Ladies, Is a Grouchy Patient with Cancer or Another Illness Making You Miserable?
By Melanie Haiken, Caring.com senior editor
If so, you have plenty of company. Generally speaking, men don't handle illness well. Psychologists have lots of theories on this topic, having to do with men needing to be in control and all that, but when it comes right down to it, all we need to talk about here is the fact that many men make lousy, grouchy, and often ungrateful patients. And cancer, with it's complexities of understanding and treatments that can be almost as hard to endure as the disease, is not going to bring out the best in most people to begin with.
So when a man in your life has cancer, and you're running around and trying to understand medical-ese and dealing with doctors and cooking tempting meals and he's being - well, let's say it -- plain old mean -- what do you do? It's awfully hard to take. We're doing this out of love - is it too much to ask to feel loved while we do it?
This has been a hot topic among Caring.com members in recent weeks, and I've been happy to see the solace that women in this situation have been able to find by talking to others and discovering they're not alone. If you're taking care of someone with cancer or another illness who's cranky, snappish, or downright insulting, I'd suggest sharing with others here on our boards, or finding a local caregivers support group where you can talk about your feelings. Taking care of who's sick is hard enough -- doing so while being treated badly can be downright unbearable.
One reason it helps to share is that it makes it clear this is a widespread phenomenon. It's easy to feel like this is about you and your relationship. And that can really, really hurt. But would it help to know it might be more about the man you're taking care of hating being sick, hating being old, hating not being able to do things for himself? He's acting angry, frustrated and resentful, but maybe it's not you he feels that way about -- maybe it's the cancer or other illness itself he's angry at.
It's a fact that many men have difficulty handling the process of illness itself - the doctor visits, the jabs, the tests, the waiting rooms, the general poking and prodding. In an article aptly titled "Why Men are Babies" in Men's Health magazine, doctor T.E. Holt writes that men are such poor patients that they die in midlife in much greater numbers than women simply because they're so reluctant to see doctors and submit to screening tests that they don't.
There are also those who'd argue that this problem isn't limited to men who are ill. Author Jed Diamond hit the jackpot last year with a book called Irritable Male Syndrome. In it, he argues that midlife hormone changes can cause men to become depressed, irritable, and aggressive in ways that can make the women in their lives truly miserable. He provides lots of information and advice, some of it helpful, some not. But if you're taking care of a man in his 40s, 50s, or 60s and it seems like a mean, disrespectful person has appeared in place of the sweet, caring man you remember, you may find Diamond's perspective helpful.
Hearing other people's stories is one more way not to feel so alone.
I will check out the book. But, honestly, my husband has Always been agressive. He has told stories, (making them sound funny) in the past about "fighting back to back with his best frind, who was an ex-cop from Boston, in barrooms. He has always been in-charge on the job and used to manage to get up and go to work with his bloodsugar in the 600 range. He has never accepted anyone who cannot do what he is able of. He truly is Hard headed. Yeah, it's a pun but also literally true. He has had numerous accidents where he was hit in the had and never had a problem. Not even a headache. A beam fell from about 25ft and hit him right smack on top of his head. He laughed about it then. When his car slammed into this huge oak tree at least going 60mph he hit the airbag and his nose, and rt eye brow bone were fractured. They expected brain trauma and could find none. No swelling - nada. He has now started losing teeth (a couple were knocked out then) but dental issues may be due to lack of proper hygene after accident and leaching of calcium caused by methadone pain mgmt. He did suffer over 19 other broken bones but no internal damage then. His rt pelvis shattered and was rebuilt with an "erector set" looking metal. Left leg has a rod, rt arm has metal, a finger in full of tiny screws, 4 broken ribs. He came home after 3 mos and couldn't walk up a step. He fell and must have punctured his left lung. It collasped with blood pressing on it in that area. So that had to be partially removed. Later, he had knee surgery, and then a hip replacment on the side of the shattered pelvis. He was in rehab after surgery, doing well and then we found a black spot on his heel. The rehab was stopped while the wound care center treated this which was actually a hole that had developed going into his heel by about an inch deep and as large as a nickle. He still wasn't too bad. But this last yr he has just been impossible. I have cleaned, dressed wounds, gived IV antibiotics (cellulitis before accident) and transported with him shouting intructions on how to drive EVERY TIME WE R IN THE CAR. I never park correctly - from way back, according to him. Funny thing, I havn't had an accident. I am a very good driver. (My father drove for Nascar.) This man is resentful, angry, irritable doesn't do justice to his attitude. But, if I had hit a tree, he would be out working. Would he stay with me under the same circumstances? Who knows?!? I am 10 yrs younger. In the 5 yrs since his illnesses and accident, I have aged so much. I was diagnosed with chronic severe depression and pain syndrone 6 mos after his accident. I am going through menopause with no medical help cause we can't afford insurance for me. I need dental work desparately and last summer I developed thickness under my armpits that has not gone away. I have been having severe hot sweats 24/7. Now - One hour ago, he yelled in a way he ALWAYS has (in a way you have to see and hear to imagine - he is built like a bull - so he bellows. ) at me cause I told him my left hand was totally numb and I have pain in my rt neck and back. He said, "I'll take care of you! I'll call 911 and then I'll come pick you up when they call to say there is nothing wrong with you!" Than he added "Just ask your kids! All you do is sleep! You have slept for the past 15 yrs!" Those are direct quotes. I left the room. My 24 yr old daughter wants me to leave him. She says I have done all I can and he is just an angry misserable old man. She wants me to see a doctor - so do I. My hope is to find some peace. Get some treatment somehow get my teeth repaired. Get fit again. Go and find work doing what I did before - when we met. I was a Financial Analyst for a Co. with assets 1 bil plus. I reported directly to the CFO and CEO. My reports were presented at monthly board room meetings and used for future decision making. Thats all forgotton. In 1989 my salary was $37,000. I do have something to offer society, I must... I am so lost, sad, conflicted, tearful, miserable and still hopeful. I really need a friend. I give thanks to anyone who waded through what I have written. Just putting it down in writing is a 1st step. I'm just uncertain what direction to go from here.
Hugs VictoryMoon
Prayers vivinice123
Thanks for mentioning my book, The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Aggression and Depression. My new book, Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship from the Irritable Male Syndrome will be out in May. Visit me at www.MenAlive.com to subscribe to my free e-newsletter.