Week 22: Dad Is Bad for My Waistline
By Elizabeth Shean, Caring.com contributing editor
Things have been a bit heavy lately. Let's lighten up.
At least, that's been my recent dietary motto: Lighten up. I've gained eight pounds since Dad came to live with us. Why? Let me count the ways.
1.Stress. Despite being a nurse, I'm as prone to stress eating as anyone else. It's easier to self-medicate with food than with any other substance. Food provides comfort. Mashed potatoes provide the most comfort, in my opinion. Well, and chocolate.
2.Cultural gulf. I am a Midwesterner born and bred. So is Dad. The difference is that I outgrew the classic Midwestern diet ages ago. Dad did not. I grew up eating meat and potatoes, but I evolved into eating salads and chicken. Dad still is a meat-and-potatoes guy. Consequently, to make him feel at home, I've been cooking a lot more meat and potatoes. The baked-with-sour-cream doesn't look good on my thighs.
3.Lack of formal exercise. In my guest room is a gleaming, thousand-dollar machine that's gathering dust. It's a rowing machine. Before Dad came to live with us, I used it regularly. It has proven to be one of my best investments. However, since Dad's been living here, I haven't found time to actually use it. This is not a lame excuse. My days frequently begin before 6:00 a.m. and go past 10:00 p.m. I'm a committed exerciser, but my current schedule simply doesn't allow it.
4.Snacks. Dad has a sweet tooth. From cookies to ice cream, Dad loves sugar. Personally, I'm a devotee of the low-starch diet. But who doesn't want to share ice cream sundaes with Dad? When he's in his final days of lucidity? On a hot Sunday afternoon? Or when there's baseball on? Or for any other reason? Let's face it: Hot fudge sundaes are good. I may be committed to good nutrition, but I'm not a saint!
So, what to do?
Well, I work for a plastic surgeon, so liposuction is an option.
Before I do that, however, I think I'll try to get my diet under control. Not only will I lose the pounds but, more importantly, I'll be healthier.
I realized that I can continue my old, healthy, pre-Dad diet while still cooking him the things he likes to eat. And that's what I've been doing. For the past couple of weeks, when Dad has a baked potato with his London broil, I've had a salad. And when Dad has suggested we share hot fudge sundaes, I've made one for him while I've enjoyed chocolate mousse yogurt instead.
To my surprise, it's really not that much work to create meals that work for both Dad and me. It's easy to substitute veggies for starches. I feel better and have more energy, while Dad feels comfortable knowing his own food preferences are being met. It's a real win-win.
It's great to know I'm not alone! Thanks to everyone for reading and for the kind words. I have learned it is possible, but by no means easy, to maintain my eating habits by cooking a single meat (let's say a pork roast) and then adding what each individual likes as a side dish. So, dad will have mashed potatoes, Lee will have broccoli, and I'll have salad. Having said that, let me add it's easier said than done. It's time for me to go to bed, yet I have no meal plan for dinner tomorrow. And Olympia_gal, with all due respect, those people criticizing you need to spend 24 hours at your side. I'm sure you are doing a great job taking care of your mother; it's sad that self-care so often falls by the wayside for caregivers!
I've enjoyed reading this blog since a friend forwarded the link to me several months ago, when I began looking after my mother, who has dementia. But this time I could have written this post myself, except I'd substitute five pounds for your eight (I've only lived with Mom since January) and macaroni and cheese for my comfort food! I had to go shopping for new shorts and jeans for the summer because my old pairs won't zip up anymore. The toughest thing however has been the judgmental remarks from my friends and daughters, who think I'm just making up excuses for not exercising or dieting. "Why don't you get up earlier and go for a walk?" "I noticed at dinner you didn't hesitate to order dessert!" "You could quit drinking/eating sweets/watching TV/making excuses for your behavior!" It shows how little people who aren't caretakers understand the daily stress and frustration one goes through. Before I moved in with Mom, I used to run a mile a day, work out at a gym, and eat a vegetarian diet. Now I'm lucky to get in a 15-minute walk, and with Mom's fussy tastes, forget about the balsamic vinegar salad dressings and spicy tofu dishes. I used to think that "once things settle down," I'll be able to return to my routine. But I've discovered that things never really settle when your loved one has dementia, and as long as Mom's condition progresses, there is no routine. The only thing predictable for me now is the taste of homemade mac and cheese, which is soooo good after 20 hours with Mom.
Same 8 lbs here, ever since Dad went into the hospital for surgery and i was so stressed out I kept bopping down to the hospital cafeteria for an ice cream sandwich. He never healed from surgery, I'm partial caregiver, and now two years-plus later I'm trying to break the habit of relieving stress with sweets. Nothing works as well, though!
I could have written your story, right down to the mashed potatoes and ice cream. I just got notice from the VA that he has a spot, so we will be taking him there June 28. I hope his situation is better than Jeffsafe's: while he may be confused, I hope he doesn't feel 'dumped' and abandoned, nor act out. He's doing okay on Lorazepam for anxiety in the am and pm....I don't want him drugged out. But I don't think this facility does that. I just want him to enjoy himself with others around, and things to do, and the safety factor of doctors there 24/7. Once he goes, my monthly food bill for two ($500+) will shrink back to half that, and I can start back with some exercise and better food management. It's too easy to pour a glass of wine (or 2) for myself while giving Dad his glass of Mogen David cut with grape juice. (Jesus and the doctors said it was okay ;-))!
man, can I relate to that. Dad came to live with me in January of 2008 and I didn't want to measure how much weight I gained. I stopped stepping on the scale. My dad was already in stage VI I believe and he lived with me for a 1 1/2 years. I had to move him into a full time dementia facility in April of 2009. Although the stress was less it was still there as I had other issues to deal with. Medication monitoring along with other heath issues. He fell twice while living there and end up in the hospital on one occasion for a week or so. The first fall was when he was there for only a week. He really started acting out almost immediately once he entered care and they and his doctor recommended medication which made him unstable. He went down hill fairly quickly after that and passed in September of 2009. Its been nine months and I am only now starting to take better care of myself. Getting back to eating right and regular exercise. Its said you have to take care of yourself because your no good to the person you're caring for if you end up sick yourself. But as is usually the case easier said than done.
Dear Elizabeth. I so look forward to your blog. I appreciate the smiles, laughter, thought and even the tears it bring. Please, keep up the good work. Chris
Hugs Elizabeth Shean