Questions I Wish I'd Asked Mom
Is the first Mother's Day without your mother the hardest? Each gift or florist catalog in my mailbox makes me flinch. I walk faster past the card aisle at the drugstore. My mom died in December of a metastasized cancer she only knew about for 21 days, which were divided evenly between hospital and home hospice. She was 81.
What I wish I'd given her while she was still with us, during those last three weeks, was a certain kind of conversation. Not the I-love-you or we’ll-take-care-of-Dad (who has dementia) conversations. I had those. I wish I'd given her more openings to talk about her side of things. Too late, I've thought of so many questions that I avoided while we are all so busy trying to seem calm and normal about the whole abnormal, sucky thing:
- "How do you feel -- no, really?"
- "What do you think about what the doctor said?"
- "Are you scared?"
- "Are you mad?"
- "Is there anybody you want to see or talk to?"
- "Are there any special things you'd like anyone in particular to have?"
- "What was the favorite place you ever visited? The most fun thing you ever did? Your happiest time?"
There are other questions I wish I'd asked her, too, but they're selfish ones like, "Who's in all these pictures? And how do you spell all their Polish names?" Or, "Will you teach me how to sew?" But those missed opportunities don't gnaw at me the same way the unsaid talking-about-the-end questions do. Those would have been more of a gift to her, I think, an invitation to lay aside the motherly impulse to protect us and say what was in her heart. She might have resisted. Or she might have felt a kind of grateful relief.
If you've been there, are there similar questions you wish you'd asked?
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If you haven't been there yet, let me recommend this Caring.com article, Talking to Your Parent About Death: What to Say and How to Say It, which, ironically, I first read just a week too late and is one of my favorites on our site. Though it's no fun to think about that topic, it beats the fresh loss you might feel every time you realize what you didn't say or ask, when you might have.
I lost my mom on September 17 to non-alcoholic cirrhosis. I was afraid to ask her how she was feeling about dying, but I do wish I had. In part, I didn't want to dwell on it with her, because she was so full of life and wanted to live what life she had left to the fullest. We just didn't realize that when she went into the hospital with a minor infection (which they managed to clear up!) that she was going to die. I still can't believe that it's true. And I miss her so. I never realized how hard this would be.
Thanks so much for sharing a photo with your mom! That's beautiful. My mom passed away right before Mother's day last year. I just hated all the cards and completely identified with you. This year I don't really know how it will be. Feelings are like the weather, they keep coming up and then blowing over - I never know what's next regardless of the forecast. Thanks again for your post!
My Mother died of ovarian cancer in 1994. WE spend many years rasinign young children anc caring in home for elders. I too, dislike the display of Mothers Day cards. I graciously recieve them from my own children, but they bring me to tears in stores and I avoid them like the plague. You don't really appreciate your Mother until she is gone. Before my mother died, I had the opportunity to have those frank discsssions with her about pain and her end of life wishes. She was a strong snd determined woman and died as she wished. I wish I could have learned more about her as a young woman,: what her life was before she married - who she first fell in love with I also wish I could just talk to her about my own trocky road - good and bad - as a Mom to two teenage girls. As we approach this Mothers Day we are once again battling cancer; my oldest sister is at this moment determining if she wants to discontinue chemo. My next task is determining how we can juggle out of town care and hospice....... So Happy Mothers Day to us all - life just keeps on coming.... and we can just do our best to carry on as our Mom's taught us.