A "Sandwiched" Daughter Says Enough is Enough
By Nell Bernstein, Caring.com senior editor
Last week I wrote about the sandwich generation -- women caring for both children and elderly parents -- and a new study showing that, despite massive stresses, many suffer from "superwoman syndrome" and don't reach out for help.
That's why I was glad to hear back from a reader who had learned, the hard way, that everyone benefits when sandwiched women learn they have limits too:
When my parents moved in with us 5 years ago, I tied on my cape and proceeded to care for them, deliver my 5th child, work part-time at the church, and deliver my 6th child, while taking on another part-time job from home. Then it all came crashing down on one fateful Friday the 13th. After some good medication and months of therapy, I realized that no one can carry a burden like that alone.
So, when my mother-in-law passed away in December and my father-in-law, 86 with early dementia, needed a place to live, he came here. Having retired my cape before, I resisted the urge to dust it off and wear it again. Instead, I hired a caregiver to come and help me 4 days a week, and she has preserved my sanity. This way, I can enjoy both sides of the bun in the sandwich without feeling like the shrinking meat in the middle. --Anonymous
Hiring part-time in-home care, if you can afford it, is a great idea for lightening the load.
Next week I'll post a list of other sanity-saving suggestions for those caring for their parents at home. Please send along your own -- I bet the reader above would love to hear what has worked for you and your family. All of us would -- care giving can be a lonely business, but with so many of us in the same boat, it really doesn't need to be.
Image by Flickr user leadfoot used under the Creative Commons attribution licence.
to anyamous. i took care of my grandparents, my mom and two sisters still at home with her, and my family. whiel going threw a ivf cycle ran a small bath store that i had to give up because the stress caused me toloose one of the twins. then the baby came 7 weeks early even tho we moved i closed the store and became a sahm... while at childrens hospital (this is no joke) i had to get my grandmother in atlantic to a hospital in desmoinse by ambulance and i couldnt get to her but i managed thanks to the help of my sister whos now 25 and then whiel talking to my best friend she got a beep on the phone and her brrother had hung himself that night. and things have just kept getting worse however the baby is home now and almost 6 months old! and finally healthy! and my breakdown came last monday after being scammed for our entire paycheck for the moth and anothor friend using a gun to commit sucide. i can relate to how hard it is and they didnt even all live with me.all women need to know that as she so very well put it at some point that cape HAS TO coe off so we can breathe. i have one friend that will tell me "girl no matter what everyone else thinks your not super woman your human " loll i dont think i beleaved her until just recently. so thanks for your story it made me think.
I care for three children, work, and my aging parents. Two comments. One, you do need to set boundaries for your parents. My parents, who live next door, started coming over at all times unannounced, which they would never have done when they had all of their faculties. It was hard but I set boundaries on this, and after an adjustment period, it worked out well. Also, per the above comment, about being "care supervisors", I would caution readers that care givers usually are doing their best at a VERY difficult job. I have seen people very angry because their mom or dad fell or became ill; it isn't fair to get upset about something that could have happened no matter who is caring for them. If you have help, have high expectations but be respectful.
alright Miss Thaaaaaaang!
Next week I'll post a list of other sanity-saving suggestions for those caring for their parents at home. Please send along your own -- I bet the reader above would love to hear what has worked for you and your family. All of us would -- care giving can be a lonely business, but with so many of us in the same boat, it really doesn't need to be. Correct. It doesn't need to be. Long-term care planning is important. How important? I don’t want you to ever find out personally but imagine being forced to care for someone….you really don’t want to, you aren’t prepared to, you don’t know how to, but some where along the line you said you would, now you MUST. Almost like signing up for a marathon and you haven't even gone for a jog. Caregiving is so much more than fluffing up the pillow and bringing in tea and cookies. That’s the sad story for so many families. At least with proper planning, which may include LTC insurance, you have more money to call in the professionals for assistance. Family members can be care supervisors, not care providers.