How to Care for Someone Who Has Cancer - AND a Negative Attitude
By Melanie Haiken, Caring.com senior editor
The first conversation I had about this took place in the hall outside the chemo room - and was conducted in whispers. I had stepped outside to take a few deep breaths, because it was so hard to see my friend discouraged and in pain, and I didn't know how to help. Another woman approached me; I'd heard her husband dressing down the nurses and fretting about how they were putting the IV in wrong. She said he was constantly complaining and talking about stopping chemo and giving up on treatment and she didn't know how to encourage him any more. She was frustrated and discouraged herself. But mainly she was exhausted from trying to be his "champion" when it was beginning to seem like he didn't have the will to champion himself.
How do we handle all the fear, anger, sadness, and discouragement that often come with a cancer diagnosis? How do we take care of those we love, cheer them on, care for them, keep them on track with their treatment, when they themselves are on the verge of giving up?
First off, it's important to realize that depression and cancer often go hand in hand. Depression often starts with a "trigger," and what bigger trigger is there than having death staring you in the face? If you feel that the person your caring for is struggling with depression, it's important to talk about it. It's also important to talk to his doctor about it, if he's unwilling to do so himself. Depression is treatable, and many experts believe that taking a low dose of antidepressants can help with many of the other problems that accompany cancer, such as anxiety and insomnia. In some cases, a doctor can even prescribe an antidepressant without directly saying to the cancer patient, "you have depression" if it's a touchy subject. So do try to get some help; you'll be glad you did later, even if it's hard to broach in the moment.
Second, take care of yourself and pay attention to the stress you're under. A certain amount of negativity, sorrow, and plain old grumpiness is pretty much par for the course for anyone dealing with cancer. The course of cancer treatment frequently involves so many ups and downs that there are bound to be days when discouragement takes over. But since you're the one tasked with "cheering up" the patient and keeping things moving along, the stress can be enormous. And that stress, in turn, can trigger depression in caregivers, as well. Get out when you can and meet up with folks who can cheer you up - you need a chance to unload and recharge too.
Last, try at all costs to avoid guilt. It's horrible to see a loved one in a painful situation, and you naturally want to do all you can to relieve his suffering. But nothing that's happened is your fault. And guilt is what many experts call a "toxic" emotion -- it does absolutely no good and just compounds all the bad stuff. A mantra that's gotten me through many difficult caregiving situations: "I'm doing the best I can." Try it: Not only does it make you feel much better -- it's the truth.
I know every little bit you do for someone that's ill goes a long way, like driving them to the treatments, or cooking a meal or two, maybe helping with the kids. Having faith and prayer helps too! Have you read the poem "Footprints In The Sand"? It's one of my favorite poems of faith! Recently I designed this cup for my friend who's battling cancer which expresses the promise that God will carry her through this terrible time. I liked the cup so much, I decided to make more and offer them on my Etsy store. It's the perfect inspirational gift for someone you're taking care of and love. http://www.etsy.com/shop/mirandagould
...9:15 AM EST...yeah right..."beckiecann"...you need to identify yourself if you're going to play "pretend doctor"...while you're telling cancer patients and/or their relations you have "something far worse than cancer" to justify your rambling. As you say, you "don't have cancer", so you need to get off this blog and a see a "Gulf War" shrink, because I suspect you're enjoying your "Gulf War Illness" a little too much...J.B. 6/20/09
I shuddered as I read this blog. I don't have cancer. I have something far worse - Gulf War Illness. The "depression" is an effect of the destruction taking place at the cellular level by both chemo and cancer. Anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds will absolutely aggravate symptoms of fatigue and irritability. Anti-depressants depress the immune system so much by making the cancer patient more prone to opportunistic infections, fungal overgrowth, and bacterial infections of the intestine. And if a chemo patient is suffering insomnia, it means their adrenals are bad shape. They are not producing sufficient levels of cortisol, which is produced only during deep sleep. Most sleep medications do not sedate sick people long enough to provide deep, refreshing sleep, much less produce sufficient cortisol. Exhaustion sleep or debilitating chronic fatigue that chemo triggers is hardly ever refreshing. For Gulf War Illness, I rely on several adrenal hormones - bio-identical or nutriceuticals - to pick me up off the bottom of the well, face-down in the mud. As far as I can tell, I have never been clinically depressed. The biomarkers for depressed people is over-production of cortisol. They usually have belly fat from being stressed, producing too much cortisol. You don't see that on cancer patients. Also, a much better way to beat cancer is by IV infusion therapy of Vit C or extremely diluted H2O2 (pharmaceutical grade hydrogen peroxide) in a small bag of dextrose. Anyone whose system is being depleted by disease should always consider the Myer's Cocktail IV infusion therapy. It replenishes minerals and nutrients at the cellular level, where chemo strips the system at a cellular level. Irritability may also be hormone imbalance, especially if losing weight and losing hair. A very, very good adrenal-pituitary supplement is Pregnenalone. You can not take so much of it that it is dangerous. The best kind is sublingual tablets you can find a natural foods market or pharmacy. The tablets dissolve under the tongue, by-pass blood-brain barrier and provide instant relief. Grumpiness is instantly gone. For me, Pregnenalone relieves mid-back pain of adrenal inflammation. www.prohealth.com has a product called Adrenal Support, extremely helpful when diet is running straight through or coming back up quite often. I encourage everyone to understand how important educating yourself about chemo-therapy and how devastating it is to the entire system. Some forms of chemo actually cause rapid-growing cancer. So learn how to rebuild nutritionally at the cellular level before you start rolling out prescription mind-numbing, mood-altering drugs that enhance the devastation.
10:00 AM CST...Melanie, this blog is a little confusing; the "comments" read as though written by a child. What type of cancer? How Long has he/she had it? Is the family not telling you anything ? If the cancer is terminal your friend has the right to know. I would approach your friend's doctor and put the question(s) directly to him/her. If the doctor blinks too many times/stares at the floor/chews on his pencil or tells you "talk to the family" or avoids you in any way, I'd say your friend doesn't have much time in this Vale of Tears. These are all reasonable adult-type questions. If they are your "comments" I sympathize with your pain, but you need to can the "mantras" and forget this line of "discussion" and spend as much "quality" time with your friend as possible. He/she may appreciate that more than you depending on divine intervention or playing on the Blog machine. Luck to you and your friend. J.B.
nothing can help you cancer , but nothing can separate your presumed victims from the over powering love of the Supreme God.His love triumps over your cell destroying methods. we have your number,your sorry loser.
you , mr. cancer, are just like your name. you are a creep and we know your motive, but we will destroy your cells.
My sister inlaw will kill your efforts,mr.cancer. we together will whip your arse.
you are not welcome here. you are just a vagabon.
Cancer is such a theif. but we can win against it. it has no conscience but we do. so screw you mr.cancer you are a loser. we know your thieving ways and we can defend ourselves against you.you are a loser and we are winners.