Last week I wrote about universal design, a set of architectural and design principles that can make aging in place safer and more comfortable for seniors.
But first comes the tricky part -- getting your parents to sign on. It may seem like a no-brainer -- if they want to remain in their own homes as long as possible, why not make some simple changes that will up the likelihood of making that wish a reality?
But for many parents (mine included) a wall comes down when you start talking about making any kind of change to the status quo -- especially changes that have to do with accommodating the realities of getting older.
"Having a conversation about changing needs is harder than a conversation about death," says Elinor Ginzler, Senior Vice-President for Livable Communities at the AARP, citing focus group findings indicating that seniors would rather plan their own funeral than plan for when they can't make it up the stairs.
Talking about a topic like universal design, she points out, is "asking them to look forward, and recognize that they may not be as high-functioning as they are now."
It's not easy, but Ginzler, the co-author of Caring for Your Parents: The Complete Family Guide, offers some gentle approaches for introducing universal design concepts to seniors without triggering fears and defenses. Here's one to start with:
"Dad, I need your help." Parents have an ingrained instinct to respond to this plea. So instead of framing changes to their home as "for their own good," ask them to do it for you. Ginzler suggests this sample script:
"Dad, I know you can take care of yourself -- you've proven it throughout your life -- but you know me, I'm a worrier, and I need your help. I can't sleep at night thinking about you falling down the stairs. Do me this favor and let me put a second handrail on the stairs so I can sleep at night."
This tip resonated with me immediately. I've been advocating that my 87-year-old father -- who's got degenerative disc disease, arthritic knees, and walks with a cane -- get a second banister ever since I saw what a difference it made when he used one during a short stay at a skilled nursing facility. But whenever I've brought it up, he's offered the same answer -- he'll "cross that bridge when he comes to it."
The truth is, I do lose sleep over this -- my fear is that he'll "cross that bridge" by falling down the stairs. So I'm definitely going to try Ginzler's approach, and let you know what happens.
Why not do the same yourself? If there's a renovation -- or any kind of home safety improvement -- you've been wishing your parents would try, try "asking for help," and let us know how it goes.
And check back next week for more tips on opening your parents' minds to universal design concepts that can change not just their homes but the rest of their lives -- and yours.
Image courtesy of MySafeHome.org.
2 months ago
from Konrad Kaletsch, October 28, 2008 http://www.universaldesignresource.com/ Universal Design: But I’ll Be Fine I go to sleep at night, not wondering if the sun will rise tomorrow. I don’t ponder if there will be a winter next January. I won’t check the night sky to see if the moon is still there. All those seem like certainties – they seem guaranteed. I also don’t wonder if I will be alive tomorrow. I don’t worry about how much time I have left. I don’t worry if the salt and sugar is hardening arteries and forming diabetes. I don’t even worry if I’ll have enough cash when I get old. So, how could I spend much mental energy on universal design when myself and my surroundings suggest, “don’t worry about it; you’ll be fine; you’ll figure it out.” How do I not become that parent who refuses change? Thinking about aging puts a knot in my stomach that I would rather not feel. I’m much happier pretending that I will be fine. I’m much happier worrying about the past day and the next one. To concern myself with the life I’ll be living 30 or 40 years from now just doesn’t hold my interest. Is there a technique that I can apply that would help me take actions today that would assure an independent, secure, comfortable and joyful future? How do I get excited and motivated? Remember the vacation you always said you would take and then finally took? The process began with a dream or maybe an impulse. A bit of research, a few conversations, some internet, and then one day, you hit CONFIRM and you had yourself a ticket, a hotel and a car. Did you just drift back into a ho-hum, everything-is-normal way of being, or did you have a spring in your step? Did you focus on the work at hand, or did you think about that cool cocktail being served to you as you glow in a setting sun. Once you had that ticket, you were not normal – you told the world; you cut out of work early and got a new outfit for the vacation. You were gone in a few weeks – you couldn’t wait! That’s the technique that gets you revved up about life 30, 40, 50 or maybe even 60 years from now. It won’t be a pretense either – you’ll be on a real track. Here’s how it goes: much like the dream vacation, start to imagine your dream lifestyle as an older person. Who are you? Who have you become (go ahead and say these things out loud, write them in a journal, or create a mental image)? Are you rich in cash, rich in spirit, rich in love? Do you live in the sun or the cold? Are you social or solo? Is the family big? What will make you happy? What would you like to be doing for others? Do you live in the city or country? This is your fantasy – if you catch yourself being reasonable, cut it out, go wild! Get everything in there that you want to be and have. With this vivid mental picture of yourself as an older person, imagine moving toward the present by ten years. Ask yourself this question: what would I have so that this dream is on track for being realized? Let’s say you pictured yourself at age 70 living on a beautiful ranch in Montana. Move forward ten years to age 60 –what have you done by 60 to be on track for that vision at 70; maybe you just moved to Montana. Once clear, move forward another ten years. Fill in that picture. In the example, you are now 50; what has to be complete by 50 so that the picture of 60 is a slam dunk? Maybe you have to sort out a new means of income so you can pack up and move to Montana. As we get closer to the present (let’s say that you are presently 40 years old), the time jumps are shorter. You would go from a picture of life at 50 to 45, then to one year from now, to 6 months from now, to 1 month, to one week, to now. What do you do right now so that next week will be a done deal (and then one month from now, 6 months, one year, age 45, then 50, them 60 and then 70)? Your right-now action might be to research Montana and begin planning a trip there – right now! And you are excited! If at the beginning of this comment, I asked, “what are you doing today so that being age 70 is gonna be just great,” your answer might be much less passionate, “uh, I have an IRA.” Now, many meaningful conversations are possible including one about universal design – in fact, it’s critical to your desired lifestyle at age 70, and, it also makes the years in between much more livable. Are you planning on living in your own home at age 70? Will you be mobile? Will you still be earning an income? Will you be social? Will others be able to visit you? What do you want to do for others? An environment with universal design will make that future much more possible than one without. Your next action, right now, is to click: Universal Design Resource Find out more, discover.
Make your home 'visit-able'. If we expect our parents to change their home to follow universal design, we should do the same in our homes. Not only will it make our homes accessible for our parents, it will also make it ready for the moment when we have an accident or injury and need things accessible for ourselves. Have you considered what it's like for your parents to visit your house? Is the bathroom fully accessible? How many steps are there to get into your home? Etc., etc. All of us will someday need these changes in our own homes - much as I did several years ago when I suddenly had medical problems and found myself living on the first floor of our two-story home. My husband had to build a ramp to our widest door - our patio door. Fortunately, most of the first floor was NOT carpeted, so I was able to move my wheelchair without difficulty in the areas I needed most - from my bed to the bathroom. So we'd all do good by implementing universal design in our own homes.