Patricia K. got the e-mail just a few weeks after Christmas. "The holidays had come and gone, and once again no one had heard from my sister Betsy -- not even a card," Patricia says.
Then suddenly, there was an e-mail in her in box. "The subject line was pure Betsy -- `I hear Mom's sick; why didn't anyone call me?!' Well, gosh, we didn't have her number -- we didn't even know what state she was living in."
Betsy, just three years younger than Patricia, had had a stormy relationship with her parents and sister since high school. She married young, a guy they thought was a lowlife. She had a baby, and proceeded to live one of those lives that lurches from disaster to disaster.
For a long time, the only time anyone heard from Betsy was when she called to ask for money, usually with her son as the excuse. She needed money to take care of Petey, she needed money to send Petey to school, she needed money to take Petey to the doctor.
Betsy was emotionally unstable, and she started refusing to let her parents see their grandson. That was the last straw. There was a big blowup, and Betsy moved to another state without providing the family her address or phone number. The silence stretched on for more than a decade, during which the girls' father passed away. No one knew how to reach Betsy; she didn't come to the funeral.
Fast forward to this year, when Betsy and Patricia's mother was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer. The doctors said she probably had just a year or two left. By this point Patricia was an almost full-time caregiver for her mom, though she had kids of her own as well.
Then, somehow, through the grapevine of old childhood friends and community, Betsy learned her mother was sick and called. They had a long emotional reunion over the phone, and suddenly Betsy was back in the picture, promising a visit.
"I feel so awful, because I should be glad that she called my mom; it made my mom so happy," Patricia says. "But instead I feel awful. I don't trust her motives. And I don't want to get my hopes up that she'll come and help out, because I don't know if she will. And I hate to see mom getting her hopes up."
Then came the blow: Betsy told Patricia she was in debt and asked Patricia for a loan. The kicker? Betsy hinted that she would just be "borrowing" on money she expected to inherit from their mother now that she was "back in the family fold."
"I was so angry I could hardly speak," Patricia says. "But my mom doesn't know Betsy mentioned money or future inheritance to me, and I can't bear to tell her. She's so happy Betsy's back in touch, hoping she'll come visit. And if I say something about it, it'll sound like sour grapes, like I'm trying to put down my sister."
At the same time, Patricia says, the whole situation makes her so sad -- "I always remember how sweet Betsy was when we were little, how much fun we had playing together."
Patricia, growing more and more desperate for help as she cares for her mom, wonders what her role should be in this situation.
What would you tell her? Have you experienced something like this? Please share your stories and advice.
Galowa; Your comment about watching the life and vitality drain out of the person you love explains the pain of caregiving in a nutshell.
This is NOT a HARD SITUATION. Do your DUTY to your mother. TELL your mother about Betsy's reference to MONEY. Your mother may be dying, but she's NOT DEAD, and she DOESN'T have Alzheimer's disease. Your mother is NOT a fool. TELL your mother you know she loves Betsy, and that YOU love Betsy, too. But TELL her Betsy is not JUST back for a family reunion to make your mother happy, but that she has ulterior motives. REMIND your mother of all the heartache Betsy caused in the past, the funeral she missed, the money she took, repeatedly, AND the money she now hopes to get. REMIND your mother that ALTHOUGH BETSY IS BACK, SHE HAS NOT CHANGED... TELL your mother that you are worried about Betsy taking advantage of your mother at a time when she is emotionally and financially vulnerable. Talk to her about the need for SOMEONE to have Power of Attorney, ESPECIALLY now that Betsy is on the scene, AND tell your mother that you are worried that Betsy may try to take advantage of your mother financially, because she has already made an effort to get money from YOU, and also because, as everyone knows, that's what Betsy DOES! Arrange for an older female estate attorney to visit your mother at home to discuss her final healthcare wishes, her designation of a Power of Attorney for Finances and Healthcare, and any special arrangements she may wish to make in her will - including an extra bequeathal for the daughter who cared for her, and a managed TRUST ACCOUNT for the daughter who cannot seem to manage her own affairs. In situations such as these, the responsible sibling is often made trustee for the inheritance of the unstable one. THEN - TELL your mother that Betsy has shown up at a time when YOU too are emotionally vulnerable, having cared for your mother and having been there for her - STILL being there for her - for so long, it hurts you to think that Betsy can simply SHOW UP expecting everyone to simply include her and trust her "LIKE SHE NEVER LEFT." REMIND your mother of all the sacrifices you have made OUT OF LOVE, how CAREWORN and TIRED you are, and how resentful you feel toward Betsy when she shows up near the end of a long and painful road you and your mother have traveled TOGETHER, without anyone else's help. And TELL her how it has felt for you, her DEVOTED daughter, to daily watch her mom's health slowly deteriorated, robbing her of her vitality - stealing the very life which YOU have shared with her at its happiest and mourned with her while it slowly and painfully ebbed. MAKE SURE YOU TELL HER that Betsy HAS NO RIGHT to pretend she cares as much, that she loves as much, or even that she deserves as much - to be called "daughter." Been there, done that. My heart goes out to you... Galowa
Sometimes it seems a crime that relative inherit by law even though they don't act like family. Simply by an accident of birth, a wayward sibling or step child who never paid a visit while Dad was ill, can now surface and have 'rights'. Oh well.
Wow everyone, thanks for the great comments and advice. I can tell you've been there! I will have another "family financial feud" this week and would love your input on that one, too.
Is there a way that you could tell your sister that all of your mother's money is going toward her care and you don't expect there to be anything left of her estate? I would get her lawyer how to protect her assets. I feel for you. My ex went through something similar with his aunt. She just swooped in, forced his g'mother to sign a POA, took everything out of the bank, sold her house, put her in a home and walked away. He found out when he tried to pay one of her utility bills and the check bounced.
A really hard situation. I had a sister like yours. she only called or came by when she needed or wanted money or something material, didn;t call/write/visit for the holidays, missed birthdays ect. My sister died this year at the age of 45 from a heart attack. As aggrivated as I got with her, I wish that I could still talk to her when she felt the need to contact us. It is so sad. I have step sisters and brothers that ignore my step dad, I am responsible in taking care of their belongings and the such when they die, my step siblings will be greatly surprised to learn that they have nothing to gain from the parents, talk to your mom, work out with her what she wishes to have done with what ever is left when she is gone. for my parents after all the bills are paid for and they are buried, their property will be sold and the money givne to charaties. Works great for me as this is what THEY want.
Wow, what a rough situation! Family conflicts are the most distressing for the people involved, so much love/anger/sadness/desperate hope. All the answers I've seen have been good and cover everything I thought of, so Patricia, just know we are here for you, and I hope and pray things will be worked out with the minimum of distress for your dear mother and you. God bless and keep you all.
To the extent possible, it would be best that your mother not be in the position that your sister can benefit from trying to influence her or create tension in order to benefit herself. You might want to have a conversation with her about allowing whoever she most trusted to pay her bills or take over as her financial agent if she has powers of attorney or a trust in place that provide for a successor to herself. Putting a wall between the money and your mother's vulnerability at this time in her life is for her sake. Should she really want to make estate changes or gifts at least she would have an advocate who could talk to her and ascertain the validity and independence of her decisions. it might be best that person be someone else other than you if it would make everyone more comfortable but that is your mother's choice obviously. It is not unusual for older women to have confidence in men managing their finances due to age old beliefs. Is there a son-in-law who might be a good neutral? You might consider contacting her counsel and involving them in discussing options for "protections" with her so there is no appearance of your influencing her. Good luck. I see this every day in my work as a geriatric care manger.