Is It Okay to "Spy" on a Relative With Suspected Dementia?
Is It Okay to "Spy" on a Relative With Suspected Dementia?
Say you notice signs of dementia in a loved one who doesn't live with you. What's the best way to get a fix on what's really going on?
"Only her hairdresser knows for sure" is the punchline of an old hair-dye commercial. It may also be a clue to deciding how your relative with suspected Alzheimer's or another dementia is truly faring.
A new study showing hairstylists are often privy to older clients' health issues reminded me of a heated family debate I once witnessed among long-distance family members over what was really going on with their mom. Alost 90, she'd been showing signs of dementia or some other cognitive trouble:
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One faction was in flat-out denial. Nothing was wrong with Mom! She still went swimming, bought groceries, made it to church most Sundays, and most importantly, assured everyone she was "fine."
One faction relied on firsthand observations. Trouble is, no one was able to visit terribly often. When they did, sure, they noticed Mom was a little forgetful. But she seemed to be managing all right (or, rather, holding it all together) in the bright glare of a brief visit. The family already handled her money and took care of household maintenance for her.
One faction –- the one that made the others angry –- started asking around. The son called Mom's best friend, admitted worry, and asked how she felt her friend was managing, living alone. He asked the neighbors if they'd noticed anything different. He asked around at the church and the pool. (He didn't ask her hairdresser, though this idea seems brilliant, when someone has a longtime stylist. Haircuts happen monthly and last long enough for some telling chatter to take place.)
The other family members were appalled at what they perceived as an invasion of privacy. They bristled at the word "dementia" being raised with non-family members. A big row ensued.
But it turned out that this approach was the catalyst to getting the mother to a safer situation. The son learned that his mother's best friend was quite worried, unsure whether to speak up, and had been urging her to see a doctor about memory lapses. The gym reported some worrisome unusual behaviors that could have financial consequences. Neighbors had noticed her dressed inappropriately for the weather. And everyone was happy, even relieved, to be asked.
That's a long story to make the point that soliciting insights from those who know someone you suspect of having signs and symptoms of Alzheimer's or another dementia can be lifesaving. It isn't spying. It isn't wrong. Behavior isn't nefarious when it's well-intentioned and loving. Especially when it moves you down the path to diagnosing Alzheimer's disease.
That's called a good deed. Alzheimer's ultimately isn't a private shame; it's a collective worry.
It has been our experience that often the elder loved one seems to rally in the presence of children. (Like they are almost on good behavior, being careful not to slip up) This often makes the dementia hard to recognize. My father covered up Mom's dementia for years. A trained Hospice nurse noticed and finally alerted me of Mom's condition. My heart goes out to anyone having to cope with a parent lost to dementia; but recognizing the symptoms is the first step. Caring.com has given me so many ideas and much needed support in dealing with my 82 year old mother. Thank you.
Sadly this article hit home with our family. I am the "terrible daughter in law" because I tried to insist my mother in law be helped because of things I was told by her neighbors and friends. My husband agrees that something should be done for her best interests...but the siblings are all in denial of course. How DARE anyone say the word dementia?! Even though there are serious tell tale signs present, she is left alone to fend for herself. The family is in such conflict that my husband and I have not communicated with the siblings for over 2 and a half years. Since the one sibling is the durable power of attorney, we just bowed out gracefully, and we hope he will step in to do the right thing...so far, he has not. So sad to see that she was ruining herself financially, and is suffering so with paranoia, delusions, and olfactory hallucinations, but we have no control. I tried speaking to alzheimers assn, her doctor, the drivers license bureau (she still drives), all to no avail. I am waiting for the "crisis" to happen to jerk these guys out of their denial, but I hope it does not cause her or someone else harm or worse. Especially since she is diabetic, and has fallen on several occaisions.