Week 8: A Dog for Dad
By Elizabeth Shean, Caring.com contributing editor
In a certain way, I sometimes feel what we've done to Dad is cruel: uprooting him from his home of 30 years, taking him away from his wife of 50-plus years, and moving him in with people who, to him, are essentially strangers. And yet, I feel it's not as cruel as moving him into a nursing home.
Still, I know Dad has been terribly lonely. He's cooped up in an unfamiliar house, alone, four days a week. In fact, in a rare moment of candor (Dad is not a man who usually verbalizes his feelings), he told us outright how lonely he is.
"If I had a dog or something, that would be different," Dad said as we watched an old Gene Autry movie. "The cats just disappear during the day. A dog would at least be some companionship."
Rewind to eight months prior.
Lee and I returned from a day trip to discover our faithful mutt, Tippy, in respiratory distress. We rushed him to the emergency vet, where X-rays revealed a probable tumor that had caused a massive pleural effusion. Essentially, Tippy's lungs were being crushed by excessive fluid around them.
We made the decision to say goodbye to Tippy. He was age 16.
As I set Tippy's collar on the fireplace mantel that night, I told Lee I never wanted another dog. The older I got, the harder it was to let go when the time came. Lee understood.
But now, Dad wants a dog.
So, after much discussion, the three of us agreed to get a dog. We each weighed in with our requirements. I wanted a dog that wasn't too big. Lee wanted a dog that wasn't too small. Dad wanted a dog with silky hair. I wanted a dog that didn't shed too much. In the end, none of this mattered.
Maxine, a border collie, introduced herself on a sunny Saturday while Dad and I sat on a bench at the fairgrounds, waiting for Lee to bring us tickets to the home and garden show. The animal humane van was parked at the event, and a handler was walking adoptable dogs around the area. Maxine emerged from the van and made a beeline for Dad. She sat down quietly at his feet and licked his hand.
It was kismet.
Maxine's devoted to Dad. He leashes her to his walker as he trundles up and down the sidewalk, and she calmly accompanies him. She fetches when he feels like throwing a ball. She's content to nap when he naps, which is often.
I love Maxine, but my feelings are bittersweet because I know she'll outlive my dad. And when that inevitable day comes, and we take Maxine to the vet for the final time, I'm afraid I'll feel as if I'm losing a part of my dad all over again.
I try not to think about that. For now, I focus on the joy Maxine brings to Dad's life. And I know we made the right decision – for Dad and for us.
Wow a calm border collie... it is kismet... dogs know. Charlotte I think she is saying when Maxine passes, it will be like losing he Dad again, right?!
Please note that not all alzheimer's patients and pets mix well. My step-father has alzheimer's, my mother is his primary caregiver and I am his/their part-time caregiver. My mother has always had a yorkie since I was a small child. In the past fews months, we had to decide in the best interest of her pets (2). Though my father is normally gentle with the dogs. There were moments that we feared for the pets life. Due to moments of rage. Sometimes brought on by the yorkie sleeping at his feet and him trying to get up to walk around. Other times we were not sure what brought it on but we had to make the decision in the best interest of my mothers beloved pets. It broke my mothers heart to give them up and we have explained to her, that after he passes (he's currently in stage 6, was in stage 4 last year. so it is rapidly progressing) we'll get her another little yorkie. So please note, if the alzheimer's patient has moments of rage. Please keep an eye on the animal as well!
Loved, the video for a number of reasons. My daughter raises Goldens and they are such special dogs, and Myrtle Beach is my favorite vacation spot. Thanks for sharing.
Here's a great article and video about Pet Therapy at an Adult Day Care. http://www2.scnow.com/scp/news/local/grand_strand/article/dogs_bring_joy_to_adult_day_care_centers_in_myrtle_beach/109500/
When my son moved back home a little over two years ago, his tabby cat Spaz came with him. My husband has never been comfortable around animals and was especially nervous around cats. Well, you guessed it, Spaz adopted Papa and is now his number one attendant. I monitor how Tom is doing by where Spaz spends his days. If Tom is stable, Spaz stays downstairs in my son's apartment and only comes upstairs to eat. If Tom is not doing well, Spaz stays upstairs and only goes down to use his litter box. It's sweet and a little scary, too. I've read about cats who know when someone is near death and they stay close by. So, when Spaz is in "watch" mode, I get a little anxious. He has been upstairs for several days and this time is a bit different. Where he would normally lie down close to Tom, he has been sitting on his haunches for hours on end just keeping an eye on Tom. I don't know what to make of it, but I feel at peace.
Hugs dani dewf
You know, I had completely forgotten something about my mother-in-law that is so related to this article and what everyone has been commenting on. When I moved my mother-in-law in here last year, one of the things she had to get use to is the fact that we have 2 large dogs. I have a 13 year old Golden Retriever and a 4 year old Yellow Lab. They are both the sweetest dogs I have ever been around and have never met a person they didn't love. At first, Betty (mother-n-law) found them to be somewhat of a nuisance since they seemed to always want to be wherever you are and she felt they were in the way. However, within a month, I saw the bond forming. When she was sitting down, the dogs would come to her and want to be petted. The younger dog has a wicked tail that can actually bruise at times, so, Betty had a harder time taking to her. The older dog was her favorite. :) Betty would say it was because they had so much in common -- both were older (Betty was 90 when she moved in here), both had (have for my dog) severe arthritis and a harder time getting around. So, Dreamy became her dog. When Betty would come downstairs in the morning (while she was still able to manage stairs), both dogs would be at the bottom, so anxious to see her and tails wagging madly! Betty loved that! The dogs always seemed to sense when Betty was tense, agitated or depressed (as we all know happens with Alzheimer patients) and would go to her and either sit at her feet or lay down by her. She would reach over to pet the dogs and I could see those emotions just melting away from her! I can't say Betty ever got over her annoyance of the fact that we let the dogs up on the furniture (lol!), but, she so grew to love them both. The last couple of weeks of her life, when she was bedridden, the younger dog would lay on one side of her bed while the older dog would sit right beside her and Betty would pet her and say, "There's my girl!". :) The dogs could sense that we were losing her and wanted to be by her side. The last couple of days, even though Betty was in a drug induced sleep (not a coma) for her pain and comfort, the dogs had a hard time with us making them move so that we could take care of her. So, they took to laying underneath her bed! :) After her passing, both dogs went into a mourning period of their own for a while, and yet, they were there to give us comfort, just as they had been for Betty. Animals are so amazing and really can be so loving. They brought much joy to Betty's last year of life and I am so grateful for that!!
We moved my father into an assisted living facility about 12 days ago. He has mixed dementia and was no longer safe without 24 hour care. About 2 months ago when we figured out that he would be broke within a year if we tried 24 hour care at his home, and that none of our homes were good options, I went to visit the assisted living facility we thought would be best. I confessed to the staff that although I knew he wouldn't like this move, what bothered me most was the thought of separating him from his dog. The staff asked a few questions about her and then said "why don't we try having her here?" I was in shock, but they were right to make this offer. She is a small German Shepherd - hardly an apartment dog. But she is incredibly well behaved, sweet and gentle and patient. The other residents love her. The staff let her hang out and sleep in their offices when my father is in the dining room. She really is his best friend, and I am so grateful that this particular facility could find a way to keep her in his life. My father's dog is the one factor that makes this move bearable for him as he adjusts to all these changes. So, I am glad, Elizabeth, that you are being brave enough to face the eventuality of Maxine's death and your loss in order to let your dad have her company and affection. And you get to enjoy her too. There is no love without loss.
We moved my mom to the nursing home in December. It was a difficult decision because she is mobile but very confused because of Alzheimers. We had in home help but she did not like have ladies in her space and it was stressful for her and them. Mom has always loved people so for her the nursing home is a good spot. I just came from there and although I am sad to see my mom forgetting so much I am happy that she can interact with so many people. She is giving hugs & helping others when she can. My dad is left home alone with two dogs and mom's two cats. It has been a hoot to see mom's favorite cat slowly develop a bond with dad. She jumps up on his lap & he just shakes his head. He can't believe that he is petting a cat but I know he is benefitting from the interaction and because his dogs are old I am happy that he will have the cats when they are gone. All this is to say that as caregivers we have to be very careful to find the best fit for our loved ones. The nursing home just happens to work for my mom and our family. It is a very caring, positive environment and I don't have to worry about mom wondering off or buring down the house.
Charlotte, its okay. I knew you had just read it wrong. We all do that at times! :) I am so sorry to hear of your suffering. Please know that we are all here for you, as well. :)
I am sorry Elizabeth, very sorry and I apologize profusely. I misunderstood your sentence....please forgive me. And thanks to Malarky and Journey for bringing it to my attention....I feel so good being a part of this group, even if I am thousands of miles away from all of you. We share so many of the same fears, feelings and "fraidies." I often start to cry suddenly when reading a post...they are held back tears that can break loose suddenly when reading about others' fears and problems. I can't explain it exactly, maybe it is a lack of feeling like someone might laugh at me or think I am being weak....it is not weakness....it is a letting go of the tension of trying to act totally normally. Almost impossible for me now...hubby is in early stages, but my son is also dying of lung cancer..a big heavy load just now. Charlotte, ALIG
Hugs redhatprincess
Elizabeth, God sent Maxine not just to your Dad but also to you and Lee for obvious reasons. It sounds like a perfect match for all of you. What a perfect dog Maxine seems to be for the situation. Already, she is devoted to your Dad and she seems to instinctively know what he needs from her. She provides him with the companionship that he so desperately needs (otherwise, he wouldn't have told you how lonely he was and that he wanted a dog) and she gives him a purpose in life at a time when he must be feeling there is no purpose. Although you or Lee are faced with the additional responsibilities of having a long haired dog in the house, it could be a blessing as it gives an area of interest that can be shared with your Dad. It isn't all about your caring for your Dad. It should help him recognize and remember that you and Lee are caring people and aren't just there to tell him how to run his life. Maxine will also help to bring you some peace of mind, knowing that she too is looking after your Dad. I believe she would immediately let you know if he were to be in distress. Dogs give the best companionship, are loyal, nonjudgmental and the love they extend is unrelenting. You and Lee obviously are the kind of people who are meant to have a dog in your family; otherwise, you would not have felt as you did when Tippy passed on. Having felt the same way myself after loosing a dog that I had had for 20 years, now that my husband and I have two rescued dogs I can't imagine not having them to love. When your Dad is no longer with you, the memories of the special relationship he and Maxine shared will bring you solace and joy. Plus, you will have a wonderful dog to cherish. Elizabeth, I enjoy reading your blog. I admire you for the courage it takes to write about your experiences. I laugh and cry along with you as I read. God bless you and each of us (your readers) as we travel the road of caring for loved ones who are suffering through the twisted fate of dementia. Dani
My Father was diagnosed with Dementia last March. He was alone in his home and very lonely. We finally found a dog for him and she is amazing, intuitive and the most odd dog I have ever been around. We had to finally give in a move in with Dad around Thanksgiving. We just couldn't move him out of his home and God really gave us a plan, so who am I to argue. Beanie is a 5 year old Australian/Pointer mix who just adores my Dad. She literally talks to him. When he is really agitated she will haul her long body up onto his lap in his chair. Mind you I can't get her to get on the couch with me, but she knows when he needs her hugs. My hubby and I have kitties and we moved them in with us at Dad's. He has never been a cat person and we were very apprehensive. At first he was mean to them. Quietly, sneaky kinda mean. Slowly... he has fallen in love with them. I have loved watching this transition. Also the cat, dog union has been effortless. I truly agree with pet therapy, however, in our case I know that you need to be prepared to be the caregiver for the pets as well. I actually felt sorry for Beanie until we moved in. His depression, dementia, agitation was something that would rule over his actions toward her. All this to say.... God gave us the animals for our benefit and I am so thankful.
I think it is wonderful that your father is allowed to have a dog and he was able to tell you he wanted one. A companion animal can be so important, both physically and psychologically for people - not just the elderly. I am glad you were able to see that the positive benefits outweigh the negative ones. I have 5 pets and have had pets all my life. I truly understand the hardship when one passes - it is awful but I still adopt more knowing I have 10+ wonderful years with them. What they give us is priceless and knowing what this dog is giving your father is amazing. You have to put your needs away and see what is best for your father and obviously having the dog has made a huge difference. I applaud you for being able to see this is what HE needs at this time and when the dog is old and ailing, you will have to part knowing that this dog and YOU made a huge positive difference in your father's life. When you own the dog, you can thank him for taking good care of your father by giving him a good loving home. It will be hard to say goodbye to the dog but you'll know getting it was right thing to do and the memories of your dad walking & sleeping with the dog should give you much peace.
My dog "jack" means a great deal to me, I pray the he outlives me because my life would be totally different without him. He gets me up very early for our early morning walk, if it wasn't for him I doubt I would do it. We do this several times a day... great exercise for both of us. He listens to me... doesn't give me any lip. (most of the time) Elizabeth... your fathers dog is a blessing to your father and you. He is entertaining your father... giving him love and attention and giving you some free time. (perhaps a little less stress, knowing he is happy) No matter the time frame take it for what it... is right now.
I think Elizabeth meant when Maxine is old and no longer can go on herself, then it would be time to take her to the vet, Charlotte. Not when her father passes on, but, when its Maxine's time to pass on. From everything I have read from Elizabeth in her journal, she is a very kind-hearted person and would never even think such a thing! Please reread her article and see if you don't see it in a different view the next time! Elizabeth, as hard as it will be in the future when it is Maxine's time, please know that I think you did the right thing with this!! The delight your dad must be feeling to have someone or something himself to look after has to be amazing to watch!! You have surely given him such a great gift, when he needs it the most!! Please hang in there with your father and the extremely difficult times you are having. I have read your blog since the beginning and I can feel your pain, as I took care of my mother-in-law in our home for a year before she heartbreakingly passed last October. It was a very sad thing to watch her go down those last 2 weeks, but, she had so not been herself for a very long time and it was easier knowing that her suffering was coming to an end and she was going to join those in Heaven that had passed before her and had missed so much!! This site and your blog has truly continued to help me as I learn how to live without her now. May God bless you and your family, Elizabeth, and also give you the strength and endurance, patience and understanding, as you go through this sad journey. Please know that so many people from here are praying for all of you and sending you much love!! :)
Charlotte....Elizabeth meant taking her for the last trip to the vet WHEN SHE IS DYING.
Oh , Please, please do not repay Maxine for her faithful help by taking her for a last trip to the vet. Put an ad in the paper to freely give up such a loving border collie. She could also be a therapy dog. Border collies are the most intelligent of dogs and almost anyone would be happy to take one. She deserves a peaceful end to her life on her own...just as kismet led her to you, give kismet a chance to lead her away or to stay for you. Charlotte