It's 4:15 on Sunday afternoon, and I'm feeling snappish. Very snappish.
Whereas he usually takes frequent naps, today Dad has been wide awake all day. And talkative. Very talkative. He has detailed his marital dissatisfaction in detail at least three times. We have attempted to phone my sister about seven times, but she isn't answering. We had to call seven times because Dad “didn't want to forget.” He has asked me, at least once an hour, if I have to go to work tomorrow. (I don't.)
In a nutshell, I am overstimulated. And, I admit it: I'm feeling irritable.
Yet I realize it's all part of the whole settling-in process. I mean, Lee and I are two middle-aged adults who are used to living alone. Sometimes we talk. A lot of the time, we don't. We sit quietly and watch TV or surf the web on our laptops. In fact, right before Dad moved in, I told Lee the thing I would miss the most was our quiet existence.
I knew there would be a period of adjustment. So far, it's going pretty well. Lee and I have made significant lifestyle changes in order to accommodate Dad. Some of them are small things. For instance, we never used to eat at the kitchen table, like we do now. Instead, we sat in our recliners and dined in front of the TV. Unhealthy, maybe. But it was our habit.
We also used to be more cavalier about meal planning. I tried to plan a week's worth of dinners – and usually pulled off half of them. The rest of the time, we'd eat out. That's not practical with Dad. Worse, I don't get off work until at least 5:00pm, and Dad was used to eating dinner at 4:30. That means Lee – the man who can barely boil water – has been pressed into service as short-order cook, since he gets home at 4:30. (And he's doing an admirable job, by the way.)
Of course, we're not the only ones who have to adjust. The biggest adjustments have been on Dad's part. Leaving his home of 30 years and moving into a house he had never seen, without his wife, has been hard on him. Yet he seems to be doing a better job of adapting than I have. He told me just today (in one of his loquacious moments) how thrilled he is to be living with Lee and me.
And he told me just now how much he enjoyed today – because “it's so nice to have someone to talk to.”
So, yes, my heart melted, and my snappishness – well I can't say it evaporated. But at least I was reminded again why we're doing this, and how much I love my Dad.
Even when he asks me, for the 13th time, whether I have to work tomorrow.
I was absolutely snappish and then felt depressed. Later I held her in my arms and said everything is going to be OK. It was just one more time when she had become paranoid about money and had plans to bleed me to death I just bottom out when she does that and feel depressed and despondent and want to run away. But of course...not enough money to go anywhere. Later all was OK again. You've pulled me back from the brink with athis word "snapposh" because these responses do happen so fast too. We can't buy time to think about what we are going to say in the face of the most absurd unreasonableness often if it is coming as an attack on us. Thanks to all of you, workerpriest
Hi Linda, I can sure relate to your husband's angry responses. Mine does the same, and he used to also, once in awhile. Now, I know that it is often because he is scared to death of what the future holds for him. He has seen people in advanced stages of Alzheimer's and knows what is in store. He is still able to comprehend that. He loses his temper when he has forgotten something, swears I hid it, or our friend who lives with us.Says he has had it with me and is leaving. He even goes upstairs probably to get a suitcase, but then he comes down after a few minutes. He hurts my feelings when I give him his eye drops and says I am worrying him to death with stuff and I should go away. I , too, must respond with hostility at times, but then I try to understand...and prepare myself for even worse later....my heart goes out to all of us....caregivers and sufferers alike. Sometimes, I feel that I would not want to live any longer if I had this insidious thief in my brain...and that is scary too. I would like to be able to share more comforting thoughts with my hubby, but he never was one to get into deep thoughts like the ones we would need to discuss about his dementia...so sad, not to be able to comfort him more.........Charlotte, ALIG...that is American living in Germany.
If there is a caregiver out there who has never displayed "snappishness," I want to meet him or her! They must be a super human or a spiritual giant. I find that one of the most difficult adjustments has been that I no longer feel at home in my home. It's all about my husband and what he needs. And I no longer have my best friend and lover, he has become an adult child who must be cared for 24/7. One thing I did for me was to create a "sanctuary" in my bedroom, I have made it as nice as possible so that I can retreat to my little quiet nook and recharge my battery. It has helped me a lot. We do what we can!
Hi STACYANDCP, - .....I am SO SORRY for you and your mother. What a terrible ordeal to have to go through - and then you are left, once again, to pick up the pieces. I feel like crying just thinking about it... --- One thing that might help - if only a little - is that if you still have her old broken denture, it may be possible to repair it. My mother got in the habit of throwing hers across the room while she slept and she too, broke them. (Now she's no longer allowed to sleep with them.) --- The denture can be repaired. There is a process called "re-llning" where they redo the part that clings to the roof of the mouth. They do it regularly for FIT, as well as for damage. But this process can be used to re-join two broken halves. --- If a "tooth" on the denture is chipped or broken, that is also relatively easy to fix. The best place to have it done is either at a local dental school, where they may do it for a very reduced price, or, of course, through "denti-caid" which covers this sort of thing for low-income people. --- Frankly, I'd demand that the home she was in reimburse you for the cost, as a denture is a medical/dental appliance and they should be held responsible for its safety while she was in their charge. --- As far as the pills are concerned, probably best to get her to a doctor as soon as possible... In the MEANTIME, go online and lookup "visual identification of pills." That should take you to a site where you can ID each med by starting with information like the shape or color of the pill. --- Don't forget to contact the place where she was living and demand all her records - and at the very least, spring for a phone call to the Florida Agency which regulates the kind of care home she was in. --- My thoughts are with you. I understand your dilemma - "just when we thought it couldn't possibly get any worse..." it DOES. --- ALWAYS, Galowa --- ©suzannemcable.2010
I was here almost 5 months ago and so much has changed. I thought I was respecting my Mom's final years, and made the choise to help her go back to Fl. in Sept 09. She was in an asisted living private house facility and I have no clue what happened. I was told she fell but no one knew how or even where. They said Mom didn't know cause she didn't remember. She had stitches in her fore-head and they discovered 3 weeks later that her right arm was broken. They hospitilized her for that and repeating herself all the time. They said they were not used to that??? Been in that business for 16 years?? When I would talk on phone to her after that, she just mumbled and chanted. I had no way to get to her at that time. That was Nov. Dec.31, I called to be told they had put her back in hospital to be evaluated because they could not deal with her repeating things again. This time she was referred and taken to a skilled nursing rehab; they said they could not have her there either.They kept her 20 days and I finally was able to go get her. I had no idea that she no longer could stand up,feed herself,walk,use the bathroom, or have a conversation. Excuse the expression, but, "WHAT THE HELL?" After traveling with having to stop and rest her, I made it back to NC with her a week later. I now have to get her back into this states system and start all over with doctors before I can get any help or direction. Please keep us in your prayers. That is all we have and I depend on. Honestly I am not doing well with it. I only 'thought' before that she controlled me..in the beginning of learning..the entire picture is so sad but magnified 100%. I feel so bad for her mental wars inside, but I don't deal well with them all the time.The changing diapers and lifting her are the easy part. That is physical. It is the mind part that I fail terribly at. She mostly calls me her Mom, Dad, or husband..all deceased and conversates with them alot. They also sent alot of meds with her but no care instruction. Just basically wanted rid of her. Alot of the drugs seem tranquilizing to me, but kind of wack her out and make her worse. Her dentures also were broken while in Fl, so all food has to be soft, which she fights eating. Any thing sound familiar to anyone..or advice?
I'm is sit. with a husband with ALS and pancreatic cancer (inop) and now that he is off the rad. and chemo he is feeling better. there is always something for me (mostly) aand our daughter to do. We are takling big!!! I get so mad sometimes but when I find him on the floor calling for "Momma" it just breaks my heart and my back. He just won't listen and there is dementia involves with ALS. These 2 together aare the worst...pleeease try to staaay patient...he's calling...
Have you considered Adult Day Care? There are two types. A social model and a medical model. Most Adult Day Care facilities are staffed with a nurse, social worker and Certified Nursing Aides. They have activities for their clients with Dementia and/or Alzheimers. It would be beneficial for caregiver relief/respite and would give your Dad some socialization with people his own age. Even if he went to Adult Day Care a couple of days a week, it may help you both. Is your Dad a veteran? If so, you may want to contact your local Department of Veterans Services. There is a program call VA Aide and Attendence Program that will help pay for a Veterans care. The staff at your local Veterans Services office can help with the application process and advise you of what your Dad may qualify for. God Bless you, Elizabeth for this blog and most of all for caring for your Dad.
Hi! I have recently read the book: Learning to Speak Alzheimer's" by Joanne Koenig Coste. It's a pretty fast read and the "Five Tenets Of Habilitation" within the book are very straight forward and helpful for any memory-related illness. Caregivers will find this extremely helpful in understanding how to help your loved-one still feel a vital part of life -yours and those around him/her. I feel I can talk to my mom now and be less "snappish" (most of the time)She too has Dementia but after having read the book I feel she most likely has Alzheimers. otherwise, distraction techniques have merit too. Offering her a cup of tea works for us too.
Nice to see all of you, the "new" and the familiar! Through heartfelt tears I send all of you big hugs and prayers! Thank you all, my extended caregiving family!!! Knowing you can ALL relate is truly God's blessing! As some of you know, until a year ago Nov, I cared for both my parents in their home. In the beginning it was not too difficult. As time went on the demands increased and I left my job to give care full time. Last Sept Mom, who has Alz. got up from her chair while my back was turned, fell and broke her hip. Her cries of "help me" were gut wrenching. She has been bedridden since surgery. Full care. She has been on hospice since last June. God isn't ready for her. I promised her, at her request 15 years ago, no nursing home. By God's grace and with His strength, I'm keeping my word. Piece of cake, right? You all know better! I can relate to "snappish" only too well. I know it is the disease and not her. Sincere thanks to All of you for your care to those who need you! Our journey is not an easy one. Doing what we do, we do better than "strangers" for those we know and love, until "their" journey ends. God bless and keep you All.Once again, thank you for sharing. You give me support, too, my Angels! :-)
I hate that I was snappish with my Mom, she lived with me & my husband not quite a year and suffered a stroke. I really miss having her at home now, and all the accommodations that I thought were such a nuisance I can see now that they weren't; that it was me that needed to change. She's just old and used to a routine and dependent on me.
Beth, your style and wit are so admirable. Knowing you through all of this and knowing how you have just dealt with issues with humor and love, you rock girl. I wish I had this and you when I was dealing with Dad - but know that what you are doing in caring for Dad and your Mom is invaluable! You and Lee are special people. I will stay posted for more of your "adventure".
Ii am new here, but oh it felt so good to see other normal humans feeling like I do at times, and handling it so well...I was a bit surprised to hear how similar the behaviors of so many men were to those of my hubby, snappish, insulting, totally uncaring, even hostile and daring...I know in my heart he does not mean it really, but we have a lady friend who lives with us, no she is an Angel set from above as she is a huge help to me...I am 90% disabled, she does not understand how he can treat me so...His behavior is not just hurtful, it is embarassing...Charlotte
LindaL, my heart goes out to you. I felt the same way when reading Galowa's situation. Even if they want to be cooperative and no trouble it is emotionally exhausting. When they are combative and mouthy, it tests our limits. Thank you for asking about my mom. She is, overall, good. No meds, she's mobile, small (so physically managable). She seems to be getting visably more frail and, of course, I want to make sure I am doing all possible to combat that. I give her vitamin supplements daily. Two are for memory: Vinpocetine and Huperzine. Both are natural and, believe it or not, we can tell a difference if she doesn't take them. I have learned she needs to take them in the morning (vs. lunch time) for effectiveness. I celebrate lucid times and realize it could be for a long period of time (hours) or shorter spans. Whichever it is, I'm glad to have them. My husband and I are taking a much needed vacation ~ leaving this saturday for a week. My sweet brother is coming (again) to take care of my mom (Bobbie). I just don't know what I would do without him. As for your question about how to handle your husband with grace, I guess I would have to encourage you to use empathy. What would it be like to go from the man he was to the confused state he must find himself in these days? Frank discussions might also help. Were there times in your relationship when you could bear your souls about your feelings? Have you openly discussed his memory loss with him? Are you scared? Is he scared? If you can try to get on the same side instead of pulling at opposite ends of the rope, it might be helpful. I'm no pro, just trying to cover all angles of approach. If he is in the early stages of Alsheimer's, you might google and read about the different stages they go through. I understand they do through a 'mean' stage (among others)so maybe that is what you are facing now. Honestly, if I didn't turn to the comfort of prayer, i'm certaiin it would be more difficult. That, and doing some 'Darlene' (my name) things. It could be sitting down for a few minutes in front of the TV, getting a massage, running to the grocery store ALONE, even turning on my favorite music while working around the house. If I neglect me and something happens, it would cause a major upset. I don't want to even think about that. Good luck and God bless you in your journey. Remember, this is a good support 'family' going down the same (or similar) path.
'Snappy' is a good word. My husband who is suffering from moderate memory loss calls it 'sarcastic', which I must admit I do. I try really hard not to be snapppy / sarcastic and would appreciate hints on how to swallow my tongue and keep a civil tone. Sometimes I am so busy swallowing that I don't respond which makes matters worse. I am then 'ignoring' him, and if I'm that unhappy in the marriage I should pack my bag and get out. This comment is accompanied by a lot of foul language. My heart goes out to your Mother. How is she doing? One of my fears is being in a similar place myself one day. My husband has the same paranoia about my 'behavior'.
Thank you for your insight and touching good humor. I'm findin g a lot that's useful in your blog, and in everyone's comments.
Well, I have to chime in because I can so relate to answering the same questions over and over and over. As kind, sweet and easy as my 92 year old mom with dimentia is, I find myself exhausted! I feel so bad for her. She looks so lost and is trying to grab at memories lost somewhere in her mind. I really don't ever want to be in that position. The good news is I don't find myself feeling snappish (I love that word, too! :-)very often but must admit I have found myself having to stop and take a deep breath on occasion. I just hope she never detects one iota of it. She doesn't deserve that on top of everything else. I appreciate the ability to peek into your lives. I call you my support family. It reminds me that there are a whole lot of us facing the same monumental tasks. Thanks!
Galowa....wow!!! Your suggestion is excellent!! I didn't realize that Meals on Wheels delivered to people who actually lived with family, etc. that could take care of them! You need to get this suggestion out there on this site!! With so many issues one deals with when you are taking care of your loved ones with whatever diseases they have, this is such an excellent solution to what can be a big issue for so many!! I wish I had known of this when my mother-in-law was still alive. She so had to be fed dinner at 6:00 PM. My husband and I have always been "late" dinner people due to our different schedules and making dinner early so that she was satisfied was so hard on me. Also, the lunches!! Whew!! How many times did I just not feel like eating and would just grab a microwaveable meal for her. I felt guilty about it when I did it, yet, you know how you get? You don't want to eat and therefore, you don't want to make a meal for someone, either. It becomes a burden and you already have so many other issues you are dealing with in connection to your loved one. Thank you, thank you for telling us of this!! I will remember to tell anyone I know that ends up in a similar situation about this!! Maybe you should start a post about it?? I am truly serious about how great of an answer to this problem you have provided! I can only imagine how people that are still in this situation will feel if they find this out!! Again, thank you for posting that here!!
Hello Elizabeth, As you can tell from the other comments, you may be unique in your particular circumstances, but in ONE regard you are anything BUT unique, and that is in your relationship with ALZHEIMER'S... I have advice which should significantly reduce the stress on your husband. Sign your father up for MEALS ON WHEELS. The food is quite good, (my mother RAVES about it NIGHTLY...) The meals are nutritionally balanced, pre-made, pre-packaged and frozen, and microwavable... Like yours, my husband feeds my mother her dinner, and the food-prep was killing him. Now, he sets my mother up at the dining room table (with ALL the lights on,) gives her the paper or a magazine, and pours her a cup of hot tea (we pre-make the tea, by the gallon.) This allows him to "nuke" the dinner, chatting with my mother as he goes back and forth setting her place at the table. When the food is cooked, he transfers it from the plastic tray to a real plate, adds fruit and some fresh greens, and INSTANT MEAL! (No more made to order...) The meals are inexpensive, (free if you cannot afford to pay,) and participation in this federal program does NOT require a "means test." IF you are financially comfortable you can pay more than"cost," to help subsidize those who cannot pay anything. The meals are DELIVERED to our house by volunteers. We have ours brought WEEKLY, though you can arrange it daily if you wish. The meals can be delivered and left in a cooler (if you cannot be there to receive delivery.) You may order as many meals per week as you wish. They prepare lunches and dinners for seven days per week. As you discover which dinners your father likes least, you can customize your order to exclude those. Where we live, the "week's supply" includes: the meals we've ordered, one quart of low-fat milk, a fresh fruit (or two) for each day, small sides of salad for each meal (cole slaw, carrot-raisin salad, macaroni salad, potato salad, or pickled cabbage,) a half dozen FRESH bagels, small "school-sized" juices, and a variety of snacks. Some of these are "extras" put together by our local MOW staff, I *think.* Either way, the meals ALONE are worth it. They "bill" monthly, with a "suggested donation" based on the number of meals you've ordered. This program has been a TRUE support for us. Hope this helps! Galowa : ) ©suzannemcable.2010
for some reason i tend to be snappish with my husband when frustrated with caring for my in-laws. they moved in with us 2 months ago. the honeymoon is over for us too! dad is 86 and has congestive heart failure. mom is 76 and has alzheithmers (i still can't spell it!). i don't know what i would do without dad! looking forward to reading more about other's stories.....
Elizabeth I hear you completely. You have pretty much summed up my existence as well. My Mom came to live with us in November and I feel as if hubby and I have no life whatsoever. Had Mom in a day care program 3 days a week which was heaven for me but lately she claims she is too sick to go and spends all day in bed (except to get up to eat)! I, too have had to change our eating schedules and haven't been out to eat alone with hubby since Christmas when my daughter was visiting from S. Carolina. I know it's going to get more difficult and feel like I'm not up to the challenge. Keep praying to win the lottery so can put Mom in a care facility!
Elizabeth, fasten your seat belt because there is more to come. Sorry I had to put it blunt like that but it’s the truth. Be grateful that you have someone to assist you during this season of transition. Try your best to remember that it’s not the person but rather the sickness. Find strength in God and also your Caring.com family is here and understands what you are enduring. Stay encouraged!
Elizabeth, although my mother-in-law passed away 3 months ago with Alzheimer's and I am no longer a caregiver, I almost eagerly await your next entry each week now. It so reminds me of when my mother-in-law moved in with us and the adjustments you have to make as a family. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I think this log of yours will help so many people who are going through similar situations! I only wish that I had had similar when I was first going through all the adjustments. You are doing a great job with this post!! Thank you!
I can completly relate, I am always snappish anymore. I work full time, in a doctors office where people coomplain all day....Then come home to grandma with dementia, disabled husband (who is home with gma all day), Autistic 13 yr old boy, and cra 15 yr old girl. I am snappish 24-7 anymore. I am 34 and feel like crying. This is not what I though life would be. Thanks for the blog
Elizabeth, I am immensely enjoying your blog....Don't know how you have the time. I am a full time caregiver for my Dad, along with my mother (yes, it takes the two of us!). I am "snappish" EVERY DAY. :( Just can't help it!
Elizabeth...love what you wrote. My father moved in about a year and a half ago (about a year after Mom died). Life is different in some good and some inconvenient ways. But I don't think I would trade it!
I am still finding it hard to believe, but I am in Day 2 of a very similar situation! It has happened so quickly. Mom and Dad, both 83, lived four hours north of us in a second-story apartment. Dad has dementia, very much like your Dad, Elizabeth. Mom has been the primary care-giver. Then, last Monday Mom had a bad fall on the ice and broke her right leg and left arm. Very bad breaks both, and both requiring extensive surgeries. It has been a whirlwind of activities, culminating yesterday in bringing Mom to an acute care rehab center close to us and Dad into our house. Dad now resides downstairs in what was the master bedroom. My wife and I are upstairs in a guest bedroom. We moved all the furniture around prior to his arrival. Dad is also getting chemo treatments for lung cancer and has 50% air blockage in his throat due to a different cancer that is under control. The dementia part is the most difficult to deal with, by far. I will be monitoring your story, seeking some comfort here and there.
Elizabeth, I'm in love with the word "snappishness". I believe I was snappish with my mom today.