Week 23: The Self-Pity Edition
By Elizabeth Shean, Caring.com contributing editor
Did I mention I never had children?
I admire parents because they sacrifice so much for their kids, chasing them from event to event, dropping what they're doing at any given moment to referee a sibling dispute, shelling out countless greenbacks for uniforms and fees and swim lessons and dance recitals, and just generally giving up their own lives until the day their children fly the coop.
Don't get me wrong; I didn't choose not to be a parent. It just wasn't to be for me. So, I contented myself with stepmothering Lee's daughter and left it at that.
Being child-free offers certain advantages in life, the main one being that I've always owned my agenda. Each morning when I awoke, the day stretched before me like a familiar highway with many interesting exits. If I felt like trotting to the grocery store, I did it. If I felt like vegetating in front of the TV watching Cary Grant movies all day, I did it. If I felt like cooking, I did. Otherwise, we popped out for dinner. I was spoiled.
Keyword "was."
These days, my daily agenda belongs to Dad. If he decides to, say, clean the birdbath, I'd better drop what I'm doing and help. Otherwise, I hear, "Beth can you help me find the brush? Beth, can you bring me the hose? Beth, can you empty the birdbath? It's too heavy for me." Beth, Beth, Beth, Beth, Beth. A thousand times a day: "Be-e-eth..!"
It makes me want to scream sometimes.
And there is no negotiating. If Dad wants to clean the birdbath, it must be done now. It's impossible to say, "I'm in the middle of playing a video game, Dad. How about if I play for 15 more minutes and then we clean the birdbath?"
Because I've tried this approach, I can assure you the response will be, "No, it needs to be done right now. But you just keep doing what you're doing. I can clean the birdbath myself."
Right.
In short, my life has gone from being Beth-centric to being Dad-centric. And I'm having trouble adjusting. How pathetic is that?
I have taken to fantasizing about having a single day to call my own. A day in which I could plan an agenda and not have it derailed. A rewind to no particular day last summer when I might sleep until 9:00 a.m., make myself an egg white omelet with goat cheese, take a short drive to antiques row and spend a few hours browsing the shops for fun home décor items, then return home for a couple of martinis and salmon steaks on the grill.
My dad epitomized the parent I admire. The one who sent me to day camp and bought my Brownie uniform. The one who paid for countless guitar lessons, even though it was clear early on music wasn't my forte. The one who sacrificed his personal life until my siblings and I had flown the coop.
And now, when he needs me, I feel put out by his demands?
Am I really that shallow?
I have no children either. My mother was nervous and controlling. I felt like she didn't enjoy raising me. I also admire parents who are active with their children. My mother & I had a rocky relationship. Although we talked once a week, I felt like I couldn't do anything to her approval. After living away for 25 years, retirement brought me back 5 years ago. Mom had rheumatoid arthritis. She began falling after I moved back and a year later she was in the nursing home. Fortunately, we have a top rated nursing home. Her health deteriorated and mild dementia entered the picture. But our relationship started changing. She started telling me she loved me. At first when I made myself hug her, I felt nothing. As time passed, I started to feel something. After Christmas she became quiet and entered her own sleepy world. Her rheumatoid arthritis prevented her from feeding herself. I didn't know what to talk about, as I wasn't sure if she was comprehending what I was telling her, and she kept closing her eyes when I talked to her. So I just sat in her room, watching TV or reading, while she slept. I recently read something where a patient just wanted someone to spend time with them - to just sit with them, instead of coaxing them to do things they couldn't, or didn't want to do. It is a slow mourning process as you watch them slip away. When I had to make tough decisions, my Pastor said there were no right or wrong decisions in God's eyes. That God would make the best of whatever decision I made. Mom died six weeks ago. I spent the last two hours sitting on the side of her bed, holding her in my arms, telling her it was okay to go. I miss going to see her. But I know she is at peace now, and pain-free. I know I will see her and Dad again in heaven. Yeah, I wonder if I could have done more, if I made the right decisions, etc. But I did the best I could at the time, without losing myself. I have a wonderful husband. I have wonderful friends. I have faith in God, as my mother raised me. I am so thankful for the past 5 years we had together, to make amends in our relationship. You are not shallow thinking about yourself. You are human. Hopefully you will find a workable/comfortable balance. I admire adult children who keep their parents in their homes. I couldn't have done it and Mom said that too. I don't beat myself up about it. Like DJC said - Mom & I wouldn't have grown closer or felt the love if she had been living with me. To Patty in OH - I understand completely your needing to get away every day. Find a support group - that will help. Everyone should post the Caregiver Bill of Rights in place where you will see it every day - to remind us we are human, and that we need to take care of ourselves too. -Blessings to all of you.
Anonymous - please send me a hug with your email address. I very much want to continue this conversation.
Hugs Denis, Denis
Dear sb61, Hello, yes, it's so great of you to respond because this situation is almost a crazy making one no doubt. And yes, everything I've written is how it is here. My landlady/roommate is getting worse and now I've really tried and I believe they realize that I'm very serious in that they need to come into the picture here. Oh one thing I do want to clear up and that is about the finances. I never have and will never be part of her finances. That's one area I refuse to have anything to do with. Except I do tell her when the bills need to be paid and for how much. Like today for example, the grocery store called here and asked me to tell my landlady/roommate that she has bounced a check. Well, I asked how much and told them I would bring my landlady/roommate in so she can pay off her bounced check. So I don't write the checks or touch her monies and I don't want to either. Also, I've been insisting that they, the family, come and take control or get power of attorney so they can pay the bills around here. Because my landlady is forgetting her letters now and it's not possible to write checks without being able to write out the amount in words on the check. Plus in general she is just forgetting to pay the bills and this is not a good thing obviously. As far as her truck, well, I can't just take her truck and hide it as much as I'd like to because that's grand theft auto. So as much as she absolutely should not be driving, I'm helpless as far as any authority to take her truck or prevent her from driving. I do plan to tell her primary Doctor since her family are not really doing anything about this. They want her to drive to them several cities away even though they know she is not a safe driver because I've told them and they know I will not ride with her. As far as her guns I'm thinking of going to the police department and telling them about this situation. Again, I can't get rid of them as I was asked to by her family to do because that is theft and I'm not putting myself in that position of being called a thief or arrested for being one. I told them to do it themselves and so far they haven't. It's very hard when I have no authority whatsoever around here to have say in anything and to tell you the truth, I'm not wanting all the authority but I would like to be able to talk to her doctor. My landlady/roommate doesn't think she needs any help. She thinks she has a mild memory loss problem. She has no idea just how quickly she forgets and how many times in a day she asks the same questions etc. Finally, this week I've been asked to send them the bills and house payment statements. What I did was deliberately not be here yesterday when they came into town. They didn't tell me they were coming but my landlady told me they were. So I wanted them to deal with her so they can see with their own eyes just how bad my landlady is when it comes to trying to explain which banks she uses and for what. Also so they could see that she has no way of being able to do financial anything because she is too confused. Well, it worked. They called me later yesterday afternoon when I was back here and they said they can see now that what I've been telling them is true, that my landlady/roommate is indeed very confused and needs their help. So they're trying to get power of attorney as far as they're telling me. I don't know how them just having the house bills will accomplish that because I believe they also need some sort of legal paperwork as well. That is what I want them to do. Get legal power of attorney. Otherwise this situation has nobody in control and that's not good. They need to take control. Does this help understand this situation a little better? I also have the number to APS because if they hadn't of called me yesterday after seeing just how lost my landlady, their loved one, really is then I was going to call APS and report this situation myself. Somebody in her family needs to get power of attorney. And, they do not like the idea that I'm refusing to pay the rent. And you know something, I don't feel bad about not paying it because like you said, 'they should be paying me.' And I did tell them that if they want to hire a caregiver that it will cost them a whole lot more than what I'm getting, which is zero. They didn't like me standing my ground and not willing to be taken advantage of any longer. In answer to the question of if I want to stay here or not...well, I do but ONLY if they get power of attorney, get her license taken and get rid of the guns in here. I do want to help but I'm not superwoman and I've done the best I can up until now but things are getting worse so I'm taking it a day at a time. I don't want them to pay me but I don't want them to expect me to be the complete putz by also paying rent to take care of my landlady and that's how I feel. I hope you will reply back. Thank you for your response, I can tell that you thought about it before writing and you have feeling in your email. Not just words. That sure helps to have someone respond with emotion and thoughfulness, thank you.
Anonymous -- I was going to send you a personal message but was unable to do so. I've been doing some thinking about your situation. First I guess you have to decide if you want to stay in this situation. If you do, you must insist that one of this lady's children get power of attorney immediately! You DO NOT want to get yourself involved with this woman's finances because then her problems become your problems. Second, call around to a few care homes in your area and find out what they charge per month. That is the amount this woman's family owes you for what you are doing. You are providing a care home for this lady. Don't feel guilty about not paying rent. You don't have an income because you took care of this woman when none of her family would. You have a right to at least not pay rent. In fact, they SHOULD be paying YOU! Third, get that vehicle out of the lady's possession. Park it at a friend's house. She in no way should be behind the wheel. If she asks where it is, you can tell her the friend wrecked it and it's at the shop. Keep putting her off about it and change the subject. If she is having as much trouble as you say, she will soon forget about it. Again, you need to decide if you want to stay in this situation. If you don't feel you can do it, or if the family fails to see what a godsend you are and forces you out, when you leave you should immediately contact Adult Protective Services. This woman should not be left alone and if the family is not willing to get someone to take care of her or care for her themselves, that is considered abuse. APS will find a place for her where someone will take care of her. You also need to see if you can do something about the guns. Maybe take the bullets out and hide them or something. She is posing a danger to herself and you by running around with a loaded gun. And the fact that strange men have been appearing in the house -- that is also a safety issue for the both of you. Actually, you must be an angel to have put up with what you have put up with and still want to take care of this lady. You have to protect yourself and her. And if the family still doesn't want to listen to you, give them my phone number. I'd like to tell them a thing or two.
I'm happy to find this topic. I've never had children and now it's too late. But that's that and I don't bemoan that whatsoever. The situation I find myself in is being a renter/caretaker for my landlady/roommate who has Alzheimer's. Although she hasn't been diagnosed with Alhzeimer's, she has been put on Aricept and has all the Hallmark signs and symptoms of Alzheimer's. It's been almost 3 years that I've been taking care of my landlady but her condition has deteriorated to the point that she cannot be alone and needs almost constant supervision or help. Also I cook, remind her what day/month/year it is all day, repeat conversations/answers several times a day, remind her to change her clothes daily, remind her to feed the cats, horses, pay the bills and which ones et-cetera. In other words, everything that needs to be done as far as responsibilities I need to supervise or do. This situation is an odd one in that she is my landlady and up until this last month I've never been able to express to her family that they need to get power of attorney and help me out here. Oh yes I've spoken the words but was pretty much ignored. Well, in the past couple of weeks I've made myself loud and clear that they HAVE to do something because my landlady is forgetting how to write words which makes it hard to write checks for the bills and she's forgetting to pay all the bills and I don't want that responsibility anymore of reminding her and I especially do not want power of attorney in the financial department. And that I will not try to save the house again because that stressed me to the max and I have enough stress without fighting to keep the house that she refuses to pay one of the loans on because her son took that loan out on her house and she's stubborn refusing to pay "his" loan. Even though not paying it means she loses her house since it is collateral (sp?). I've also made clear that I won't go through the hassle of trying to get this house out of foreclosure again should it get that far as it did this past April. Oh what a hassle that was to work with the bank with no power or authority to speak in behalf of my landlady/roommate and she herself fighting me saying she doesn't need my help, never has, she's always been independent and on and on. You know or probably know how the person who has this dreaded disease or one like it are the last ones to realize, if ever, that they need help. Also, they heard the word "caretaker" from my lips several times now because I don't believe they understood until just this week just how lost their loved one really is. This week the entire family has seen a portion. I say a portion because spending one day at a family gathering cannot possibly give them the full picture of what all is entailed and just how much I do for her and just how confused my landlady/roommate is. They have no idea that she ends up with strange men from time to time and she doesn't know who they are or where they came from. She only knows they are here, at the house, and neither one of us want him here. They have no idea how many times I've gotten out of bed to find the gas stove on or how she's overdosed 2 cats so far and one of them had to be euthanized because he was so bad. They have no idea how she goes into rages and throws things around this house and slams doors, cubbards. They have no idea how many times I need to tell her where we're going when we're in the car together. They have no clue whatsoever that when the doctor gave her a stool sample kit for her to put to use for the lab that she couldn't figure out how to do that and how after the mess with the first one she called on me to help her with the second one. They have no idea what it's like to walk into the garage and find the truck running with the garage door closed and at least a couple of the cats in the garage, thankfully alive but what a fright the worst scenerio in my mind sent chills down my spine. They have no idea. They have no idea that she doesn't and cannot recognize quarters for what they are let alone know that they can be used to purchase something. Some days she knows what those shining things are, sometimes she doesn't. They have no idea that she cannot figure out that a ten dollar bill and a five dollar bill together is enough to purchase twelve dollars worth of cat food (a case). They have no idea that in less than 2 months she ran 5 red lights and I stopped riding with her and will not ride with her. She shouldn't be driving. They have no idea that she is always talking about shooting anyone who comes to the door and how many times I need to tell her she can't just go around shooting people. Although she has never shot anyone just the fact that I live with someone who is always threatening to do that is stressful especially since she does own many guns. They have no idea what it's like to follow behind her through the house because she's convinced that somebody is in the backyard late at night and she's got a loaded gun in her hand and is on her way to shoot whoever is back there and I'm right behind her calling out in a loud voice (to warn any intruder who just might be back there, so they can get away) telling her that "NOBODY'S OUT HERE SO YOU DON'T NEED TO SHOOT!" They have NO idea. This week I was asked if I've paid rent this month. I said "no" because I haven't. I further explained that I went and saw my family that I haven't seen for 16 years because I know that my landlady is getting worse and it's now or never to see my family so the neighbors kept their eye on my landlady while I spent a week seeing a long lost family of my own (Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles). My income is very little and I cannot travel 1000 miles and pay rent, it's not doable. And if there's a choice between my rent and my family...well. I gave my job up to care for my landlady/roommate. I was reprimanded that even if I go to see my family I should pay the rent. Well, first it was stated to me that if they need to get ahold of me I "should" be at their beck and call and how dare I not be here every time they call? Well, as you can imagine..because they have no idea.....I, I, well, me of all people just don't yell. Nor have I ever lost my temper "on the outside where people can hear or see it anyhow." But I lost it. I didn't really yell but I did have a few things to say. I was not yelling but firm and said something like "You cannot have a free live in caretaker who also pays rent to take care of her landlady/roommate." She interrupted me asking "So, are you going to pay rent?" I said "no." And I furthered explained that as long as they don't have power of attorney over my landlady/roomates finances and as long as this house can go into foreclosure that I will not pay rent because if she loses this house she can afford with her income to just get another place but I cannot afford to get a place nor could I afford to pay more, which a new place would cost more due to the good price of the house payment here and I couldn't afford to come up with first, last, security, pay for help in moving et-cetera and don't plan on being homeless. Am I out of line on insisting that I plan for myself in this situation? Because for sure if my landlady loses this house, I'd help her find a place and I guess I'd have to help her move although I can't lift heavy furniture but just what would the family or my landlady for that matter expect me to pay for that? Seems I'm paying to be the caretaker of my landlady/roommate. And they "expect that." I have a half a mind......well, you get the picture. I enjoy being kind but please don't take advantage of my kindness nor presume upon me, you know? And that's how it is, expecting me to not only be a free caretaker but be the faithful renter as well. Is that fair? I don't think it is and even if somebody thinks it is fair, I won't do that anymore. It's one or the other. If I'm the caretaker then don't ask me for rent but if I'm the renter then hire a caretaker. Sounds reasonable to me. I did mention today to my landlady's mother that if they had to hire someone it would cost them a lot more than what they are paying me, which is zero. They have no idea. Sorry for the lengthy post and of course I left a whole bunch out like my landlady's personality that is to be dealt with along with everything else. Oh boy, what a pickle yet I want to help. I'd love feedback on this. And to everyone else on this board, it's good to meet you and I pray your situation is getting better. Take care of yourselves for sure. If we don't I don't believe anyone else will.
Have you guys seen an indie movie called 'Carried Away'? My wife and I saw it at a festival and one of its main focuses is elder care and the family dynamics surrounding a grandmother with dementia. Its very funny and moving . . . you guys should check it out!
This thread touched me because like many of you I never was blessed with children. I took a leave from work 15 months ago to help my mom and dad. Just before Christmas we put mom in a nursing home. It was a very difficult decision but becaue of our circumstances it was the best option available. I do not feel as guilty as I once did. Keeping someone at home doesn't mean you've done the better job. My mom loves people and the home she is in is amazing. They have live music once or twice a week. She likes to dance and clap along. Daily she is involved in games, singing, stories and activities. She doesn't understand always how to play or what to do but they guide her along and she feels successful. Residents, visitors and staff constantly greet her with hugs. There is no way that in their rural country home mom would have this much attention. The very difficult part is my dad misses her. He visits 2-3 times a week. It is an hour drive one way and he is 81. He misses the way things were. He misses the wife he had for some many years but he also knows she is in a safe, happy place. In August, I will go back to work and try to get back to some of my old way of living. Caregiving is exhausting and time consuming, but also it has been a blessing spending so much time with my parents.
I too have no children (except for my husband) and have pretty much been in to "me" all of my life. My mother had middle stage Alzheimer's and is in an assisted living facility for which I am eternally grateful. We were never real close but I have to say that over the last couple of years we have become much closer and I feel much more loving toward her than I ever have. I doubt that this could have happened if she was living with us. I still find it hard, though, to split up my time between her needs and mine without feeling guilty. As I have always wondered what I was put on this earth for, I think that later in life I am finding out that it was to be able to take care of my mother, and also my husband who is not an easy person to live with but who is a very good person. It took him 2 other wives to finally find one that could handle all his idiosyncrasies. So I guess It was good that I have no children so I can be there for my mom and my husband. But, I still need my "me" time and am lucky that I am able to have it. I am just doing the best I can, and in the process seem to be making two people pretty happy, so guess I should be proud of myself for that.
One of the best parts about writing this blog is the thought-provoking comment thread that accompanies every post. Thank you all so much for your candid comments, thoughts, and support. Whether you are taking care of your parent at home or have placed them in a different living situation, you deserve credit for taking care of your parent as best you know how. Kudos to each of you!
Try having 4 teenage kids still at home, 2 part-time jobs, seeking full-time employment, and suddenly BOTH parents need 24/7 care! Believe me, as the mom of 4 with only 5 years between the oldest and youngest, I am certainly used to having no "me" time! But even for me it was frantic! Dad passed away from cancer after 4 months, and Mom has spent the past 4 years slipping further away every day into Alzheimers. What people who expect you to care for your parent at home often never think of, is that when everyone works or is in school, there is no one home to watch the parent who needs constant supervision. 3 of my kids are still in college, with the 4th graduating next year from high school. So there's no possible way I can justify staying home...plus, even if I did, Mom would have no friends her own age. I sold her house, and use that plus her savings (thank God she was frugal!) to pay for her to live in an assisted living place. She loves it there, to the point where she acts polite when I visit her, then gets antsy, wondering what activities she might be missing "out there", and encourages me to walk her out there to check, then says "goodbye". She was always a home-body, with few friends. But now she loves to "hang-out" with the others who live in the Alzheimers wing with her. So I reject anyone's opinion who thinks that I don't love my mom, or that I'm not thinking of her best interests. As long as I can still pay the bills, she will be where she feels happy and well-cared for! After that? I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Hugs sb61
Every single one of these e-mails made me cry including "whine and cheese." This is an important thread and I have to say that the caregiving system was not made for the autonomous woman who made different life choices for whatever reasons and then learned to be herself in her integral self. In doing that life she would have encountered many prejudices along the way when negotiating a coupled world which although seemingly family dedicated in all things often harbors its own prejudiced dynamics in its nuclear enclosure. Enter the one who remained single now finding herself for whatever reasons as the one expected to care for the elder parent or parents because she is available I expect. I think that there is much we do not know about why she is basically left alone doing this as the sole caretaker often but I think that on the part of others in the family who do not engage too, some prejudice and discrimination against the life of freedom she had and the obligations she did not take on in family prior to this time have her encountering behaviours on the part of others where they gladly leave her "stranded" as it were. This may include the one she is caregiving who now think of her as the servant maid after all those years she took of freedom outside the expected roles of a woman. Now, having a network of friends (not family) to maintain while she is in this position so there is someone there when this caregiving task is over necessarily raises the risks she faces in undertaking this role. She has come back in as the outlyer, as it were and now risks losing every relationship she had to form and maintain in her single years. The caregiving system is family oriented and not made for her. She does not fit. This is my starting point for understanding what all if you are saying on this thread because, whine and cheese, I am not sure that you are in a position to understand just what these women who are expressing distress have experienced in their previous lives before coming in to this relationship of caregiving. But it is immensely important to the situation she is in now. When I was teaching in a college, all of us women were expected to clean the coffee cups the male staff left in the sink daily. Year after year, nothing changed even when we stopped washing them and put the dirty cups away in a closet until there were not cups left. They just then used the disposable paper cups. They just could not get a grip on their dependent socialization. Women who were elected union stewards were expected to keep the job forever especially if they were single. We did not of course but it is the expectations I am getting at here. I appreciate the caregiver bill of rights and have seen it before but we still live most of us in a situation where we have the right to take those rights but where we are not just given them and I can tell you that were my Mom who I care for to see them she would call them so much b*******. She will not co-operate with anything that has to do with problem solving. People in the system call this" fierceley independent" whereas I see it as unrelenting "oppositional behaviour disorder of some sort". I may be sounding hard but but I think we still live in a time where caregiving in the private world is still an unrecognized space where the dangers of neglect are always there because of the unreasonable expectations of caregivers by the rest of a family in many cases and by the rest of society. I am doing my best under the cirucmstances and I know that in giving my opinion as a single person today I am not at the same time recognizing the burden of care that all persons feel in this role even if you have been married and done caregiving in one way or another all your lives and so understand it and accept the requirements with resilience and generosity, All those who say we should not feel guilty about what we are unable to do in meeting unreasonable expectations of us are right. There lies much of our personal pain. I admire each and everyone here and you are an inspiration to me and I do appreciate very much this honest talk. Thankyou whine and cheese for your dedication and all of you for what you do daily for those you are careing for. You have made it easier for me already and I have only been on this list for 4 days!!! Peace to all, workerpriest
Hugs Elizabeth Shean
I too never had children and have been overwhelmed by my recent decision to move in with my Mom who has pancreatic cancer as well as dementia or Alzheimer's. For me, I MUST, get a way almost daily or I will become depressed. Her daily repeating of thoughts, requests, 'must be done tasks', "what are we going to eat" (meaning what am I going to cook for her), is soooo hard to get used to. I get little help from my brother, so I have found that I must take charge of the situation. One local agency comes in a couple times of week for provide home health aid... its through State Aging Agency.... think all state have this. They connected me with the local agency. I have an appointment with another person this week that is gong to assess Mom's situation and make recommendations about other resources that can help us. The main thing is that I know I must take care of me first, so I can take care of her. I observed that when she would ask, sometimes demand, my time that I would do it out of guilt. Then I would feel angry when I complied. This is not good! I love the Caregiver Bill of Rights from an earlier contributor and plan to print and post that for regular review. Also plan to find a support group. Good Luck and take care!
Beth, I came across this site by accident as neither of my parents have dementia, but I do understand how life can go from being directed by your own wants and needs to that of others. My 97 y.o. mom and 91 y.o. dad are in a nursing home nearby and need me for so many things both physically and emotionally that I am over there every other day. My 71 y.o. husband has advanced pancreatic cancer. With three of them and one of me, there isn't enough caregiver to go around. Sometimes I just feel like the person in a carnival who keeps the plates spinning on top of poles, one or the other is about to crash, if I don't get there in time. Spent 8 hours with my husband at one hospital and then the evening with my mom at another 30 miles away. "Me" time is a distant dream, but soon enough, I imagine I will have lots of me time as I will lose them all and be alone. Caregiving is hard and then losing them is even harder.
THE CAREGIVER BILL OF RIGHTS -- 1. I have the right to take care of myself. This is not an act of selfishness. It will give me the ability to take better care of my loved one. 2. I have the right to seek help from others even though my loved one may object. I know the limits of my own endurance and strength. 3. I have the right to maintain parts of my own life that do not include the person I care for, just as I would if he or she were healthy. I know that I do everything that I reasonably can do for this person. I have the right to do some things just for myself. 4. I have the right to get angry, be depressed, and express difficult feelings once in awhile. 5. I have the right to reject any attempt by my loved one to make me do things out of guilt or anger. (It doesn't matter if loved ones know they are doing it or not.) 6. I have the right to get consideration, affection, forgiveness, and acceptance for what I do for my loved one, as I offer these in return. 7. I have the right to take pride in what I'm doing and the right to applaud the courage it has taken to meet the needs of my loved one. 8. I have the right to protect my individuality. I also have the right to a life that will sustain me in times when my loved one no longer needs my full-time help.
Hugs Lisa B, light heart
PLEASE stop beating yourself up! You are not shallow or selfish. You are human. I, too, never had children. My step-kids were grown when I married their dad. Now I tell people I have a 78-year-old child. Caregiving for someone with dementia is like caring for a child. I don't have any experience at raising childen so I feel like I'm having a harder time adjusting. It seems every spare moment in my life is taken up by her and it is frustrating! I feel stretched already and then she has more things she wants me to do for her. Me and hubby both! Don't know how we'll fit it all in. Make sure you get some "me" time during the day, resign yourself to the fact that you have to give up some things to look after your "dependent" and realize that you are not alone. You are allowed to get frustrated and angry sometimes. If you didn't you wouldn't be human. Get off the guilt trip and do the best you can. That's what we all are doing. The best we can.
Hugs Elizabeth Shean
My life is mom-centric and like you, I never had children. I, too, sometimes become exasperated by and exhausted with care-taking, though fortunately I have a sister to help me. Mom definitely lives in the "right now." The difference between children and elders is that kids are always evolving toward increased independence while elders become increasingly dependent. I remind myself as often as I can that mine is now a life of service and mindfulness, a difficult and loving road.
Hugs Elizabeth Shean
I anxiously await this blog and read it every Friday. This one made me cry, because I feel that adults today don't want to become dad-ccentric or mom-ccentric. They don't even give it a chance. Parents are put in nursing homes too quickly. Don't get me wrong - some cases can be avoided and even I might still have to put dad in a nursing home when his Alzheimer's get too much for me to handle, but I can just imagine how guilty I would feel if I didn't even try to take care of him. So far, 8 yrs. in my duty as dad-ccentric, things are manageable. Thank God and his angels!