Family Financial Feud: After My Father Died, My Mother and I Fought Over Funeral Costs
By Melanie Haiken, Caring.com senior editor
What do you do when your beloved father dies and your mother, who was his primary caregiver, won't honor his memory the way you feel she should? That's what Joanie W. is facing. It's a common family dilemma, yet no one seems to talks about it. Final arrangements and how we deal with them bring up such strong feelings, and the public aspect of a funeral or memorial service -- or lack thereof -- can trigger feelings of shame, embarrassment, sadness and -- yes, it's true -- rage. Here's Joanie's story.
"My dad died recently after a long battle with heart disease and diabetes. His last years were really tough as his health went downhill, and he became really difficult to deal with. He was sour and bad-tempered and complained all the time, and my mom took the brunt of it. In his last days, once he went to the hospital, it was like she washed her hands of him. I flew out and stayed with him and basically ended up making all the final decisions."
Joanie, who lives across the state and has a family of her own, hadn't been a hands-on caregiver, but she'd been "the responsible one" in her family, the one her parents turned to for support and advice. Now she found herself in the position of making all the arrangements for the funeral and burial, including writing the obituary, planning the service, and coordinating with those attending.
"I tried to make decisions in discussion with my mom, but she was kind of checked out, and mostly it was me. I kept thinking of my dad, and what a great guy he'd been, and all the people coming, and I wanted to do it the way he would have liked. Then afterward, when the bills came in, my mom started complaining about how much everything had cost, saying I'd spent too much. I ended up paying some expenses out of my own savings to keep the peace, but I felt resentful because she lives on my dad's money and I know he'd made provisions for his final arrangements. Meanwhile my family lives on a very tight budget, much tighter than my mom, so my husband was upset that I'd had to pay for some of the funeral costs."
Although Joanie's dad hadn't been the easiest person to get along with in his last years, he'd been a great dad when she was growing up, and was a well-liked member of the community and she felt responsible for honoring that. Yet her efforts weren't appreciated by the rest of the family.
"I know my dad was a pill at the end, and he wore my mom out. But before that, for all of our lives, he was the greatest. He was such a warm, kind person, and a lot of people knew and liked him. And I honestly think he was a good husband, too, though you wouldn't know it from how mom talks now. When I was a kid, all my friends loved my dad, and I knew the whole town would turn out for his funeral. But my mom didn't seem to care about that -- it was like she'd already put it all behind her."
The service was well attended; Joanie says she was truly touched by the people who came from far away, and the kind things people wrote in the guest book. But then came something she hadn't planned for: Many family members, friends, and members of the community made financial contributions in her dad's name.
"The final straw was when I realized that people were sending checks and my mom was just cashing them. She wasn't giving them to a charity in my dad's name or anything. She'd quibbled about the expenses of the funeral, and she didn't offer to pay me back, even when this money started coming in. I felt terrible that we weren't setting up a fund or anything. We had a horrible fight and now we're barely speaking. It feels awful because we used to be close before Dad got sick, and now everything's tense and awkward. No one will talk about what happened; it feels like everyone's ashamed and blaming everyone else."
Some of the most complicated feelings come up when a parent dies and family members find they don't see eye to eye. That seems to be especially true regarding final arrangements, because these ceremonies have such significance and importance.
Joanie's desperate for some type of resolution, so her family can move on. Do you have any thoughts or insights to offer her?
I am so sorry to hear of this horrible tragedy in your life.Your dad ,then your mom and the finances.Some times it seems that circumstances like this just sucks the life out of you. Your mom is probably feeling a lot of different emotions also,Even tho the way she done you was wrong. She apparently is not thing straight because of the grief she is feeling, But just know that the good you did will come back to you.And in the long run you will be at peace with your self.
Some familys do not plan ahead. Recently our neighbor died of liver cancer. From diagnosis to his passing, it was quick. His separated wife came back to care for him the last week. They have a son who is a senior in high school. She has her health issues. This mans brother took on the expense of the funeral. He has had to do this for two other family members. Not fair. But he does it as a duty or final goodbye. In our case, we paid for the funeral of my husbands brother. His wife said she would pay us back. Never did. It took over two years to get this back into our retirement fund. Then less than a year ago, his sister died. We could not contribute even a dollar. I had a long battle post surgery with complications, and my husband got laid off. Only both of our planning and paying out for insurance, doing without a lot of stuff to make sure we had health and disability coverage,kept us out of bankruptcy. I know we who end up paying the bills can get upset with the spendthrift family we get stuck paying the bills for. They have the big screen TV's , a million cable channels,new cars....while we do without. Not always the case, but often it is. Funerals are priced differently. Customs differ. What is important is why you felt the need to go all out on a funeral. And why your mother seemed to be unrealistic as to how much these things cost. A plot can be bought at a discount thru those who have had family connections change. Our family "owns" two separate plots in two different states. Only the buyer/family can use them. And only with permission or thru inheritance. Kind of crazy. My husband and I have a prepaid plan/insurance. If we can go cheaper than the policy, then that is a bonus. But what is guarenteed is certain things will be done for this cost.
I am sorry for the loss of your father, and I'm glad your experience with him in his last years didn't taint your good memories of him. However, this sounds like an argument about money, which is imho always the hardest thing to discuss in a family---more than sex, death or marital discord. If I were in your place, I would back off for awhile and not bring up the checks your mother received or the costs you had to take on with your father's funeral, especially with the holidays coming up and your own family to worry about. Your mother was under a lot of stress while she was the primary caregiver for your dad, and the funeral was probably the last thing she wanted to deal with when he died. (A hug for you for taking that task on!) It is unfair that you had to bear the brunt of the expenses, and you might not ever be repaid for your grief. But your mother may be hanging onto the money out of fear that she'll end up homeless and with no one to look out for her, a common feeling among recent widows. If you can overcome your anger towards her, try reassuring her that she won't be alone and she can still rely on you for support and help. I should add that if the checks were made out to your mother, then perhaps they were meant for her to use towards whatever expenses remained after your father's death. In East Asian cultures, it's traditional for people to give money at a funeral to help pay for the costs. That's probably of no comfort to you since your mother didn't help you with the bills, and a memorial fund dedicated to your father would be more in keeping with your father's wishes than your mother just depositing the money in her savings account. But remember she's grieving for a husband as you are grieving for your father. She has her own way of dealing with her feelings, and as a widow myself, I know it's important to respect that.
This is such a tough situation. It's hard enough to grieve the loss of your dad without having to deal with less-than-pleasant family dynamics. It's too late for advice about designating with the funeral director how the expenses will be paid, but I, too, hope like the above respondent, that your mother will offer some recompense for your sacrificial giving. One thing that seemed a little amiss to me though, was the part about the contributions. Usually those checks are made out to whatever charity(ies) was designated in the obituary, in which case your mother would not be able to cash them. Perhaps if you "confided" to one family member or friend what has happened, that person could spread the word to any others interested, that if they were planning to make a donation, it should be sent to you. It would also help to let the funeral director know that, as he/she frequently gets calls from people asking for the wife's address for that reason. In this case, the funeral director already knows that you paid some of the costs and wouldn't have a problem giving your address. I hope this works out for you and maybe in time, you can change your mother's focus by asking her to tell you about the GOOD times she had with your father.
I am sorry for your losses, both of your father and for your previously close relationship with your mother. It sounds as though your mother was exhausted to the point where she was no longer herself, and it is no wonder, considering that she had to give and give and give for so long, while bearing your dad's constant complaining. And considering what your father had to bear, health-wise, it is no wonder he complained. Perhaps in time your mother will be able to reconcile those stressful last few years with your dad, and remember the better times as well. Maybe she needed something for herself after so long. Maybe she was more worried about money or about being alone or about resenting having to be a saintly nurse than she has shared with anyone. Maybe she could not bear your father's death, after she had been his spouse, and then worked so hard for so long to guard his health. Hospitals and funerals have different effects on different people, but for some, these places make the unthinkable too real. No one can change what happened in the past, but I hope you can forgive your mother for her unseemly behavior. She may be embarrassed about what happened by now, and may be avoiding you for that reason. She may even be avoiding you because she cannot bear more conflict, especially considering that her actions have proven to be so unpopular. It is never too late to start that memorial fund for your father, or for both of your parents, for that matter. In time, if you have the resources, you may wish to do that. You may even recoup your share of the funeral expenses, eventually. My husband's mother recently repaid him for his father's funeral, which took place in 1995. She had insurance money to pay for the funeral, which was expensive, because he, too, was the most popular guy in town, and they had to accommodate lots of people. However, she was exhausted and feeling financially insecure, so my husband was stuck paying for all of the arrangements. It has taken years before she felt secure enough to repay him. But she did it! Hugs and prayers to you and your family.