12 Signs of an Over-Involved Caregiver
By Paula Spencer Scott, Caring.com senior editor
Image by kevindooley used under the creative commons attribution license.
Can a person "care too much?" Perhaps not emotionally -- hearts are pretty boundless -- but in practical terms, definitely, yes. It is possible to do too much for the person you look after.
Obviously, aging relatives need lots of assistance, and more in some situations than others. Providing help is both necessary and good -- even lifesaving. But sometimes well-intentioned caregivers overdo the role without realizing it.
Net result: Three not-so-great things:
- You hurt yourself by becoming at risk for chronic stress, burnout, or ill health from not taking good care of yourself
- The rest of your life suffers: A spouse grows resentful and distant, you're less attentive or fall behind at work, your child feels neglected, your friends think you've dropped off the planet.
- The person on whose behalf you're working so tirelessly also is negatively affected. He or she may feel resentment over what's perceived as invasiveness, may become depressed over a lack of control in his or her life, or may develop "learned helplessness" and mental and physical skills suffer from lack of practice.
How do you know when you've crossed the line from good intentions to brink-of-backfiring? Every situation is different, but the following clues can give you some idea:
- You handle all the details of the person's life so effectively that they complain of feeling "bored" and having "nothing to do."
- You're regularly in doctors' offices – but they're the doctors of the person you look after. You can't remember the last time you had a check-up of your own.
- You can't remember the last time you took a "day off" -- that is a day in which you left the house, left your everyday life, and did not do the majority of caregiving yourself.
- Pretty much your main hobby is eldercare.
- You prepare all the meals, even though the person could do some of the prep work or cooking – even if it took longer or wasn't done quite the way you'd prefer.
- You'll drop everything to take a call from Mom or Dad multiple times a day and then resist bringing the conversation to a close once you realize it's not an emergency.
- You have more fixed appointments in your weekly calendar for the person you take care of than just for you --i.e. no lunch dates, standing walks with a friend, visits to a gym.
- You've never even checked into eldercare resources in your area – just to see what kinds of programs and services are out there. (Transportation? Meal delivery? Adult day classes?)
- You offer to do things for others reflexively -- but you'd really never think of asking someone to do something very specific for you.
- You cater to the person's special diet needs (low salt, for example) but don't pay any special attention to your own nutrition.
- The last time you took a vacation was before the last election cycle began.
- A friend or relative slips and calls you a "control freak." It may sting, but before you get too insulted, ask why. They might just have a point.
I recently retired to stay home and become the caregiver of my husband of 54 years. The comments from all of you helped me to make my decision. My guilt about not being here is gone and what time we do have is now very precious. My energy has increased and we manage to stay busy. I garden and he carries the tools. We walk daily which he loves ( slow but sure) and he seem to be gaining strength in his legs. Mostly we just laugh and he naps a lot. becasue he is more relaxed, not agitated. He still goes to day care one day a week for the social connections. Thanks for all the input I received. It really helped me.
I do feel bogged down at times , but I am so grateful for those friends who call to chat. I always try to take that time off: turn off the stove or whatever: sit and chat for as long as possible...even at night. I regard this as time off and consciously relax during this time. I am the sole caregiver so I am responsible 24 hours a day.For now it is tolerable. Also I retire to my garden as soon as my charge falls asleep and enjoy doing stuff. Then when he awakes I sit him in this garden and continue for as long as he can. Every day I plan a meal which I can also enjoy..even if I have to blend or chop some of it for him. None of these replace a day off completely, and maybe someday I will get one, but meanwhile I can live with these small increments.
In my case, w/ my Mom being the "overinvolved" caregiver for my 99 year old grandmother (w/ Stage 7 Alzheimers); to the detriment of her health and family relationships; the article would have been more helpful if it provided some suggestions/tips on how to cope with someone who is pyschologically/emotionally entwined with her "patient". Personally, I have somewhat distanced myself from the situation, b/c it has been detrimental to my mental/emotional health. MY Mom has been overinvolved; my aunt has been underinvolved and there is no "back=up" plan for when my Mom becomes too ill (and that dat will come) to care for my grandmother. Both siblings refuse to place my grandmother is a nursing home/care facility. Thanks for letting me vent:))
a lot of the things in this article were true for me i moved here to care for my mom although ive been here a year i dont have any friends here i dont go out i dont do anything but cook, clean, handle bills and other matters for my mom and dr. visits ive realized i have no life outside moms house i dont even date anymore im not happy but i know i have to be here to help my mom
Just knowing that there "is" such a thing as doing too much. That's why I feel like I'm losing it. When I'm not doing something for my folks, I'm worrying about one or the other or both.
Realization that some of the things I have done (before Bob went to the rehab/nursing home) were too controlling. It gradually happened; Bob became so dependent on me that he is having major problems adjusting to only seeing me once a week. (with the price of gas and distance I cannot visit except on the weekend). It gradually happened that I just took over scheduling what/when we ate, when we went out in the car, etc. I did not think about taking a trip because it was too awkward (in my opinion) and never discussed.
I own a senior care home and I see so much in the alz. Life. I have so much to offer those who are going through the stages with a loved one.
It's difficult to connect with the idea of giving too much when it's your husband of over 50 years who treated this caregiver like a princess. We suffererd ups and downs like most people but we became closer and always supported each other. My husband always did the dishes but now can barely stand. He did the laundry and shopping. Now he feels lost, sad and frightened. I hold his hand and tell him I love him and cry endlessly. I do have help to the tune of 40 hours per week. I have good friends but no family in sight.
Prayers Verona
As a healthcare provider, I've seen many spouses or adult children that got either physically injured, or totally stressed out because they felt guilty to have a life for themselves also. I will direct those people to this website. Thanks.
Slow but steady baby steps are often the easiest on everybody but being candid and clear about your needs tends to be a good idea too, where possible...interesting to hear what has worked for others--
The interestng question here is if you're over-involved, how do you take a step back and create a new expectation for the person you're providing care for?