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A new study published this week in the journal Cancer has doctors, patients, and families talking -- and asking hard questions -- about what happens in a couple when it's the wife, rather than the husband, who becomes ill.

Here's what researchers found when they followed 515 patients with cancer or multiple sclerosis over a period of five years.

• A woman is six times more likely to end up separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or MS than a man who becomes ill with the same disease.

• In couples in which the woman fell ill, the divorce rate was more than 20 percent.

• In couples in which the man got sick, the divorce rate was just 2.9 percent.

• The older a woman was at the time she got sick, the more likely she was to end up alone.

• However, the longer a couple had been married, the less likely they were to end up divorced.

The researchers at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance, Huntsman Medical Center, and Stanford University were studying a phenomenon that has already been documented in numerous other studies...  Read more

Even though my father just died, I'm not going to repeat the relationship-building advice that caregivers hear so often: to tell your sick or aging mother, father, husband, wife, grandparent, other relative, or friend, now, while you can, and at every opportunity --- hurry, hurry, hurry! --- how much you love them.

Because if you're a caregiver, they know. Say the words because you can't help saying them, not because you feel you're supposed to.

Full disclosure: This is coming from someone infamous in her family for loathing to say, "I love you." I'm not averse to the sentiment –- far from it! –- only to the thinning of its meaning when the words are tossed off too casually, too robotically, too often, as has become the modern norm. (Pet peeve: The perfunctory "Byebyeloveyou!" at the end of every phone call.)

When I hear, or say, "I love you," I want the words to be fully intentional...  Read more

What could be more elementally human than recognizing people -- the loved ones who feature in all your family memories, the friends you wave to on the street, the special face you wake up to every morning? I can't imagine what it must it feel like when Alzheimer's or another dementia turns those once-familiar faces into blanks.

But I well know about being on the receiving end of a blank stare. I've experienced the strange sensation of not being recognized by your own parent.

Intellectually, you understand the day might come. You know it's not unusual that recognizing people will become a challenge for someone with later-stage dementia. But the first time you're called by another name, it jolts. The gulf between you seems to widen.

The first time Dad introduced me as his "sister," my heart sank. It was a confirmation of what I'd long suspected, that he only vaguely got who I was. He seems to register me as family (as opposed to a total stranger), but can't quite place me...  Read more

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Compassion fatigue -- a.k.a. caregiver burnout -- is what happens when a well-intentioned caregiver crosses a hard-to-see line from One-Who-Helps to One-Who-Needs-Help. And it can happen to anyone. It happens precisely because you care so much.

Are you at risk of caring "too much"? Here are ten warning signs:

1. You use words like "always" and "never" with regard to caregiving.

Beware falling into absolutes: "I promised Mom we'd never put her in a nursing home." "I'm sorry I can't go to lunch because I always feed Sam by myself."

Being overly rigid can put you at risk for burnout.

2. Your friends seem to have stopped calling.

You may be feeling isolated or annoyed that your old circle no longer seems to check up on you and how you're faring...  Read more

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Stress and isolation are risks for all caregivers, but those who are caring for a spouse can be especially vulnerable. Factors unique to being a spousal caregiver raise the odds that someone in this situation will miss out on helpful resources –- and in turn raise his or her own risk for depression, disease, and even death.

(Though research shows that risks vary by age, gender, and the spouse's condition, they exist whether the spouse is caring for a husband or wife with dementia, cancer, heart disease, stroke, or other illnesses and disabilities.)

Obviously not everything about caring for a husband or wife who's ill is grim. But the grim parts can be as dangerous as they are often overlooked.

If you're a spousal caregiver, please consider the following factors that point to a need for giving in to more help, not less...  Read more

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Sexual urges don't stop just because Alzheimer's or another dementing illness invades the brain. Sometimes this is a blessing; some long-married couples say that the mind and body long remember the behaviors of sexual intimacy, even when short-term memory is on the fritz, which helps reinforce their closeness despite the disease-related adversity. Sometimes, on the other hand, sexuality coupled with dementia can cause big problems.

Few of us care to think about our parents having sex at any age or in any circumstances. But when the circumstances include dementia, certain issues might sidle up to a caregiver anyway. Reading this terrific legal overview in the Washington Post about an Alzheimer's rape case is a great reminder to family caregivers that sex is a fact of life (sometimes a thorny fact of life) all through life.

What are the most common minefields?

• A consenting couple, in which one party has Alzheimer's, but both enjoy the sexual relationship...  Read more

Patrick Swayze lost his battle with pancreatic cancer Monday night, after waging a brave battle during the 20 months since he announced his diagnosis. It may be Swayze's romantic turns in Dirty Dancing and Ghost for which he's best remembered, but cancer patients will never forget how Swayze turned his own battle into a public plea for help for all those affected by this terrible disease.

It's his own words that provide the best memorial for Swayze, who was only 57. "I keep dreaming of a future, a future with a long and healthy life, a life not lived in the shadow of cancer, but in the light," he said in the live television event "Stand Up to Cancer," which aired in September, 2008.

In February of this year, Swayze published a straight-talking op-ed piece in the Washington Post titled, "I'm Battling Cancer. How About Some Help, Congress?" He urged senators and representatives to vote...  Read more

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Say it's been two years since your father died and your mom still won't socialize or quit talking about wanting to join him. Or you can't shake a sense of meaninglessness to your life as the anniversary approaches of the death of someone close to you. Sounds like prolonged grief disorder, psychiatrists might say.

Prolonged grief disorder (PGD) -- previously called complicated grief – may soon be a recognized mental disorder. Researchers at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston developed and tested standard criteria for identifying the condition, based on the input of a team of experts in bereavement and mood/anxiety disorders. That's a major hurdle on the way to inclusion in the next edition of the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DMV-5), the psychiatric care bible for diagnosing problems. The research was done with widows and widowers but is thought to be applicable to the general population...  Read more

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On a recent trip I was struck by the number of three-generation families I saw vacationing together. And I noticed the ways in which this arrangement works well to give everyone some much-needed relaxation while keeping costs down, as well.

I chatted with some of the families I met, and heard over and over again how the current economic crisis is leading people to try new solutions, such as combining family resources for a vacation.

I've also heard from many friends that financial troubles are preventing them from flying home to visit family over the summer, as they typically do. And, of course, this is sad for everyone.

So here, after many conversations, are some ideas for how multi-generation families can join together to help everyone afford a vacation, even in tough times:

• Pick a central or accessible location based on cost. One family I met was divided between Oregon and the San Francisco Bay Area; they selected Mt...  Read more

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Here's news that may console you on those inevitable "bad days" when you feel a bit trapped by the demands of caring for someone with Alzheimer's disease or another form of dementia: A close relationship to a caregiver can slow the progress of Alzheimer's, researchers say.

In the September issue of The Journals of Gerontology, researchers at Utah State University, with colleagues at Duke, Johns Hopkins, and Boston University, report that the quality of the caregiver-recipient relationship can influence the course of Alzheimer's: Higher levels of closeness were associated with slower cognitive decline. For this long-term study, researchers followed 167 pairs for an average of 20 months. The effect was greatest among spousal caregivers with close relationships, but held among all positive caregiver-recipient pairs.

Next their research will try to tease out what specific kinds of interactions and activities seem most helpful...  Read more