How to Find a Doctor Who Listens - and Cares


Last updated: May 06, 2010
Slightly confusing signs
Image by Dano used under the creative commons attribution license.

After last week's post on how to break up with your doctor, I received numerous comments and e-mails sharing heartbreaking stories and asking an important follow-up question:

How do I find a good doctor who listens to me, respects my participation as a patient or as a caregiver, and takes a proactive role in caring for my health or the health of my loved one?

Most articles on this subject cover the basics of cost and convenience, so we'll breeze over those. Of course you need to find a doctor whose office is convenient, who's covered in your insurance network or accepts Medicare or Medicaid if you're on it, and who's affiliated with the local hospital you prefer to use.

But there's much much more to it than that. What we want most of all is a doctor who listens, respects what we have to say, and works with us to provide the care that we want. In other words we want someone who realizes that the doctor-patient relationship is a two-way communication channel.

It may seem like a small thing, but surveys show that we also want doctors who aren't in a horrendous rush, who will take a few extra minutes when needed to explain something we don't understand or listen when we describe a complex series of symptoms.

So here are my tips for finding and choosing a truly great doctor.

1. Cast a wide net asking for referrals.
Of course we can ask our family and friends to recommend doctors, but that often doesn't go far enough because they may not have the same insurance or the same health needs. What works better is to use internet bulletin boards and other services to search for a doctor that fulfills your requirements. When my Dad got cancer, for example, I posted on a community bulletin board we have here in the Bay Area asking if anyone could recommend a great oncologist who would be flexible and understanding about my dad's desire to incorporate alternative treatments in his care. Sure enough, I found one who proved to be invaluable; he even referred us to an alternative practitioner who specialized in guided visualizations for cancer patients.

2. Work with the doctors you already know.
You can also work through the doctors you already use for other aspects of your care. For example, if you have an Ob/Gyn you love, ask her which GPs she likes. If your doctor is reluctant to voice opinions about her colleagues, find diplomatic ways to work around that. You might ask, "which doctors do you most often refer patients to?" Or you might say, "I'm considering doctors A, B, and C as my primary care physicians; do you have an opinion?" That leaves your doctor room to say something like "Well, they're all great, but I think Doctor B is someone you'd work well with." And, if, in the course of being treated for various ailments, you find a doctor you really like, don't hesitate to ask if he or she is available as a primary care physician. This is often the most straightforward solution, because you've already "clicked."

Make a "short list".
Once you have a name, don't stop there. Treat the search for a good doctor the way you'd treat the search for a good childcare provider or home care nurse. Get three or four referrals, then call their offices and set up interviews either in person (preferable) or over the phone.

Get around the "not taking new patients" problem.
Many doctors' staff are trained to say this automatically, and this is the response you'll likely hear if you call cold. Instead, make use of any connection you have, even if it's a stretch. If you were referred by a friend who's a patient, use her name. If possible, use another doctor's name, as in "I see Dr. Jones for my back pain and he suggested you as a primary care physician who's experienced with back pain." Yes, flattery has been known to open doors in this situation.

Ask these five questions:
1. How long do you typically spend with patients?
2. How do you feel if a patient brings in articles, studies, or other materials that suggest a certain test or treatment?
3. How do you handle requests for additional tests and diagnostic tools beyond the standard ones? (In this case, it helps to give an example relevant to your own situation. You might say "My mom's had breathing difficulties and I'm wondering what tests you'd recommend beyond blood gas and oxygen." If possible, choose a health area that you're already familiar with, so you'll know if the doctor's suggestions are going as far as you'd like.
4. How do you handle it when patients balk at using a certain drug or treatment?
5. Are you comfortable working with patients who use alternative treatments such as massage, acupuncture, and nutritional supplements?

Put the caregiver issue squarely on the table.
It's ridiculous how hard it can be to be the "third wheel" in the doctor-patient relationship when the patient is a parent or other family member and you're trying to make sure they get the care they need. When interviewing prospective doctors, ask them how well they work with family members in caregiver situations. Get specific; are they willing to take your calls, answer your questions, take your input into account?

Your relationship to your parent's doctor will be different depending on if you have a medical power of attorney or HIPAA privileges to help you gain access to your family member's health information, but either way it's important to assess whether the doctor is comfortable with the more complex decision-making that can go on when an elderly family member says one thing and a family caregiver offers a different opinion.

If you have suggestions or tips on how to find a good doctor for yourself or an aging family member, please share them. We'd love to hear them!

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11 Comments So Far. Add Your Wisdom.

9 months ago

I am new to the area and really need to find a doc. that is kind and patient, I was hit by a train and have a lot of hardwear in me, needless to say I take pain meds as well.. (only One kind) I hate the fact that the people out there that are abusing these meds are making it hard for us who need to take them on a reg basis are being chastised. I am on medicare and Medicaid and unitedhealthcare del complete.. anyone one out there who knows of a great doc? or any Docs seeing this. please feel free to contact me thanks for letting me vent


Anonymous said over 2 years ago

thinks sir your topic is so effective and very helpful. your topic "How to Find a Doctor Who Listens - and Cares" is very effective and i like this. We are also provided the Private Medical Insurance services. For more private health insurance cover so go over site http://pmi-4u.co.uk/


about 3 years ago

Great subject. My mother had emphysema and would not leave her doctor of 20+ years even though I could see she would not survive under his care. My brother actually found a DO (Osteopath) who was very unlike the MDs who seemed arrogant. This guy listened and spent more time in one visit with my mom than my mother's trusted doctor had in over a year. Dr. Coleman in Ormond Beach, FL is truly a gift from God! After seeing Dr. Coleman my mother had no problem when we did not return to the old doctor.


over 3 years ago

Well Caregivers can also help a patient in helping your parents in daily routine work. If they are suffering from severe disease or they are recovering from some surgery.Professional caregivers really helps patients in their daily house hold work.Well I know company named homecareplus based in ireland which provides home care services at their best.


about 4 years ago

I switched last year after being really sick and having a primary who would not listen to the specialists he was sending me to. I am doing better thanks to a DR taht spends time asking and snswering questions and is more tehn willing to call the specialists when i am right there if he is unsure about anything. He also takes the time to understand the effects of having a lifethreatening chronic illness has on my spouse and kids at age 40. More need to be like him.


Anonymous said about 4 years ago

I am lucky, I have great primary care Doctor, The trick is be patient and not upset if she is running late, treat her like a person, ask questions, suggest options that may not be as drastic to try first. She is always willing to listen, I am lucky all my docs are great. It is a give and take, I will miss all my health care givers when I move.


about 4 years ago

Yes, nurses are a great reservoir of opinion about doctors. However, keep in mind, that a nurse actually on duty in a hospital can get into trouble by the very physicians on your list if she or he is overheard recommending or un-recommending one of them. THey have to be very careful. A good question is: Which of these physicians would you take your parents to see. A nurse must be careful to NOT say "I wouldn't take my dog to this doctor." She/he can get sued.


about 4 years ago

Typo -- TWO losers. Sorry


about 4 years ago

Took me tow "losers" before I found my present doctor. She is great. She listens!


about 4 years ago

This is such a great piece of advice! I wouldn't have thought of this and so appreciate your suggestion. You're right, I've always found nurses to be a great source of information and opinions, and they're usually dead right. What a smart way to reach out to the nurses; just show up and ask!


about 4 years ago

I found a great doctor for my mom and dad when I moved them near me. I hadn't had much medical care myself and didn't have a clue about local docs who were good with seniors. I think hospital nurses know which docs are good and which docs aren't because they see them every day, so I would generally trust their recommendations or use them as a first point of reference. So I took the list of approved doctors in my parents' PPO to my local hospital. I went to the general medical floor and to the nurses' station. I corralled the first nurse I saw and asked her for recommendations. At first she was hesitant to give me any kind of information, but another nurse came over and when she heard what I wanted, she started to tell me which docs on the list were good and which ones she "wouldn't take her dog to". I soon had several nurses giving me their recommendations and information. I took that short list and found a great doc that has served my parents well since 2002. I would try that method again in a heartbeat. You may find nurses hesitant at first, but if you tell them it's for your elderly parent(s), they'll probably help you.


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