How to Hang Out With Someone Who Has Alzheimer's
How to Hang Out With Someone Who Has Alzheimer's
My 87-year-old Dad, who has dementia, had nine visitors recently: his grandchildren, who ranged in age from 4 to 17. Four of my own kids and my six nieces and nephews made a lively parade as they threaded through the halls of the care facility where he's doing stroke rehab. Their chattering and bouncing reminded me that although visiting a nursing care facility can feel unnatural if you're not used to it, in some ways nothing could be more natural than what sometimes happens when life at either end of the spectrum connects.
Grownups, in particular, often find it awkward to spend time with a loved one with Alzheimer's or another form of dementia: What do you say to someone who hasn't followed the news in months or years, who can't remember what he ate for breakfast, who you know will try your patience asking you the same questions or getting stuck on the same anecdote over and over?
Watching these kids interact with Grandpa, though, was a living list of tips on how to make a happy visit.
-
Give a big hello. "Hiya Grandpa, it's me, Brock!" said the 5-year-old, getting both the warm welcome and the helpful self-identification right.
Get physical. The youngest, naturally, climbed right in Grandpa's lap. I also noticed him taking their hands as he spoke to each child and, of course, kids don't flinch. They like physical contact, too. Actions speak louder than words as cognitive ability declines, which makes body language and the reassurance of physical touch so important.
Start sweet. "So can we eat the cookies now?" someone piped up as soon as we'd said hi. Of course! A tub of cookies passed around the room puts everyone at ease because, at least in my experience, if there's one thing grandpas and children can't resist, it's the primal happiness of cookies.
Dive right in. "Grandpa, do you like Jimi Hendrix?" my teenage son asked after playing his guitar for him. I found myself biting my lip over this particular ice breaker: Grandpa didn't have any idea who Jimi Hendrix was 20 years ago, and certainly doesn't today. "Yes, I do," Grandpa replied, and they both smiled. That particular conversation didn't go anywhere, but at least my son wasted no time in picking up a natural patter.
Find common ground in music. I've previously written about my son playing guitar at the nursing facility and how music can be a stress cure. What's inspiring about kids is how comfortable they are just doing what they like – my son played some super-lively rockabilly jams – and their enthusiasm alone is what's welcomed and picked up on. I suggested a calmer classical song, and it didn't go over nearly as well. Hmmm, maybe Dad would like Jimi Hendrix!
Talk about yourself. Conversation covered last spring's track season, loose teeth, an accidental self-haircut with blunt scissors, favorite brands of cookies, what grade everyone would be in this fall. Point being, you can talk about almost anything, so long as the conversation isn't upsetting and doesn't feel like a "test" to the person with dementia. The minutiae of everyday life is often easier than discussing the past (and often makes for good laughs). It's not really what you say that matters; its that you're setting a pleasant mood as you're sitting there saying it.
Show and tell. Grandpa seemed very interested in all the wiggly teeth in the room. Not sure what the lesson is there; maybe another form of nonverbal communication!
Be patient with repetition. "And what grade are you in?" my dad asked each child over and over. (By the time we went 'round the room once, you can imagine the question seemed fresh to him when we got back to the first face.) The children, bless their hearts, never moaned, "You just asked me that!" They seemed to intuitively understand that he couldn't hold the fact in his head, and just as matter-of-factly kept on supplying the answer. Which is just what you should do. ("He forgets a lot," one fourth-grader observed. "It's just that old-timer's disease."
Look at old photos and ask questions. My Dad has a couple of short photo albums, the kind with just one or two pictures per page (not too overwhelming) in his room. The pictures are of his boyhood and hometown, which seems to be where his long-term memory is best preserved, providing the most comfort. "Who's that? Who's that?" one of the kids would ask over and over, and he'd tell them.
Go outside. There's a pretty courtyard outside my dad's room. "Can we go out there? Can we? Can we?" the kids quickly wanted to know. Kids are drawn to the outdoors, like few things (other than computers and video games!). We wheeled Dad out and sat in the sun, the change of scenery doing us all good.
Of course ten kids in a small room gets overwhelming fast, and so this visit didn't last long. I'm not recommending a crowd scene for a visit with someone who has dementia. But the cookies? The casual chitchat? These and all the rest of the things that kids do so naturally are worth sharing with someone you know who might be more leery of what can, with patience and insight, be a lovely, lovely visit.
These are all good ideas. I agree that you have to be sure the person is up for a large visit of people, but if folks arrive at the same time but can string in a few at time, it may be less overwhelming. Older people love children, but if they are alzheimers AND sick, older people can only take noise and disruption for so long. In visiting my elderly dementia/alzheimers family/friends, I have found that offering to brush their hair or help them put some lotion on their hands is usually readily agreed to. If you can take them for a walk, get them outside if you have a nice day or somewhere they can see outside. Identifying yourself and those with you are a must. Patience - well, be ready to repeat yourself and do so with a smile. They may have a problem remembering facts or people, but they have not forgotten what it feels like to be considered "old". My mother said that she notices the "winks and nods" of people when she repeats herself and it hurts her feelings. She knows she is not "on top of her game" anymore, but those little social things are still noticed! Remember that sometimes the problem is not the mental aspect - it may be more a hearing or vision issue!
Great thoughts! When my grandchildren are here, it is fun for my father with alzheimers to participate in whatever he can. Twice, at birthdays, balloons have been part of our day for our 3-6 yr. old grandchildren. We ALL had a great time batting them from one person to the next and great grandpa never got tired of it, much to the kids' deight!
I agree with most of what you say, but before any of that, be sure your "person" is up to a large group of people, especially kids. I've had that blow up in my face...usually better to limit it to 2or 3 at the most at a time. Watch for signs of agitation and end it quickly if you see a problem.
It's all helpful, I am just starting out with caring for my Pops finding out were he is at mentally and physically has been and eye opener to say the least. He has been living in another city and a couple of my siblings have been taking advantage of him from a money stand point so now he has no money other than him SS. I am the only child who is in a position with time to some what care for him along with my very understanding wife. It's great to have a spot on the internet which is this helpful. My wife and I have taken Pops onto our property in a fifth wheel trailer which is very nice for him he seems to be happy here. But doesn't seem to understand this is now the place where he will live from now on. We are going to his home in another town which he has moved from and pack more of his belongings letting him say what goes and what doesn't. Hoping this will help put some input to the move. we are also putting together a visual calender for him with a daily schedule. We are having some difficulty keeping him active he is 79 years young so activity I am hoping will help him have a more complete life and help him mentally also. For the most part he understands 50% of what is happening in his life right now lots of changes currently so he gets lost in it a bit. Anyway I just wanted to say not alone hoping the journey will be and enjoyable one.
It's all helpful, I am just starting out with caring for my Pops finding out were he is at mentally and physically has been and eye opener to say the least. He has been living in another city and a couple of my siblings have been taking advantage of him from a money stand point so now he has no money other than him SS. I am the only child who is in a position with time to some what care for him along with my very understanding wife. It's great to have a spot on the internet which is this helpful. My wife and I have taken Pops onto our property in a fifth wheel trailer which is very nice for him he seems to be happy here. But doesn't seem to understand this is now the place where he will live from now on. We are going to his home in another town which he has moved from and pack more of his belongings letting him say what goes and what doesn't. Hoping this will help put some input to the move. we are also putting together a visual calender for him with a daily schedule. We are having some difficulty keeping him active he is 79 years young so activity I am hoping will help him have a more complete life and help him mentally also. For the most part he understands 50% of what is happening in his life right now lots of changes currently so he gets lost in it a bit. Anyway I just wanted to say not alone hoping the journey will be and enjoyable one.
What great ideas! I will keep them in mind for my parents, although there are only 2 grandchildren which are over 18 now. Sometimes it's difficult to have conversations with my parents, whom I believe are in the early stages of dementia - Mom has 4 of the 8 symptoms, and Dad has the other 4, which is how they were able to hide it for so long. We are too late on the photo albums, they are unable to remember the photos that are unlabelled. Wish I had taken an interest earlier. The repetition is difficult, but we try to cope with it. Thank you so much for sharing!
My grandchildren visit my husband frequently. To make it more comfortable for them, we plan to entertain him. Once a granddaughter did her tap dance routine, the grandson demonstrated Tai Kwan Do and talked aboiut his black belt. Another time all of the grandkids came and decorated their Easter eggs in the activity room. Lots of pictures and laughing. We "invented" a 500 mile race. We bought 4 tiny pull back cars in different colors. We made a simple track of plastic framing material and taped it to the table so the cars couldn't fall off. We had a stop ramp of the same at the end. Lots of flag decorations. All took their turn while the rest guessed which car would win. We can even play it again! Bob enjoyed it all and the grandkids felt needed.
much appreciated
batarina has received 1 prayer for this comment
Prayers CA-Claire
Thanks...very helpful. Liked the cookie idea!!