Caring Currents

At Caring.com, we constantly hear stories of frustration and pain as our users try to help their aging parents, spouses, and other family members continue to live in health and safety. We also get many requests for information and assistance from users whose family members can't make ends meet.

One of the hardest issues to manage for older family members and caregivers is understanding and negotiating the maze of legal and financial issues around Medicare, Social Security, and other financial benefit systems.

Last week, we ran a news story that recounted how elderly people with diabetes can't pay for medications due to changes in the Medicare Part D drug benefit program. The article generated many comments from upset Caring.com members; they say seniors who take medication to control diabetes are falling through what's known as the "doughnut hole" in coverage. Without the aid, families are unable to pay for the drugs they need...  Read more

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The airwaves are filled with ads for holiday sales and discounts, but that's not really what we caregivers need. We need practical suggestions for how to create a festive holiday for our families without spending money that's more urgently needed for other things. And without stressing ourselves out any more than we already are.

I asked my friends and Caring.com readers who are members of the "sandwich generation" for their best tips on celebrating the holidays frugally and festively when there are both older family members and kids to consider. Their ideas were fabulous, and surprisingly original.

1. Get in the mood by renting holiday classics.

It's often hard to find activities that bring the whole family together, but holiday movies are perfect for that, says Doug, whose mom has amassed a collection the family pulls out every year. And no, they don't just stick to the G-rated faves from the forties; the grandkids have had fun introducing Grandma and Grandpa to a few modern masterpieces too...  Read more

Last week's episode of Bones, the hit TV crime show, featured a story line that probably felt all too familiar to anyone helping care for an aging parent, spouse, or other family member. It all starts with a phone call: Booth, the hunky detective played by David Boreanaz, gets a call informing him that his beloved grandfather, "Pops," has been kicked out of his retirement facility because he assaulted a nurse.

Of course, in typical TV-land style, the story is soft-pedaled a bit. Pops is an endearing, lovable curmudgeon played by The Waltons veteran Ralph Waite, whose assault was really more of an innocent scuffle.

But the show ventures into real-life territory when Pops comes to live with Booth, and Booth slowly discovers that Pops' memory and ability to function independently aren't what they used to be. Pops himself is in denial, and doesn't seem to realize what's happening -- or be able to acknowledge it -- as his memory lapses and periods of disorientation get him into stickier and stickier and ultimately dangerous situations...  Read more

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I've heard so many variations on this one I could fill a page just with the individual stories. Here on the West Coast, it often involves one of the many freestanding casinos on tribal land, which are all too easily accessible from nearby towns. Or bus trips to Las Vegas or Reno organized by senior groups. A friend in Shreveport tells me her mom couldn't stay away from the riverboat casinos; another friend's dad got in over his head playing Saturday night (and then Friday night, and then Wednesday afternoon) poker. And it isn't just our parents; I recently listened as a group of people shared stories of family members -- often brothers, nephews, cousins -- who got sucked into online gambling.

You've heard the rationale before: "I just play the penny slots. What's wrong with that?" "I've played poker for years; you want me to stop now?" And the kicker: "I have so few sources of enjoyment left...  Read more

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Watching those close to us age is stressful for everyone, but certain situations seem guaranteed to set family members against one another and start families unraveling at the seams.

And nothing causes more distrust and divisiveness among siblings than feeling they're not being treated equally or that one sibling is taking advantage of a parent at the others' expense. Case in point: Our message boards at Caring.com are filled with discussions about difficult family situations involving money, uneven sharing of caregiving responsibilities, dishonesty, or all three.

When One Sibling Repeatedly Borrows Money From a Parent and Other Siblings Resent It

This story plays out in all sorts of ways, but the central player is an adult child (or cousin, or nephew...) in difficult straits who frequently goes to aging parents asking for "loans," help with living arrangements, or out and out handouts...  Read more

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If you care for an aging family member, I'm guessing I don't have to point out to you the parallel with raising children. There's a reason we're called the "sandwich generation" -- we're the peanut butter and jelly holding together two pieces of bread: our children and our aging parents. But I bet you might not realize that many of the tax breaks we receive from the government for childrearing are available in similar form for taking care of our aging relatives.

Here's a rundown of how your status as a family caregiver might earn you some breaks at tax time:

1. Take advantage of income tax breaks available to caregivers. The one I hear about most from my friends in this situation is the ability to claim a parent as a dependent on your taxes. The criteria for doing this? You must have provided more than half of your parent's total support for the calendar year. Also, your parent's gross annual income has to be below $3500...  Read more

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Recently I heard from Sarah, an old friend, about a hard situation she's in that I'm sure many Caring.com readers can relate to. Sarah's mother-in-law moved in with her and her family more than a year ago, and since then Sarah's had a really hard time dealing with her husband's siblings, who aren't helping out as much as they promised.

But what Sarah's finding even more stressful is that the expense -- both in direct costs and in time lost from work -- of having an elderly person join the household is much greater than she expected. And what really galls her? No one else in the family seems motivated to chip in. "This summer it really got to me," Sarah told me. "We were stuck here in the Midwest heat, working ourselves to the bone keeping up with our jobs and caring for mom, while my husband's sister's family went to the Bahamas, and his brother and his wife spent weeks at their lake cabin...  Read more

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I'll never forget the time my mom came home after a class at a local community center, announcing that she'd met this nice gentleman who was going to help her move her retirement account to a new company that would "pay much better." Luckily for both of us, my mom's account was managed by a trustworthy local advisor who, when she asked to move it, did some quick digging. I got the call, Mom and I had a talk, and all was well. I got lucky, because someone asked questions and knew to call me.

But in other households around the country, things aren't going so well.

Newly minted, self-styled financial advisors are setting up shop to take advantage of seniors, and they can be hard to spot. The trend is coming to light as several states, including Massachusetts, Minnesota, and New York, have big lawsuits pending over legitimate-sounding financial planning services marketed to seniors that are in reality scams...  Read more

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If you've been reading stories about the explosion of senior fraud over the past few years, you can't help noticing that the word annuity keeps popping up. In fact, the North American Securities Administrators Association, an association of state regulators, says over one-third of all cases of financial exploitation of the elderly involve annuities. In the past few years, hundreds of class actions have been filed against insurers over annuity sales to the elderly, including one in Minnesota against Allianz Life that involves nearly 400,000 people.

How are annuities getting older adults into trouble?

Let's be clear. Annuities in and of themselves aren't bad. For some people -- typically those who are younger or quite well off -- they might be a good investment choice, depending on circumstances. But as a general rule, most types of annuities are not a good choice for seniors.

The reason...  Read more

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It happened again last week: another headline about an investment broker whose dubious practices fleeced clients' accounts for two decades before families got suspicious and started asking questions.

The latest scandal occurred in Rock Hill, South Carolina, but the headlines are popping up in local and national papers everywhere. (And then there's Madoff and his ilk, who don't restrict themselves to one geographic area.)

It's one of those worries that keeps many of us up at night. Will our parents and other older family members have enough money to care for themselves for the rest of their lives? (And yes, let's admit it, we do from time to time fret about whether there will be any left over for us.) And is the money they do have secure, well-invested, and protected from scammers?

Here's what happened to those families in South Carolina: Oren Eugene Sullivan, a New York Life securities broker, allegedly managed to abscond with $3...  Read more