Elders Keep Falling a Secret for Fear of Losing Independence
Elders Keep Falling a Secret for Fear of Losing Independence
Last week, my kids' babysitter rushed outside yelling at me to follow. Had a child fallen off a scooter or out of the tree? Not this time. There on the sidewalk was my neighbor, an elderly woman suffering from terminal cancer. She’d collapsed while trying to take in the garbage can.
My babysitter, bless her heart, was lifting the woman up and saying soothing words in Spanish, both women's first language. The neighbor was OK. Frail and a little disoriented, but not hurt. Then her voice became urgent. Could we please not tell her daughter, with whom she lives, that she fell? Could we keep this a secret? She was worried, she said, that her daughter would move her to a nursing home or hospice, and all she really wants is to live her last days at home.
Wow. Talk about a poignant moment. I flashed back to a conversation I'd had more than a year ago with an expert on falling from the Centers from Disease Control (CDC) after the agency had released its annual fall statistics. I can’t recall this woman’s name, and have long since tossed out my notes, but she talked about the problem of elderly falls and secrecy. It’s common, she said, for seniors to hide their falls from their family for fear of losing their independence. Ironically, this secrecy makes falling more dangerous, since the dangers of falls can be greatly reduced with prevention.
(Check out these Caring.com posts on basic fall prevention, drugs that make people prone to tumbles, and high-tech prevention measures. Plus there are helpful questions you can ask seniors about a fall.)
Secret falls. Talk about a scary notion for anyone caring for an older person. Talk about a missed opportunity to take preventative action. This CDC source had some practical words of wisdom for caregivers:
- If you see a new bruise, ask for details. Be gentle and supportive, hoping for an honest talk. If your older relatives seem self-conscious or defensive -- trying to brush off or downplay the bruise -- ask about falling. Emphasize how there’s lots that can done to reduce fall dangers so they can live safely at home.
- If you see limping or painful movement, spend time getting to the bottom of it. As with bruises, if a senior downplays or denies an injury, bring up the danger of falling. Reassure the senior that many things can be done to fall-proof the house.
- If in doubt, ask the seniors' doctor to have a private talk with them about falling. Many people are more comfortable revealing their fears and weaknesses with professional experts than with family members. Doctors can actually send a physical therapist to the house to do a fall evaluation and make fall-proofing suggestions.
In an ideal world, we’d all have open and honest communication with our elders, and secrets would be out of the question. In truth, this often isn’t the case. Losing the independence of living at home is so huge, such a major sadness, that it makes sense that some people will do anything to avoid it -- even lie.
As for my neighbor, I haven’t seen her daughter since the sidewalk incident. In all honesty, when I do, I’m not at all sure what I’ll say. My babysitter says she feels the same way.
Imagine by Flickr user Marcin Wichery under a Creative Commons attribution license.
I can attest to the notion that our parents fear losing their independence. I have a 94 year old father with frontal lobe dementia and TIA's ( mini strokes) who lives at home alone on 4 acres. He has fallen several times. This week he climbed a 12 foot ladder, climbed on the roof, in the rain to clean out the gutters. Last January he had a TIA while his care-giver was with him, and never said one word about how he was feeling. An hour after she left, I called him and he was quite upset. I drove to his home. He told me that he had numbness on his right side, blurred vision, dizziness and weakness in both legs. His care-giver asked him if he wanted to go to the lake and feed the ducks. He said, "Yes". They went to the lake and he had to navigate many cement steps and a very rocky trail to where the ducks were. He told me, "I don't know how I ever did it without falling, I was so scared." I asked him if he told his care-giver how he was feeling and he said, "No, it was none of her damn business!" I took my father to the E.R and we were there for 4 hours while the doctor did tests to see if he had suffered another TIA. He had. The doctor told him he needed to be in assisted living now, and to consult with his primary care physician about living some where else. We went to his primary care physician the next day and he told Dad that if he did not go to assisted living that he needed a roommate full time at his home. Dad refused. By the way he does have the right to refuse as long as he is not conserved. I have spoked to APS on several occasions and that is what I have learned. I have also consulted with attorney's that specialize in the legal rights of seniors. All of Dad's medical providers have told him he needs a long term health care plan that he is willing to implement. As his agent for his health care, I have applied with him on his behalf to the Veteran's Home in Yountville, California. It is on 500 acres, is the best kept secret in the USA for Veteran's to live. We have made several visits there and he leaves liking the food, the friendly residents and the beauty of the grounds that are surrounded by vineyards and a 9 hole golf course they can play on M-Th without charge. It is amazing. This notion of a possible move down the road to the Veteran's Home has frightened my father and sister, who lives out of state so much that he has hired a law firm to come after me, so he can remain at his home. I had to hire an attorney just to protect myself, and at this point, have two women how check on my dad each day and stay for 2 hours. Fear and loss of control over my father's life has made his behavior change drastically. APS has visited him and will visit him again and suggest that he stop writing checks to various fraudulent companies. We have removed all of the loaded guns from the house and they are locked up at our house. It has been suggested the we remove all of the ladders from his property. We have not done that yet because he will probably purchase more ladders. My father is a maverick. I just want to keep him safe and happy. He is alone and isolated. It does not matter how good our intentions are for our parents, if they fear change, they will dig in their heals and hang on for dear life to what is familiar to them. I need to keep my health. I still have many years of life left. There is a line between letting our parent finish their journey of life where they feel safe, even if they are not safe, the law, and our desire to see to it that they are safe by providing what seems reasonable given our parents health problems. I wish all of the care-givers out there in the world the strength to know what our limitations are, and be able to say, "I will have no attachment to the outcome of anything, everything in life happens for a reason, it is what it is and it is my journey, or it is their journey". After weighing all of the facts, making sure that I am acting within the confines of the law, providing dad's "law firm" with documentation from all of his medical providers what they believe is in his best interest, I am stepping back, taking slow deep breaths and letting him finish his journey where he wants to be. I need to do this for my health. Joan Nelson