Is It Okay to "Spy" on a Relative With Suspected Dementia?

Jane F

7 months ago

Update on our situation. It had been over 4 and a half years since contact between my husband and his siblings, then he got a call and was told several weeks ago that the brothers were all coming to their moms house to spend time together and with their mom! Wow. My husband was a bit uncomfortable, but did go down...2 different days even to visit! My husband said mother is causing issues with neighbor (her delusions). One sibling even got upset with her and told her he wasn't playing into her delusions. Brilliant. Chiding her for behaviors she obviously cannot control. She cried and was upset. A few days ago she called my husband with tales of neighbor stealing her blind and said neighbor was telling her I was the one ransacking her house and stealing from her. Neighbor is a renter, and has never seen me, does not know me, and did not live there last time I was involved with mother in law over 4 years ago. She is misplacing items and calling police or writing letters, then finds items and says they were returned to her by thief. Car damage to fence post, loans taken out then when payments are missed she claims neighbor got the loan in mothers name fraudulently without her knowledge because bank called her! Oh dear. Checks cancelled due to "theft"which will no doubt cause her problems with the bank and those who she wrote the checks to. Neighbor is upset by all accusations and police reports and is calling Adult Protective Services, which may actually get the needed help started (if they will do something).

Tootsie60

over 2 years ago

It has been our experience that often the elder loved one seems to rally in the presence of children. (Like they are almost on good behavior, being careful not to slip up) This often makes the dementia hard to recognize. My father covered up Mom's dementia for years. A trained Hospice nurse noticed and finally alerted me of Mom's condition. My heart goes out to anyone having to cope with a parent lost to dementia; but recognizing the symptoms is the first step. Caring.com has given me so many ideas and much needed support in dealing with my 82 year old mother. Thank you.

Jane F

over 2 years ago

Sadly this article hit home with our family. I am the "terrible daughter in law" because I tried to insist my mother in law be helped because of things I was told by her neighbors and friends. My husband agrees that something should be done for her best interests...but the siblings are all in denial of course. How DARE anyone say the word dementia?! Even though there are serious tell tale signs present, she is left alone to fend for herself. The family is in such conflict that my husband and I have not communicated with the siblings for over 2 and a half years. Since the one sibling is the durable power of attorney, we just bowed out gracefully, and we hope he will step in to do the right thing...so far, he has not. So sad to see that she was ruining herself financially, and is suffering so with paranoia, delusions, and olfactory hallucinations, but we have no control. I tried speaking to alzheimers assn, her doctor, the drivers license bureau (she still drives), all to no avail. I am waiting for the "crisis" to happen to jerk these guys out of their denial, but I hope it does not cause her or someone else harm or worse. Especially since she is diabetic, and has fallen on several occaisions.