Last updated:
12-Oct-2009
So Your Parent Wants to Move In With You -- Can You Afford It?
Many families decide to have aging parents move in, then find tensions arising over time and money. Prevent meltdowns by planning ahead to share the load.
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I am lucky to have a 94 year old father with all of his facilities. Having him live with us for the last ten years has taught my children the importance of family, tolerance and kindness. It hasn't been easy, the bulk of the care and time is on me. My sibs do not share the weight and it is causing some stress in my marriage. Make sure the the primary care giver is appreciated! do something extra to support that person. Realize that the sib needs a break even if it is not convenient for you.
Sue, Take the time now to locate appropriate care facilities including independent living. You are sooo right if mom is already becomming demanding it will worsen when she has unlimited access. This could also damage your new marrage. First talk to your husband. Be sure that you have his unwavering support. Remind the siblings that you too are now married and in the same boat they are. You are not being selfish you're being sensible. You might consider asking how their respective spouses would have felt newly into a marrage to be facing this. Since she has some financial independence, it makes sense to look now into good continuing care for when the time comes.
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Hugs SueD
Wow - I have been so blessed with a wonderful family. Last March when we moved our parents to the city that I live in (pretty much against their will), I had not really thought about any of the things talked about in this article and these comments. We moved them to a VERY nice Independent Living facility, which also has an Assisted Living area that they can move to if needed. My siblings all pulled together, and we each helped in the way that best suited our talents and our individual relationship with our parents. I, the youngest of 4, took care of the medical care and collecting medical records, choosing the facility, chose new medical providers, and assisted with the packing/moving of their home of 34 years - my speciality with that was keeping track of what was sentimental, and what was just 'stuff'; My sister (oldest) coordinated the movers, and assisted with hospital 'sitting' when Dad was in for a week and had hospital psychosis (I took the owl shift (10pm - 7am and made sure I was present when Dr or Nurse Practitioners were there), and kept track of the moving expenses, plus coordinated what we needed our two brothers to help with. The brothers helped with keeping Mom and Dad up at their 'new' place while the old place was packed up and moved, and provided some support during the move as well. Now, one brother that lives 40 miles away comes once a week to have dinner with them (even after a full days work), I see them frequently during the week, and my sister and other brother visit approximately quarterly and for special occaisions. When my husband passed away recently (I had been his caregiver, and worked full time), my siblings all pulled together and helped with Mom and Dad for the first week, so that I could have time to take care of those things that have to be done post unexpected death. My siblings helped me enormously with Mom/Dad care and with helping me around my home to make sure that I was OK. We have talked about the amount of time I have to spend taking care of Mom/Dad, and they are working out a plan to have me paid a monthly stipend from them for the things I do. It's wonderful to be so well watched out for, when for most of my life, I felt that I was the annoying little sister. Thanks for listening.
Great post Melanie, That is kind of a sad situation that your friend is in. Sorry to hear it. I have to agree with you though, that defining better ways to fund eldercare is the way it has to be. I agree with #6 get some outside care help because everyone needs days off of caring to just relax. I work on an eldercare blog that discusses these issues and we are currently writing a series of "paying for eldercare" stories. Check them out at http://www.rightathome.net/seniorhomecare. Best of luck to your friend, Bill
Oh, boy. This is a volatile topic for me. I am trying to plan ahead; My elderly mother wants to move in with my new husband and me because she is widowed and lonely. Her personality has slowly changed to be whiny and demanding. She wants to be waited on, either because of her heart (pacemaker) or her diabetes (Type 2). Her health is not so bad that she needs assistance but hints that will be the case soon. She can afford to pay her own way but my new husband is aghast and appalled. This was not what he was expecting. I can't really blame him but this puts me in a bad position, and to be truthful I am dreading the possibility. We don't have a separate living area so she would be right in the middle of everything. My siblings think I am the logical choice because neither of them have room in their houses, and before I married, I took care of Dad who was a stroke victim. (And, years ago, my former husband, who was a cancer victim.) When I go back and review what I've just written, it sounds selfish and not so bad but I know this will escalate soon and I will have a crisis on my hands. Any advice?
How about sending the absentee siblings a bill? Use the above system to determine where things are at and when the siblings refuse to participate, send them a bill. Firstly will raise ire in a hurry then while you have their attention secure commitments real ones with actual working drop dead dates failur on their part means thy have nothing to say about her care. NOTHING. If needed you arrange to deal with financial matters yes all of them and make judgements with her doctors/attorneys to get her the best possible care without it killing you. I know this sounds harsh and it is.But Frankly, too many absentee siblings cause caregivers outragous guilt and pain. most of it unnecessary if caregivers push back a litle. the sooner the better.