When Mother's Day Means Grief, Not Joy

Dorothy's Da­ughter

10 months ago

My mom died of vascular dementia 12/21/10, I am not looking forward to "the" day. All the advertisements, etc, just reduce me to tears. Mother's Day is definitely a day of grieving for me now. While my mom was not an alcoholic, my dad was, he died in 1985 at the early age of 59. I can understand exactly what Melanie addresses, a realtionship with an alcoholic parent is very strained. My way of explaining it is I loved my dad, but I really hated the disease of alcoholism and how it made him behave. I think part of it was PTSD from being active duty WWII. ( they did not know about this back then) My dad had such a big heart and full of love, but when the alcohol took over, he was a stranger, a horrible stranger. Having a parent who suffered from alcoholism, leaves you feeling cheated. But, on the other hand, taking care of my mom and watching her decline with the dementia, and being with her as she died, and she is no longer here.....I remain feeling cheated. It is all so sad.

marinparent

10 months ago

Very heartfelt and honest article. Thank you.

Melanie Haik­en

almost 3 years ago

Thanks everyone for your lovely comments. It means a lot to hear that my story has resonance for others.

Thank you for telling your story. Not enough is written when it comes to the very troubled relationships some of us have with parents. So many painful feelings when parents become elderly because the rage is there and yet we have to show respect and compassion for them in this stage of their life. How to reconcile all of this, I do not know. Thanks again for sharing your pain.

Thank you for giving an eloquent, authentic voice to something so complicated and overwhelming. And I hope you had a fabulous Mother's Day with your daughters.

Sarah Henry

almost 3 years ago

Very brave, Melanie, and moving. I'm sure many others can relate to how you feel. I, too, hope your day with the girls was all you wished for.

Probably the most moving Mother's Day piece I've ever read. I hope your day with your daughters was good both for you and for them.

cynthia gree­nberg

almost 3 years ago

Hi Melanie, My mom died of the same thing and I'm pretty sure I know how you feel. This is my 3rd mother's day without having to buy some useless gift she won't even remember I gave her. It is a relief but not a celebration. I know you are doing a great job of being an awesome mother, so it's your turn to just be celebrated. Enjoy the day.