Items in Caring Currents tagged with Family Conflicts

Family Financial Feud: After My Father Died, My Mother and I Fought Over Funeral Costs

Melanie Haiken — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 08:00:00 -0000

What do you do when your beloved father dies and your mother, who was his primary caregiver, won't honor his memory the way you feel she should? That's what Joanie W. is facing. It's a common family dilemma, yet no one seems to talks about it. Final arrangements and how we deal with them bring up such strong feelings, and the public aspect of a funeral or memorial service -- or lack thereof -- can trigger feelings of shame, embarrassment, sadness and -- yes, it's true -- rage. Here's Joanie's story.

"My dad died recently after a long battle with heart disease and diabetes. His last years were really tough as his health went downhill, and he became really difficult to deal with. He was sour and bad-tempered and complained all the time, and my mom took the brunt of it. In his last days, once he went to the hospital, it was like she washed her hands of him. I flew out and stayed with him and basically ended up making all the final decisions."

Joanie, who lives across the state and has a family of her own, hadn't been a hands-on caregiver, but she'd been "the responsible one" in her family, the one her parents turned to for support and advice. Now she found herself in the position of making all the arrangements for the funeral and burial, including writing the obituary, planning the service, and coordinating with those attending.

"I tried to make decisions in discussion with my mom, but she was kind of checked out, and mostly it was me. I kept thinking of my dad, and what a great guy he'd been, and all the people coming, and I wanted to do it the way he would have liked. Then afterward, when the bills came in, my mom started complaining about how much everything had cost, saying I'd spent too much. I ended up paying some expenses out of my own savings to keep the peace, but I felt resentful because she lives on my dad's money and I know he'd made provisions for his final arrangements. Meanwhile my family lives on a very tight budget, much tighter than my mom, so my husband was upset that I'd had to pay for some of the funeral costs."

Although Joanie's dad hadn't been the easiest person to get along with in his last years, he'd been a great dad when she was growing up, and was a well-liked member of the community and she felt responsible for honoring that. Yet her efforts weren't appreciated by the rest of the family.

"I know my dad was a pill at the end, and he wore my mom out. But before that, for all of our lives, he was the greatest. He was such a warm, kind person, and a lot of people knew and liked him. And I honestly think he was a good husband, too, though you wouldn't know it from how mom talks now. When I was a kid, all my friends loved my dad, and I knew the whole town would turn out for his funeral. But my mom didn't seem to care about that -- it was like she'd already put it all behind her."

The service was well attended; Joanie says she was truly touched by the people who came from far away, and the kind things people wrote in the guest book. But then came something she hadn't planned for: Many family members, friends, and members of the community made financial contributions in her dad's name.

"The final straw was when I realized that people were sending checks and my mom was just cashing them. She wasn't giving them to a charity in my dad's name or anything. She'd quibbled about the expenses of the funeral, and she didn't offer to pay me back, even when this money started coming in. I felt terrible that we weren't setting up a fund or anything. We had a horrible fight and now we're barely speaking. It feels awful because we used to be close before Dad got sick, and now everything's tense and awkward. No one will talk about what happened; it feels like everyone's ashamed and blaming everyone else."

Some of the most complicated feelings come up when a parent dies and family members find they don't see eye to eye. That seems to be especially true regarding final arrangements, because these ceremonies have such significance and importance.

Joanie's desperate for some type of resolution, so her family can move on. Do you have any thoughts or insights to offer her?

Family Financial Feuds: The Case of the "Borrowing" Sibling

Melanie Haiken — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 07:00:00 -0000

Watching those close to us age is stressful for everyone, but certain situations seem guaranteed to set family members against one another and start families unraveling at the seams.

And nothing causes more distrust and divisiveness among siblings than feeling they're not being treated equally or that one sibling is taking advantage of a parent at the others' expense. Case in point: Our message boards at Caring.com are filled with discussions about difficult family situations involving money, uneven sharing of caregiving responsibilities, dishonesty, or all three.

When One Sibling Repeatedly Borrows Money From a Parent and Other Siblings Resent It

This story plays out in all sorts of ways, but the central player is an adult child (or cousin, or nephew...) in difficult straits who frequently goes to aging parents asking for "loans," help with living arrangements, or out and out handouts.

Take Bill, a less-than-successful 36-year-old who always seems to be moving home while he "gets on his feet again." While there, he eats his parents' food, drives their car, and always seems to need $40 to "tide him over." He was mom's baby, and she can't say no. Meanwhile older sister Kate is driving dad to doctor's appointments, bringing hot meals, and coming over on Saturdays to clean the bathroom. (Somehow, in this story, it's almost always a sibling who's not doing much of the caregiving who's asking for help; meanwhile, other sibs who are bearing the brunt of helping out, feel unrewarded for their loyalty.) Sound familiar?

I asked several experts in family dynamics for some suggestions in dealing with this situation, and got a lot of ideas. I also asked people whose stories followed this plotline to tell me what worked for them, and what just made tensions flare even more. Here are their thoughts, suggestions, and admonitions.

• Recognize selfishness for what it is -- a focus on the self at the expense of others.
Let's face it, psychologists say, people are wired differently, and some naturally think carefully about how their actions affect others -- while others don't. If you reflect back over your childhood, you may realize there's a pattern here -- self-obsession to the point of narcissism is often at the root of this kind of behavior, psychologists and other experts say. Recognizing that your sib falls into this category doesn't solve your problem, but it gives you some context, so you're not continually caught by surprise. And it allows you to stop expecting something different from him, and getting hurt when it doesn't happen.

• Don't take selfishness personally.
One thing experts suggest in all these types of scenarios is to depersonalize it as much as you can. While you certainly have every right to feel hurt and angry -- and to have thoughts such as "how could she?" -- your sibling is probably not preoccupied with the emotional side of things. She probably doesn't even fully recognize her actions as hurtful. Remember, to these folks, it's all about them; you're a bit player in their ongoing drama.

• Desperation makes people do desperate things.
Remind yourself that when people back themselves into a corner, they tend to come out swinging. If the problem child in your family wasn't like this in the past, it may be that personal troubles have overridden her better judgment. That's not an excuse -- remember the old saying about hard times showing people's true colors. At the same time, it's a good strategy for managing your own feelings of betrayal to point out to yourself that it's not your sibling's best self you're dealing with.

• Recognize if there's alcohol, drugs, gambling, or another addiction involved
One useful strategy comes from family therapists who deal with addiction: Try to separate the addiction from the person. For example, counselors might tell you to picture the gambling addiction or acoholism as a monster riding on your family member's shoulder, controlling his or her actions. This is not to get your family member off the hook -- but it can be very comforting when dealing with feelings like, "My baby sister used to be so sweet; what happened?"

• Self justification is a powerful thing -- don't try to fight it. The adult child who begs, borrows, or even steals from a parent or other family member usually surrounds himself with an elaborate scheme of self-justification. Attempts to break through this bubble of victimization and get him to admit he's behaved badly, or to apologize, are likely to be met with complete failure. The reason? To take such an extreme step in the first place, your sibling had to talk himself into feeling his actions were justified. Most often, some old resentment, mistrust, or dissatisfaction that's festered for years is the foundation on which the self justification is built. Do any of these sound familiar?

--Mom and Dad paid for you to go to college, and I didn't get as good an education, so your earning power is much higher than mine -- hence I should get more now. (The fact that said sib chose to play in a rock 'n roll cover band rather than go to college has been conveniently forgotten.)
--You moved away and married into a more affluent family while I stayed here to be closer to our parents, and now I need more help.
--Mom and dad loved their grandchildren to death, and would have wanted to give them money to start out in life; how could you begrudge them that?
--I've had health problems/financial setbacks/personal issues that have put me in this situation, and now when Mom and Dad want to help me, you resent it.

Once you've accepted that your sibling is mired in a quicksand of self-justification, don't try to break through it. It will just be an exhausting and pointless waste of time and energy, because these types of justifications tend to multiply like Gorgon's heads.

What do you do? This is where it gets tricky, because unless your sibling (or cousin, or nephew...) out-and-out stole or defrauded your parents, you have to recognize that it's your parents' money, not yours, to do with what they will. But there are still a number of strategies that others have found effective.

1. Separate the personal and the practical. Recognize that to your sibling this is a financial matter -- he needed money, felt he was entitled (or constructed a new reality to make himself feel entitled) and took it. You have all sorts of emotional issues of trust, respect, and loyalty mixed up in the situation, but your sibling may not see any of this. So depersonalize the situation as much as you can and treat it like any other business deal. Do your parents feel resentful, or do they feel it was a fair deal? Was the money a loan or a gift? If it's a loan, on what terms will it be repaid?

2. Change what you can change -- your own actions -- and leave others' actions to them. What often complicates these situations is resentment, experts say; the sibling who's behaving honorably and responsibly resents the contrast between her role and that of the freeloading sib. Unfortunately, the hard reality is that you can only change yourself, not others. And it's quite possible that your resentment is fueled by your own panic. In other words, you're burdened beyond what you can handle, and desperately wish your sib would help out.

But let's face it: That's not going to happen. So where can you get some help? How can you reduce your load? Look for help from other sources -- neighbors, friends, other family members, your parents' church. Talk to your parents and sibling(s) and explain that you're shouldering more than you can manage, and have to step back a bit. Then wait and see - maybe faced with a need, your parents will demand that slacker sib step up. If not, their response is not up to you, but you can help your parents look for other solutions.

3. Focus on long-term rather than short-term fairness. You may not be able to make the situation fair now, but it can help to think of ways to make things better in the future. Many siblings have had good luck bringing loans or gifts to the attention of the executor of a will, and getting the money treated as an "advance" on that sibling's inheritance. In other words, if your sister "borrowed" $20,000 from your parents for the down payment on a house, her share of the inheritance is $20,000 less than yours. You may need the help of an estate attorney to help you and your family sort this all out, but it's probably worth it to get the issue out in the open.

No question, we've only touched the surface of this important topic. More to come, and please feel free to describe your experiences and solutions.

So Your Parent Wants to Move In With You -- Can You Afford It?

Melanie Haiken — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 07:00:00 -0000

Recently I heard from Sarah, an old friend, about a hard situation she's in that I'm sure many Caring.com readers can relate to. Sarah's mother-in-law moved in with her and her family more than a year ago, and since then Sarah's had a really hard time dealing with her husband's siblings, who aren't helping out as much as they promised.

But what Sarah's finding even more stressful is that the expense -- both in direct costs and in time lost from work -- of having an elderly person join the household is much greater than she expected. And what really galls her? No one else in the family seems motivated to chip in. "This summer it really got to me," Sarah told me. "We were stuck here in the Midwest heat, working ourselves to the bone keeping up with our jobs and caring for mom, while my husband's sister's family went to the Bahamas, and his brother and his wife spent weeks at their lake cabin. They didn't invite their mom to join them, and it never occurred to them that we could use a vacation too."

The problem is, it's much harder to get situations like this straightened out after the fact, after expectations have gelled and things have settled into a routine. So here are some suggestions culled from elder planning experts for how to set up a working financial arrangement with siblings before your parent or other family member makes the move.

1. Create a “caregiving budget.” Make a list of estimated expenses and determine how much the parent, the caregiver, and/or siblings will contribute. This budget should take into account the full cost of living for the family; not just food and transportation, but mortgage or rent, homeowners' insurance, utilities, etc. Many people make the mistake of thinking, well, I'm already paying this mortgage amount, so I shouldn't charge my parent for a share -- no. Even if your home is big enough that you don't have to make any changes to accommodate your family member, he or she should still share those basic expenses, unless there's really no money available. If not, resentments will arise down the line. Again, this may need to be made clear to siblings.

2. Figure out how much your parent can contribute. Sometimes, aging parents will have sufficient resources (possibly following the sale of their home) to pay the full cost of their care in your home. For example, if Sarah's mother-in-law sold a home before moving in with Sarah and her husband, that money could be used to contribute to Sarah's household. Sibling alert: This is an issue that must be discussed openly ahead of time. In many families, there's an unstated expectation from adult children that they will inherit the funds from the family home. I've heard more stories than you can believe of families where the family home is sold, and the proceeds set aside for future inheritance, while one sibling struggles to support and care for the now non-independent parent. That's not how it should work, experts say. All the siblings need to discuss and agree that the proceeds from the home are to be used for the parent's care during his or her lifetime. And if that care is in one sibling's home, the funds will last much longer than they would if they were used to pay for assisted living.

3. Calculate a fair contribution for the parent to make to household expenses. This is tricky, of course, and has to take into account both what resources the parent has, and what the cost of living is for that particular household. But here's a ballpark way to look at it: If an aging family member becomes part of what's now a five-person household, and the total monthly expenses for that household are $2,500, the new resident might contribute one-fifth, or $500.

4. Call on siblings to contribute. If an aging family member doesn't have resources to pay for his or her care, the siblings together should come up with a payment plan. Really -- it's only fair. If you figure it costs you $1000 a month to have your parent in your home, and there are three additional siblings, you could ask each for $250. Alternatively, your siblings might very reasonably decide that your time in caring for the parent is your contribution, and divide the $1000 three ways.

5. Keep track of additional costs and share those too. Food, housing, and utilities are only the start, and not realizing this ahead of time is one of the biggest stressors for family caregivers, as the costs begin to mount. If you're the one taking Dad to the doctor and picking up his medications, you'll be writing checks for co-pays and prescriptions. There will be special purchases to make and supplies, such as adult diapers. You may have to make changes to your home, such as putting bars in the bathroom or widening a door for a wheelchair. There may be transportation costs, or fees for services. Since you're Johnny-on-the-spot, these expenses will end up coming out of your pocket. Keep a running tab of caregiving expenses and send a regular tally to other family members, with their share indicated. One way to simplify the record keeping? Have a separate credit card and use the monthly bill as your record. If other siblings can’t or won’t pay their fair share on a monthly basis, you'll want to keep even more careful records, as you may be able to recoup your expenses from your parent’s estate before it's divided up.

6. Don't be afraid to hire outside caregiving help and share that expense. Whether you work full or part time, or stay home, you may need to find adult day services, or a senior center that provides meals, or hire a caregiver a few hours a week, so that you have the freedom to take care of your other responsibilities. This is perfectly understandable; don't get stuck in the guilt trap feeling like you signed on to do it all. You may also need transportation for your parent to and from the senior center or day care center, and may need to pay for that, too. Discuss these arrangements with other family members ahead of time, so they don't feel blindsided, and see if there are other options. Another family member might, for example, choose to step in and have Mom come for a visit every Thursday rather than pay for adult day services, and that's fine. But if no one else can provide regular, continuous care you can count on, then you'll need outside help, and that's a shared expense.

7. What about being paid for your time? This one is pretty individual, and every family situation is different. But here's the bottom line: If you or someone in your immediate family has to quit work or cut back hours in order to care for your aging family member, then that lost income is a family-wide issue. Likewise, your time. If your parent needs a lot of day-to-day care that would otherwise be provided in an assisted living facility or by a caregiver, and it's you doing that work, your family needs to acknowledge that time spent, and its impact on the rest of your life. Maybe they'll want to spring for a caregiver, maybe another family member can step in for a few shifts, or maybe they'd prefer to pay you for your time. But no matter what, the contribution of the one doing the caregiving needs to be acknowledged. You can also look into being paid as a caregiver through Medicare.

Of course, if an older family member is already living with you, and some of this advice is hitting a nerve, it's never to late to revisit arrangements. Call a family meeting and be direct and honest. Explain that you're happy having your family member in your home, but there were certain details about how it would all work financially that you didn't know enough to consider at the time. Lay it all out for the rest of the family, and explain that things need to change. It helps if you've made a budget, kept track of expenses, and can demonstrate what is and isn't working. Remember, your siblings are getting off easy, here. All the work and responsibility for your family member's care is falling on your shoulders, not to mention the inconvenience, lack of privacy, and at least occasional frustration and irritation of having an elderly person in your space. So let them step up to the plate in other ways, so you feel supported. It's the only way to protect other family relationships from the stress and strain of resentment.

Can Marilyn Monroe or George Clooney Predict Alzheimer's?

Paula Spencer — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 07:00:00 -0000

Can dementia be predicted by what happens in someone's brain when they see an iconic celebrity like Marilyn Monroe, Bob Hope, Johnny Carson, George Clooney, or Britney Spears?

I realize it's odd to think about Marilyn Monroe and the brain, of all body parts, but bear with me.

Now that we can "see" the inner workings of the brain thanks to better imaging tests, scientists are devising clever ways of watching memory in progress. And one of the simpler ideas, reported in last week's Neurology, compares brain activity when a person is shown different names. Turns out people at high risk of developing Alzheimer's struggle just as much to recognize Marilyn or Britney as they do non-famous names like Irma Jacoby or Thomas Fitzpatrick.

In fact, they struggled six times harder than people at low-risk for Alzheimer's (as determined by family history and genetic factors). All of the subjects, healthy adults ages 65 to 85, were placed in a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine and asked to push a button when they recognized names that were flashed in front of them. The low-risk subjects' brains lit up most at the unfamiliar names, meaning they were working hardest to process and identify them. They didn't have to work hard for the celeb names, the way the high-risk people did.

The idea behind this test is to find markers that, along with genetic risk and other known risk factors, can help pinpoint people most vulnerable to Alzheimer's. It's a little hard to see how this kind of predictive information is useful. In theory, the Cleveland Clinic researchers behind it say, it would enable such people to participate in clinical trials of new drugs at the earliest and most beneficial stages.

It's a little amazing to think that how my Dad's brain once processed Marilyn Monroe or Albert Einstein might have foreshadowed his current mid-stage dementia.

I say amazing because at this point he doesn't always know exactly who anybody is. Sometimes I'm his "sister," for example, sometimes I'm his daughter (one of them, anyway…he might start to talk about me in the third person, as in, "Did you read Paula's article…?").

Makes me want to ask him who Marilyn Monroe is, next time I see him. (Even though that wasn't the test, of course; the test was to reveal what parts of memory function were flashing in healthy subjects.)

But I don't think there was ever a point in his life where Dad had any idea who Brit was.

How to Prevent Family Money Conflicts by Reconciling Money Styles

Melanie Haiken — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 07:00:00 -0000

Last week I explained the most common money styles and how to figure out which one is yours. You can also use this list of common money styles to figure out the money styles of your spouse, parents, siblings, or others.

Knowing how the important people in your life view money (especially in a caregiving situation) -- and how those views differ from yours -- will do wonders for your ability to get along and avoid the pitfalls that tend to trigger arguments and blow ups.

Here, some of the most common ways family members with different money styles push each other's buttons -- and what to do when that happens.

Money Styles Conflict #1: Hoarder vs. Spender
One of you saves for a rainy day, the other wants what she wants and resents feeling deprived, especially where comfort is concerned.

How to Resolve: The ignition spark in this conflict tends to be status; spenders are status-conscious, and spend to keep up with others. So when the hoarder tries to get the spender to cut back, this can trigger a sense of social shame and inadequacy. The secret? Take the spender's social image consciousness into account when choosing where to cut spending. For example, annual dues for the local country club or community center might seem expendable to the hoarder but not to the spender. So cut back in some less visible way, such as limiting movie and other entertainment expenses instead. One family I know compromised on this one by painting the front of their parents' house but not the back; they cut the painting costs in half, but the house still looked presentable to the neighbors!

Money Styles Conflict #2: Worrier vs. Hoarder
You'd think these two would get along well, since they're somewhat similar, but it's a case of two wrongs not making a right. Both are conservative when it comes to money, but worriers fret about money without actually doing much about it, while hoarders take practical and concrete steps to save.

How to Resolve. Hoarders find worriers endlessly frustrating, especially if the worrier asks for advice and then doesn't take it. To prevent this, form a partnership in which the hoarder helps the worrier manage her money. Talk about the worrier's fears and anxieties, then set up a financial plan so the worrier can see that there's a workable budget and the hoarder feels satisfied that the worrier is doing more than worrying.

Money Styles Conflict #3: Worrier vs. Binger
Bingers keep their money under control until they feel they "deserve" something, at which point the sky's the limit. This tendency is going to bring out the worst in a worrier, who watches the binger's sudden spending sprees with horror.

How to Resolve: To work out such conflicts, each side needs to see and acknowlege the other's strengths and make use of them. The binger can benefit from listening to and being guided by the worrier's more conservative approach, while the worrier -- who tends to become paralyzed -- can benefit from the binger's financial management abilities during his better moments.

Money Styles Conflict #4: Miser vs. Hoarder
This is one of the worst combinations because hoarders spend a great deal of energy thinking about and managing money, while misers believe thinking about money shows lack of character.

How to Resolve At the root of this conflict is the issue of respect. If a miser is living in la-la land because he feels money doesn't bear thinking about, then he's going to make a hoarder feel crummy. If a hoarder takes great pride in his money-saving bent, he may look at a miser with disdain. Both parties need to think hard about the positive qualities of the other and find a way to work together respectfully. Misers, for example, can get hoarders to relax and focus less on money, while hoarders can instill some much-needed practicality in misers -- if they let each other. This one requires everyone to set aside their judgmental tendencies.

5 Money Styles and How Differences Cause Family Conflicts

Melanie Haiken — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 07:00:00 -0000

Have you given much thought to your money style? While you're at it, you might want to consider the money styles of your parents, siblings, and other family members. I'm betting a light bulb will go off, like it did for me when I did the exercise, below. When it comes to the choices we make about money, even those who consider themselves close can behave like apples and oranges. Some money styles go well together, while others cause major sparks to fly.

I spent my life listening to my mom say she had no money, that there was no money, that everything cost more than she could afford. As a teenager, she even made me and my sisters buy our own shampoo and other personal supplies, complaining that there was no room in the budget for such items. Yet once I took control of her finances in her final years, I discovered that in fact, she had a substantial cushion of savings that I'd known nothing about. Money that she could certainly have used to allow us a more comfortable and less stressful life. What gives?

My mother, it turns out, was a "worrier." Her fears about lack of money -- fears she came by honestly as the child of a Depression-poor and widowed father - informed many other decisions she made in her life. I, on the other hand, am a "hoarder," similarly inclined towards saving, but with a much more practical bent. The differences in how we managed money made for endless conflicts right up until the end of my mother's life. Our various money styles also caused innumerable conflicts with my sisters, as we unburdened ourselves of my mother's home and possessions and settled her affairs.

Below are some sample "money style" quiz questions used by financial experts. They use them to help you understand how you view and value money, and where your strengths and weaknesses lie. Use them to analyze your money style--and those of other family members--and you'll gain some valuable insights.

1. Worrier: If you lie awake at night worrying about money but aren't actually sure how high your credit card limit is or how much is in your savings account right now, you're a worrier. This syndrome, experts say, tends to stem from lack of confidence about money. If you don't feel well equipped to handle financial decisions, you're likely to become paralyzed. The result: endless, unproductive worry.

2. Hoarder: Are you a flea market and garage sale afficionado? Do you love to gloat over the fact that your $16 dress from Ross is as pretty as the $100 dresses that surround you at a wedding? If you're a lifelong bargain hunter like me, chances are you're a "hoarder." The name's a bit of a misnomer, though; you may not be a stereotypical pack rat. (I myself love to divest myself of stuff as much as find bargains.) The central issue here is that you're conservative with money, savings-conscious, but in a hard-headed pragmatic way. Unlike the "worrier," who's also a penny-pincher but without the practical streak.

3. Spender: This name is apt; a spender does spend freely. But it's more than that. The key point here is that buying and owning new things makes you happy, because your confidence is tied up with issues of quality and status. Similarly, you feel unhappy and deprived if circumstances dictate that you can't afford things you see friends and colleagues having. If it makes you feel happy to know that your iPhone is the latest model or your car stands out in the company parking lot, you're probably a spender. You're also probably carrying numerous credit cards with high balances.

4. Binger: If you're an odd combination of hoarder and spender, it's likely you're a binger, experts say. Bingers keep on top of their debt, and may even be masters of finding the latest new low-rate card offer. At the same time, the binger's the one who whips out the card to buy an enormous flat-screen TV just in time for the Super Bowl party. If "I've been really good this week so I deserve it," goes through your head at regular intervals, you're a binger.

5. Miser Known by various names, from the "ostrich" to the "money monk," misers can be zen-like practicers of self-denial or may feel themselves to be "above it all" when it comes to money. If thinking about or discussing money is distasteful to you because you feel that "good" people don't worry about money, you're probably a miser. While your sentiments are understandable--particularly if you were raised by parents who taught that the love of money is the root of all evil-- these feelings can cause as much or more conflict in families as any of the other types. The problem is, money is a basic necessity to keep any family afloat. By being an "ostrich" and acting as if money doesn't matter, you saddle others with those responsibilities.

The secret to working around differences in money styles within families is understanding the differences and talking about them. Knowing your money style and the styles of your parents and siblings can make this process much easier. It can also help to be alert for predictable clashes between types. Next week I'll go into areas of agreement between money types, areas of conflict, and how to resolve those conflicts.

Reconciling With Siblings After a Fight Over Caregiving for a Parent

Paula Spencer — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 07:00:00 -0000

Some of the saddest caregiving stories concern brothers and sisters who come to loggerheads over some aspect of their parents' or another relative's care – and wind up saying ugly things, or not speaking, or worse. (By worse, I mean court feuds, permanent family exile, and even violence.)

Common reasons for family conflicts over caregiving include (in no particular order): Different standards for quality of care, how to proceed after a diagnosis, where the older person should live, who should have control of legal or financial affairs, who should pay for procedures or care, wills and other gnarly issues about how estates are or will be divided. Did I mention money?

"You never really know a family member until money is involved," a Caring.com member recently, and memorably, observed in a discussion about siblings.

If a family estrangement, large or small, is gnawing at you, what can you do? Some ideas that have worked for others:

Start by asking yourself if you're really ready to forgive and forget.

There's little point re-opening lines of communication if your real motive is just to have at it again. Usually the person who wants to reconcile is genuinely saddened by the discord (but this is an important point to feel sure about).

Can you agree to disagree?

This is the corollary to the point above. You don't have to capitulate to the other person's point of view. Especially if you're the primary caregiver doing the hands-on work, your view deserves extra weight. But for there to be reconciliation, both parties are going to have to agree that some difference of opinion is okay.

Find a way to compromise, or bring in a mediator to help you smooth over those differences in a way that leaves everybody – including the person being care for – satisfied.

Try to ferret out the whys behind what happened.

A lot of adult sibling discord has its roots in our childhood relationships. A youngest sib isn't seen as capable of making tough decisions, the black sheep is automatically blamed for problems, and so on. It can be useful to figure out if some of that is still poisoning the waters today.

Another common snag: Miscommunication, or assuming rather than talking. Or asserting one's beliefs without being open to other points of view. Often families confer by e-mail exclusively; there's nothing like actual human conversation to work through challenges. If the person you're caring for isn't demented, invite and respect his/her opinion.

Recognize that every sibling has a different relationship with a parent.

And yours may not be the same as your sibling's. A refusal to recognize this elemental fact can cause a lot of anguish. Common scenario: Parent alters will to leave more money to the sibling with whom he or she lives the last years; other sibs freak and cry foul. Most parents do love all their children equally (even the black sheep) but feel and express this in different ways. Kvetching "Mom always liked you best" is not only irrelevant but juvenile.

Break bread together to patch it up.

Try mending fences in a neutral place (not either of your houses or your parent's, and not over the phone, where you can't read expressions – or use your own expressions to underscore the sincerity of your message). Ask your sibling out to eat: "I'd really like to clear the air; let me treat you to lunch." Or, "I feel like we haven't been getting along – can I explain how I'm feeling over pizza?"

If talking's tough, write it out.

Breaching a stony silence is tough. People who have a hard time confronting others over tough topics sometimes find it easier to pour out their hearts on paper. It's worth a try. Include a request to get together in person.

Ask an intermediary to help.

A neutral third sibling, a beloved aunt or uncle, a family friend – is there someone who knows you both who can defuse some of the tension by sitting down with you both? This third party doesn't necessarily have to mediate (or referee); their simple presence can bring the temperature down a few notches--or get you in the same room together in the first place.

Appeal to your parent's or grandparent's wishes.

Posing the what-would-Mom-want question can get a disagreement back on a productive course. Mom would want us to be civil. Mom would want us to help her. Mom would want us to make her last years more pleasant by showing her a united front.

But don't make reconciliation your life's work.

Sometimes, sad to say, the breach can be too wide, the personalities involved too unwilling to make amends. Relationships do fall apart over caregiving conflicts. It's okay to grieve if this is the case for you. But you also deserve to move on, rather than dwelling. Your time and emotional energy are at a premium as a caregiver. Maybe you'll try again at Christmas, or next year, or after your life phase as a sandwich-generation parent passes.

Meanwhile, try to not take criticisms and attacks about your caregiving choices personally. We're back to agreeing to disagree (even if the other party can't), for your sanity's sake.

Finally, recognize that family takes many forms.

If you're at a persistent stalemate with a sib, consider "replacing" him or her (or them). Look to dear friends, cousins, fellow caregivers , and others to fill in as your "family." They may not share your historic bonds or your DNA, but they can provide the kind of emotional support you need right now, like siblings without the rivalry.

Dirty Dozen: 12 Ways Hands-on Caregivers Are Driven Crazy by Their Siblings

Paula Spencer — Tue, 12 May 2009 07:00:00 -0000

My mom was an only child, a fact of life she disliked and the reason she gave for having five kids of her own. She finally found a bright side to her solitude in her 70s while looking after her mother, who had Alzheimer's: "At least I don't have anybody to second guess me or argue with me over how I'm doing things."

Let's face it: Siblings have spent a lifetime perfecting the art of bickering and feeling resentful toward one another. So it's little surprise that in the emotionally fraught arena of caregiving for an aging parent or grandparent, "issues" between siblings run hotter than the lava under Kilauea.

Sibling anger and frustration has also been a theme among Caring.com users recently – maybe Mother's Day brought it to the surface.

A lot of misunderstandings occur simply because the non-hands-on brothers and sisters have a hard time fully "getting" what life is like for the day-to-day caregiving sib. Maybe these insights from caregivers can help sibs to course-correct. (I know I'm typing some of these feeling guilty – but aiming to do better by Father's Day!)

The 12 things caregiving siblings hate about their brothers and sisters are… (Feel free to add your own…)

1. Calling to ask how the person being cared for is doing – but not asking about the sibling caregiver.

This one's easy. Your sibling wants to know a) you care about him or her, b) you appreciate the responsibility she's taken on, and c) you're ready, willing, and able to listen if she needs to vent a bit.

2. Offering to help – but always having other plans when the offer is called in.

We all have to make our own decisions about how we spend our time. But if your "I can'ts" outnumber your "sures" then your equation is off, and not helpful. Try making specific offers for things or dates you're sure you can follow through on

3. Canceling your help, especially at the last minute.

Even worse than not ever being available is to promise to do something and then skunk out. Conflicts happen, but for caregiving sibs, last-minute changes can be impossible to roll with – costing money or a cancellation of their own plans.

4. Fashioning elaborate excuses why you can't help.

Boils down to: You can, or you can't. Justifying your busyness isn't necessary or helpful.

5. Wanting to be praised and thanked endlessly – for the tiniest little thing.

Hands-on or live-in caregivers do unimaginable grunt work 24-7. So when you take the gang out to brunch or volunteer to run some errands, it's wonderful. It's just not kudos-worthy, at least not from your sibling.

6. Never asking how the money's holding out (the parent's or the caregiver's).

Understandably, it's awkward--and you don't want to appear to be prying into others' finances. But taking care of someone is costly. Checking in on cash flow periodically can influence what kinds of plans need to be collectively made about care locations, support caregivers, adult day care, and so on. And it's another way to communicate that you're thinking about your sib.

7. Sending postcards from glorious vacation spots (when the sib hasn't had a proper vacation in months or longer).

Better: Figure out how to whisk the caregiving sib away once in awhile. (Even an afternoon at a day spa can feel like a resort.)

8. Dropping in to visit – and expecting to be entertained.

You've been siblings a long time. You probably know where the coffee pot is! Better yet, take your parent out for coffee – or better still, a meal and a movie – and give your sib a break.

9. Ignoring distress signals.

Surreptitiously keep an eye on your sib for things like depression or stress overload. And when he or she shouts out for help in a more obvious way, answer. In a Caring Groups discussion on sibling support and lack thereof, one member wrote about shattering her elbow while caregiving, but none of her siblings realized she might need a little extra help herself!

10. Not offering to divide and conquer.

Lots of us are squeamish about changing adult diapers or have lifestyles that don't allow us to be a primary caregiver. But looking after aging loved ones has many components, so try not to let one sibling shoulder physical care as well as finances, insurance, medical research, and so on. Dividing the components of care makes for a good checks-and-balances system, too.

11. Playing the "Mom always liked you best" card.

The parent-caring relationship can intensify the closeness of the caregiver's bond with the parent(s). This is the silver lining of caregiving that many caregivers are blessed to know. For those sibs on the outside, there can be prickles of envy or jealousy. Know this, don't blame your sib for it, and get over it. Everybody has a unique relationship with a parent, and it ebbs and flows over time.

12. Criticizing, whether to the sib's face or behind her back (or especially to her spouse!).

If you see something you don't like in a caregiving situation, it's usually a good idea to speak up about it, so long as you can frame it in a constructive way. Don't think Mom is being kept busy enough? Offer to take her to a senior center or fund an elder companion. Don't like that Dad's still allowed to drive? Present a plan to take away the keys and find alternative transportation.

As my mom used to say, "Be part of the solution, not part of the problem."

When Mother's Day Means Grief, Not Joy

Melanie Haiken — Fri, 08 May 2009 07:00:00 -0000

This Mother's Day is the first since my mother died last June, and for the past few weeks my emotions have been a combustible cocktail of sorrow, loss, and rage. The truth is, this has never been my favorite holiday, given that my relationship with my mother was a tangled and troubled one. Somewhere deep down, I think I thought it would be a relief not to have to "celebrate" it anymore.

I wasn't expecting the emotional hit I've taken over the past few weeks, as those around me prepare to acknowledge and honor the generations of women that hold their families together. When murmurs arise about choosing the perfect gift or exchanging recipes for brunch, I have to leave the room. I honestly don't know if I'll lose my temper or burst into tears, and I don't want to find out. So this goes out to all of you for whom Mother's Day brings painful feelings of sorrow, loss, anger, and guilt. Those are real feelings too.

In the past, in our family, Mother's Day was more a duty and responsibility than it was a pleasure. Over the years, our tradition was to gather the family at a local restaurant a few blocks from my mom's house, then do our best to make light conversation as we all tried not to notice mom's bleary eyes, her shaking hands, her awkward silences as she struggled to follow the conversation through a haze of hangover and memory loss. My mother was an alcoholic all her adult life, and despite a few half-hearted stabs at rehab, it was alcoholism that killed her. It wasn't a pretty story, it wasn't a pretty life, and it wasn't a pretty death. So Mother's Day, which for some is a painful but moving day of remembrance, isn't that either, at least not yet.

Here's the thing: I may not be able to say that my mom was a "good" mom -- her alcoholism and other demons prevented her from being many of the things she wanted to be, and I wanted her to be -- but she did the best she could. She tried really, really hard. Toward the end of her life, when I saw her almost daily, I was able, slowly and painfully, to move toward an understanding and acceptance of what she'd tried to achieve.

My mom wanted desperately to be a good mother. Raising us four girls was certainly her proudest achievement, something she valued far above her multiple degrees and early but impressive career. And if she taught me one thing, it was to value being a good mom, too.

In raising my own daughters, I've come to understand so much more about what it takes to be a mother, and all the things that can get in the way, despite our best intentions. Things don't always turn out the way we thought they would, the way we wanted them to. That could be the inscription on my mom's headstone, had she been buried, and who knows, it could be the inscription on mine, too. "Do as I say, not as I do," my mom used to say with a twinkle in her eye, and I think I can honestly say I've lived up to that. Somehow I "got" the values she was trying to show me, even as she tried and failed to live up to them herself. Will my legacy be that I was a "good" mother? I don't know yet; I don't even think my girls have the answer to that yet. But I've sure as hell tried.

Another tradition that developed over the years in my own house was a rushed "breakfast in bed," (usually consisting of scalding tea and burnt toast) before we zoomed out the door to pick up mom. This year there's no need to rush; for the first time we can linger. Maybe there will be time for the tea to cool, to make the toast properly. Perhaps my girls will even take me out to brunch. It'll be something new and different, a chance for us to focus on our relationship for a change. But it won't be a celebration. At least not this year.

What To Do When a Family Disagreement Makes Caregiving Way Harder Than It Needs To Be

Paula Spencer — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 08:00:00 -0000

There's little that's more frustrating than doing your best in a situation involving the welfare of an elder -- only to have your choices criticized or opposed by a sibling, parent, or other family member. Hello super stress.

Family disagreements are nothing new. But when you're all grown-ups, you can't slug it out in the backyard or send anybody to their room. At least, not if you plan to resolve anything. That leaves nitpicking, debating, raising voices -- or ceasing to talk to one another altogether. And when that's not productive, then what?

That's when you can try something relatively new: Elder mediation.

You might think of mediators in connection with the Middle East or high-profile corporate disputes. But many family mediators specialize in handling situations related to aging or ill relatives. They're a fast-growing subset of the mediation world.

If you're like me, the very word "mediator" may at first ring complicated – and expensive. But a closer look convinces me that elder mediators are actually one of the many unsung heroes of elder-care conundrums. They know how to get competing viewpoints aired in a constructive way and move past family dynamics (like, "once the baby, always the baby," even if you're 50-plus). Critically, they also understand the unique issues of aging.

So, 6 surprising reasons elder mediation might help:

* To slice your stress level in half.

If you're a hands-on caregiver, why waste your slim-to-nonexistent energy on bickering or defending yourself, when an independent figure with listening and problem-solving skills can become the magnet for high-running emotions? (Not to mention push family members past blame and toward a common goal.)

* To help everybody move on (whether you all end up sending birthday cards to one another or not).

Hard situations can gum up families for years. Mediators tackle toughies like charges of favoritism by a parent, step-family tangles, who should handle financial or legal affairs, or an abusive or uncaring parent who's come back in everyone's lives needing help. If everyone is willing to come to the table aiming for a solution, the odds increase that one can be found.

* To help an aging parent's wish for family harmony come true.

Parents hate knowing they're "causing anybody any trouble" and hate to be the cause of rifts. And they know when they are. Most elder mediation sessions helpfully involve the central figure, even in cases of dementia, unless they're too infirm to be able to contribute.

* To make a plan.

You don't need a Hatfield-McCoy-level feud to see a mediator. A calm, neutral forum is a great way to sort through confusing options on where an older relative should live or painful, emotionally-charged ones where nobody's sure what to do, like end of life care.

* To get far-flung families on the same page.

Ideally all the parties get together to hash out a conflict. But mediators will usually work with those who are long distance, after a starter group session or by conference call.

* To save money.

Especially these days, it can seem unreasonable to spend money solving an argument. Initial elder mediation consults are often free, then cost $150 and up per hour, varying by area. Some issues can be resolved in just a session or two, others longer. But mediating a conflict (especially over questions of guardianship or estates) avoids far more costly court battles in which a judge decides. Then there's the question of what peace of mind and moving on with your life are worth.

Ideally, families split the tab. "When parties share the cost, the investment in the process is usually greater," notes Debbie Reinberg, an elder mediator with ELDEResolutions in Denver.

You might have more luck than you think bringing sibs to the table. Mediators say that baby boomers are pretty comfortable "talking things out" and take to the idea better than their parents. But parents are more persuadable by benefits I just outlined, like financial savings.

To find a family mediator, ask a local geriatric care manager or lawyer. (Many mediators are themselves CGMs or attorneys, although the person you use should be an impartial third party to all involved.) Try for someone with a lot of experience working with elder concerns because they have training in dealing with situations that tend to be highly emotional; look for the moniker "elder mediator."