Caregiving Stress Buster: Your Top 10 Pet Peeves
Caregiving Stress Buster: Your Top 10 Pet Peeves
Here's an unexpected cure for caregiver stress: Complain about it. Yes, go ahead and dwell. Vent. Gripe. Grouse. What drives you crazy? Make a list of your top 10 pet peeves and see if it doesn't give a twinge of satisfaction to get them out and corral 'em in one place.
The most common pet peeves about eldercare (and the stress of eldercare!) probably look a little different for every caregiver. What's important: Giving yourself permission to have such a list in the first place!
"It's the little things that get to me," one stressed-out caregiver admitted to me recently (thus inspiring this list). Like, of all surprising things, not being able to cook the way she used to. Since her dad moved in, she's had to simplify recipes (he doesn't like mushrooms, onions, green peppers, most other vegetables, fish, pasta, or salads). She must season less (he can't have salt and doesn't like spices). She's even learned to cook the meat-and-potatoes dishes he loves – and she's a vegetarian!
No wonder it drives her crazy! Here are some of my pet peeves about eldercare – as of today, anyway:
1. Professionals who address me, rather than the patient.
I can accompany my parent as a helper (and I take the notes) but hello! Dad's an adult! Even someone with dementia deserves to be talked to directly in the presence of a doctor, nurse, aide, podiatrist, etc., at least until the person has reached a totally unresponsive phase of the disease (and even then I can think of exceptions, such as when being bathed or fed).
2. Being left out of the information chain.
I come from a big family. And we're scattered across many states. Most of the time we've had a remarkable system of communication. In times of crisis, though, who-knows-what-when has sometimes depended on who was there at the time or who happened to call in, or who remembered to follow up with whom. Not usually anybody's "fault," but I hate it when I'm the last to know.
3. Bedsores.
They're intimidating! Few things ever made me feel as helpless as waging war against broken-down skin. I know there are lots of ways to avoid bedsores and how important they are. But when you're not a skilled nurse, prevention and tending feel especially awkward. And bedsores sure can sneak up on you -- and wreak havoc.
4. Turf wars in nursing homes.
I understand that every workplace carries its own "office politics." But when resentment in the form of griping or muttering is visible to family members because one department doesn't like the opinion or advice of another (or of an outside consultant), it's just inappropriate.
5. Disasters with crummy timing.
I hate all disasters, obviously. But it sure seems like a lot of them happen at really inopportune times…like your mom being diagnosed with cancer the day before you're supposed to leave on a five-city press tour that will pay a lot of bills, or her entering hospice two weeks before Christmas. (Okay, not "your" mom, my mom.) There's Dad's urinary tract infection diagnosed right before you were returning home from a visit, or the major surgery requiring you to drop everything and be there. Of course you do what must be done. And it's not like there's a good time for a disaster. Still….
6. Dry shampoo.
My mom swore it worked but it always felt icky to me. Messing with water to wash hair bedside seemed like more hassle but with far better payoff!
7. Having to move slowly, be patient, and build in time for bathroom breaks.
Walking really slowly hurts my back, and answering the same question over and over and over demands a patience I outgrew once my youngest child left her preschool years behind. I know that I should be experienced at adjusting my pace to a needier human being's…so why aren't I better at it? (I suppose my real pet peeve here is my own failure to be graceful about the need to slow down!)
8. Not being sent pictures or memorabilia when promised.
Don't you hate it when people mention some old photo, book, movie, or childhood item that they think the ill person would enjoy, but then they don't follow up? Or they snap photos from a visit but never send them along? (Pet peeves don't all have to carry equal weight; even tiny grievances can irritate, like a pebble in a shoe!)
9. Being ignored by the very person you're trying to help.
You can lead a horse (or a mother) to water, or to helpful suggestions, but….
10. The very word "eldercare."
I know my parents are my elders. All of us are someone's elders. But somehow that word always sticks in my craw (even though I use it constantly, for lack of a better one). It's loving, yet it carries tinges of decrepitude that don't quite match my dad's sparkle, even as he fades away before my very eyes, or my mom's heartiness before the final weeks of her life. Maybe it's not as annoying as certain unfortunate, infantilizing words ("adult diaper" or "adult day care" come to mind) but it makes my pet peeve list because I wish the English language had a more perfect descriptor for this new world of caring and concern so many of us are finding ourselves in.
I'm open to suggestions – and to hearing your own pet peeves. Go ahead and share/shed some of your caregiving stress pet peeves. (And no, you're not limited to only 10!)
Anonymous with hearing impaired issue: THAT IS ONE OF THE WORST! Both my parents live with my husband and me, and we have to practically yell all the time. And of course, the television is on super-volume. My particular favorite is the afternoon opera session--sure hope the neighbors enjoy it. Both my husband and I have started to realize that we keep doing the "loud thing" even after we leave the house. We were in a restaurant the other night, and a guy came over from THREE tables away and said, "Please don't think I was eavesdropping, but I happened to overhear you mention . . ." We're still laughing about that one. Just grateful we weren't saying anything nasty at the time!
not myself has received 1 hug for this comment
Hugs AnnieFanny@broadweave.net
Including other family members in the decision making is waht stress's me the most. I have POA, but try to get the opinons of everyone involved in caring for our Mother. Its not always easy and never pleasant! For instance --- I may have to move our Mother from the facility she's in now, to an Alzheimer's Lock-down facility. Some think its a great place. Some want to take Mother home with them (even though they're not capable of taking care of themselves), and some want to move her to a different facility! I get hate mail and siblings hanging up on me! There is no happiness. I just want to do what I feel is best for our Mom. It shouldn't be so hard!
My mother is 89 years old. She has lived with me in some fashion (my apartment when I was single) with my husband and me for the past 9 years.) I have taken care of her through a broken shoulder, two broken hips (separate times) and two broken wrists (broken at the same time). She has osteoporsis. She was diagnosed with breast cancer at 85 (came through like a trooper); developed congestive heart failure at 86 (she started to slow down a little, but was still able to get around) and she had a stroke this past spring. This stroke has left my mom pretty much wheelchair bound (she can walk small distances) and she has developed dementia. My living room is now her bedroom with a wheelchair, walker, potty chair and bed taking up residence. This is the hardest thing I have ever done and I know I am suffering from burnout and am distressed. I have never really had a life of my own without worrying in some fashion about my mom and now I pretty much have no life. My husband tries to get me out for a few hours on the weekends we have an aide but sometimes it is just too much work to try to figure out how to have "fun" in hours... I am just worn out I guess... Thanks for listening.
My pet peeves: >Having to go through endless voicemail hell and long holds to talk to my parents' doctor's advice nurse--and I never ever get to talk to the doctor. >Having Dad call me all the time, even at 1 a.m., for no special reason, and sometimes leaving voicemail messages marked "urgent." >My parents' horrendously overheated house. >Two completely deaf parents! Even a hearing-enhanced phone doesn't help. >Dealing with establishing power of attorney agency by agency, bank by bank, etc.--what a bureaucratic nightmare. Worst of the worst: Medicare. No, the V.A. >Trying to figure out how to help a person read a book if he can't even sit up in bed, can't manage the weight of a book or book-holding device on his chest or stomach, can't see the print if the book's too far away...
Magster, Just thank goodness we don't live together! Can you imagine the concert we would be subject to everyday! I would punch my eardrums out!
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Hugs Magster
I guess I never realized how selfish my mom is and always has been though it's gotten worse. My mom lives with me and all I ask from her is $400 per month to help pay for her care. I pay for everything except her expensive creams and oils that I couldn't afford but she gets to have. That's okay but don't make me beg each month for that money. Lately it seems she's decided I am stealing from her and though I should have seen this coming as she has claimed my sister and 2 of my nieces have stolen from her, it hurts deeply. Though this sounds silly, my biggest pet peeve? She whistles and sings constantly and there's no tune. It makes me nuts...I have asked her to, "stop whistlin or get a tune". As soon as the words come out I feel so bad...I try to remember how fortunate I am to have her with me. I try!
Magster has received 2 hugs for this comment
Hugs SoonerJohn, SoonerJohn
It frustrates me that my mother doesn't want to be clean. I can only get her to take a shower once a week and that is always a hassle because she doesn't want one. She also doesn't want me to wash her clothes. She would wear the same thing forever if I didn't take them and wash them. My mother is 89 and lives with me for almost 5 years, now. She has some dementia and COPD.
Pr0sperity has received 1 hug for this comment
Hugs not myself
My mom is 95, no memory loss or dementia,just frail and needs help with ADLs. She has an extremely annoying habit of what I call "moaning and groaning" little noises and wheezes that sound like she's in pain or short of breath. She's not even aware of doing it, if I ask what's wrong, she says "Nothing" It annoys me so much, I have to clench my hands and teeth to keep from screaming at her "Stop making those stupid noises!!"
sop832 has received 2 hugs for this comment
Hugs Magster, not myself
I find it poignant that you can comment about your mother sharing, laughing, crying...My mother's affect is so flat that one of the first things I noticed when I came to care for her in June (four months ago) was that now she no longer smiles or laughs, does not care about conversations going on around her (at least she never participates in conversations)and seems to care more about taking her many medications four times a day than eating anything I have prepared. If it weren't for my father here to help, she would have stopped eating entirely two months ago.
SoonerJohn: Your 1st peeve brings up a great & complicated topic, and as for your 2nd -- no, not selfish! See a later post I just wrote on that topic. Everybody deserves solo time. But yes, finding it is the pickle. She sounds lucky to have you.
Great listing of pet peeves. One that is not listed is the lack of appreciation for the huge amount of work being a caregiver is, even when the person being cared for does not live with the caregiver.
You are right in that every caregiver's role is somewhat different. I am the caregiver for my wife. I have two peeves, at the moment :-), one is that my wife has not yet acknowledged that I am her caregiver, and 2nd is that I have very little time for myself. The latter sounds selfish but it is true. Actually I am fortunate in that her mind is still there. She just cannot walk or get completely dressed by herself. We are very lucky that I am retired and have the time for her. Things could be a great deal worse and I know it.
My mom's squeaky wheelchair, how do you oil sealed bearings?
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Hugs SoonerJohn
I am so grateful that Mom took the time to make decisions in advance, and took care of her advance directive, power of attorney, and all that. What really annoys me is when the bank, insurance, government agencies etc that I have to deal with, all have different rules and procedures that make taking care of financial details more difficult. Mom's bank won't accept the POA she did in advance; they want it on thier own form. She stopped being able to talk,walk, etc over 2 yrs ago, but I still can't close out her credit card account. I walked into the local social security office, and with just my ID and say-so, they made me her rep-payee. But I still can't get a copy of her original card - that she has to sign for herself. I can't switch her medicare advantage plan when we moved her to a new long-term care facility - but the rep at the facilty can do this, at my request, no questions asked. This part of caregiving really could be streamlined if all these agencies and businesses followed the same rules.
I smiled when I read these. I call my Mother (girlfriend) because when I call her Mother, she says I have no children. I used to mind but not any more. I think I have come a long way since the start of Mothers adventure. Some days still get to me though. She has mellowed the last few years as her dementia progresses. We are sharing, laughing, crying and all that comes with this stage. Only thing that gets me now is lack of sleep!