to Gerswin's "Someone to Watch Over Me". Then I had to plan a memorial, take care of the cremation details (thankfully they had both prepaid for it years earlier) and continue to take care of Mom. Keep in mind I have 4 kids, a husband, a brother who gave/gives me no help, and 2 part-time jobs. Mom has gone downhill quite a bit, and this past Easter we moved her into the Alzheimers wing out back. More expensive, but she can't self-entertain anymore, and she now feels busy, because they always have some sort of simple activities going on. The 2 hospice agencies I dealt with were staffed by angels, for whom I will be thankful forever. And the second one sent a newsletter for a year afterwards. It was in there that I read that the best way for most of us to deal with grief is to find some sort of creative outlet. It was then that I realized that was why I had suddenly felt the urge to stay up until 2-3 am many nights, writing fictional romance novels. I now have 6 published, and am continuing to write. My grief came gradually, with whole days when I was paralyzed by it, and others when I was just too busy to feel anything. But find some sort of creative outlet: music, painting, ceramics, writing, poetry...something. It will help a lot. Good luck! Oh, and if you ever have a dream in which you are visited by your lost loved one, there is a website and a book dedicated to this phenomenon. I had a dream like that, but my Dad was talking to me on the phone, months after he died. He was reassuring me that he was alright, and didn't know where he was going, but he was enjoying the walk (he was bedridden before he died, and confided in me that in his dreams he could still ballroom dance.) My dream was a sub-level of the one where you can see and interact with the one you have lost. There is much to comfort you, if you just see what you need.
Oh, Elizabeth! How my heart continually hurts for you! When my mother-in-law passed, the hospice group notified the medical rental place to pick things up. We were waiting on calling the funeral home until one of her sons could get there to say his good-byes (he never came, it turned out..but, that's another story! lol). So, the driver calls me to get directions, as he was on his way. I asked if he could come later in the day...he said he couldn't be sure since his routes varied, depending on what calls he got from the dispatcher. I told him he could come and get everything except for the bed and he got really rude with me. Said he didn't want to have to make two trips. I told him that she was still using the bed and that it would be a couple of hours maybe before she would not need it anymore. He continued to argue with me. I finally told him that we were waiting on calling the funeral home and that I simply was not going to move her out of the bed just so he could get it. At that, he was shocked! No one had explained that she had passed. He just thought that she didn't need it anymore. He had no clue. He asked if she had passed and I said, yes, she had and is laying in the bed still. He quickly apologized and said he would come out that evening to retrieve the items, which he did and again was very apologetic. The next day, his boss called to make sure everything went alright with the pick up. I let him have it! lol Told him they should notify their drivers as to the circumstances, when they could. He also was very apologetic. It was very unreal that I had to go through that with them. Sorry, I had forgotten those details until I read your blog. I am glad you got to spend that additional time with your father after he passed. It was important for both you and your sister to be able to do that. As for the flowers, those are a sign from your dad that he is alright now...and that he loves you so much for all you had done for him!! You may see more signs from him in the next few months. I believe that once they have passed into heaven, they do watch over those that loved them and took care of them. My mother-in-law sent many signs...a rainbow that shouldn't have been there since it hadn't rained when I went to her condo the first time after she passed, all kinds of bird signs both real and not real birds (she loved watching birds!) and the most amazing one was a christian symbol (the fish one) on my wall one night as I was going up to bed with my husband. He saw it as well. From the spot where the fish's mouth would have been were bright rays of light, just shooting out from its lips! It was absolutely beautiful!! And, I was so glad that I was not the only one seeing it! Ha! We had never seen that sign before on any wall in our home, and we haven't seen it since. There was nothing in my room that would have reflected that image. Just amazing!! :)) She was a devout Christian, so there was not doubt that it was from her, at least for us! So, look for the signs from your father! They will be there and they will help ease your pain. Its his way of letting you know that he is not in pain any longer...that he is happy where he is (I, too, am a Christian so I like to believe he is in Heaven now...with God and all those that passed before him that he loved while on Earth!) and that all you did for him, he is so appreciative now. He can see what you and Lee went through in taking care of him. As for your mother moving and you helping her with that...I think this is maybe a good thing. It will help to keep you from feeling that empty feeling most care givers go through after the person they were caring for passes. The emptiness feeling is so hard on most of us. Not quite knowing what to do with their time...and so missing the person that we loved. It was many months for me to get past that. So, while you are taking care of your mother's move and all that it entails, know that you will still grieve for your father. Things will pop up and you will cry. Your mourning process won't be delayed, but, you will have other things to occupy your mind and time with. That is not a bad thing, Elizabeth. It may turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Please know that, again, I am thinking of you and your family during this difficult and sad time. You will get through this...little by little. {{{hugs}}} Ruth
So many similarities in our stories, I won't go on and on. My father passed in early July, and I've been so busy working part time, looking for full time, dealing with his financial issues....I just noticed this week how quiet the house was, how my cats seem confused that he's not in his room. Funny how the Universe sends messages if you let yourself tune in. I planted a mock orange almost ten years ago - a large shrub my grandmother - his mother, had in our yard. (We grew up in a vertical extended family, grandparents first floor, one sister on second, my dad and our family on the third.) I grew up loving the white blossoms every year. So I was very disappointed that this mock orange in honor of my grandmother failed to bloom. Until this year...this last year with my father here with me. When I first saw the buds this Spring, I was both happy and sad. Happy because my tribute shrub was finally blooming. Sad because in my heart and gut I knew there was a karmic tradeoff looming: my 'Busia' gave me flowers, but she would take her son back...soon. Your grieving will come when you are ready. It doesn't follow any timeline but your own.
jaczyns1 : thank you for "being there" not just for your mom, but for others who read your comments. I have come, in my old age (64) to learn that God does not fail us. Things happen according to his magnificent timming. Our lives, are made up of puzzle pieces floating around out "there" over the years ~ comming together as He wills, and when He wills. A puzzle piece of your life, came together while you were away and busy tending to another need of your moms, when she "crossed over" while you were away. . . . . Do not fret ~ it was all a part of God's plan. . . . . Know that you can "get with God" and ask why ~ in another time and place and with mom at your side. . . . God's blessings on you and yours ln
Such beautiful, beautiful words, Elizabeth. I'm so sorry for your loss, but what a brave woman you for sharing what many of us utter only within our heart and minds. *hugs* to you during this difficult, and busy time.
Elizabeth, I am so sorry for your loss! Your pain is so unique, I wouldn't begin to try to offer words of comfort or healing. But the God who created you,who knit you together, knows the shape of your soul. He knows the depth of your pain, and He knows the way to the deepest part of your heart. God bless both you and Lee!
I know it's cliche, but life goes on. The same week my mom died, my mother-in-law with mild dementia moved into my home. Six months later my dad died. The dementia is progressing now to where my mother-in-law cannot see much reliably, can't really carry on a conversation any longer because she can't think of the words, and needs someone here whenever we are not. I feel like I've been grieving for two years. For all three of them. When the grief comes, find a way to acknowledge it. Find a room by yourself and cry. It will come and go. Sometimes it's good to be busy. But don't feel like you don't have time to grieve. You will grieve while you are busy living your life. It's hard at first but it eventually becomes easier. Hang in there. We're all pulling for you through this tough, emotional time.
Wow, I'm kind of at a loss for words other than "when it rains, it pours!" I really thought the coming months would be your time...a time to grieve, reflect and heal. I hope that after you get your mother moved you make time for yourself. You've been through a lot and need to focus on your own needs before the stress takes it toil on you. Take care Elizabeth! Cathy
Hi Elizabeth, I have often wondered about God's timing regarding life altering events in our lives. He is moving you on to another challenge. When dad passed last year, I had just moved to Houston TX from New York, We had been there about six months; we still unpacking (a chore I hate), when mom called and told me dad was in the hospital. He had problems with pain in the groin area (new for him), they had found a kidney infection, and he was doing well. Don't come home, he is fine she said. Two days later he came home and passed away that night he passed away. I flew in the next day. My brother took his death very hard, and would not help with the planning of the services. I have never had to deal with this type of situation before! Mom and I planned the service, the announcement for the paper, and a small reception after. The day after, my husband called from New Mexico to inform me we were transferring again. We would leave Houston in six weeks. I had to go home and get things ready. I know exactly how you feel. If it's not one thing-it's another. You may not grieve right now, but you will. A month from now, a year? I have come to believe he keeps us busy for a reason. Enjoy the Hollyhock and relish that tomato. They are gifts from your father. The picture, under my name, I took on the flight home after my father's service. He loved watching both the sun rise and the sunsets in Arizona. This was a sun rise. I feel it is my gift from my dad.
Elizabeth, please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your dad. I have been following your blog failthfully (and had been increasing my prayers for both your dad and you each week). I have traveled what seems to be almost an exact replica of your journey and have experienced exactly the emotions you have been experiencing. I lost my beloved mother -- my best friend -- last February. She was 89 years old and had been in relatively good health and of sounder mind that anyone I know until she suffered a in May, 2009 . We were told she would be "fine" and would be able to walk on her own. we believed that. (THEY LIED.) She lost her ability to walk so we set up our living room as a bedroom for her; she started getting delusional and mean. We had hospice for the last 9 months of her life. (After reading all the posts on this site about how wonderful hospice is/was, I though it was only me -- but they were of NO comfort to me at any time and, like your situation, kept giving my poor, agitated mom more and more drugs to calm her down -- which DID NOT WORK) I am an only child and have pretty much been my mother's whole life since my dad died when I was in my mid 20's. We were best friends, traveling companions, and towards the end, I became her mother...This was the most difficult time in my life. I always thought my mother would be just "go to sleep" on night (don't we all wish for that!) because she has had so many "nine lives." She progressively got worse, ate less and less, and began sleeping most of the time. When I asked the hospice nurse if we were nearing the end and should I be preparing to walk with my mom on her final journey home, she kept telling me "no, my mother's vitals were good." We had a horrible Feburary -- snow, snow and MORE snow. My aide was snowed in and couldn't make it to my house, my husband couldn't get home on time in the morning (he worked nights to stay home during the day with my mother), I was missing work, my mom was getting too difficult to lift and was sleeping most of the time and was angry and beligerent the rest of the time. We were stressed to the max. We lost our electricity one Friday night and we had to take my mom to the hospice facilty, where she stayed for 5 days until the snow stopped falling (she HATED it there and told me I was a terrible daughter). All of my mom's life I have stayed with her in hospitals, in rehabs, the first night of her hospice stay...but I couldn't get out to her the other nights because of the snow. The finally brought her home the following Thursday night. She had a catheter and was sleeping. She slept all day Friday and when she woke on Saturday morning she told me she was thirsty. I gave her some water and told her that when our aid came I was going to the store to get some food in the house and that I would bring her a prize. She went back to sleep. I was not gone an hour when a friend came to find me. My mother had died and I had missed being with her by 20 minutes (my husband and our aide were with her, so she was not alone) but my pain and guilt of not being there has been unbearable. I believe if hospice had come sooner to examine her they would have known that my mother's time was near and I would never have left her (they are supposed to come to the house the night a patient returns home, but they did not come that night, they did not come the next day and they did not show up until later in the afternoon on the day she died). Everyone tells me that she didn't want me there when she died, but I don't believe that -- my mother wanted me with her ALL THE TIME and it kills me that I wasn't there with her for the most important journey of all... I know that I did all I could over the years to take care of her and love her and I know that I did what she wanted -- I kept her out of a nursing home...but I am so sad and miss her so much. I am hoping that she went so fast that she didn't even realize I wasn't there and that she isn't made at me for not being with her, but who knows... You, my friend, have had to put your grief on hold. But it will come and you will need to embrace it (because if you try to run away from it, it will find you) and anyone who has lost someone special knows that the real grieving begins, not when family and friends are gathered, but later, when everyone has gone back to their own lives... Please know, especially then, that you are not alone, and that I am only an email away if you want to "compare stories" or vent or cry. God bless you.